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NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
2000.03.03
Ross Report; Home of Ross.
J.R. took last week off, because he simply doesn't give a shit about the
Internet.
"Bad Ass" Billy Gunn will need surgery for his shoulder injury, and will
be out for 3-4 months. This is exactly what happens to wrestlers who go
all-out in every match, trying to please the fans with big moves and
difficult stunts. It also happens to people like Mr. Ass. Other injured
wrestlers include Hardcore Holly, Stevie Richards, Val Venis, Gangrel, and
TAKA Michinoku, all of whom will return within a few weeks. X-Pac has a
bronchial infection, no doubt due to all them Bronco Busters he does.
Har-har. Ross then makes the obligatory mention of Steve Austin and the
Undertaker so we won't forget all about them. No return date for Stone
Cold, but if all goes well, Undertaker could return as soon as December.
Davey Boy Smith is a druggie.
WWF.com gets six million page views per day! WrestleArena.com gets six
page views per week!
A one hour version of SmackDown will be airing in Russia, starting in
June. Layinski the Smackinski Downski!
Stevie Richards will be contributing content for WWF publications. Let's
hope he doesn't break his fingers while typing.
Darren Drosdov will be writing stuff for WWF.com, and his rehabbing is
progressing. It's a nice gesture from the WWF that they are taking care of
him and keeping him employed doing meaningless things in order to avoid
getting bad press.
SmackDown does monster ratings in New York, Memphis, and Houston. Thunder
does monster ratings--. . . Oh wait, it doesn't.
Tori will be doing promotional work for the Insurrextion PPV in the UK.
Also, in a rerun from a joke I did two weeks ago, she'll also visit her
boyfriend, webmaster and Penthouse Pet Elliot Sparks.
Chris Jericho, Terri Runnels, Ivory, Test, Chyna and Stephanie McMahon
will be in LA for the annual cable TV convention. It's too bad that it's
always more eye candy than actual wrestlers who are picked to represent the
WWF for these things. Well, at least two of them aren't just valets. Go
Test! Go Chyna!
Speaking of Chyna, her freaky appearance has landed her a role in 3rd
Rock (the first episode in which she appears will air March 14) and a
pictorial in the RAW magazine, where she shows off her hideously enormous
silicone boobs. She's writing a book, tentatively titled "I Have Hideously
Enormous Silicone Boobs."
XFL. Who cares?
Rikishi Phatu and Too Cool will be wearing even more LUGZ apparel.
Product placement is here to stay, baby! Just you wait until the Budweiser
Frogs come out on Nitro to badmouth Rick Steiner.
WWF AXXESS tickets will be available in California today (Saturday). J.R.
loox forwardz 2 it.
Spelling words with Xs and Zs gives them ATTITUDE!
Lots and lots of autobiographies being written by wrestlers, but it'll be
hard to top Foley's book. Watch out for Eric Bischoff's "Have a Million
Dollars - A Tale of Blood and Checkbooks", Tito Santana's "Have a
Stereotyped Gimmick - A Tale of Blood and Armlocks", and DDP's "Have a
Scummy Day, A Tale of Scum and Scumscum".
According to Variety, SmackDown! is in the Top 10 most watched shows by
Black and Hispanic audiences. WCW's is toroughly dominating the "Rednecks
with three teeth" demographic, however.
"Rumors of backstage friction between The Rock and HHH are not accurate
from where I sit." Ross sits in the "WWF employee who'd never admit to any
dissention whatsoever" seat, if you're wondering.
Because the WWF has little to do with music, MTV are giving them lots of
exposure.
Ratings: RAW's are great, Nitro's are pathetic.
Billy Gunn was on Sabrina yesterday. Like anyone cares.
"You sold out! You sold out! You sold out!" Congratulations to you,
SmackDown! tapings in Boston.
Mark Henry is fat.
The Big Show will be shooting a commercial for Chef Boyardee. Well it's a
big can of ravioli.
More MTV. For fuck's sake, Jimbo, give me some material.
The Rock hosts SNL on March 18. "Dwayne's World! Dwayne's World! Party
time! Excellent!"
Regarding the above "Dwayne's World" thing. I know it's a repeat, but if
Ross keeps writing the same tidbits each week, I sure as hell can make the
same jokes. I'm a lazy bastard. Deal with it.
Edge and Christian will get elevated to the next level. Christian needs
to learn to speak English if he wants to reach his full potential, however.
Al Snow's back injury will cause him to be off house shows, but he will
be on TV continuing his fine work of getting Blackman's "dull" persona
over. Blackman plays his role to perfection.
Caryn "Lawn" Mower annoyed the crowds during breaks at the SmackDown!
tapings last week. She'll be on TV whenever the WWF can be bothered to come
up with a role for her.
Trish the Babe is a babe. In fact, she's so much of a babe that Ross
feels he needs to mention her every week in the Ross Report despite the
fact that she's yet to debut. She gets the Oral Pleasure of the Week. Lucky
bastard, that J.R.
"Why is it that some people allow the fame they gain from our business to
change their personalities. . . and not for the better? Talents that use
our business simply as a "stepping stone" to "real" work should not be
featured on anyone's TV show. However, to use the name identity cultivated
within our business to develop another career while maintaining respect of
our product and its performers is another matter all together.
Unfortunately, many "cross over" performers usually dump on who brought
them to the dance."
Damn you, Todd Pettingill!
Jimbo's real feelings regarding the Oklahoma character come out! It's a
poor satire! The ratings for it suck! Ferrerra is a moron with an incest
fetisch!
/Mr JF
[slash] wrestling
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