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NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
2000.02.18
Hello, I'm Mr. JF. You might remember me from such parody writings as "Pulp
Bookerman", "My Name Is (Vince Russo)", and "Benoit Will Survive".
Today, I bring a feature I've been doing for another site to [slash]. From
now on, the esteemed [slash] visitors will be getting their JF dose WEEKLY,
baby!
Premise: Jim Ross does his Ross Report. I do my report on the Ross Report.
Follow?
Here we go. . .
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Notes from the Ross Report (2000.02.18)
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Ross Report; Home of Ross.
The British Bulldog and Test will both return to TV soon after both
having suffered from disks in their backs bulging. TAKA Michinoku, Val
Venis, and Stevie Richards also have injuries but will return withing a few
weeks. Either there's a perfectly good reason for reporting the exact same
thing as he did in the first bullettpoint of last week's Ross Report, or
J.R. is just drunk.
Luna Vachon and Glen Kulka have both been released. Now let's never speak
of them ever again.
Trish the Babe has gotten a working visa now, so she'll be on TV for all
of us to masturbate to in no time. Another female, Caryn "Lawn" Mower will
soon debut as well, and while I haven't seen any pictures of her myself,
Ross assures us that she's also masturbation material. Good deal.
Essa Rios has potential and will be getting vignettes. To reach his full
potential, he'll need to improve his English skills. Else, his career might
stagnate much like others who never bothered to learn the language. . .
Hakushi, TAKA, Ahmed Johnson, et c.
Bruce Prichard and Kevin Kelly have been sent down to look at potential
new talent in Lousville and Memphis, which shows us how low they are on the
ladder of backstage WWF employees.
Grandmaster Sexay may be on Shastay McNastay soon.
Mick Foley will soon be featured on MTV Celebrity Death Match where he'll
be wrestling another bestselling author. Let's hope it's not Dennis Rodman,
because we all know how much he sucks as a wrestler.
Ross guesses a shitload of people will be attending RAW on Monday.
"Over 100 talent assignments are being made for WWF Axxess at
WrestleMania 2000! Every superstar is being utilized, which should be super
news for the fans who will attend "Axxcess"."
What the hell is "Axxcess"?
WWF wrestlers have been thoroughly looked at, examined, and probed in
various cavities for a new line of action figures. Or as they're also
called: "dolls that grown men play with when no one is looking".
The Fabulous Moolah biography will be released next January. It's an
amazing story of her life inside and outside the ring, spanning over more
than fourteen decades.
WWF International TV have secured a $35 million deal with BSKYB. BSKYB
sounds like a czech television network.
Chyna will be on 3rd Rock some more, and she'll also be doing a UPN movie
of the week. Within a few months, all shows without WWF wrestlers involved
are expected to be fazed out of UPN's schedule.
The Rock's book is # 1 on the NY Times bestseller list, and Mick Foley's
book is # 6. In the UK, more people are buying Foley's book. Proving. . .
something.
Mick Foley will send Dave Letterman a message, and the taped segment will
be aired during next week. Likely immediately followed by a Dave Letterman
"yikes" expression, or alternatively a "what was that about?!".
"Look for Bradshaw on CNBC Monday morning, Feb. 28 to discuss his success
in the stock market. This tough Texan is one smart business man who has
attained excellent results in "the market". The WWF once had a TV writer
who felt that because Bradshaw was "from the South and sounded like it"
that no one could or would believe he had any intelligence. Who's the real
dumbass in that philosophy?" It's Russo! Russo's the dumbass! Russo!
Dumbass! Russo the dumbass! Vince "Dumbass" Russo!!!
Jim Ross thinks that the huge success of the WWF may have something to do
with the product good. I dunno, it does sound a bit farfetched. . .
Some former WWF stars want to join the Fed once again, but there's no
interest in old guys who are injury prone. I'm still holding out for the
triumphant return of Bastion Booger.
J.R.'s BBQ sauce is coming in June of this year. . .
. . .and there was much rejoice.
The Rock's appearance on Saturday Night Live will happen two weeks before
WrestleMania. It's Dwayne's World! Dwayne's World! Party Time! Excellent!
Tori will be going to the UK to promote the WWF May PPV in London and
also visit her boyfriend Eliott Sparks. Tori was approached by Penthouse to
do a pictorial, but declined for now. Eliott, however, may just do it if
the price is right.
The WWF Diva All-Nude Lesbian Orgy photo shoot last week in the Dominican
Republic is hot, according to sources. Actually, Ross doesn't refer to it
as the All-Nude Lesbian Orgy photo shoot, but that's the name it's been
constantly tossed around. . . in my head.
No Way Out has potential to rock the free world, but the Rumble will be
hard to follow. Let's hope they don't try to top the Mae Young incident by
making Paul Bearer go topless or something.
No Blowjob of the Week for the second week in a row? Is J.R. trying to
change his style on his own accord just to give me less material, or has
his wife been complaining about 'head cheese breath'?
/Mr JF
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