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UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL

Hey.

You know, in the midst of moving to Boston and trying to find work and adapting strange Boston-Canadian accents, I completely forgot to tell a fun little story involving myself, Cyan, and [slash]'s MIA man, Michaelangelo, when I flew in from Canada about a month ago.

It was a Thursday, and I'd been flying all day from Canada to Cleveland to finally Boston. This was right when I was moving to the USA for the summer. Michaelangelo met at the gate, we did things that are NONE of your business, and went to get my suitcase.

We're at the baggage claim, I'm tired as anything and waiting for the damn suitcases to start toppling down, when Michaelangelo turns towards me suddenly and grabs my arm. I say "what?", and he whispers, "I think Kevin Nash is standing right behind me."

I peer around his shoulder, and about ten feet away from us, there is this HUGE man towering over the crowd, wearing a jersey and a baseball cap and looking supremely pissed off. I squint, and sure enough, it's 'Big Sexy" Kevin Nash at my baggage claim.

So I turn back around, and automatically, Michaelangelo tells me to go and say hi. I said no fucking way because that man looked TICKED OFF (I think he was having luggage problems, he had an airport employee hovering around him) Plus, a kid had asked for a photo already and he'd done it with a foul look on his face.

Basically, neither of us were in the mood to get our asses kicked by a seven foot man, so we just snuck peeks now and again. Besides, I never know what to say to superstars and celebrities when I meet them.

The kicker is: Kevin Nash was at my baggage claim. He was on my plane from Cleveland to Boston, and I didn't even know it. I'm such a moron. OY.

Anyways, enough of my personal life (which sucks, by the way. I need a hug.)

By no one's real request, and just as an info spread for those who are wondering where their favourite wrestling chick disappeared to, look no further.

For WCW and WWF, I did some research and found out how they left, why they left, and what they're doing.

So scroll down, if you please. But first, check out the stuff I got on Lita by listening that asinine Kevin Kelly on BYTE THIS. No, I'm not a lesbian. I just think she's cool, and I know there's a lot of palpatating boys out there who are wondering. So a little bit of info for you.



A LITTLE LITA FIX

  • commentators are calling her the most impressive high-flying woman they've ever seen
  • she went to Mexico by herself to learn about wrestling, met Esse Rios there and was subsequently blown off by him
  • bugged him daily to teach her some wrestling instead of relying on valet work
  • 25 years old and yes, gentlemen, single
  • involved in judo and kickboxing
  • she got the tattoo on her shoulder in Europe, just for the hell of it
  • the letters across the back of her neck read "REBEL" in Russian
  • she admires Hunter Hearst-Helmsley, calls him "close to perfection"
  • went to college to be a teacher



    WWF GIRLS: MISSING IN ACTION

    MARIANNA (Marianna Knowles) A prize-winning musclewoman, brought in as the "Mrs. Cleavage" to Chaz Warrington's "Beaver Cleavage" (the less said, the better about this half-assed gimmick) and then later revealed to be Chaz's girlfriend during the one section of his wrestling career when he wasn't wearing make-up and a skirt, Marianna was let go by the WWF on September 1st, 1999.

    CARYN MOWER Caryn Mower is more interesting than that crazed "aerobics instructor Muffy" ever was. A Hollywood stuntwoman for TV shows such as "Buffy" and "Baywatch", with a black belt in judo. The WWF is keeping her under contract, and is currently re-writing her character. She should be popping back soon. As what I'm not sure yet.

    DEBRA (Debra Marshall) A legitamate beauty contest winner, including Ms. Texas USA and Ms. Illinois America. Did you know that she met her ex-husband, Steve "Mongo" McMichael, on a forced blind date? Anyways, after saying that she'd rather take care of her new fiancee, Stone Cold Steve Austin, than return to the wrestling world, Debra Marshall (or will it be Williams?) is ready to return, by all accounts. We saw a glimpse of her doing a guest announcing spot at April's BACKLASH, and a new DIVAS picture section has been put up at www.wwfdivas.com. Chances are, she'll return just a smidge before Austin does in November.

    LUNA (Angelle Vachon-Heath) Best known for teaming with Bam Bam Bigelow in the early 90's and causing trouble backstage. After being let go for a previous altercation, the WWF re-hired Luna saying that they weren't going to put up with her causing problems this time. A few months ago, Luna taped the mouth of a WWF television producer's mouth closed. She said it was a prank; the guy felt otherwise. She was fired for the last time. (On a personal note: she sounds like me. I got fired from the same job twice in 1998.)

    MRS. YAMAGUCHI-SAN (Shian-Li Tsung) She was simply a model brought in and probably paid on a nightly basis. She hasn't been heard from since Taka Michinoku assaulted Val Venis for "disrespecting his sister." (the saga of the infamous "I choppy choppy your pee-pee!")

    NICOLE BASS What a load of fun this one was. One of the largest bodybuilders in the world, a national bodybuilding champion. After having some strange fun with Val Venis, and making fans shudder with her bellow of "You got a proooblum??!", Nicole Bass left the WWF after four months in 1999, claiming sexual harassment. She's got a 120 million dollar lawsuit forming against the WWF, and is currently in the XPW (Xtreme Professional Wrestling) Two comments: I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't more mean, insulting "what the hell are you" heckling than actual "sex" harrassment, and I sincerely doubt that the WWF will have to pay her a penny.

    RYAN SHAMROCK (Alicia Webb) The "natural beauty of wrestling", the rumoured stripper from Houston who went by the name "Alesha." Well, after being involved in a jealousy angle between her storyline brother Ken Shamrock and lover Val Venis (Notice a trend? All new girls go directly to Val!!) Alicia Webb was offered a WWF contract, but in her own words the money "wasn't enough to make [her] leave home." Also, it was said that she didn't like all the travel and was disinterested in the wrestling community. So the WWF let her go. Ironically, Webb showed up in WCW four months later as "Symphony", the valet of the Maestro, signing a 60,000 dollar one year deal. Even though she's been off camera for a while, she IS indeed the girl running through the graveyard in Vampiro's video clips. Possible that she might end up as Vampiro's valet; she's in good favour with Vince Russo.

    SABLE (Rena Mero) Ah, my personal object of potential murder! Rena Mero came in with her husband Marc Mero, got enormous boobs, wore dental floss to a Slammy award show, attempted to wrestle, and did something called the Grind with a strangling duck voice. Sable started getting a little media attention, guest spots on "Pacific Blue" and apparently it got to her head. Tensions rose between the WWF and Sable, she was called a "problem" and finally the blonde one left and promptly filed a 110 million dollar lawsuit against the WWF, claiming unsafe working conditions and yup, sexual harrassment.

    While the details of the settlement were never released, she's not allowed to use the name "Sable" and is banned from professional wrestling for three years. At the moment, she's got some B-movies planned like "Red Sonja" and another "Heavy Metal". And the best part? She's got a motivation book / biography coming out! Written by the ex-blonde herself, it's called "Rena Mero: Undefeated." I'll take a bullet to my thigh now.



    WCW GIRLS: MISSING IN ACTION

    CHASTITY Brought into the WCW as Raven's valet / sister, and occasionally Hak's valet as well. (That's the Sandman, if you don't know) She was released from her WCW short term contract, was unable to make a return to ECW, and is now in the XPW.

    GEORGEOUS GEORGE (Stephanie Bellers) The ex-stripper from Sarasota, FL (Where my father happens to live..... hm) who got involved with the "Macho Man" Randy Savage. While they were both successful, when Randy returned off the injury list, he was upset with the WCW. Vince Russo (when he jumped from the WWF to WCW) and Savage had some disagreements, Savage said that no one can tell him what to do, and Randy and George walked. By now, they've apparently separated as a couple. Stephanie is stripping again, making a lot of money because of her TV exposure, even though she still has months left on her WCW contract. There was that whole thing about the solo whack-off video she made, sold by ClubLove. There were rumours that the MacMahons were considering bringing her in as a VAL VENIS valet (another one bites the dust) but that never materialized.

    KIMONA / LEIA MEOW (Kristina Leum) Kimona Wanalaya - the single most original name I've ever heard for a woman! Wish I could come up with that; CyanIndigo frankly sucks by comparison. Anyways, Kimona was in ECW for a while, before getting lots of heat from ECW fans when during a screening of Kimona stripping, the power went out and the show was stopped. It was a production error, and in fact Kimona was never going to get naked, but the fans chanted "refund" and caused quite a ruckus. So Kimona left, and sprung up in the WCW as Leia Meow, the cheerleader for the "Varsity Club", which consisted of Kevin Sullivan, Mike Wallstreet and Rick Steiner. She's still under contract with WCW, although we haven't seen her in a long while.

    MIDNIGHT (Ann Marie Crooks) Ms. Sunshine State 1992 was only in it for the recognition. Like some of the other chicks, she had no plans for a long-term wrestling career, and was merely involved for the possibility of a stepping stone into acting. WCW offered her a full unconditional release, and she took it.

    WOMAN (Nancy Benoit) Sure, we're reaching back a while here, but this is for the old-schoolers. Wife to Kevin Sullivan, she did indeed divorce him and left WCW a few years back. After having a short stint with ECW, she's settled down with Chris Benoit.... and they just had a baby!

    And that's it. I didn't touch ECW because I don't watch it enough to make smart-ass comments about it.

    Finally, as a closer, I wanted to answer some mail I've gotten in the past few days, at the end for people who don't want to read it, and just a few wrestling questions answered, including one about MICHAELANGELO.

    OOH. THE CONSPICUOUSLY ABSENT......

    ..... OH SO DESIRED MICHAELANGELO.

    Yup. Questions in Italic, answers in normal:

    Cyan (or do i have to throw in the 'Indigo' part too?) Glad to see you're back. Your articles are quite enjoyable, and i missed them while they were off. Enjoy the States, but if i had a recommendation get the hell away from New England. You'll start picking up bad habits like "I'm going to the Pahk to watch nomah and pedro." Oh, and keep watching hockey if you're into that sort of thing. Sure beats the freaking NBA. -Jason

    As I mentioned last week, already I'm picking up the New England accent. It's fucked, I'm telling you. I still say "eh" and "aboot", but now I say things like "whatev-ah." I'm a mutant. And I've never liked hockey. Or basketball.

    What's wrong with The Olympic Slam? If Jim Ross would remember to call it that, and Angle ended more matches with it.... ~Alex

    What's wrong with it? Well, it's only in my view. It's a move that doesn't have any build-up, it isn't really recognizable or particularly devastating looking, and frankly, it kinda looks dumb. A recognizable, dramatic finish is essential for the up and coming WWF superstar. Think the Rock, HHH, Undertaker and all the rest. Then think of how it's built up.

    It's about time you wrote another column you lazy canadian. I thought I was going to have to come to New England and give you a reason to be tired. -StevenSams

    The problem with this favourite letter is that I don't know which connotation to take it in.

    You spelt my name wrong ... how embarrassing. - Aloysius

    Sorry!

    No hate mail here! Glad to see you back in the ranks of the CRZ Brood. I only read a handful of the columns on the site and your's has always been a must read (what can I say...I like people who just state their mind without sugar coating). So, once again, welcome back and smack Michaelangelo around a bit. I'm missing his Good Bad and Ugly's. - Daki

    Ah, the moment of revelation.

    So, you all want to know where the big man is, do you? Well, let me .....let you in on it.

    Basically, Michaelangelo stopped writing because it takes a hell of a long time to write the Good, Bad and Ugly's, and it was draining him dry. I followed suit for a bit (copycat) Call it burnout; the thing about writing columns is that it makes watching wrestling more of a nuisance and less of a pleasure.

    Anyways, I came back, and I've gotten a TON of letters telling me to smack / beg / kiss into submission Michaelangelo and convince him to make a return.

    Who knew the schmuck was so popular? I showed him the letters; he was pleased. I've asked him about it, and here's the scoop, gentlemen.

    He's coming back....soon. He's going to be moving into an apartment in about two week's time, and when he's settled there, he's planning on starting up the GBU again, not to mention fine-tuning that audio show of his, THE VERBAL CROSSFACE.

    So wait until July. Then give him a hit count like never before. And while you're at it, tap at mine, would you?

    That's it from me.

    WHAT VINCE MACMAHON SHOULD HAVE SAID LAST RAW TO MAKE HIM KING OF THE WORLD:

    (shakes his head dejectedly) "I'm sorry. I tried. But I couldn't..... stop.....Goldberg from turning heel. I'm sorry, but there was nothing I could do."

    If he'd said that, I would have stripped and bowed before his feet.

    Russo sucks.

    This is CyanIndigo, flipping up a finger of your choice.

    CyanIndigo
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