I am American.

Wait.....what the hell am I???

I am a bundle of nerves. If I did drugs, I'd be drifting away on a cloud of smoke. Or if I still smoked. DAMN. I don't particularly like your American cigarettes anyways, but if I was still in.......

Why the hell am I telling you this?

Ah, whatever. I'm CyanIndigo, who, in the real world, is in Providence, RI, which is relatively far away from the Canook soil I called .......Canada.

It's early morning, and I'm moving today to Boston, MA. Not coincedentally, it's quite near to that Michaelangelo character employed by these CRZ parts. In fact, this is his room and computer I'm on.

{smiles}

Believe what you will, but I've got wrestling to uncover and evilly twist around. Just so you know, I couldn't say when they'll be another column, considering I am in strange American parts and I frankly have no idea what I'm doing. You know how it is.

SOME BIG STUFF (AND HEY, A FEW QUICKIES TOO)

So on these few days I have before I take off, I found all my old RAW tapes from 1997 and 1998 and popped them in for a look-see. And what a show it was, my friends! My my! How times have changed!

I suppose the point of mentioning this is that those tapes have a hell of a lot of the Undertaker on them, and as most of the internet population knows, King Dumbass is out AGAIN on the injury list with a torn pec after being gone for seven months or so with a torn groin.

And I watch these olden days, and I think of old Mark Callaway's eminent return, and I suddenly remember how much I know this guy.

I do. If there's one WWF guy I know completely, it's the Undertaker. His signature moves. His history. Hell, I have a tape with ALL PPV Undertaker matches dating back to 1991, right up to April 1997 (the first Backlash, no less!)

I can't stand him anymore, and I couldn't care less when he comes back.

What changed? Well, in case you haven't noticed, it seems like the WWF is struggling with their ideas on what to do with the poor schmuck. Consider what they were doing with him all last year while he was still in action: the "Look at my scary tongue NYAAAAH" phase (complete with Mideon not bleeding enough) then that biker stint with Undertaker promising to bring out the monster in the Big Show.

Yep. What a good job, he did.

Anyways, while I've already expressed my concern about what the hell they're going to do with Austin (and subsequently, my questions have been answered. I am completely satistfied that he's gonna be fine) and now I'm wondering about the Undertaker.

They can't do that supernatural shit anymore; people still shiver involuntarily at the memories.

The biker? Well, maybe. Remember the Disciples of the Apocalypse?

He's getting up there (he's 38, if I remember correctly) and his old coolness and popularity came with the dark 'n' creepy stuff. It's not happening anymore. So? What else can he do?

Well, learn some new moves, I hope. Here's his repetoire from the past 5 years or so: throat thrusts, headbutt, wrist-lock and that walking the rope thing, legdrop, chokeslam, flying clothesline from the ropes or the top turnbuckle, tombstone...... and that's about it. Some new tricks would create interest.

Hopefully he's lost a little weight: a supposed Undertaker with a gut doesn't exactly spell intimidation.

If they pair him with Kane, I'm changing the channel; they don't work well together anymore. If they stick him with Paul Bearer, I'm throwing my shoe at the screen; there ain't nothing new that those two can produce.

If they send him in as a henchman for that E-VILL Vince MacMahon, I'm gagging myself with my own hair; we've been there, done that (sloppy seconds ain't my style)

If he feuds with Austin, welcome to my hunting gun barrel. I wouldn't be keen on him against Triple H either; I've seen those two in matches all the way back in 1996.

So what's left?

{shrugs}

I don't know either.

We'll see, I guess. Frankly, he isn't needed, not with the huge success with RAW lately.

(Pardon me while I throw on some Our Lady Peace. Even if I'm turning American, I will ALWAYS love the Canook music that you schmucks have no clue about. You people don't even know the Tragically Hip! Never a full Yankee will I be! Moist, I Mother Earth, Sloan, the Tea Party, Matthew Good,......oops. Tangent. Sorry.)

Speaking of RAW's success..... hey, it's all lovely and fine that they're doing so well. One problem:

TOO MUCH HHH / MACMAHONS.

Good lord, that group is getting annoying.

My main complaint isn't with the subject of the monologues. In fact, I think that HHH is fantastic on the mic. Shane's alright. Stephanie's looking better, and a lot more entertaining than she was in that Daddy's Girl routine (I always knew she had E-VILL in her; she's a MacMahon for god's sake) Vince is always killer.

There IS a limit, however.

My main complaint has to do with the fact that there seems to be a lot of WWF superstars that don't have established characters, only names and music. The culprit? No mic time, interviews, video montage, nothing. The person who comes to mind most is Chris Benoit, although any Radical other than Eddy Guerrero (who has video time.... see the difference it's making?) Benoit has no on-air personality, and even though he carries the Intercontinental belt, he's not really seen or thought of in any entertainment value.

No mic time, that's why. I swear, it has more presedence than people tend to think, and perhaps more than the WWF thinks (although I doubt it)

Come on. Is it really necessary to see HHH three times in a show? What about the Rock? Or Vinnie Mac? MUST Shane MacMahon special referee every damn main event match? MUST Vince MacMahon give a ten minute speech about why he doesn't owe the viewers an explaination regarding any action he takes? What about Linda MacMahon???

All I'm saying is that a few extra interviews per show could do wonders for those who aren't getting a thing, and establish those who deserve it. Hell, look at Edge and Christian's newfound entertainment factor. They've barely said a word for the whole two years they've been around, and since they've been guests on commentary, and been given the mic, their credibiility, attention, and TV time has gone up big-time.

While still on the HHH note, I have to comment on this recent bit of rumour that was handed to me regarding Judgement Day:

Possibly headlining Judgement Day - The Rock vs. HHH (withawholebunchofstipulations)

Pardon those who I offend but WHAT THE FUCK?????????

I would love to know who's marketing genius it was to once again throw these two in the main event AGAIN for the PPV. This is the third time for God's sake! Did the WWF not learn their lesson with the Undertaker and Kane squaring off PPV after PPV back in 1998? HHH vs Mick Foley? The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels? (Hmm... what's with the repeated of the Undertaker here? How curious)

Either way, I sincerely doubt that even the most markish of marks care to see The HHH and The Rock again, except this time with heavily swerved stipulations, supposedly involving Shawn Michaels or other such nonsense.

You know, with the WCW starting to make some waves and actually put together some decent material (this week's Thunder being a good example) it is CRUCIAL that the WWF doesn't slack off and present tired-out, old angles. Already there's evidence that this is the case, what with the whole "screw the champion out of the WWF" state of mind that was done to DEATH in 1998 (and 1999 for that matter) involving the vile and kinda E-VILL Vince MacMahon, and the matches assigned to heavily influence the challenger in the HOPES that the belt will be taken off that champion.

Unreal. I don't even have the patience for this shit anymore.

On a side note, isn't it funny how everyone calls Stephanie a slut, when she's married and has never appeared to fuck around on HHH, but merely because she's got the curly hair and a short skirt? Well, she's got that high-whiny voice too.... still.....

Kurt Angle is the most amusing character I have seen in a long, long time. Hilarious. I find it hard to believe that this guy as only been an Olympic athlete and nothing else.

Tori being beaten up is always a good thing. She got useless pretty fast. I almost had an orgasm when Chris Jericho nailed her with the springboard dropkick.

Question: Just from a feminine perspective - What possible redeeming factor does X-Pac give as a boyfriend? I can't see a package on him. Can you? Looks awfully flat..... probably sex is as well for him.

Backlash was the first time that Chyna has ever entered the realm of female valet obligations, and been stripped to her bra and panties.

Even though the Big Show's new rap entrance music is far from stellar, he looks happy, and that's what counts. Those imitations he gives out have more energy than anything else I've ever seen from him.

What WWF superstar doesn't hate the Rock, I ask? Find me one person who likes him. Anyone. And leading up to his title reign (yawn) Why did the Rock get so many second chances?

The Lord CTD has informed me of something drastically important! Regarding one of the most promising and uprising surperstars ever in the WWF's cherished history!

Listen to this (careful, now. Clean the wax out.)

Ready?

"Whenever the Big Bossman does not tap his nightstick on the steelsteps.........he loses."

I don't think that Steve Blackman has legitimate heat. Rather I think that the chants for "Head Cheese" are more of what's expected, than any type of heat. Doesn't help that now we've devoid of any Al Snow skits.

I suppose it's time for me to do the same. Get devoid, I mean.

Friends, if I never see you again, it's been fun.

Pray the train doesn't crash, I'd prefer to keep my good looks in tact.

I'll let you know, babes. Ciao.

{blows them all a kiss}