And yes, oh yes. It's true.

My breasts missed you all.

Give 'em a squeeze and say hello!

How am I? I just lost about five month's work of writing about fifteen minutes ago. My aunt had some fucking "guard dog" thing on her computer, and I used that computer a few days ago. Apparently it's completely wiped out my diskette. But thanks to one slash columnist who will remain nameless, I will recover. And he's getting favours.

And I will trounce all your candy asses with my famousness.....ness.

Not that I don't love you all with a thousand passions or anything.

Beyound that, I look damn fine today, and once again I'm lacking the underwear necessities, so it can't be a bad day for any of you. And no, I'm not lying about it. I have a strange penchance for going without underwear these days, call it the free hippie in me.

Dare I ask for a few blown kisses in my direction, gentlemen? Hm? Kiss it better?

Dare I tell you what "it" is?

To: Cyanindigo@hotmail.com
Sunject:.......

Blessed be those oh-so-entertaining columns. I am fortunate in the fact that I have not been reading your column long enough to go through withdrawal in a one-week absence. However, the fact that after, like, 2 columns, you've hooked me this fast says something about one of us. I think I'll go the way of the diplomat and say it's your incredible seduction skills.

Speaking of which, do you ever take the time to refine your skills? If so, I'm a willing practice dummy. Think about it.

Also, can I get an address for that sports bar you hang out at? I figure that if you do have the perfect breasts, don't wear underwear, and have to go topless just to get a channel changed, I'd be more than happy to buy two drinks and take a looksee.

Please excuse my spelling mistakes. I'm American.

Shot2Hell

Do I take the time to refine my skills? Why, yes. As often as I can. However, I need someone with stamina, with endurance, with the will to succeed. At present, I have a quite satisfactory one in that flustered, knees-knocking Michaelangelo character, who is so obviously in love with me that he can't even spell correctly.

And believe it or not, despite my fine, proud Canadian nature, I do have a thing for Americans. You're not from Providence, are you? Either or, I'm afraid it's no dice with the sports bar address. I have my friends, I have my Canadanadanadia liquor, I don't feel the need to flash for fun. That's dirty!

To: CyanIndigo@hotmail.com
Subject: DDMP

Greetings, mademoiselle. 'Tis I, Spicy Jack the Pirate. First off, your columns are excellent. I say, we need MORE columns written from the perspective of half (or fully) naked women. Anyway, down to brass knucks...

You wrote...

And who in the hell is Prince Albert BLOWING??? GOD,how in the bloodiest of hell is he getting all these opportunities???? These matches? They don't actually see POTENTIAL, do they?

To which I reply...

I totally agree. Read my old column from the Rant Crew on rantsylvania.com (Vince, STOP pushing these people!) where I commented that good ol' PA must be getting the "Darren Drozdov Memorial Push". *sigh*

And may I say, ick. You couldn't PAY me to try and grow that much back hair.

Spicy J

You know, nothing quite tickles my peppered tomato more than a guy named Spicy Jack the Pirate. I love it. You people are awesome! I love my fans!

And gentlemen, take note: one of the tantric-lover requirements of this girl is NO BACK HAIR. No back hair, and no chicken legs slimmer than mine. Beyond that, the floor is yours.

TO: CyanIndigo@hotmail.com
SUBJECT: Fighting X-Pac

...Grasshoppa, your strategy for fighting X Pac is flawed. Unless you are about 6'2", your reach disadvantage would lead to a massive ass whoopin' from X Pac. So, if I may just tutor every girl in the whole world on how to defend herself against a guy one-to-one, here it is:

AIM FOR THE NUTS!

I hate to put it so bluntly, but if you are confronted by a man, and he is threatening physical violence, you should just act like you are really scared, look down to see where his feet are (so you'll know what kind of angle to kick at) and then WHAM! IT'S UP, IT'S GOOD! You'd be surprised how long you girlies could put a man out of action if you just kicked the shit out of his Jimmy.

Anyways, sorry to ramble, but I thought I would pass that advice on.

Could you do me a favor? Touch it for me. YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE TOUCH YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE. What were *you* thinking, pervert?

Bethebunny

Grasshopper? Who told you my lover's nickname for me???

Comments on aiming for the nuts? Yes, it's the logical thing to do, BUT, keep in mind that it is what the man is expecting you to do. All guys are ready for it. Who ever expects to get a shot to the throat? I tell you THIS, girls, psych out with a fake knee to the nuts, and then jam the hard part of your palm into the throat. It's enough to make the person stop and react, choke for a minute, and THEN go for the nuts. Ex-kickboxer, AT YOUR SERVICE.

I provide many services. It's been requested, so I'm putting up the offer again, people:

If you've got the energy, the stamina, the originality and the sex drive, you send me your sex advice questions, and I will answer them. They don't call me a seduction artist for nothing; I can make you sweat over the phone.

No graphic detail, please, if I want that, I'll take hold of one of many admirers and get graphic with them, not you.

The challenge is up! Who can stump me?

No, that's not a sexual innuendo.

Although I represent one. Interested?

THE BIG STUFF

For once... I have nothing to say.

Usually in this section there are theories, analysis, all sorts of good stuff..... but there's nothing this week.

Well, shit.

People, all I can say is that this week didn't allow me to focus nearly as much as I could have. That and the WWF is disappointing me lately with their laziness and their general lack of attention regarding the matches, storylines, etc.

Now, usually I'd go off on a huge tyrade... but I think Michaelangelo just wrote about that. So I'll ask these questions, see where I go:

Is DX still training? Why? Because they are amazingly messy, lazy and reduced to run-ins and trademark manuoevers. And while this may not be anything new, it still hinders the main event when they are IN the main event. Wrecks my night seeing that shit.

Why are the fans lackluster these days? Because the matches with the ones everyone wants to see are way too short (ex. the Rock, Jericho, all that) and the matches that people are non-chalant about take three times as long (ex. Prince Albert vs. anyone)

Why is the Mean Street Posse employed? Because.... well, honestly I have no fucking clue.

Why has the WWF brought back Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah? Possibly because they are legends (and not remembering that no popular tv fan has any idea who they are) possibly because they offered and female wrestlers are needed, especially ones who actually know what they're doing so they don't kill the large-breasted ones (aka BB)

Why is there a dual holding of the Intercontinental belt? Because it's this same idea of the WWF's when there aren't enough contenders for a certain title: in some form, make the two popular ones team up and watch the Odd Couple arguments between them as they "struggle" to get along and co-operate. It's really tired, and we've been seeing it for years.

Why is there such a fuss about HHH taking the belt from the Big Show with a nutshot? Because it's such an unbelievable thing to have a E-VILL nasty heel win the belt cleanly that Jim Ross has to pick on something.

Case in point (and a little thumb of the nose to the Cyan non-believers): straight from memory, June of 1997, Owen Hart vs. Rocky Maivia, who was just starting out that previous Survivor Series. Match on RAW, good match, lots of technical ability, back and forth. Owen Hart surprised Rocky and rolled him up for the 1-2-......3??

Yep. Clean win. And Owen was a HUGE heel at that point, during the Hart Foundation reunion. I clearly remember Jim Ross being all over his ass for something as asinine as pulling the tights or something. "Cheater! Cheater!"

What are we, in the 80's here? Come on. Simply ridiculous.

Well....

I guess I filled up the big stuff. Hm.

STELLAR to Terri Runnels for giving me inspiration on what to wear to seduce Michaelangelo later. Black miniskirt, knee-high boots and a little tight t-shirt. Only difference with me is that I'll also have pigtails, little anime characters on my breasts, and a lollipop.

*POP*

Was that your head exploding? Or your skull?

THE QUICK NOTES

Lotsa notes and quick questions.

Why did the Dudleys change their attire from the ECW style to the Rey Mysterio-lack-of-any-intimidation camoflague gear?

And speaking of them, you know there's a problem when D-Von Dudley is selling Scotty Too Hotty's "Worm" manoever.

Sorry. There was no way in hell of getting around that sexual innuendo. GAWD.

You can't tell me that it's not going to be HHH vs. some form of Mick Foley (Cactus Jack?) at the Royal Rumble.

A literal Diesel impersonation by Test this week caught my attention. True enough, he's been heralded as the next Diesel / Kevin Nash for ages, but seeing Test stand on the second rope with that Wolfpac symbol on both hands made me raise an eyebrow. Careful, careful now. Gimmick infringement is WCW territory. Most of the time.

Anyone else notice the empty seats at RAW this week? Just something I realize as the cameras panned out to the crowd. Spaces... I thought they were selling out... maybe not.

They're not flocking to NITRO, are they???

Does Kane speak or doesn't he? Everyone is getting confused. Kurt Angle said no, he doesn't, and yet.... didn't Kane ask HHH for a Test match last week? Stick with the character, or get the revelation right.

Kurt Angle is more gifted on the mic than I would have thought. While he is new, and while he is annoying, have you noticed the ease he has on the mic? The genuinely good selling and offensive wrestling manoevers? And most especially, how he's fitting in just fine?

I can't figure out whether the Acolytes are over or not. Why not? Because while the crowd pops for their interference in other matches, they don't pop when they come out on their own.

Speaking of pops, why doesn't the Big Show get a good one, being the champ? Because before he was champ, there was no character development. Whereas you look at an example like the Rock, who was massively recognized and popular before his first world title run. Big pops, big reaction. Said it before, Paul Wight's being misused.

The Mean Street Posse is actually getting a push. Imagine that.

Does the vinyl tights that HHH ever chafe? Why am I asking this??

The scissor kick? NOT A FINISHER. Damn it all, first Steve Blackman and now Prince Albert. It's not a finisher!! It looks horrid! It's not effective, it's not convincing, and hell, it's too quick to register (fan-wise I mean)

Those DX vignettes "Have a Bad Day"? There have been better. And was that Mideon behind the Mankind mask? I think so.... not sure, it was difficult to tell.

And a simple comment for the non-HHH section of DX: they're not a force anymore, but a nuisance.

I would assume that having HHH's belt around Stephanie's waist symbolizes her new chastity belt. Hm, hm.

I'm experiencing some Chyna problems. The dilemna? Why she can't learn anything new.

Might I offer her two minute match starting offense? Forearms to the head, possibly a European uppercut or two, until the man goes into the corner. Kicks to the side. Irish whip into the opposite corner, followed by her cartwheel-handspring... thing...(what does she do? Elbow? Splash? Looks sloppy every time.) DDT. 2 count lateral press cover.

Now come on. Why should I be able to illustrate that? That's ridiculous. In fact I can do it with others. Maybe I'll do one a week.

Regularly, I do more than one a week, but the WRESTLING context is the one I was referring to.

Score! Get it? Ah, whatever. Screw you. No, I won't.

CLOSER - HE'S MINE, DAMMIT

(and no, there will be no mud-oil-whipped-cream-bikini-thong-evening-gown-who-gets-bare-breasted -first-so-called-wrestling-match-on-a-PPV......yet)

Taken from this week's Expansion Column by Michaelangelo. I feel the need to comment after I read this and silently reacted.

FROM: Torri Rolfe
SUBJECT: Can I, Can I?

Be your groupie that is. I mean, I know that you'll be forever obsessed with Cyanindigo's *ahem* assets, but maybe she can give me a few helpful hints on how to do whatever she does to men.

Torri

Michaelangelo's response:

Wow! She accepted! I have a groupie! Worship me! I'm sure that CyanIndigo wouldn't mind sharing me with you and I'm sure she'd be happy to give you whatever pointers you think you may need. Welcome aboard!

Excuse me.

Since when do I share?

Since when do I share MICHAELANGELO?

You know, I'll make this short. Torri, my dear cherie, tips are fine. I'll tell you whatever you want, it's peachy-keen fine with me. (Spread the wealth and the sex tips! There will be no more war!)

It's all in the eyes, sweetie. Keep your face low and your eyes watching steadily from underneath your eyelashes, lips slightly parted breathing through your mouth. Showing mysterious desire is the key, ladies.

That, and don't wear underwear.

.....
........
..........
.............

Oh, yes. And regarding the painter?

You can be the groupie.

But he's mine.

Meow.

Send the mail and the questions to cyanindigo@hotmail.com.

I'm feeling generous: May you all climax more than once.

Keep your spit to yourself, and do me right the first time.