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CyanIndigo

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UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL

Who would've thought that Christopher Robin Zimmerman HIMSELF would be asking me for hot sex???

Imagine that.

But no comment as to what my answer was.

Apologies to all, I forgot the breast references last week. (DAMN!) There's a first, I was busy talking about my lack of wearing underwear that I completely forgot to mention them.

Did you all miss it? Hm?

Just to piss off everyone more, I write this completely naked, wrapped in a black silk sheet, rose petals and ice cubes waiting to be used next to the bed, my sole purpose in life to fill your desires.

Yep. Hear that beep? Here comes the hate mail and angry columns.

TO: CyanIndigo@hotmail.com
SUBJECT: /wrestling/guests/you

Hello,

That's one spanking great column you have there. Speaking of columns, have you read MINE?

Some comments:

  • Does it really matter whether Steve Austin gets a career saving operation or not? I mean if Mick Foley is finally retiring, Steve Austin can't be that far behind him anyway. He's too injured to do actual wrestling moves anymore and its not like the crowd reaction will keep him going forever. Or perhaps I am too cynical?

  • The Bulldog's finisher. He is certainly in better shape than he was during his WCW tenure where he looked awful, but he is still pig shit in the ring. He can do two wrestling moves, the hanging suplex and the power slam, that are of note. I don't think the poor bastard has anything left in him. His work rate is pretty dire and I can't see him coming up with anything better than a powerslam. I suppose he could bore his opponent to death with one of his interviews. It has to be accepted that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm sorry that was a terrible pun.

  • I agree completely with what you said about Jim Ross lying about the NAO being the "most honoured, the best team ever in the World Wrestling Federation". What utter crap. Jim is revered like he is some sort of wrestling god. Jim has sold out like they all do and he's forgotten the many tag teams, past and present, that are/were much better. Edge/Christian rock, the Hardys are excellent. Plus, does JR really think the NAO are better that the Rockers? Than the Legion of Doom in their prime in the early 90s? What was the man thinking?

  • The ends to matches are more exciting than the matches themselves because there is hardly any good wrestling in the matches any more, and you're waiting for the obligatory swerve/run in/screwjob. Just my opinion.

    Keep writing those columns, were there any breast references this week? I didn't spot any. Are you afraid you might be losing your touch a little? Just teasing.

    Bye,

    Marvellous Martin

    In quick format, here's my comments: if Austin can wrestle, he can still draw a crowd, albeit a smaller one, so whatever capacity he can manage, he will do. I doubt the British Bulldog wouldn't have any desire to learn anything new, considering he's getting a steady paycheck to do not much of anything for the WWF. On a strange note, I'm partial to the British Bulldogs as a deserving tag team. And I personally watch the matches for the wrestling, because I love the stuff inside the beginning and end. The screwjob endings piss me off.

    And I don't lose my touch. You lose YOURS when I get a hold of you.

    Don't forget about me when I'm gone, cherie. >SMACK<

    THE BIG STUFF

    The WWF, according to rumours, has lost complete faith in the Big Show as a champion. They can't understand why he's not getting over, why he's not credible......so they're going to strip him of the title. Soon.

    Complete and utter BULLSHIT.

    This pisses me off highly.

    Let's look at the facts, shall we? Why isn't the Big Show a "credible champion"? LOOK AT THIS OPPONENTS. For god's sake, people..... Prince Albert and the Big Bossman, supposed #1 contenders? Oh, yes, that'll prove to the world what a champion the Big Show is. C'MON. It's bloody ridiculous. If you're champ, if you're given the opportunity to run with the title instead of one of the championship mainstays (ie HHH) you should be facing main event caliber people. You should be given mic time, vignettes, pyros, storylines, some bloody RECOGNITION.

    Another reason why apparently the Big Show hasn't gotten over as the champion? Because the WWF is purely focusing on the HHH / MacMahon storyline. If not that, it's the Rock vs. Al Snow with Mankind as the troubled best friend. If it's not that, it's Kane vs. the 1-2-3 Skid.

    There has been NO EFFORT what-so-ever to give Paul Wight some credibility as the frickin' WWF champion....I suppose it can be said that it's obvious that he was never going to be given any to begin with.

    WHY am I pissed off about this? I'll tell you why, originally I didn't want the Big Show as the champion. But the idea grew on me, the idea of giving some no-so-predictable people a chance to see if they could make it as main event caliber superstars.

    That's why I'm such a Jericho mark, an Edge mark, and even to a degree, a Big Show Mark. 'Cause I want to see the future of the WWF develop. I want some decent chances, not typical fan-pandering.

    But of course, majority rules, and those "popular TV" fans out there who are only watching because it's the cool thing to do (ya, where were you all during Wrestlemania 12 and that fantastic Iron Man Match, between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels, hm?) So if the fans want the Rock, if they want HHH or the Undertaker or whatever, they're going to get it.

    Majority sucks. Expect to see the Rock regain the title at Wrestlemania 2000. I'm guaranteeing it.

    *sigh*

    And apparently I'm cute when I'm mad, so it's not a total loss.

    Moving on,

    Actually, no, NOT moving on. I'm pricky about this subject, about this ridiculous feuds that are going on.

    The Acolytes are getting a push? They face the Mean Street Posse. What the HELL.

    Viscera is on RAW consistantly. What the HELL.

    Chris Jericho is the Intercontinental champion? He faces Prince Albert. What the HELL.

    And who in the hell is Prince Albert BLOWING??? GOD, how in the bloodiest of hell is he getting all these opportunities???? These matches? They don't actually see POTENTIAL, do they?

    OY.

    I'm getting all steamed up. Better take off my shirt.

    *phew*

    Well, anyways, my breasts are here now. Say hello.

    "Hello, pretty breasts!"

    Last big topic. Let's talk about Al Snow's heel push.

    Can Al Snow ever get over?

    NO.

    And I'll tell you why, at least in this circumstance.

    True enough, he's in a prime position for heel status: put against the Rock, primo "I wanna be just like him" favourite of the year. He's also gotten at odds with Mankind, "just f'ing great" hero of the year. It's prime, isn't it?

    Nope.

    Sure, he's going to get a little bit of heel heat. But it's not going to last. I mean, it's not like he doesn't deserve it, and in other circumstances such as the way things were before the "badd-ass" era of the WWF, he probably would get over. What's stopping him?

    The lack of an outrageous gimmick.

    Let's face it, that is the key to every big superstar in the WWF: personas that are larger than life and twice as unbelievable. The interesting thing now is that it's not so much cartoon superheros, it's real-people "If I only had the guts to be like that" icons.

    Al Snow doesn't have that. He's a real guy. He's a real nice guy, a real wrestler, he's realism personified. Even with HEAD, it wasn't really anything...well.... outrageous, I suppose. You think people watch wrestling for it's stark realism? C'mon.

    Give it a few months. Al's not going anywhere.

    STELLAR to Faarooq. Huh? Yep, I'll admit it. I loved seeing this guy play up to the fans when the WWF went to FSU. I haven't seen Ron Simmons really enjoy himself, be that sort of "legend" for ages and ages. It was nice to see.

    STELLAR to Mankind, just because he's so damn funny. "Did I just get my ass kicked by the Mean Street Posse?" "Ho, ho, ho, I don't know if you're the type of 'ho' that Santa was talking about" "Is she really holding you back?" Foley is a god. Now gimmie that book, Michaelangelo!

    STELLAR to my wrestling bar, the Dominion House. You want Canadanandania? There's your place. Labatt Blue, the Tragically Hip on the jukebox, and lots of swearing at the television. Not to mention cold drafts to make you feel at home, you really feel it when you don't wear underwear, I'm telling you.

    THE QUICK NOTES

    No, the third STELLAR statement does not prove that I'm a guy. I am the only chick there, surrounded by by guy friends, but I am a girl, and I am a spectactular one at that. Go ask the painter about me sometime, he's the one with the scoop on the Cyan-love-meter, I'm telling you.

    NITRO notes! Aren't you tickled pink?

  • This Revolution is not going to last. Neither will the new-formulated NWO (let it DIE, people)

  • Piper's last appearance? Sure it is.

  • Why is Bret STILL talking about Survivor Series '97 screwjobs?

  • And why is Bret continually switching from face to heel? Pick a side, dammit!!

  • You know it's going to be trouble with the Filthy Animals' return.

    *snort*

    *giggle*

    Whatever. It's Konnan, for God's sake. And that's enough WCW.

    The problem with Christian's singles wrestling? He's too predictable. He has a tendancy is to go directly for that reverse DDT set-up manoever of his, and not much else.

    A lumberjack match is never a good idea. In fact, it's almost as lame as a triple threat.

    OK, that's mild bias. I have my reasons for despising tripl.... HEY! Why do I have to explain a damn thing?????

    Didn't Stephanie ever have feelings for Test? It seems like there's a lot of personal humiliation regarding the sweating ex-groom, but why? What did the guy do beyond looking like a ferret?

    So.. Chyna's gone from being an Intercontinental champion to a nuisance and a force for distraction. Yep.... right back to the days of doing the bodyguard thing for HHH.

    Chris Jericho isn't doing all he can technician-wise in the ring.... but it's not his fault.

    And on that note, there is nothing cuter than a man doing a Jericho impression for his girl. Take note, it won me over.

    To expand on my little bit of frustration regarding Jim Ross's falsified comment about how the New Age Outlaws are "the best, the most honoured tag team in the history of the WWF" I believe that while the NAO may be one of the most OVER tag teams in history (that's debatable, go ahead and start without me) I wouldn't consider them "most honoured." Not in the least.

    I am really, really intrigued by these sudden Tazz symbols that keep popping up. What is the WWF going to do with him?

    Hardcore Holly's vertical suplex is as good as the British Bulldog's.... when he could still do it, of course. Ah, the good ol' 80's with sequins and dog-napping.

    Interesting how already there are signs with variations of Kurt Angle's "The Three 'I's in the crowd.

    Mankind vs. Santa Claus? I shudder to remember the debut of E-VILL XANTA Claus. GAWD.

    There is no reason why the Hardy Boys shouldn't be higher in the tag ranks than they are. Why can't they be champions? Why can't they beat the New Age Outlaws cleanly like I really believe they can? How about some WRESTLING, people?

    And on a further note, Jeff Hardy is more singles bound than Matt.

    What does it matter if Tori wasn't there to watch Kane get beat up, if she was "duped" into being somewhere else? She couldn't save the day? Who does she think she is, the unbelievable, frightening 1-2-3 Skid? C'mon.

    And by the way, if it was ME against X-Pac in a sporadic out-of-nowhere match, I would do this without hesitation.

    Single palm thrust to the throat, side thrust kick (heel first) to the solar plexus then to the forehead, a few minutes of straddling that straggly thing and seeing how many times I can crush my fist into his face before the bones give, and then, when I get up and he tries to shoot at me and take me down, a guillotine choke-hold which cuts off the blood supply to the brain using the bony inside of your wrist, and that's that.

    Finito. Bloody mess.

    So there.

    My little wannabe lover Michaelangelo wasn't kidding when he said I can hold my own. For the 1-2-3 Skid, I can take the time off.

    And no, this doesn't prove that I'm a guy. GET OVER IT.

    A LITTLE EXTRA CLOSER

    Just for a little fun. A contribution from the sticky hands (hm-hm, no comment) of the Lord CTD:

    "'Twas the night before Christmas, in a converted rink.
    Not a creature was stirring, not even the Fink.
    The boots were all laid by the stage with great care
    In hopes that the smell is taken with night's air.
    

    On my desk were some papers piled in large stacks, I had just settled down to sign some contracts. Then from backstage there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my office to see what's the matter.

    And what to my wandering eyes should appear, But seven men fighting and one drinking beer. I wondered what got them all so hot, I think it was offering all a Title Shot.

    'Cause I am the owner so lively and quick, I thought up a match, that should do the trick. I sent them all to Battle Royal for fame, 'In that very ring' Lillian calls them by name.

    Here's Taker, and Helmsley, Kane, and Big Show, Now Mankind, and Rocky, Edge, and Al Snow. Drop kicks and body slams and arm bars galore, The ultimate prize to the winner of this war.

    And I heard J.R. say as I walked out of sight, 'Welcome to Raw, it'll be a Slobberknocker tonight!'"

    Wel, I found it cute.

    Preliminary warning: During the holidays, take note. If you feel the Cyan-olyte withdrawl symptoms.....here's some advice......

    No twelve step program will eh-eh-eh....

    *SMACK*

    .....EVER get you over me.

    So you might as well suffer.

    Sorry. Hey, I'll be back soon enough. You won't have time to miss my breasts.

    Joyeux Noel! Go lay the lip-smack down on someone! And as always,

    Keep your spit to yourself, and do me right the first time.

    CyanIndigo
    Seduction Artist for Hire

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    Design copyright (C) 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
    Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission