Let me curve a finger in your direction and gesture you over. Just a little closer now, sweetheart. That's right.

This is original, this is that cute CyanIndigo, and I blow you all a kiss from these watermelon-gloss lips, promising a half-decent column this week.

Hopefully.

Maybe.

Ah, who am I kidding. I suck.

Hm. Self-note: Better not say that in public anymore.

Either way, this is a wrestling column. (*gasp* Really, Cyan? Why yes, little ones) So we might as well get the motion on and prove why I am considered to be quite the little Canadian ice-chewing wrestling goddess. Nominated by one really cute [slash] renaissance painter and the general fourteen year old population.

Quite the prize, dont'cha know. Gotta love the young ones. So easy to manipulate, use up and leave them shivering on the street.

Just two letters this week I feel like sharing. One serious, one amusing:

SUBJECT: Wrestlemania Main Event and other things...
To: Cyan_77@yahoo.com

I'll say Rock vs Triple H for the title, but even if it's not the Championship it's still the main event.

I pick the Rock to win if the title is at stake, HHH otherwise, either way the feud will probably last at least until the PPV after Wrestlemania.

As for Jericho working his way up, you shouldn't be comparing him to Rock or HHH. From what I gather The Rock was massively pushed after his entry into the Federation, it wasn't that long into his career that he was given the IC championship, plus he has what? Three or four world title reigns? Not bad for a guy who has only been in wrestling three years, . Triple H was a member of the Kliq after all so he really didn't have to work to establish himself in the WWF. Plus you also need to consider that Jericho was pretty popular when he made the jump, Helmsley was a former WCW jobber I think while Rock was a newcomer.

Of course this is all moot since you won't admit you're wrong, which is precisely the correct thing to do. "It's not me that fails, it's the universe that fails to comply."

Michael Stakely

Michael's right. (Mm. I like the name Michael. It just screams good...nothing.) But he's only partially right in my view. Can you not compare Jericho to the Rock in the sense that both were given the Intercontinental belt a few months into their WWF career? While Jericho may be known from the WCW, Rock (then known as Rocky Maivia) had the whole High Chief Peter Maivia / Rocky Johnson background to make him well-known. The Rock was a newcomer in a sense (he was Flex Cavana in another indy organization) but consider the amount of popular TV fans who had no idea who Jericho was. It's brief, but it's a point. When I compare Jericho to HHH or the Rock, it's moreso in terms of charisma.

And why would I ever admit to being wrong? What will THAT do? I can't say I lied, no one would ever believe me.

SUBJECT: Rates
TO: Cyan_77@yahoo.com

Since you have a "seduction advice" thing going, here's my question:

Is it wrong to just walk up to strange girls and ask them if they want to have hot nasty sex? Because if it is, I'll stop.

I only have about 35 cents on me right now, but if you could help me out, I'd appreciate it.

Ahhhh...well, *I* thought it was funny!

Bethebunny

I take your 35 cents and I will answer that question. 'Cause I find it funny too.

If you walk up to a pretty girl asking for hot sex, and she turns you down with a disgusted sneer on her face, you wouldn't want a girl like that anyways. What's the bother? She'd hold you down and make you beg to touch her. Not your type. At least you know.

If you walk up to a pretty girl asking for hot sex, and she says "oh hell yes" and tears off your pants, well, hell, you're in for a nice night and it's worth the courage and bluntness.

See how it works?

And no, that answer does not prove that I'm a guy.

Any other questions on seduction techniques? Feel free to write and confess your sins at the address on the bottom of the page. Warning, they might be a little unholy.

After all, this is a column by a pretty, surprisingly young girl who adores wrestling, video games and regularly goes without underwear.

WHAT IN THIS WORLD?????

THE BIG STUFF

Here's the skinny from the slender one herself: things are looking a little better for the WWF. The Undertaker will be returning soon, to the rumours of either feuding with the Big Show or possibly starting a new stable of wrestlers to manage. Ken Shamrock has apparently been cleared to return to the WWF after rehibilitating that neck injury. Taz's debut from Extreme Championship Wrestling is already being hinted at with the flashing orange lights. And of course, there is the updated surgery date regarding "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, and the news that this surgery could very well save his wrestling career.

Perhaps the previous qualms about the WWF's lack of security with main eventers weren't necessary.

Then again, Miss Kitty is the woman's champ.

And there was a chocolate pudding match on RAW.

So what now? Results? The top five matches predicted for Wrestlemania 2000, accumilated over the past week.

1) HHH vs. the Rock
2) Chris Jericho vs. the Rock
3) HHH vs. Big Show
4) Rock vs. Big Show
5) Undertaker vs. Big Show

Every internet site on the block is predicting that it'll be HHH vs. the Rock.....

And I'm telling you right now that the WWF listens. And they pull swerves. Don't be so sure of it. Don't be sure of anything.

So what do I think? Hm? Well, one of two. Rock vs. Jericho would be fantabulous. But, as much as I'd adore to see Rock vs. Jericho (and I would, I'd die a happy, flushed death at that) I don't know whether Jericho will be up to that caliber at that time, what with the fact that he's only the IC champ right now, and his popularity isn't immense (although it should be)

So my official pick? The Rock vs. the Big Show.

Think about it. If HHH gets his title shot at the Royal Rumble against the Big Show, I'm inclined to think that the WWF may focus more on the Stephanie betrayal than the actual title match. Let's say that I'm right, and the Big Show pulls an upset win over HHH, which further intensifies his standing as a WWF champion.

The Rock wins the Rumble, I'm saying it now. With two months of solid build-up and mic work, throw in a few interesting twists here and again, then have a single true confrentation (look back to Shawn Michaels vs. Steve Austin at WM14, a thing of build-up beauty)

With the Rock coming out on top to regain the championship and officially place himself on the top of the heap, and the Big Show given enough attention and recognition that he is officially a number one contender, it's PERFECT.

Aren't I smart? Why the hell aren't I working for the WWF scripters? I'd put in so much sex and evil twists that you'd all turn into post Dirk-Diggler.

On a side note, alot of you think that it'll be Taz vs. Chris Jericho for the Intercontinental title, and I'm inclined to agree. A stellar match, that would be.

STELLER to Kane for the clothesline off the top of the cage at Armegeddon. Sure, it's nothing amazing, since people do it all the time now. But he hasn't. And he's a big sucker of a guy, and that's a hell of a long way down. He did good.

STELLAR to CHRIS JERICHO for making me mark-out like a fourteen year- old in the girl's locker room at his win of the Intercontinental title from Chyna. Clean submission with the Walls of Jericho, a good match, and using the term "sassy". I love it.

THE QUICK NOTES

God, I hate people who blatently copy me. You sympathize, chere?

Mark Henry always appears to be lazy in his application, reaction, and general demeanour in wrestling. Snap it up. Not with Mae Young, howver. God, that made me shudder. On BOTH ENDS.

Is Steve Blackman ever frustrated?

OBLIGITORY CHICK STATEMENT: Jeff Hardy is a hot one. Homina, yowza, WOW. That body reminds me of another I encountered in Detroit one sporadic evening. God damn. I'd readily remove my underwear for him.

Which artistic man am I talking about? Hm, hm.....

Do you think that Kurt Angle was surprised when he first learned that his status as an Olympic gold medalist would be the type of character to guarantee him a hated WWF heel? How fucked up is that?

On a related note, anyone else notice the vague similarities of Angle's exhuberant "whoo!" winning celebration to one Owen Hart's?

A pool match at Armegeddon? Ridiculous, you might say, but I consider it a little F-YOU to that under-sexed parent organization that's screwing up all the WWF's advertising deals. Especially the Kitty strip. I'd expect, since I'm a woman, you'd think I was offended, but I laughed my ass off. I don't care. Not like I haven't seen a pair like that in the mirror before.

"She went right for the zipper! It's a Greco-Roman zipper lock!"

See, even Jim Ross isn't taking this stuff seriously. Neither am I.

With that said: I'd like to make Michaelangelo into my personal Canook popsicle.

Here's a hint: sticking some poor schmoe in a feud with Viscera is never a good idea. Here's another: Sticking up for "all the fat people in the world" will NEVER get you over. The Repo Man will get over before you will.

Val Venis should be higher up in the ranks than he is.

All I'll say about the new "turbo-slut" Stephanie Helmsley is that it won't last.

Said it before: Chyna's one fault is her stamina. Proven at the PPV.

Lose the HardCore title. It's had its run.

The British Bulldog shouldn't use the powerslam as his finisher anymore. True, it's well-known to the real fans of wrestling, but for all the "popular tv" fans, they have no clue. It's not unique, it doesn't give the impression that it could put someone away (kind of like the Road Dogg and his butt-humping pump-handle slam) and it's not attention-grabbing. Change it.

SURE Tori and Kane are in love. Sure. What is the point of this???? Is this supposed to help Kane get over? What is it doing??

It never ceases to amaze me what MacMahons will do for their company.

Why are the endings to matches more exciting than the matches themselves?

And why in the hell did Jim Ross lie through his TEETH and say that the New Age Outlaws are the "most honoured, the best team ever in the World Wrestling Federation"????

And why do chicks prove their stereotype, comment on ugly wrestlers' hair in a squealing voice when they're sitting right behind my left ear, generally making me look like I'm with them, and therefore a bored girlfriend dragged along to the show ready to be ignored by all because of HER????

Needless to say, I want to sucker-punch you all in the throat.

CRZ feminine company excepted. Rebecca scares me.

New address because Yahoo generally sucks sour monkey ass:

CyanIndigo@hotmail.com.

Keep your spit to yourself, and do me right the first time.