Pure and simple, straight logic and all.

No, really.

Hey, where are you going? HEY!

Oops.

Well, shit. There goes my fan base. Forget that first statement.

Seems like there's a few minor players in the porn industry who think I suck (no comment) because I occasionally write about my "Canadian critters" my "10th and 11th Wonders of the World" and all that jazz.

Oh, yes, I read the Expansion Column and realized how much you're bashing that renaissance painter for talking about me and my breasts. And I blow a kiss in his direction because I appreciate him putting up with the mail regarding me.

But then again,

Why should I care about the nay-sayers?

Let's examine the facts of this internet madam's life. I've got about four other columnists mentioning me in their personal works. I've gotten a nice amount of Slash Hype and fan mail. I've got a pocket by the name of Michaelangelo who can't get enough of me....

(And yes, the truth is out: we have met.....)

....Is there really a PROBLEM here?

C'mon, people. Who doesn't like wrestling and breasts intertwined in a column? Everyone likes breasts. EVERYONE. You're telling me you don't? RIGHT. Don't give me that whiny crap about how you're looking for wrestling and wrestling only. Why are you male and on the Internet if you're not looking for breasts? Honestly!

(Yes, I'm aware that females read this for breasts too. That's the scary part.)

Besides, despite the hassle, despite the obvious arrogance on my part, I'll tell you this....nothing makes me smile my pretty smile quite like I do with wrestling, guys. Nothing.

So keep reading and lighten up, 'cause I might surprise you with wrestling this time.

Subject: Hmmmnnnn.....Wrestling thoughts
To: Cyan_77@yahoo.com

Hey Cyan!

Regarding your mini-rant about WWF booking practises; I find these matches a refreshing change. I can't stand the site of the same four or five guys fighting each other time and time again in the main event. How many Mankind/Undertaker, Undertaker/Kane, Rock/HHH, Stone Cold/HHH matches can we keep on seeing before eventually we (shudder the thought) start switching to

the competition??? The WWF just doesn't have the wealth of talent the WCW does and the only way they are gonna get their guys over and pushed is to have them face the Mankinds, the Rocks, the Triple H's, the NOAs, etc.

Not that it will help these poor mid-carders. My somewhat convuluted theory: WWF and WCW fans will only care about a small percentage of the wrestlers in the federations they follow. It is usually a wrestler with good mic skills and little wrestling skills. I offer into evidence: Nash, Stone Cold, the Rock, Buff F'ing Bagwell. There are exceptions, e.g., Brett Hart, Mankind, Goldberg (although his wrestling skills are debatable). How Benoit, Malenko, Eddy Guerrero, the Hardys, Edge and Christian are not more over is sad in my opinion. Face it, when an amazing match like the ladder match between the Hardys and Edge and Christian does not get either group over, it is no longer the entertainer who is at fault, it is the brainless, non-smark fans who are the vast majority of the wrestling audience.

Anyway, sorry about that.....I guess now I really wont get to see those wonderfuly Canadian brea..... ummm.....opinions, yeah, opinions... Anyway, worst finisher, I can think of many, but I saw a WCW Saturday Night a few months back that saw Vincent win an armbar!!!!

Take care,

Halkman

Why did Vincent win with an armbar? Because the actual use of a wrestling hold frightened his opponent into submission. Whatta killer!

And for the quick record, I'm all for giving pushes to the mid-carders....the ones with talent. Venis? Grand. Acolytes? Eh, to each his own with that.

Prince Albert? Moving on.

(Author's note: this is the response to the accusations I made on this guy, in which I called him on the fact that he said that "CyanIndigo is fat or a guy pretending to be a chick" in Michaelangelo's Expansion Column.)

Ahhhhh....you said and I quote "If I may, a little 'f-you':. Remember how Daffy Duck used to jump around and go "Woo woo woo woo"? THAT'S what I'm doing right now! You wanna F-me? Whaddaya *mean* that's not what you meant?? AND "LITTLE"? WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

If I might explain the whole "fat chick or a guy" letter I wrote. Michaelangelo had written about you in some of his columns, right? Sooooo, I figured that what might have been up is that a couple of Chris's friends could have been all "Hey, let's act like one of us is a really hot girl so the teenage boys will keep coming to the site (no pun intended). That's all. Soooo, I thought that I would email him and ask him if that was what was going on. Honestly, I didn't know he was gonna put that letter in his column, I just thought he would answer my question and that would be it.

About your point on the Ac-yee-lites (D Von), listen to the crowd! The guys are getting there, honest! And I think if you slapped some of that kooky black paint on Blackman's chest and just had him and Farrrooooqqqq and Bradshaw come out and pound people, it would be cool.

You didn't tell me if you also thought the Heart Punch and The Lame-Asser were weak. Do you? (Author's Note: Yes.)

Again, sorry. Sorry for the off-color language, but you used some in your columns before, so I thought it would be alright. If it offended you, I apologize. Also, and read all of this before you get mad, I don't really care if I see your puppies. I'm sure they're really nice, since Michaelangelo told me in his email that you were very good looking, but I really think your writing alone is enough to keep us readers coming back. Would I rather you just stick to wrestilng, and not mention that stuff? No. But I most certainly think you *could*.

Bethebunny

Now THAT kind of e-mail makes me all warm and tickled in more places than one. See, now, I don't suck, and I'm not a crack whore like some guy called me when he flamed me last week.

On Tuesdays, anyways. Beyond that, well.....

Did you check out this Buff McKenzie's column? (I thought that was one of Budweisers older mascots ...hmmmm) The less I say the better. Just read it if you get a chance, your royal highness.

Please. Miss.

On a side note. I kinda like the Acolytes. Go figure. I guess that means I am condemned to never see the shining light of the Internet Goddess due to my insolence.

I can still worship you though, right ? Hee Hee ! Have a good Thursday ! We have that silly American holiday to contend with down here.

Interesting factoid : My family on my Dad's side moved to North America from Ireland. My Grandfather's family moved to the States, my Grandmother's to Canada. Making me one eighth Canadian immigrant. I assume you don't mean Native Canadian Indian.

Hugs'n'Stuff

Shawn Colton

Ah-HA!! Someone picked up on my preference for men who are 1/8th Canadian! I'm impressed... extensive family tree lineage.....daily worshipping... hey, why aren't the rest of you on your knees before me? Because I like knees. Oh, yes, I do.

So gentlemen...... do you have what it takes to kiss a goddess?

Are you listening, wrestling superstars? The official list of the Worst Manoevers Ever Seen In a Wrestling Ring, brought to you by who else?

The Fame-Asser (3) (the winna!)
Road Dogg's Pump-Handle Slam (2)
Boss Man Slam (2)
Kevin Sullivan's double stomp (1)
Jim Duggan's Old Glory (1)
The Heart Punch (1)
The Slop Drop (1)
The Moonsault (1)
The Tongan Death Grip (1)
The Big Leg Drop by Hulk Hogan. (1)

(Funny fan quote - "Other guys do leg drops in the middle of matches to stall. However, Hogan's leg is magical, so he can do that.")

The Fame-Asser, number one hated in America? That's interesting to see. Hm.

You know, everyone in my letters seems to always bitch about how HHH has four moves in his repetoire, and doesn't deserve to be championship material. How his wrestling is boring. How he can't do anything, and he isn't even trying to learn anything new. Hell, I've said the same things myself.

I have a flash for you all. And me too.

EVERYONE in the main event has four moves in their repetoire.

With the exception of a few fantastic technical masters (Shawn Michaels comes to mind, if you don't like that, Benoit, Malenko, early Bret Hart, etc) ..... EVERYONE has around four moves that they spin around along with their punches, kicks and vertical suplexes.

Example #1 : Austin. Lou Thez Press. Second rope forearm. Stunner. Status? One of the better main eventers in the 1998 year.

Example #2 : The Rock. Floating DDT. People's Elbow. The Rock Bottom. Status? One of the most amazingly popular (and young) athletes in the WWF.

What does the manoevers have to do with being main event material? Answer? It doesn't. Maybe it should, but in this day and age, it doesn't. HHH is no different from the other main eventers that we all know and loved.

Don't even make me start in on Hogan.

Just to further my point, even the mid-carders are the same.

Example #3: Val Venis. Irish-whip into the ropes followed by a solid knee to the gut. Side Russian legsweep. Fisherman suplex. The Money Shot. Status: supposedly evil and has lots of white towels (to hide something, I wonder?)

See where I'm getting at? Lay off HHH. If you'd notice, wrestling has alot more to do with how you take the shots rather than how you perform them.

Moving on, with the rumours of Mick Foley's possible retirement from wrestling, and this week's diagnosis of Steve Austin, I can't help but be a little hesitant about the WWF's immediate future.

Let's face it, Austin is still a big seller. If he's put out of action, and if Mick Foley decides to spend more time with his family and off-camera, then that is a serious blow to the main-eventer division. Not to mention ratings. While yes, we still have the Rock, HHH, Kane, and plenty of other talents that could possibly step up to the plate, it's still looking a little bare.

My immediate idea?

Two words: Shawn Michaels. Bring the man back. Even if he refuses to wrestle (and I still don't know whether it's a matter that he can't, or whether he's just taking it easy and cashing paychecks) Michaels is a crowd-drawer.

Besides, I miss the man. No one does it like he does.

Get the Undertaker back on TV as soon as possible. Start thinking about bumping up people like Test (YES, I know this makes me sound like such a hypocrite... but I've been impressed lately) Jericho, Kane, and such. The ones that deserve it, please. Keep pushing new storylines. Get more MIC time to help get the new talent over, start gelling and solidifying their characters.

STELLAR: "Michael Cole has never had a piece of the poontang pie. Don't be afraid of the poontang! When you're ready for the poontang, the poontang will be ready for you." - Rock

STELLAR: DX swarmed by the WWF roster on SmackDown! Early Rumble previews! Food fight! See, this is the good stuff, people! They're having fun. Have a little fun with the wrestling. Lighten up!

STELLAR: "We may be your enemy, but we sure ain't the Public Enemy." - Dudleys to the Acolytes. Light personal slams!

Again, I caught about an hour of WCW. And the quick notes on this?