I'm the resident goddess of the site, the surefire way to put a little ooh in your ooh-la-la....

And I am NOT a guy. NOR am I fat. NOR am I old.

>SMACK< (this would be my fist against your temple)

Whatever, people. You get all wrangy about me posting a picture of these perfect breasts, and when I say perhaps, perhaps not, you call me a female impersonator and fat.

AND A HOUSEWIFE. GAH!

Well, I'll tell you what, if you want to see me that bad....

Go to a porn site, find a chick with blue eyes, auburn hair, and a lithe dancer's body.....stare for awhile....get all hot and bothered.......maybe mess up the keyboard.....

And pretend that she's nailing you in the throat with her fist and calling you a whiny douchebag. That's me, 100% genuine, in your living room. So get over it, and get on your knees for me, because you'll never even know what hit you when I'm finished. And you're gonna like it, so shut up.

One letter I liked above the rest this week, just because it ties in to what I was saying before:

FROM: DAVID ROY
SUBJECT: Too Bad

I was pleasantly surprised to see that you're a fellow Canadian, but then I realized that it could never work between us, despite all that we've got going (you - sexy female Canadian wrestling reporter; me - sexy male Canadian wrestling fan).

Unfortunately, the difference of opinion we have over Chyna's wrestling skills will preclude any romantic dalliances, as I cannot woo a woman who thinks that clunky Xena-wannabe can wrestle. (see my msg to CRZ following Survivor Series under "He gets letters" near the top).

Ah well, at least I can keep my fantasy image of you intact, since in real life you are probably about as sexy as I am shy. You could be a frustrated housewife who finds her true voice on the 'net, or a business woman whose head has hit the glass ceiling once too often. Or, maybe 77 is the year you were born, and you're a sexy young university student, not the 77th person to try and log a boring moniker like Cyan on Yahoo!

(Columnist's note: maybe you're onto something with the 77.)

I'm one of those 20-something fans that watched in the 80s, got lostfrom wrestling for a fair part of the 90s despite those being Bret Hart's 'glory title years', and has come back to the fold thanks to great young Canadian performers like Jericho, Edge and Chris Benoit (the Rock is good too for a Yankee, but he's getting tired already).

Ciao bella,
DR

PS. As a fellow Canadian, have you ever remarked on the phoneticism of CRZ's initials to an American? Until an American co-worker used 'zee' the other day, I had always considered him to be C-R-Zed. Now I see C-R-Zee and think *crazy*... Just one of those things. Maybe I'll ask him. I think if my name were Christopher Robin I would go by my initials too, he probably got beat up a lot as a child.

Personally, I've always called him C-R-Zee, not Zed. But I'm half American by nature, so that could have something to do with it.

And Christopher Robin Zimmerman..... beat up as a child???? Hm.... I don't know... any editor's comments you'd like to make and insert right here, CRZ? To clear things up? (As a kid, I was stringy and gangly and other assorted underweight words - also I had freaky hair and goofy, thick glasses - in other words, I never got beaten up - as it would have proven nothing. ANYBODY could have taken my ass. Also, as you might imagine, I had a tendency to fast-talk my way out of any confrontations...which was helpful, as I tended to get IN them by being a real smartass. - CRZ)

As for the claim that I could be a housewife, a business woman, or a sexy university student..... SHAH.... well, I'll say this. You would be surprised if you knew how young I actually am, how damn gorgeous I actually am, and how close to 100lbs I actually am. Is it that foreign of a concept?

Question: Why do you think Michaelangelo would rave about my breasts and general goddess beauty if he knew I was a guy?

(And I'll admit it. He knows. You'll find out how very soon.)

Why do I talk like this? Answer? I talk like this, I act all coy and seductive and talk in subtle PlayBoy tones.... because I like to tease and tiltilate and generally see what gets a rise out of my readers and my general Cyan-olyte followers. It's not my fault if my descriptions of seductive nudity and candle wax and silk scarves get people randy.

Then again, I'll admit that it's completely my fault when Michaelangelo gets randy, but anyways.....

HUGE OPENER. I'll stop now.

THE BIG STUFF

The only WCW comments I will make, and possibly never do again:

I made a promise on my perfect, desirable.....

Eyes. (Nyah)

..... at 8pm, Sunday night:

If I found out that Chris Benoit won the World Title during WCW's Mayhem tournament, then I would make an effort to watch WCW.

Luckily, thank god, Bret Hart won. (Hee, hee.) But still, I must admit.... I am.... intrigued? A solid 18 minute match between Bret Hart and Benoit? On my own Canadian territory? The fact that Chris Benoit got a World Title shot and wasn't squashed?

GOOD wrestling?

Ehh.... alright. I'm thinking about it. Maybe, MAYBE I'll try it out. I haven't caught WCW in about five months, for the pure fact that it puts me to sleep everytime it tries to excite me.

Kind of like my ex-boyfriend. (Score!)

That guy will be pumping my gas in ten years time when I am an international sex object with world-admired breasts and a cute, long-haired, Italian lover on my arm.

What a douchebag.

Oh, well. Moving on, the new gameplan of the WWF!

"Use all the big talent to push the little talent."

Mm-HM.

Oh, it's true, people, and I'm unsure as to whether I like it. Let me lay out the exhibits for you:

1) HHH vs. the ACOLYTES???
2) The Rock vs. the BOSSMAN?? Prince f'ing ALBERT?
3) The New Age Outlaws vs. the Hardy Boys (OK, hold on, I like that last one ; )
4) Mankind vs. e-vil VAL VENIS?

Whatever. You know, I'm all for getting mid-card talent over, give them a shot and all that jazz. I love the fact that people like Edge and Jericho and all sorts of multi-talented technicians are getting shots at the belt. But come ON. You're telling me that the WWF can't come up with better candidates that that sorry lot mentioned above? Hm?

You really think that the Acolytes are going to get over? Noo.... do you really think that Prince f'ing goddamn ALBERT is going to get over? Nooo.....

Talk about getting your potatoes all boiled up. GOD. Seems like such a waste of talent!

I need a laugh. A few of these did it for me. Let me share.

(Cut me some slack! So I don't have huge analytical stuff to present. So I'm not shoving theories down your throat. I'll make it up to you. It's been a fucked-up ... not the good kind..... week.)

The Lord CTD's Top Ten

The top ten people who should join DX are...

10. The Undertaker (Suck in Peace!)

9. Al Snow (SUCK, HEAD, SUCK, HEAD!)

5. Vince (Corporate Suck!)

4. Randy Savage (Oh yeah Suck it!)

3. Hulk Hogan (The 18 inch Suck!)

2. D-lo (Oh, you'd better Suck it!)

And the #1 person who should join DX is...

#1. Slaughter (Suck it! And that's an order!)

MY Little Question of the Week (oh, it's a one time thing, Michaelangelo, don't get your ponytail in a twist, chere):

What is the worst finishing manoever you've ever seen in wrestling The lamest, most unbelievable move used for a finisher that literally makes you wince with disgust.

Let me start you off:

#1 - the Road Dogg's pump-handle suplex. You drop around 3 feet onto your back. The pain? Or it just the embarassment of being humped from behind?

#2 - the Big Bossman's sidewalk slam. Yep.

#3 - You know who I want to say.

C'mon, I have to say it. Puh-lease with me on top? I'll get on my knees if you let me say it again.

Yes.. ooh.. I can feel it coming.....here it comes....

.....
.......
.........

Rocky Maivia's DEVASTATING SHOULDERBREAKER!!

Hee, hee.

STELLAR: "Who are you?" - Rock to Al Snow.

STELLAR: Mick Foley's impersonation of Arnold Schwarzenegger at the premiere of End of Days. I hope that's all over ET, because I and many others are sick of Arnold's pandering.

STELLAR: Above all, the BEST part of RAW is WAR was the red-faced screaming attack of Vincent K. MacMahon on the DX limosuine with his car and the baseball bat. And you people wonder why he's considered to be the best at his game. SHAH.

THE QUICK NOTES

Yes, I did catch NITRO. For the first time in about five months, I pouted my pink lips at the bartender to make him switch back and forth. I caught snippets, and this is what I've determined: