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A note to begin with, as if anyone really cares: did anyone else notice
that last week on Raw, the music that The Rock's "high school
girlfriend" walked out to was also the same theme music used by Lex
Luger during his WWF days as the Narcissist?
I'm not up for a parody this week, but I promised to write
something....... and I will. Remember when I said I wouldn't write about
wrestling in the early 90s because some of the fans couldn't relate to
it? Well, I lied. This week I'm doing just that to see whether the
response is positive or negative. OK? Good.
I know everybody remembers Hulk Hogan, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, and
the other top stars of the WWF in the early 1990s. Only some of the more
serious fans, however, will remember some of the following............
BASTION BOOGER. If you don't remember him, don't feel bad. I believe
it was in 1993 he made his debut, and it went all downhill from there.
Booger was perhaps the most out-of-shape man (OK, there was also
Yokozuna) to ever grace the squared circle. He wore an outfit that
showed off his ample..... girth, and his finishing move consisting of
standing above his opponent, doing a little dance and dropping down on
them so that his crotch was near the guy's face. On top of that, the
gimmick was supposed to be that the guy never washed, and jobbers would
offer him a stick of deodorant before every match. I'm going out on a
limb here and saying that Bastion Booger was a.......... failure.
THE BERZERKER. Ah, the master of the count-out win. The Berzerker,
managed by Mr. Fuji, was a Viking-like wrestler who wore a horned helmet
to the ring and carried a sword and shield. When the jobber was
significantly weakened, he would be tossed outside the ring and be
counted out. Quite a climatic ending to his matches, is it not?
HIGH ENERGY. This tag team consisted of the late Owen Hart, then known
as the Rocket, and perpetual doormat Koko.B.Ware. The team was kinda
like the Rockers, only: a) they weren't as over and b) they lost even
more than the Rockers did. And the pants...... neon with a checkered
stripe? I mean sure, they paved the wave for Thurman "Sparky" Plugg,
but............
THURMAN "SPARKY" PLUGG You might know him today as Hardcore Holly. At
this time, however, we called him Thurman and he was apparently an
impressive stock car driver. After a short period of time he changed his
name to Bob "Spark Plug" Holly, but he would only come into his own
after adopting the "Hardcore" name.
MAX MOON. Moon, not Mini. Max was supposed to be from another planet,
or at the very least be well prepared to travel to one, because he came
to the ring outfitted in a spacesuit type of thing and came equipped
with........ a jetpack! He would use it to "fly" up the entrance steps,
then he would beat on a jobber while people laughed at his funny outfit.
ALDO MONTOYA, THE PORTUGUESE MAN-O-WAR. Yeah, that was him name. Today
he's enjoying slightly more success in ECW as Justin Credible. He didn't
lack ring skills, it was just hard to take him seriously when he looked
like someone had wrapped him up in red, green and yellow toilet paper.
MAN MOUNTAIN ROCK. I don't remember much about this guy myself, only
that he was big, he loved to play the electric guitar and he may have
set a record for the shortest time ever appearing in a wrestling
organization. I don't even know if he got involved in a single feud.
KAMALA. He was a Ugandan giant, I'm told. This big black dude had to
be taught the ways of civilized humans, first by Kimchee and then by
Reverend Slick, which explains why he had so much trouble actually
beating anybody. I don't know how many damn matches the guy lost by
giving his opponent a splash, and then rolling the guy over so that he
was stomach-down, and then trying to pin him. The ref wouldn't count,
and it confused him, so he got up and asked for an explanation. He would
then always get rolled up into a pin and lose. Arggh.
IRS, OR IRWIN.R.SCYSTER. Mike Rotunda, for those fans keeping track.
The appropriately named IRS was a taxman, and dammit, people were going
to pay those taxes while he was around. He came to the ring carrying a
briefcase, and wearing black pants, a white shirt and a tie. He not only
perfected the awe-inspiring "abdominal stretch while holding the ropes",
but he also managed to always get tossed across the ring by his tie,
prompting Bobby Heenan to gush, "He's got him by the tongue!"
SKINNER. The alligator man. Skinner was from the Everglades, and
wrestled down full grown alligators with ease as a hobby, though he
couldn't win a title in the WWF. He came to the ring with an "alligator
claw", and always chewed tobacco, setting a good example for all those
children watching. He also had the same problem Bastion Booger had, and
opponents often would be hesitant to lock up with him because of the
apparent stench he gave off.
NAILZ. Nailz was an ex-convict, finally out of jail after all these
years. He said that when he was serving time, for a crime he didn't
commit, the Big Boss Man would come into his cell and beat him with his
nightstick again, and again, and again. Finally, when Nailz got out, he
beat the Boss Man up good. After that, I believe, he squashed Virgil,
lost to the Boss Man, and that was the last we ever saw of him again.
THE MODEL RICK MARTEL. Most people have probably heard of Rick Martel,
because The Model lasted well into 1995 and Rick Martel was in action
last year in WCW. When he was known as The Model, he was a bonafide heel
and would carry a spray cannister of "Arrogance" to the ring with him,
which he would use to spray in his opponent's eyes, always causing him
to get disqualified, or sometimes, it would actually get him the win.
LUDVIG BORGA. He played up the "I hate America" angle to the fullest,
and he feuded almost immediately with "The American Original" Lex Luger,
who was having a surge of patriotism at the time. After losing in the
center of the ring to Luger, he left the WWF, having been around less
than a year. His only notable accomplishment was ending the undefeated
streak of Tatanka, who had not lost a match in nearly two years before
that defeat.
MR. HUGHES. Not the Curtis Hughes that accompanies Chris Jericho to
the ring, but MR. Hughes. OK, it's the same guy, but he was a lot
heavier back then and he wore pants and a shirt to the ring, as if he
had just finished a day at the office. I only remember him doing a
couple of things: first, like all big men were required to do, he stole
the Undertaker's urn, fought in the King of the Ring against Mr. Perfect
but got disqualified for using the stolen item, then promptly lost it
back to Taker again. However, those glasses STILL stayed on his face.
BIG MEN DEMOLISHING THE UNDERTAKER AND/OR STEALING SOMETHING IMPORTANT
FROM HIM, ONLY TO BE INEVITABLY DESTROYED BY HIM IN THE FUTURE. Let's
see........ we have Kamala, lost in a casket match, check. Yokozuna,
mauled Taker, lost in a casket match, check. Giant Gonzalez, manhandled
Taker at the Royal Rumble, but ultimately lost to him, check. King Kong
Bundy, stole the urn but got whipped by Taker eventually, ditto for Mr.
Hughes, check. The Berzerker pulverized Taker with piledrivers on the
concrete outside the ring, but eventually felt his wrath, check. And
Kama, who actually melted down the urn into a gold chain, but, alas,
fell in a casket match to, The Undertaker. Any questions?
I wouldn't mind getting some feedback to see if you liked this (hint,
hint), and if it went OK, I might do it again next week. Or I just might
write a parody. Who knows?
Matt "Blackjack" Hayden
freelance
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