|
/wrestling /guests /Hayden |
|
|
/wrestling /guests /Hayden |
| Guest Columns | Matt Hayden |
MainBLAH |
I did not die, lose all interest in wrestling or become very busy for a
couple of weeks. I got lazy, plain and simple. For two weeks I shut my
brain off and just watched and read everything that was going on,
because doing that is fun sometimes. But now I'm back, most likely to
the disappointment of some, and I hope I won't phase out like that
again, at least not for some time. I was thinking of three topics to talk about in this column. Anything about the current state of wrestling would not stand out, because that's what the majority of the columns are talking about these days. I can't say anything about Triple H's push or WCW's plummet that hasn't been said already. So I won't try. Next up would be something about wrestling in the past, or at least as far back as when I first began watching it, which would be the early 90s. I think this might leave a lot of fans in the dark though, because it seems to me that a huge number of wrestling fans only started watching in the last 2 years or later. So that leaves the last option, and the hardest to do......... a parody, or something of the sort. Parodies are the hardest to do because they require you to use your brain the most, at least in my opinion. That's partly why I was putting off doing another column so long. Then I realized I had to, because I'm not very good at opinion columns, and even if I was I'm sure you people don't want another one of those. I'm not much better at parodies either, but it is something I like to do and there aren't a whole lot of them on slash wrestling, so, what the heck. This week, I won't be writing another episode of Nitro's Logical Conclusion...... no, this week we journey to the WWF. There doesn't seem to be a lot to make fun of in the WWF these days, but what if they decided to take their "attitude" to the next level, turning off some fans and outraging critics? Here's how the booking committee might discuss the first Raw of this type......... (Vince Russo, Vince McMahon, Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock are sitting at a table, discussing the booking for tomorrow night's Raw). Russo: Now we want to start with an interview........ how about...... hmm.. Austin: How about me? Russo: PERFECT!!!!!!!! We'll start Raw with you! And you can...... hmm.... Austin: Well....... how about I come out, pose at all the corners, then take the mic and say "ass" a lot? Russo: Yeah, YEAH! That's something new........ but we need something........ something extra..... McMahon: OK, OK, I see what you're getting at. When Steve is finished speaking, Hunter Hearst Helmsley will appear from the crowd with a sledgehammer and hit him in the back of the head with it. But the fans want more....... this will be a REAL sledgehammer..... but we don't want to go the extreme....... Hunter will only swing with about three-quarters of his strength. Austin: Well, Vince, that sounds great on paper, but it seems as if I could spend some time in the hospital......... or a coffin. Russo: Sacrifices have to be made for the company, Steve. If something goes wrong, don't sue, and when you come back, we'll......... give you another title run! Austin: Hmm......... yeah, yeah, that sounds pretty good. Rock: OK, that's great, but where do I come into this? The Rock is the most electrifying... McMahon: Yeah, yeah, sure......... how about...... let's see........ we need to establish the fact that you will do anything to regain the title.......... how about you attack someone..... Russo: How about he saves Austin from HHH? The Rock nails a Rock Bottom, a People's Elbow and then........... pulls out a gun and threatens to shoot him!!!!!!! Austin: Wait just a minute...... we went through all this gun crap before and....... you know.... McMahon (laughing): But Steve, you're being attacked with a sledgehammer, and The Rock is just doing the right thing. Besides, it advances his character, and that's all we need. Austin: True, true. That's settled then. Let's move on. Russo: Right. Now this abuse angle with Chaz and Marianna..... it lacks something. I mean, have we EVER actually witnessed Chaz strike her? No. That has to change. McMahon: Exactly. As Raw opens tomorrow night, we rush to a locker room, where Chaz is hammering on her with a steel pipe...... nice stiff shots. That'll establish him as a heel character. Austin: Sounds good. While we're on that topic, what about Jeff Jarrett? That sonofabitch has been doing stuff to women every week, but he needs....... Russo: You to work with him. An established star to give him a "rub". Austin: Uh............ no. He's not really over and I don't want to hurt my character. You know. McMahon: Of course. He needs to get over as a monster heel some other way. That's it..... Chaz is beating up Marianna. Jarrett appears to come to the rescue, but instead of saving Marianna, he RAPES her! What about that? Rock: Hey, hey, now we're gettin' somewhere! Great thinkin' there. Now The Rock had an idea for big Mark Henry. The man is trying to establish his "Sexual Chocolate" gimmick, right? The Rock thinks, live on Raw, we should have him have sex with three beautiful women...... nothing hidden. McMahon: Hey, shock value, I like that. I'm wondering, though, if we show everything.......... I mean EVERYTHING....... the critics might........ Russo: Hey, we have the disclaimer at the beginning! McMahon: Oh yeah....... right. We'll go with that idea then...... let's move on. Austin: Kane and all that fire. Those Inferno matches are friggin' awful, Vince! What's with this shit, a hand caught on fire, a foot caught on fire? The people want to see the suit burned off, down to the bone. It has to happen sooner or later. Russo: Well, tomorrow night's as good a night as any. Say we have...... The Undertaker..... Rock: Doesn't he have a groin injury? Russo: Yeah, well, they're nothing big. He doesn't wrestle we'll just hit him with a breach of contract lawsuit. Anyway, he'll fight Kane in an Inferno match....... the ending comes when The Big Show comes to the ring with a can of gasoline and two blowtorches, throws one to the Undertaker, and they roast him. They'll love it. Austin: Couldn't Glenn........ die? McMahon: There's always that possibility in everything, Steve. You could die by choking on that gum in your mouth. We all have to take risks. Austin: ......................... McMahon: Moving on..........Mick hasn't been very hardcore, lately, has he? Too nice....... that's not what we're paying him for. Rock: I can help with that. He needs to prove to the fans again why they call him the king of hardcore. If we have a hardcore match, I'll bump him around a bit. I figure I could throw a chainsaw into the mix, and chop off a finger, maybe, then the real killer..... during the match the Hell in the Cell is lowered from the ceiling, and we both climb on top. It then raises up, say, 20 feet, leaving us 35 feet off the floor. I'll back drop Mick off the Cell, and not on the table....... but maybe on the safety railing. He can give his back a nice bump if he catches it flush. Russo: Consider it done. Mick'll earn his paycheque this week! (All laugh hysterically.... then stop). McMahon: Well...... my daughter, Stephanie. Even I must admit she's too...... conservative. I think she needs to develop a Debra like character. First I'll get her some implants, big ones, and then I need to train her to dumb down her vocabulary a little.... right now she talks too intelligently to be effective. Russo: Right, I hear you. We could do what you said, and have her hit on every superstar in the WWF, creating the image that she's a........ you know.... McMahon (laughing): Yeah, I know. Sounds great. And Shane, he need to develop a mean streak, like his old Pop. What if we set up an angle where he brutally murders his own mother? Austin: That would work. You could have footage of the actual murder and everything.... all the details. Rock: Val Venis and the Godfather. The Rock thinks there's potential there. Russo: And you're right. What we'll do is, before every match, a member of the live audience is chosen to REALLY get the hoes for the entire night....... all except one, who'll stay in the ring and strip completely naked. McMahon: Right, and when Val does his routine, he's haul down his pants so we can see the....... goods........ when he's talking about them! Austin: They'll love that. But what about the main event? I'll have to be in it...... Rock: And The Rock. McMahon: Right........ well, how about this. We'll have a title match, falls count anywhere, the usual deal, but both of you have to get completely drunk right before the match! The unpredictability factor will be high, and that's always good! Rock: Sure, but..... is there another reason we're going to be drunk for the match? Russo: Well...... yes. You see, there is no decisive winner. HHH runs in and causes the DQ.......... and gives each of you a very stiff shot in the groin with the aforementioned real sledgehammer. We figure the booze will act as a mild....... anesthetic. Austin: Fine with me as long as you buy the drinks. Rock: Same with The Rock. McMahon: Great, men, I love that spirit. That's Raw, then. See you tomorrow night! And that concludes an attempt at a different type of parody. Please let me know what you think: wrestling_writer_4x@yahoo.com Matt "Blackjack" Hayden freelance Mail the Author Visit my site |
BLAH |
Main |
||