Sorry for the unexplained absence, but the last few weeks have been pretty rough....... I'd rather not get into it because I'm far from recovered. Nevertheless, I continue on with some WCW mocking, in the form of, obviously, a booking session for that king of all Monday night wrestling shows, Nitro.

(Seated around a table in Atlanta are Hulk Hogan, Jeff Jarrett, Sting, Ed Ferrera and Kevin Nash.)

Ferrera: Hmm............ 6.2 to 2.5. But like we said before, ratings don't matter anymore. If we do things the right way, the ethical way, then things will work out eventually.

Jarrett: I can still say "slapnuts", right?

Ferrera: Oh, by all means........ but it'll be bleeped out, that's all.

Jarrett: .................

Ferrera: I like the progress we made last week.

Nash: You mean by developing storylines and delivering solid matches?

Ferrera: No, I mean that we managed to distort every sign that said anything remotely offensive on it. Along with that, we even managed to tone down every "You suck" chant. Parents will love it.

Sting: You're also killing people's heat, like Lex. Everybody in the arena hates him, but nobody at home knows that.

Ferrera: If we do things the right way, things will take care of themselves.

Sting: Well....... what about my alliance with Vampiro? Where's that going?

Ferrera: Ah, glad you asked. You and Vampiro will team up in several matches. Each time Vampiro gets pinned cleanly. This eventually starts to piss you off, and you two fight. You beat Vampiro cleanly to end the feud.

Sting: Sounds great for me, but what about Vamp? It doesn't seem like it does much for him.

Ferrera: Uh...... sure it does. It gives him...... the.... uh..... rub.

Hogan: Yeah, that's great, but what about me? I got pinned last week by Sid. I hope that doesn't go unnoticed.

Ferrera: Of course not, Hulk. What do you have in mind?

Hogan: I'm not very demanding. I just think the World Title would be appropriate.

Ferrera: Actually, I was thinking of a high-profile feud with Sid. You'd nearly beat him, but Jarrett would come down and screw you out of the title. You three would then have a three-way match to decide the champ. You might even have a chance to win the -

Hogan: No, no, Ed, cut the crap. I want the title tonight, on Nitro. No Jarrett. A clean win.

Ferrera: But, Hulk, we can't just forget about Jeff. He was feuding with Sid for months. He still has issues with him.

Hogan: I guess............ OK, how about this. I'll be beating Sid, and then Jeff comes down to interfere. I'll kick the crap out of him, and then I go back and finish off Sid for the title. That way Jeff gets involved, and I get the title. Everyone's happy.

Ferrera: Well....... that's not exactly the way we planned it. That doesn't do much for Jeff if -

Hogan: Hey, Ed...... he'll get the "rub".

Ferrera: That's not -

Jarrett: You're talking about me as if I'm not here. Stop it.

Hogan: Anyway, like I was saying, Jeff will get the "rub" and we're all happy.

Jarrett: .....................

Nash: I think I should be in the World Title picture too.

Ferrera: You haven't wrestled in a month.

Nash: The fans never forget me. I've left my mark.

Ferrera: But you can't even wrestle now.

Nash: Hey, hey, I'll be back in action in just a few months. Just because I can't walk doesn't mean I can't win the title.

Ferrera: ....................?

Nash: Listen. Someone else can run in and do most of the dirty work behind the referee's back. I'll crawl over and get the pin. People will see me as the underdog champ and I'll enjoy a nice, long reign, overcoming impossible odds every time.

Ferrera: The underdog role seems to work better with people who aren't seven feet tall and notoriously lazy workers.

Nash: What are you trying to say?

Ferrera: Nothing.

Nash: OK.

Sting: Hang on, guys. Don't you think the Stinger should fit into this somewhere?

Ferrera: You're with Vampiro, remember?

Sting: I know, but.........how about I just squash him tonight........ we'll forget about teaming up?

Ferrera: Well........ sure. That could work.

Sting: So then I'm in the World Title picture.

Ferrera: Yep. You, Hogan, Jarrett and Nash can have a Four Corners match for the belt.

Hogan: But who *wins*?

Ferrera: ........................

Hogan: I think I've proven time and time again that I am the medicine that this sick company needs.

Ferrera: Maybe you're right. Maybe we -

(The door is opened and Scott Steiner walks in.)

Steiner: Hey, I heard you guys were booking Nitro. I guess you decided that Hogan gets the belt?

Ferrera: Well....... yeah. How'd you guess?

Steiner: Hogan is a stupid motherf*cker. Why the f*ck would anybody in their right mind give him the f*cking belt? Him and f*cking Flair, two f*cking fifty-year old goats, still running around. It f*cking pisses me of so f*cking much! Why the f*ck don't you guys retire? You're f*cking useless now. Nobody wants to f*cking see you. Go to f*cking hell, Hogan.

Hogan: Excuse me?

Steiner: Oh, you didn't hear me? I said -

Ferrera: No, no, Scotty, he heard you.

Steiner: That's why we're gettin' f*cking killed in the f*cking ratings! That old f*cking bastard thinks he's f*cking drawing but he's really doing f*cking shit-all!

(Sting and Jarrett get up and physically restrain Steiner, who begins to advance towards Hogan).

Ferrera: That's it, Scotty. Just calm down...........

(They drag Steiner out of the office and slam the door).

Hogan: That's why we're gettin' killed in the ratings. Guys like Scotty there want all the glory for themselves. He gets jealous when somebody can draw more than he can, so he starts to badmouth him. Guys like him are too concerned about themselves rather than the good of the company. It's disgusting.

Ferrera: I agree, Hulk. I agree completely.

Hogan: So I still get the belt tonight, right, Ed?

Ferrera: Yeah, sure. Thanks for being a real team player, Hulk.

Hogan: Don't mention it, Ed, don't mention it.

Sorry if this week's column isn't very good. Next week's will be better.