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Matt Hayden

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BOOKING GOD VS. SATAN

Ok.................. this week my column could stir up a little controversy. I read Chris Hyatte's contribution a few weeks back that put God and Satan in WWF storylines, and I personally thought it was really good. So, the best way to sum up what I'm doing this week is to say that I'm pretending I'm CRZ recapping a match between God and Satan. Did I steal the basic idea from Hyatte? Yes. Please, nobody mail me saying, "You just copied Hyatte's idea", because yes, if he hadn't have written that piece, I wouldn't have written this one. I'm not trying to leech off his ideas, I'm just using these two particular characters because after reading his contribution I thought it would be a good subject for a match recap. The *next* item I'd like to address is the role of God and Satan in this match. I thought I could make it a little more humorous if I made *God* the heel and *Satan* the face........ so I did. PLEASE, don't mail me condemning me for bashing religion, I go to church every week and I mean nothing offensive by anything I say in this column. Please treat it like any other column I've written....... I'm trying to be funny, and although I fail in that respect more often than not, I'm *not* trying to piss anybody off. A final note: I ordered the Royal Rumble, mostly because the card looked awesome, but, like most other 16 year old males, I was interested in the swimsuit competition as well. Mae Young's "surprise" was a cruel blow to me....... damn you, WWF. On top of that, my *mother* happened to be walking through the room at the time. She glanced at the screen and saw the "Censored" sign, so stopped for a moment to see what was up. The next image on the screen was Young in all her glory. To sum it up, last night I became emotionally scarred for life (OK, for a long time, at least), *and* my mother will wonder forevermore what me and my friends are *really* watching when I invite them up to watch PPV.

Let Us Take You Back To Last Week, where we see God challenge Satan to a no-holds-barred match this week. Satan accepts and here we are.

Satan is backstage and is......... WALKING!!!!!!!

God is also backstage but he's............ LEVITATING!!!!!!!!!!

We see the ratings box in the corner as we're set for GOD VS. SATAN (WITH HORNS) IN A NO HOLDS BARRED STREET FIGHT.

Referee is "Blind" Teddy Long. God and Satan are face to face, God throws powder in the eyes and we're underway. Punch, punch, punch, Irish whip by God. Clothesline is ducked, flying jalapeno by Satan and God rolls under the bottom rope to the outside to take a breather. Plancha from Satan finds the mark and now God meets the STEEL steps. God's crawling away, Satan picks him up but God's trick knee acts up and catches Satan good - he drops to his knees. God stomping away, now rolling Satan back into the ring. 1, 2, no. Back rake. Short-arm clothesline by God misses and Satan with a flurry of punches, but a thumb to the eye breaks that up. God with Satan back in the corner. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, and Satan is down. God choking him out with his boot as an "asshole" chant starts up, and God flashes the middle-finger salute to let them know he doesn't appreciate it. Now picking Satan up, Irish whip into the opposite corner, God charging in but eats a boot. Bulldog from Satan off the second rope! 1, 2, no. God staggers up and misses a wild punch and a backslide from Satan gets another two. God whipped into the ropes, ducks a Satan clothesline, and chop blocks the knee. God is up and stomping away. The crowd's really on him now. Scoop and a slam......... FLOURISHED LEGDROP! God jumps out of the ring and borrows the King's headset to say something that gets muted. Now he's looking under the ring. He's got a table! God setting up the table at ringside as chants of "ECW" break out. God turns around but is met with a missile dropkick off the top rope to the outside from Satan. Satan kicks, but it's caught by God........ ENZUIGIRI!! Satan picks him up and puts him on the table - now up on the apron. Satan to the top - CORKSCREW MOONSAULT THROUGH THE TABLE!!!!!! Holy shit!!!! Satan appears to have this one well in hand but now it's PETER, MARK AND JOHN out to lend a hand. Satan tries to fend them off but they're three and he's one. All three stomping away on a prone Satan, now God is up and he joins in the attack. Satan rolled into the ring - God, Peter and Mark climb in as John gets a chair. John in the ring, lays it down - God with a FameAsser on the chair to Satan! Crowd is chanting "Rock-E" but it ain't workin'. Looks like this one is just about over - but some music hits! It's - JUDAS! God with a priceless look on his face as Judas walks calmly to ringside, then dives under the bottom rope. Peter, Mark and John foolishly attack black ninja style and are quickly disposed of. God offers a handshake - kick in the guts to Judas! Judas whipped into the ropes, God puts his head down - swinging neck breaker! Judas picks him up - gut wrench suplex! Judas off the ropes and there's the wobbly kneedrop. Judas signaling for his finisher - there it is, guillotine legdrop! Judas decides to let Satan take over and rolls to the outside and makes his way out through the crowd to a thunderous pop. Satan getting to his feet - he looks over and sees God laid out. Limps over - cover -1, 2, no!!! God gets the shoulder up. JR: "No human being could kick out of that!" Satan picks God up, snap suplex, elbow off the second rope. Picks him up and nails a Russian leg sweep and then a backbreaker. God's in a world of hurt. Scoop and a slam, Satan to the top - senton bomb!!! Now Satan trying to lock on a Sharpshooter - got it! God flailing his arms and catches "Blind" Teddy Long in the shin - Long's out. God tapping out now, but there's no ref. But wait, it's............. JOSEPH!!!!!!!!!!!! Joseph's in a referee's shirt and he's in the ring - face to face with Satan, who's still got the Sharpshooter locked in - GREEN MIST TO THE EYES!!!!!!! Satan is disoriented but still has a weak Sharpshooter on, but now God reverses - Joseph immediately calls for the bell!!!! (15:54) JOSEPH HAS SCREWED SATAN!!!!!! Garbage begins to litter the ring as JR swears. Satan with a stunned look on his face as God is helped up by Joseph. Now it's HHH, X-PAC AND THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS to the ring!!!!!! DX shirt for Joseph, one for God - looks like there's two new members of DX!!!! Well, that was a surprise. Six on one beatdown commences on Satan and JR tells us to tune in next week, and we're out. Not bad - God is really coming into his own as a credible heel and joining DX will only strengthen his position. Next week's show should be interesting. See you then!

Matt "Blackjack" Hayden
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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission