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Matt Hayden

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BOOKING RAW - WITH HOGAN

I think it's only fitting that Hulk Hogan deserves the first column of the new millennium. After all, he makes for such an easy column that he makes my life a whole lot easier. Suppose Hogan has just signed with the WWF. Those booking meetings would probably become awfully interesting.......... probably even good material for a humorous column. This might be an example of how one such meeting would go.

(Seated at a large table at WWF headquarters are Vince McMahon, The Rock, Triple H and Hulk Hogan.)

Vince: I'd like to begin this meeting by welcoming Hulk Hogan back to the WWF. I know it's been a long time, but I'm sure Hulk'll fit right back into our gameplan.

Hogan: Yeah, brother, that's right. It's great to be here.

Vince: Right. Now, we all know the Royal Rumble is right around the corner. The first event of the new millennium. It *has* to be big. We have to show everybody that the WWF is *the* company of the 21st century. Any ideas of something special we can do?

Hogan: Actually, brother, I have an idea. Maybe I can be the first man to win both the Royal Rumble match itself, and also the World Title in a different match in the same night.

HHH: Hey, old man, hold it right there. You see, I'm wrestling Mick Foley in a title match at the Royal Rumble.

Rock: And the Rock is gonna win the Rumble itself, because he's getting the title shot at Wrestlemania. After all, the Rock is the future of this company.

Hogan: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's get a few things straight here, brothers. Hunter, you can wrestle Mick for the title. What we'll do is, whoever wins that match, I'll challenge them immediately afterwards and squash them for the belt. Right, Vince?

Vince: Uh......... well........

Hogan: And Rock, you can't win the Rumble, but I'll let you be the last guy thrown out. I'll even let you give me that elbow that you do that everybody loves........ but I can't sell it, it could hurt my reputation.

Rock: Wait just a minute. The Rock, as he said, is the future of this company. If the Rock gave you the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today, in front of the millions and millions of the Rock's fans, and you, the oldest man in the company, did not sell it, how do you think that would make the Rock look?

Hogan: That's just your problem, brother, always thinking of yourself. For once in your life, maybe you could actually think about putting someone else over for a change.

HHH: Y'know, Hulk, I don't think having you as champ would be good for this company at all. You're too old, and you don't do anything that the crowd pops for.

Hogan: Are you crazy, brother? I've got the legdrop, which I think is, to steal a phrase from our other brother here, an electrifying move, I've got the ability to hulk up, and best of all, I've got the best catchphrase in wrestling history: Whatcha gonna do, when the largest arms in the world and Hulkamania RUN-WILD-ON-YOU???????????

Vince: Well........... speaking of that, Hulk, we were thinking of...... repackaging you, to a degree. We think the fans still love you....... just not as the all-American hero. We'll ditch the red and yellow, the catchphrase, the flag-waving. We'll go for something new. How would you like to become the new leader of DX?

Hogan: You know, brother, that sounds OK, but I have certain conditions that have to be met. I'll have to win the Rumble and the title, like I mentioned. The entire group needs to turn on me, but I get the last laugh by squashing them in a handicap match at a later PPV. I also want my title reign to last at least 20 months, and when I lose the belt it has to be because of a crooked referee, and interference from six guys, and the belt has to be vacated and I'll win it back in the tournament that results from it. OK?

Vince: Hmm......... those demands are a little high........ you see, we're planning to push the Rock...... we feel he probably has more years left in him than you, Hulk.

Hogan: I disagree, brother. The Rock is a pretty good wrestler, but as for longevity, I can't be touched. I haven't slowed down through all the years I've wrestled.

HHH: Yeah, but look at your ring style. You're slow anyway. Lockup, shoulderblock, back rake, punches, big boot, legdrop, with lots of rest spots thrown in.

Hogan: It takes a lot more outta ya than you'd think, brother. Plus, everything I do is full of energy and charisma.

Rock: When people think of charisma, they think of the Rock. The Rock is the most charismatic man in sports entertainment history. You, Hulk Hogan, were charismatic...... in the 80s. People don't like you now. They don't care about you anymore.

Hogan: Hey, listen, brother. As long as there's life on this planet, people everywhere will have a little bit of Hulkamania in them. Because of my words, everyone on the entire planet trains, says their prayers, eats their vitamins and believes in themselves. What have you done that's had that kind of effect on people?

Rock: By simply raising his eyebrow, the Rock can get millions and millions of fans to chant his name.

Hogan: So? They're probably chanting your name in mockery. Fans do that sometimes, you know.

Vince: Let's change the subject a little, shall we? Hulk, who do you want to feud with first?

Hogan: I was thinking of the Boss Man. If you elevate him to main event status, we can work that magic again. When we feuded ten years ago, we had captured the attention of the world. The ratings will go through the roof.

Vince: Well, Hulk, the Boss Man is not as popular as he used to be. It probably wouldn't be a good move.

HHH: Yeah, everybody would stop watching the WWF until you left.

(HHH and the Rock snicker.)

Hogan: Oh, so when was the last good feud you had? Rock, your feud with Steve Austin, you call that a good feud? I could have a better feud with my grandmother. You guys don't even know what the fans want. That's why they're so tired of you.

HHH: Why don't you feud with me, Hulk? I hope you don't mind if I work a little stiff. Of course, for *you*, I'd ease up. I'd never want to do anything to upset you or anything.

Hogan: Sorry, brother, I like to stay away from the stiff workers. My body is too valuable to put on the line like that. I've got to protect it. That's why I like to stay away from anything more dangerous than a chinlock. A couple of times in WCW, they actually made me take a chair shot. Luckily, I talked with the guy hitting me before the show and got him to take it easy on me.

Vince: So much for the idea of having a hardcore match with Mick Foley...........

Hogan: Hey, no, I can still do that, brother. It's just that our hardcore match would be paced a little differently than a normal match like this. We just won't use any weapons or leave the ring. I'll finish him with my big boot and legdrop. The fans will go wild.

HHH: Mick's given more to this business than you ever will, Hogan. You don't deserve to be put over clean by him.

Hogan: Hey, don't get me started. Year after year, I beat challenger after challenger defending my title. Sometimes I'd wrestle a dozen times, maybe more in a single year.

Vince: So, Hulk, what will we get you to say to introduce yourself this Monday on Raw?

Hogan: Raw? Hey, brother, I only work the PPVs.

Vince: But........ that doesn't really work anymore.

Hogan: Sure it does, just let me explain. The longer I stay off TV, the more the fans want to see me. If they go a whole month without seeing me, everyone will buy the PPV.

Vince: I don't know, Hulk......... it could backfire. People could get pissed off and feel like their intelligence is being insulted.

Hogan: Not with the big payoff.......... seeing me squash my opponent at the PPV.

HHH: We don't need you here, Hulk. We're doing fine without you.

Rock: The Rock says to get your rooty-poo candy ass back to WCW!

(The Rock and HHH get up and leave.)

Vince: Uh...... Hulk, I'm sorry. I'm afraid we might have to let you go, not because you wouldn't be a big draw, but because there may be problems in the locker room. We can't have that.

Hogan: Hey, brother, no problem. I feel sorry for ya, Vince. You realize that I'd be the biggest ratings booster in WWF history, but you're stuck with two no-talent, uncharismatic morons who would insist of causing disruptions in the back. I understand. Besides, I'm in the process of making a movie now. It's a sequel to Suburban Commando.

Vince: What's it called?

Hogan: We discussed it, and decided on "Suburban Commando 2".

Vince: Nice.

Hogan: Yeah. I get to be the hero again, but I'm not playing that guy Shep again. They've created a new character for me that has an ego problem. He practically thinks he's God. He thinks the entire world should bow down before him. The best part is, he doesn't even realize everyone thinks he's a self-centered asshole. (Laughs) That's the funny thing about movies. They can portray someone as a character that's the complete opposite of what they're really like. Anyway, I gotta go. Talk to you later, Vince.

Vince: Yeah, see ya, Hulk.

Matt "Blackjack" Hayden
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