For the second week in a row, the parody is centered around WCW and Nitro. That may have been the shortest intro ever written................but here's the parody.

(Seated at a table somewhere in Atlanta are Vince Russo, Ed Ferrera, Bret Hart, Goldberg and Hulk Hogan. They are discussing booking plans for Nitro that night.)

Russo: Ratings........... let's see, we lost 5.5 to 3.3. That's closer than it's been in a while.

Ferrera: Yeah, you're right. We need to put something on tonight that will push us over the top. Now that we have people's attention, we have to interest them for the long term.

Hogan: You could give me the belt tonight. I could beat Bret in the main event. It could be symbolic of me leading WCW into the new millennium.

Russo: Well....... that *is* an interesting idea....... but how about we try something else?

Hogan: Involving me?

Russo: Probably...... but we'll just leave you for a minute.

Ferrera: People love celebrities. Arnold was on Smackdown a few weeks ago and the crowd loved it. If we could get someone like that, we'll pull a lot closer in the ratings.

Russo: I think we should try to get at least a half dozen celebrities....... you can never have too many.

Ferrera: But...... the money, Vince, the money. I know we have limitless funds, but don't you think spending that much money on celebrities could be viewed as wasteful?

Russo: Hmm....... we'll just fire all the luchadores and use the money from their salary to pay for it.

Ferrera: But the combined salary of every luchadore in the company is $63 000.

Russo: Yeah............. well, we'll have to be viewed as wasteful. We'll spend what we have to spend to get the big names.

Ferrera: So the luchadores stay put?

Russo: No, we'll still let them go............ or better yet, we'll book them in a 9 on 1 handicap match against Dr. Death and they'll get squashed........ *then* we let them go.

Goldberg: Celebrities? We have a lot of good wrestlers here, guys. Why don't we just use guys like Bret and Benoit and myself?

Russo: People don't want to see wrestling, Bill. If they *do* have to see wrestling, they want it to be two non-wrestlers fighting. That's the way it is today.

Goldberg: .................................

Hart: So who do I defend my title against? I'm a fighting champion, you know. When I was in the WWF, I defended that belt every night when I had it. You'd think that Vince would have respected all I had done for him, but instead he screwed me. Did I ever tell you guys about that?

Russo: The story is known worldwide.

Hart: You might have forgotten about it. It was over two years ago. Two years ago this month, in fact. At the Survivor Series, I was fighting Shawn Michaels, and Vince had told me -

Ferrera: We know, Bret. The whole thing.

Hart: Everything?

Russo: Yeah.

Hart: You don't want to hear it again, because -

Russo: No.

Hart: ............................... anyway, about Nitro. Who do I defend the title against?

Hogan: Me? I could win the belt and lead WCW into the new millennium.

Russo: No, no, no. We've been through this already, Hulk, just five minutes ago. We'll try something else with you.

Hogan: Like what?

Russo: You'll be working a program with Duggan.

Hogan: Duggan? Hacksaw, you mean? How does this help me get the World Title?

Ferrera: Uh........ well, you probably can't see how this will help you right now, but down the road, this feud will be the one that catapulted you to prominence once again.

Hogan: Oh. So I'll get to be the champ again?

Russo: Yeah..... sometime. But that still doesn't help us for Nitro tonight. Who's free tonight? We need someone famous, *quick*.

Ferrera (flipping through a rolodex): Uh......... well, let's see......... Dominik Hasek, Buffalo Sabres goaltender................ Oprah........................ and Bill Clinton may be available depending on the incentives offered.

Russo: Hmm.......... let's get 'em all.

Goldberg: All? We don't need those people. What could Oprah do for us?

Russo: Oprah could be involved in an angle with the Nitro Girls........ either that, or we could put her in an inter gender match with Dean Malenko.

Ferrera: How about this. Oprah could be built up as a heel. First, we'll give her the stick and she'll say that when she made that comment about beef, it was purposely to ruin all the farmers. Then she can say that when she has all those shows about poor children with no families or people who can't kick an addiction, the tears are fake. She's really happy inside. Then she can say that she hopes someone close to everyone in the audience dies. Instant heel.

Goldberg: Aw, that's just cheap heat. Plus, what could we use her for anyway? I'm telling you, we're just wasting money.

Ferrera: But wait, *here's* where it gets interesting. Oprah goes on to admit she drove the Hummer. Perfect set-up for a feud with Kevin.

Hart: Oprah? Feuding with Nash?

Russo: Yeah, it could work. She just needs a little training.

Goldberg: But why would you do this?

Russo: Because she's a celebrity.

Goldberg: Oh.

Hogan: So what're ya gonna do with that hockey player?

Russo: Yeah, who was he?

Ferrera: Uh...... Dominik Hasek.......... goaltender for the Buffalo Sabres.

Russo: He's not famous. I've never heard of him.

Hogan: Me neither.

Goldberg: Same here.

Hart: What do you mean? He's the best goaltender in the NHL today! Fans will love him.

Goldberg: NHL?

Russo: Never mind............... what's the story on him Ed?

Ferrera: Apparently he's nursing a torn groin muscle. He can't participate in any physical activity for a while.

Russo: No problem. We'll have him do commentary. When Sid faces Rick Steiner, Dominik will run in and give Sid a gut wrench powerbomb, followed by a guillotine legdrop off the top rope. Then we have another feud to work with.

Hart: Uh........ gut wrench powerbomb........... Dominik is only 5'11, 165 pounds. That might be a little tough for him.

Ferrera: I'm sure Dominik will be willing to do whatever it takes to get over.

Goldberg: I still think this is bullshit. What about Clinton?

Russo: Clinton.............. there are so many possibilities.

Ferrera: I've got it. Suppose we add a new Nitro girl named Monica. Bill hears about it and checks it out. Turns out he like her. One thing leads to another, and the next thing you know she's pregnant. But Bill denies it. He blames it on............. uh.......... Goldberg.

Goldberg: Hey, I don't want to have anything to do with this. I am a role model for kids today. Every angle I've been involved in so far has been clean. I'm prominent in the media. They'd have a field day with this if I did it.

Ferrera: But you didn't really do it. It's revealed later that Clinton lied, and he did get her pregnant. He's forced to apologize to all the other wrestlers and fans around the world. Then it's suggested that he be stripped of his US Title. Some people will argue that it was his own business, but others will say he lied and should be punished.

Goldberg: Why would I even be in this angle at all?

Ferrera: That's the beauty of it. You stick up for Clinton. You'll tell a story about an experience you had a couple of years ago when you first came into WCW. You fall for a cheerleader, and all of a sudden she's pregnant. You say that it didn't stop you, you even became the World Champion. Clinton wins the respect of the fans. It's genius.

Goldberg: It could also ruin my reputation. People will always be wondering if that ridiculous story is true or not.

Russo: Bill, those are the risks you have to take in this business. You won't lose money or your push, just your reputation. It's basically a win-win situation.

Goldberg: ......................I'll trust you on this one. Fine then. I'll do it. But if it backfires, I'll quit. I might even go to the WWF.

Russo: Oh, that's the smut organization. You wouldn't do that.

Goldberg: Hmm...... no, I wouldn't. I'd get back into football.

Russo: Into the world where they beat their girlfriends and take steroids, huh?

Goldberg: Hmm....... no, I wouldn't. I guess I'd stay here, but I wouldn't be very happy about it.

Russo: That's better. So we know what's goin' on tonight, see you guys later.

Hart: Wait, you *still* didn't tell me who I'm defending the belt against. Benoit? Malenko? Saturn, maybe? What about Booker T?

Russo: Bret, let's see...................... Johnny Boone is getting ready for a feud with Evan Karagias. He needs a push.

Hart: Who?

Russo: He's a referee-turned-wrestler. He was beaten by Evan a few weeks ago, but that was because Medusa distracted him. He didn't lose face. How about he beats you by........ DQ?

Hart: A referee is not beatin' me in any way, not even DQ.

Russo: No? Well, maybe next week. The only thing I can think of is............. another 30 minute match with Benoit? Can you handle that?

Hart: Sure, I *love* those.

Russo: OK, great. At the 30 minute mark, Kevin Nash runs in and powerbombs both of you. That way you guys can fight again some other time.

Hart: A 30 minute match ending in a no-contest? I don't know.........

Ferrera: Sports entertainment, Bret, right? Trust us.

Russo: Anyway, guys, we're busy. Thanks for coming. I hope you're all happy about tonight.

Goldberg: (grumbles and leaves)

Hogan: As long as this program with Duggan leads me to the World Title, then I'm happy, brother.

Russo: Ed, let's phone these celebs now, tell them they got a job for tonight.

Ferrera: Sure thing. Clinton says he wants a box of cigars.

Russo: Cigars? Uh, yeah, sure. Give him what he wants.

Ferrera: He also wants to see the Nitro Girls in the back after the show.

Russo: Whatever. I don't care.

Ferrera: I think that's it then. We're all set.

Russo: Good. Now let's start on Thunder. You know, I'm glad we left the WWF, Ed. That schedule was startin' to get to me.

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