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/wrestling /guests /Hayden |
| Guest Columns | Matt Hayden |
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I was thinking.............. I might not be able to think of any more
wrestlers to put in a nostalgia column, but why not use the wrestlers I
named in a parody? I knew *somehow* I could drag this out a bit longer.
Anyway, the deal here is, several wrestlers from the late
80s/early 90s have been resigned by the WWF, but they haven't been
following wrestling of late, so they don't really know what to expect.
Before I move onto that, a thought: when X-Pac told Tori that Kane's
face wasn't the only thing burned in the fire, how did *he* know? Either
Kane told him (Kane, with slow, monotonous voice: "X-Pac, I have
something to tell you.....") *or*................ never mind. (The setting is a large table, WWF headquarters. Seated are Vince McMahon, Pat Patterson, Stone Cold Steve Austin, HHH, Bad News Brown, Hercules, and The Warlord. They are discussing next Monday's Raw.) Vince: First of all gentlemen, welcome back. The WWF hasn't been the same without you. (Hercules, Bad News and Warlord acknowledge Vince.) Vince: Next Monday's Raw is our most important matter right now. I think, obviously, we'll start by bringing Steve out for some mic time, and then - Bad News: Hey, hey, hey, Vince. "Mic time?" You don't mean, like, an interview? I can tell you right now that shit like that will *not* get you ratings and - Rock: Wait just a minute. The Rock thinks that you've spent too much time away from wrestling, and now - Hercules: Hold on - who's the Rock, and why do you have to speak for him? Why can't he do it himself? Rock: You are looking at The Rock, jabroni. Hercules: So...... *you* are The Rock? But you just referred to yourself in the third person. And what's that about pepperoni? Vince: Hold on, fellas, this is not going to work unless we admit that we have our differences. Just think of everyone here as a fellow *wrestler*...... and we'll all be OK. Patterson: That's right, Vince. Now after Steve speaks, HHH attacks with a chair. Ever since DX reformed - Warlord: A chair attack......... that's a suspension, right? The guy misses two, three months? Vince: Well.......no. It earns him the right to wrestle in the main event later in the show. Warlord: Actually that wouldn't be right. See, if he hits him with a chair, he should at least be - Austin: Jesus Christ, son, we're in the sports entertainment business now. On top of that, why are you tryin' to look just like me? If you're playing that game, you belong in WCW, boy. Warlord: Actually, I've dressed like this in the ring for ten years, so - Vince: Stop it, just stop it. What did I say two minutes ago? HHH: Vince, look at these guys. They're pathetic. Booking a show with them will be impossible. To establish myself as The Game, put me over all three over them in a handicap - Hercules (holding back a laugh): The Game? Is that what you call yourself? So, what, is it Triple "The Game" H? Triple H........... you sound like a scratch'n'win ticket or something. (Hercules, Warlord and Bad News crack up.) HHH: Oh, so, Hercules, that's the type of name a guy's supposed to have? Hercules: Of course, the fans eat it up. With names like Hercules and Warlord, it creates the appearance of invincibility.......... people will think we can't be beaten. With my chain, I look just like - Vince: Glad you brought that up, Herc. That chain will definitely help you fit into today's WWF. What you'll do is attack, say, Test with the chain, whipping him, choking - Hercules: Wait just a minute. I don't *hit* people with the chain......... I just swing it over my head to scare them out of the ring. Bad News: If he actually used it as a weapon, what message would that be sending to the children? Rock (mumbling): Now's not a good time to tell them about the Terri angle......... Warlord: What? Terri? Do you mean Taylor? The Rooster is here too? Where? I still have to ask him why he wouldn't put me over during that house show in '88 and - Vince: No, no, no. Terri Runnels, as in one of the lovely women we have here in the WWF. Bad News: Where's Sapphire? Vince: Sapphire? Well, she.......uh.......... pursued other interests. Hercules: Damn, that girl was *hot*. What's this Terri look like? HHH: Let me tell you, when she walks down that aisle in that tight top - Warlord: Tight top? You don't mean........ you can't see her.......... HHH: Of course you can. She loves to show off her assets. Hercules: But..... the kids........ I mean....... Austin: They love it. As for me, well, we all know I have Debra, and if I do say so myself, she's - Bad News: Conservative? Austin: No. She's got the nicest puppies I've ever seen. Warlord: You're fond of those too, huh? I don't know if you could really call me a puppy *lover*, I mean, I usually just use them for hunting. I mean, when you get a good hunting dog, I mean a *good* one, you can hunt anything you want. Last year, though, one of them dogs of mine, Max, he got hit by a car. Three days, in the animal hospital. We had to pull the plug. After that I really didn't want another one, but you know how they say time heals all wounds? Well, it's true. I even got another one that looks just like Max, but I didn't call him Max, that wouldn't be right. I guess you could say that I'm more of a dog than a puppy lover, because the little ones piss on the carpet and they're so stubborn, and - HHH: He's talking about her breasts. Warlord: ......................... Hercules: Breasts? Why did you call them puppies? And why are we talking about breasts at all? WHY WOULD WE BE PUTTING A WOMAN'S APPEARANCE ABOVE HER INTELLIGENCE AND COMPASSION???? Austin: Let's take those questions one at a time, son. Yes, breasts. I called them puppies because when they are naked that's what they look like if you use your imagination. We are talking about breasts because they draw huge ratings. We would be putting a woman's appearance above her intelligence and compassion because nobody gives a fuck about the last two. Hercules: Oh. Vince: Let's just (enters growl mode) book the damn show. Bad News: My idea is to begin with a 20 minute match, to get the fans into it. Say me and Herc. I'll shove the ref and get disqualified, and we can have another match next week. The Big Boss Man could be the referee and make sure law and order is enforced. Patterson: Uh........ that's wouldn't work. The Boss Man is a heel now, and we're really doing well with his angle with The Big Show. He can only be so bad as a referee. It would be hard to advance the angle that way. Warlord: Exactly what is his angle? Rock: He's feuding with The Big Show, so the deal is that Show's father has cancer, and Boss Man makes fun of him. The best part was when he lied and said that The Big Show's father had died, and he really didn't, and then when he smashed the family heirloom with a hammer. Bad News: And the man wasn't fired? Vince: We....uh...... *told* him to do it. Bad News: God, what's wrong with you? I mean........ this.......... junk......... Hercules: I'm just as disgusted as you, Bad News. But let's try to move on. What do you have in store for us, Vince? Be straight with us. Vince: You'll love it. For Warlord....... it's perfect. You want to be just like Austin. You dress like him. You shave your head. You have a "no BS" attitude. That doesn't work. You can't get Austin's attention. What do you do? You *sexually molest his wife*. Kicks off a great angle. Warlord: Sexually molest......... oh, for the love of.......... *fuck you*, and you, and you, and you. I'm leaving. (Warlord gets up and leaves). Vince: We'll scrap that angle for now. Bad News.......... you're a black man. How would you feel about playing the race card? Bad News: I don't know, man, I didn't have to do anything like that then and I sure as hell don't want - Vince: It'll be perfect. We plant a couple of wrestlers in the crowd as KKK members, and when you walk down the aisle, they - Bad News: Hey, no, no, NO. Suggest *one* more thing. If it's as twisted as what you just said, I'm outta here. Vince: Fine, fine, we won't play the race card. The Rock will just go off on you with his usual shtick. Bad News: Which is? Rock: The Rock says, you can just take your 80s morals, turn those sumbitches sideways, shine 'em up real nice, and STICKTHEMSTRAIGHTUPYOURCANDYASS!!!!!!!!! Bad News: So you want to put me in an angle involving anal sex? Screw this. (Bad News gets up and leaves). Vince: OK........ Herc, you still with us buddy? Hercules: I don't know...... what do you want *me* to do? I don't have to hit anyone with my chain, do I? Vince (laughing): No, no, of course not. Hercules (laughing): Yeah, I knew that was a little too - HHH: What about the drunk angle? Vince: No, that's been used before. HHH: Drugs? Vince: Yeah, sure, drugs. Hercules: Drugs? Wait a minute.......... do you mean I'd be the guy that goes around catching people doing drugs, and I'd challenge them to a match for setting a bad example for the kids, and I'd beat them cleanly in the middle of the ring, and then crush the drugs in my hand, and then give a thumbs up to the crowd, and then shake hands with the kids on my way back to the locker room? Vince: Not exactly....... I was thinking you'd be the drug addict who peddles drugs to the other wrestlers, and then you try to get little kids hooked. *Then* a wrestler challenges *you* to a match. It works perfectly, because we'll say that you got the body you have through steroids, and - (Hercules has left the room). HHH: About fucking time. *Now* can we book Raw? Vince: Yeah. Austin comes out for an interview, gets attacked by HHH, sets up a main event later in the show, then Rock can have 40 minutes on the mic and gets interrupted by Jesse Jammes, who gets 20 minutes himself, then we'll have a couple of matches containing some combination of Hardys/Hollys/Edge/Christian/Too Cool/Headbangers/Dudley Boyz/Test/Bulldog followed by the main event, which will go, oh, six minutes before DX runs in and each receive Stunners as Steve toasts the crowd as we fade out. HHH: Sounds great. Austin: Ingenious. Rock: Nice booking. Patterson: (pats Vince on the back and begins to move his hand lower). Vince: We're finished then. See you fellows tonight, right now I have to.... Pat! Get your hand away from there........... Matt "Blackjack" Hayden freelance Mail the Author Visit my site |
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