|
/wrestling /guests /Hauser |
|
|
/wrestling /guests /Hauser |
| Guest Columns | Dave Hauser |
MainBLAH |
THE BISCHOFF MEETING The cameras zoom in on a large conference room in the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. About 200 wrestlers and associated WCW employees are congregated. They are awaiting their leader one Eric Bischoff. The room is silent, then Eric enters the room and starts to talk. Eric: OK, I have had enough bullshit from you young guys making life hard for us. I have Randy Savage on strike, I have Kevin Nash retired, Ric Flair is AWOL and DDP is giving you all the chances in the world. Enough of this bullshit I have a few bones to pick with you guys and you can all fucking walk out and I will grant you your release. First on my shit list is Raven. Eric: Raven, where were you when you were supposed to be backstage to become Sid's 88th victim of the powerbomb. The script said that you were to be powerbombed through a meat grinder and Sid was going to give the fans more of the Millenium Man routine and what is this crap about you joining ECW.... (Raven walks out and hits the nearest payphone to call his agent) Eric; OK, one more useless talent in this place. Let's see Rey Mysterio. Rey, Rey I am a tad pissed at you for calling Lenny and Lodi members of the Hershey Highway brigade. After the illustrious Kevin Nash let you beat him, you go on my family entertainment program and bash homosexuals. Rey: With all due respect, if you are going to run with a gay angle, you have to take the chances. I know you are sensitive about the Hershey Highway since, Big Sexy spends about 15 minutes a day in your butt crack but lay off me. Eric: Hm, well Rey you know the punishment for your actions. Rey: What is that? Eric: You will go on at 9:00 and job to Ernest Miller. There will be no red shoes, tonight it is a clean job. Hogan: Way to go easy-E, I have a problem with all these Mexicans. I think they need to be taught a lesson. Eric: Damn right, Tonight I will have a Mexican Hardcore Match and Ciclope, Pischosis, Damian, Super Calo, Silver King, Blitzkrieg, La Parka and Villano V will compete during the match I want Sid to come in the ring and Sid can powerbomb each and everyone of you for your existence. Hogan you are a genius. Eric: Speaking of Mexican, the internet smarks are claiming that K-Dogg does not seem Mexican. Konnan: Yo, I am sick of this Mexican gimmick, it makes me look like an idiot. You make me say Arriva La Rasa, and Toss your salad and all this stuff and I think it has to go bud. Eric: (thinking that K-Dogg looking like a jackass deflects attention to him) hmm, I think you just need to be more convincing and I have determined that in order to make you look more Mexican, I am changing your theme song to the Macarena and you will do the Macarena along with the Arriva La rasa thing before every match. (K-Dogg and Rey Mysterio walk out of the room) Eric: OK I am not through Shane Douglas: Um, Bischoff, I am trying to figure out what Evolution means in my tag phrase. Eric: Well you guys are the babyfaces and it rhymes with revolution and it keeps you in the midcard where you belong. Shane Douglas; That is fucking stupid, I may have to shoot on you guys tonight. Eric: Now to Buff Bagwell.. You were supposed to job to my friend the Cat last week, my son was in attendance and he gets karate lessons from Ernest and this was to put my son's hero over. Now I am at a loss with you. Hm,, Hollywood what do we do here. Hogan: Well you know Brother, I think we change Buff's gimmick, let's call him Marcus from now on and geez he should lay down for Horace tonight. Eric: Consider it done. Now let's set the card up for tonight. Tony Schiavone hand me over the fishbowl. So we can draw the matches up. I want 5 matches screwed with Sid powerbombs, so just draw 10 names out of the guys that are under 40 and have potential to carry a 3 minute match. Then I want Rick Steiner moved along to be setup to win the US title. Disco Inferno: But Boss, he has the TV title already and he is a danger in the ring. Eric: Remember the angle of our business is we are all wrestling and Rick was the NCAA champion at Michigan back in 1979.; So we need to make him the main guy around here, he is so over with the fans and I just love it when he says his slogans. Benoit: So I am jobbing to DFG? Eric; Well you get to keep the strap to Fall Brawl but you will lose to him then. Eric: OK now the tag champions, who should win this belt. Nash: I think Kendall Windham bought me 3 beers last night so why don't we give the Windham boys the gold Eric: Awesome decision anyone else agree. Dusty Rhodes: Yeah, I agree I mean I am good friends with his dad. Eric: Now we need to know how to make Sting look very stupid since Sting is not in the room. Hogan: I got it brother, how about I say how I am going to kick his ass and take some vitamins and hit him with closed fists have Luger come out and warn him that I am a bad man and have him act stupid and paranoid. Eric: Great that Jesus freak needs to look bad. Now Kidman, you owe DDP big time right now, you beat this legend of a man So what I am going to have you do is job to his very good friend Van Hammer at Fall Brawl. You will win a match or two against Triad members but at the Fall Brawl we will make sure you lose to the newly repackaged Hammer. Booker T: How you gonna get that piece of crap over. Eric: Simple he is going to be the Marilyn Manson demon, we just signed them to play Nassau Coliseum next week and Hammer will feud with the Kiss demon before tossing Kidman aside. (Kidman walks out of the meeting) Eric: OK, we are saving bucks here, after the last few walkouts I can now produly announce that the Starcade main event will be Hulk Hogan and Brad Pitt versus Kevin Nash and Torrie Wilson. I just cleared a million dollars to sign Brad for Starcade. Now Bret Hart, I want you to trash Davey Boy Smith for joining WWF I have written some stuff for you to publish in the Calgary Sun, stuff like you will run him over. This establishes you as a heel and stuff so run with it. J James Dillon: What about the Hummer driver Tony: Oh yeah the HUMMER Eric: OK, we were going to announce that the Hummer Driver was Big Sexy but Chase Tatum pointed out that how could he drive the hummer and be in the limo at the same time. So it can't be Vince McMahon, since it would be collusion. Now that I think about it, I could be the hummer driver. Bobby Heenan: You were with us at the booth, that can't be so Eric; Damn I wanted to steal the spotlight, well I guess Jason Hervey Is the driver. DDP: Well who else is left, hey can't we get Erik Watts a win tonight as well Eric: yeah Erik is damn good, let's see, Mikey Whipwreck is here let's have Watts bury Whipwreck and Sid can stay away from that match, any Cat matches and of course title matches. Nash: Anything we want to gleen from WWF. Eric; yes, I want to take Michael Buffer and turn him into Utli-buff warrior and have him do the introductions in a pile of smoke. Also, I see the Holly's are getting over with their gimmick so let's take the Armstrongs and make them like that. And I was thinking that we need a MR Ass, so I couldn't help but think Jerry Flynn could be that man, OK guys lets get a 3.0 tonight and kick ass. Dave Hauser freelance Mail the Author |
BLAH |
Main |
||