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Guest Columns | Josh Haggard |
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ANOTHER GO
Allright, so let's get to this. I am the J-Mann, El Joshito, waste of oxygen, and your Paragon of Virtue (hey, Jericho doesn't use it anymore, so it's MINE, MINE, ALL MINE!), that's right children, I am Josh Haggard, and until I can think of some catchy title with puroresu in it, this is the MOTHERF***ING BURNING HAMMER!!!! (Thanks to the No Respect Posters...If SeeOurZed would be so kind, give 'em a link! http://nrp2000.homepage.com.) So, let's catch up on things, shall we? Good.
Now, to the meat (and that is NOT a Shawn Stasiak pun) of the column:
WWF Crap: Turn Jericho heel. I mean it. Do it now or feel my wrath. I'm listening to Jericho's debut in the Countdown to Millennium Raw, and it was so cool how he received a giant pop and then got monster heel heat. Just don't put him with Curtis Hughes. CURTIS F'N HUGHES!!! Edge and Christian rule. I was a huge mark for the Brood, and now I'm a mark for their primadonna attitude. "Wash that ass off my face!"...BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
WCW Crap: The New Blood shirt rules, as does Kidman. I swear, I think Kidman is one of the only guys I like in WCW...Let's see...Booker T, Scott Steiner (except for his mic work), uh...Vampiro, Sting, Ric Flair, and of course, David Arquette! *coughBULLSHITcough*. Excuse me, I seem to have come down with a bug...The love bug!! AHAHAHAHA...I kill me.
ECW Crap:
JUSTIN CREDIBLE! Go Aldo! Sure beats having a jockstrap on your head, eh? Or
doing motion capturing for possibly the worst wrestling game ever made, WWF
Warzone (no, wait, I forgot about WCW Mayhem. <<
For the love of God, let Jerry Lynn actually go over on RVD! Please? I mean,
come on, he should've won a match back when the TV title was up for grabs,
but now, it's RVD's return match...Which basically kills Lynn winning. Ick.
Let me quote the No Respect Posters once again, this time in their parody of
"No Sex In The Champagne Room" by Chris Rock: "If you've been wrestling a guy
for three months, and you haven't won a match yet...He is not your rival."
AJPW Notes:
Anyways, here's the deal with champions: Kenta Kobashi is the current AJPW
Triple Crown champ. This is the most prestigious belt in the world. He won it
from Vader (that's right, the same guy who was oh-so unfairly jobbed to guys
like Marc Mero). He has a variety of nifty moves, including the Orange Crush
(Suplex into a Powerbomb), MOTHERF***ING BURNING HAMMER (Very sick looking
Reverse Death Valley Driver), and the infamous Powerbomb onto the turnbuckle
(concussion!).
The World Tag Titles are vacant; Dr. Death and Vader were champs but Vader
got his arm broken, so they've been held up for a tournament. I'm hoping the
Movement (Johnny Ace and Mike Barton, formerly known as Bart Gunn) wins, but
it'll probably end up being Misawa and Ogawa or some other Japs...So sue me.
The All Asia Tag Titles are held by Tamon Honda and Masao Inoue. They suck. I
hope they don't keep the belts too much longer now, as they are a comedic
team that has almost no talent. We're talking MEAN STREET POSSE talent, here.
Let's close this out. I'm tired and my Espresso rush is gone. What have we
learned today?
Read Patrick Barker's tape reviews and such. He says that we're parallels,
and I'm not ashamed to say that I've stolen some writing techniques of his.
He's an excellent writer, and a good friend, and he passed his driving
test...Congrats, Pat!
Read Chris Hyatte's stuff, too. Read CRZ for his dry, subtle humor and his
EXTREMELY accurate reports, and then read Hyatte's Mop-Ups for the sheer
comedic value. Read the Mop-ups EVERY WEEK at http://www.scoopthis.com
(Malaka linkage, brotha my man, CRZ). Read him or die. Trust me. Just don't
send him hate mail, or he'll tear you a new one, *coughSeanShannoncough*. Oh,
here we go again. *coughSlymmcough*. I'm also not ashamed to say that I am a
huge Hyatte mark, and I steal a lot of his crap, too. For instance: Patterson
is gay...BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Oh yeah, one more thing: I am your Paragon of virtue.
"J-Mann" Josh Haggard |
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