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Greg Kliver

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WHAT IF....

Warning: This is NOT meant to be fantasy booking and I have NO desire to see ANY of this on television, theater, or anywhere else. However, these were some scenarios that were rolling through my mind the past few days, so here we go.

What if...Bob Ryder was shilling for the WWF? I know this seems impossible, but what if Bob moved "Notes from Bob" from 1wrestling.com to WWF.com and made it full of WWF propaganda? Would anybody complain then? Bob could be selling Taz(z) like he's the friggen' messiah. He could write a column about how WCW and ECW are nothing more than bush league promotions. Of course, he would still own 1wrestling and post editorials there about "Nitro is PORN" and 10 Reasons Why Chris Jericho Made the Right Decision in Signing With the WWF." And without a doubt in mind, the WWF marks on the 'net would treat him with respect.

What if...John Rocker became a professional wrestler (Or in this case, "sports entertainer.")? If you haven't heard yet, Atlanta Braves pitcher, John Rocker hates New Yorkers. So, when WCW makes a trip to New York, The Revolution debut Rocker as their newest member. Rocker cuts a promo about why New York sucks and gets instant heat. Goldberg (Rocker's favorite wrestler) then charges the ring and spears Rocker. Goldberg then gets jumped by the rest of the Revolution. Rocker is becomes obsessed with kicking Goldberg's ass and that would fuel a Goldberg-Revolution program, but that would actually elevate some people and that RARELY happens in WCW.

What if...The Rock was given the Red Rooster gimmick? A lot of fans feel that The Rock is SO over he do an interview reading a telephone book and the crowd will pop like mad. As Jim Ross once said, "The Rock has the crowd in palm of his hands." So I figure give The Rock Terry Taylor's old gimmick the Red Rooster and see if he gets the same reaction. The strutting, cocking of the head back and forth, and best of all, the goofy spiked mohawk were the Rooster's trademarks. The Rock of course still does his catchphrases, but they are adjusted accordingly with his "character." I mean, think of possible lines. "Know your role and LAY AN EGG!" Or how about, "If you smellllllalalalalaLA.....what the Rooster.....is shitting." And my personal favorite, "IT MATTER DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH BIRD SEED I PECK!!!!" If he does that gimmick and the marks still pop for him, then he is TRULY over.

What if...Nature Boy Ric Flair became obsessed with nature? I'll admit it. This is stupid, but I remember when I first started watching WCW when I was 9 years old and I heard the announcers talk about the "Nature Boy" I thought Flair was an environmentalist or something. Anyway, Flair becomes obsessed with nature. He joins Goldberg in the fight for animal rights. Flair recycles and encourages all of us to do the same. Ric takes a group of kids out once a week to plant a tree. It would be the stupidest gimmick ever, but after seeing Flair for so many years, he could make it entertaining. As stupid as the "insane asylum" angle was, Flair made the mental hospital skits hilarious.

What if...Vince Russo realized that intergender wrestling was becoming passe and decided to book wrestlers vs. animals? Could you imagine a Norman F'N Smiley vs. a doberman pincher in a hardcore match? The dog would tear Norman to shreds for three minutes before Jeff Jarrett makes a run-in and hits the doberman with el kabong and Smiley is put on top for the win. Bret Hart is signed to defend his WCW World Title against a three legged cat. Like every Bret Hart match he works over the legs for about 10-15 minutes. But when Hart goes for the sharpshooter, Tony exclaims, "Fans, this kitty cat has found a counter to the sharpshooter because the the cat only has THREE legs! This is ANOTHER first in our sport!" A few weeks later, Vince McMahon tops Russo by booking Pat Patterson vs. Pat's favorite gerbil. I don't want to know how that match goes. However, I bet it probably ends in submission.

And on that note that wraps up what is probably the worst column EVER. Anyone who reads this total nonsense will become dumber because of it. I swear my next column will be a little more normal. I plan on writing about what I like and what I think sucks.

Greg Kliver
freelance

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission