A couple of guys who saw this on some message boards and on another website (hint - it starts with and R and is run by a guy who believes Vince Russo will get fired in the next six months) suggested I send you this column. I don't know if I can consistently crank these out, since they require me to actually think on a regular basis, but I'll send it and see if you think it sucks or not. (Feedback would rule, by the way.)

No longer will professional wrestling have any element of athleticism, they say - it will all be about sports entertainment, a "soap opera" for men.

They're destroying tradition, say others. No longer will we see the stars of yesterday - Russo and Ferrara are bound and determined to wipe the slate clean of anything that happened before September of 1999.

Au contraire, mon frere.

These suppostions are totally off-base, and I am here to provide you with an EXCLUSIVE look at the past and future of World Championship Wrestling - a chronology that will detail a future program unparalled by any other wrestling company.

Not the World Wrestling Federation.

Not Extreme Championship Wrestling.

Not All-Japan, New-Japan, Not-So-New-Japan, the CWA, the AWA, AAA, or ABBA.

So come with me, my wrestling compadres, and let's take a look at the present and future of WCW.

DECEMBER 20, 1999

The world lets out a collective groan when Bill Goldberg is screwed out of the WCW World title at Starrcade, in a finish vaguely reminiscent of some event that happened two years ago in Montreal, Canada involving a deluded Canadian hero and a immature Playgirl model. The world also lets out a collective groan at the fact that Roddy Piper was one of the major players in this angle - not because they wish that Piper hadn't turned his back on WCW, but because it would mean that Roddy Piper would get television time to talk.

The next night, Roddy Piper, as many fear, ends up on national television and declares that people want to see "real" fighters. He also invokes the names of a lot of dead wrestlers during another interview segment. Many fans wish Piper was on that list.

The first seed of the REAL angle is sown.

Oh yeah, some group called the nWo is reformed, but that isn't important to anything in this master storyline - it's simply a red herring thrown out to make sure that internet fans can bash WCW on a regular basis.

JANUARY 3, 2000

The world lets out yet another collective groan when Terry Funk is named the commissioner of WCW and proceeds to give a rambling, incoherent interview about tradition and justice and the nWo being bad and all that stuff. But somewhere during Funk's painkiller-induced rantings, he mentions that WCW fans want to watch "real" wrestlers. Arn Anderson, virtually immobile neck and all, comes down and echoes the same sentiments - except in Anderson's case he actually uses complete sentences.

Yet another seed of the REAL angle is sown.

Oh yeah, Scott Steiner joined the nWo last week, but we've already told you that you shouldn't care about what happens in the nWo.

Ok, at this point things look pretty bleak for WCW. You've got a bunch of guys better suited for rest homes fighting a bunch of guys involved in a stable that nobody cared about two years ago and certainly don't care about now.

But wait, things get better.

JANUARY 16, 2000

WCW previously announced the Souled Out pay-per-view would have a match between Terry Funk and Kevin Nash for the "commissioner's spot, not my dog spot or a liver spot" in WCW. Nash, truly believing that Terry Funk will have a heart attack at some point during the match and won't have to actually, you know, do anything vaguely athletic, decides to put up the nWo and the Powers That Be very livelihood against Funk's commissioner's spot.

However, during this colossal showdown of wills, Kevin Nash accidentally takes a bump to the ringpost, causing a small cut on his right pinky finger. In excruciating pain, Nash immediately submits, thus ending the reign of the nWo and the Powers That Be.

Oh yeah, Bret Hart pins Sid Vicious to retain the WCW World title, but that match, along with every other match on the Souled Out card, is completely meaningless.

Wait, they were all pretty much completely meaningless anyway, but I digress...

JANUARY 17, 2000

The next night on Nitro, Terry Funk is announced as the commissioner/ruler/king of WCW.

As commissioner of WCW and a man with complete and absolute power, Funk makes two startling edicts. (in between cortisone shots for his entire body and nitro-glycerine for his heart)

Edict #1: From now on, all wrestlers will have to use their REAL names. No more gimmicks will be allowed. Of course, Terry Funk will have to admit that his real name is Marv Glickstein and he's really from Queens, New York and not Texas, but that's another point altogether.

Edict #2: There will be no such thing as a "worked" match. From now on, there will be REAL fighting in WCW. No more pulled punches or fake groin shots for us, nosiree!

Upon hearing these edicts, 43 WCW wrestlers immediately storm Bill Busch's office and demand their release. Busch agress, but only under the condition that they NOT go to the World Wrestling Federation. 42 WCW wrestlers will immediately sign with Extreme Championship Wrestling - the only exception being Konnan - now known as Charles Ashinoff, who is forced to sign a five-year deal with an independent promotion based out of Leavenworth, Kansas.

The night's matches include Steve Borden vs. Page Faulkenberg. Borden and Faulkenberg fight to a one-minute draw after both guys knock each other with one real punch. Bret Hart proves to have a real knack for fighting real, as his one punch knockout of Vince McMahon should have proved. And Tank Abbott proves to be a really, really sick guy, extracting Evan Karagias's (what, you mean that's NOT his real name?) heart with his bare hands and showing the pulsing remains to the live crowd - finally getting Abbott over with the WCW fans.

Every match seems to end in less than two minutes, forcing WCW to send out more wrestlers in an attempt to fill the two hours on Nitro. By the end of the evening, another 14 wrestlers are knocked out of action indefinitely, reducing WCW's talent roster from 102 to 45.

The internet calls Nitro "boring...just another lame swerve designed to work the smarts. The WWF blows them away! The Rock rules!"

JANUARY 18, 2000

WCW loses another 14 wrestlers to injury during Thunder, including Larry Pfhol - the wrestler formerly known as Lex Luger. Once WCW decided that the last name of Pfhol was really, really gay, the company hierarchy decided to put him in a UFC-style cage match with Tank Abbott. Pfhol-Luger lasts about 50 seconds before Abbott rips out his heart with his bare hands, mercifully ending the career (and miserable life) of the "Total Package". Tony Schiavone declares it "the greatest heart extraction in the history of our sport!"

The 42 WCW wrestlers signed by ECW all show up enmasse at a TNN television taping in Philadelphia, PA. Unfortunately, they can't all fit in the ECW arena and Paul Heyman is forced to fire 21 of them.

Meanwhile, Charles Ashinoff/Konnan is kept off of Leavenworth Championship Wrestling's card at the YMCA in favor of independent sensation Justin Tolerable.

Ratings for WCW Monday Nitro improve two-tenths of a point from the previous week, causing Ed Ferrara and Vince Russo to claim victory in the ratings war.

JANUARY 21, 2000

ECW broadcasts the "invasion" of the 21 WCW wrestlers signed by Paul Heyman. Ratings plummet to a 0.05, and Heyman fires every last one of them except Dale Torborg, whom Heyman decides to pair up with the Impact Players.

JANUARY 24, 2000

During the Nitro broadcast, "Mean" Gene Okerlund, freed from the constraints of kayfabe, asks Terry Funk/Marv Glickstein whether he would get his drug-riddled ass into the ring and "really" fight. Glickstein informs Okerlund that he would have to be on serious drugs, the kind of drugs Tammy Sytch takes, to actually fight.

The broadcast is also historic because Booker T and Stevie Ray, real-life brothers whose names I have no desire to research, attempt to perform in a worked match. After about two minutes, WCW officials realize that the two aren't "really" pummeling each other, and Tank Abbott is sent out there to extract their hearts as well.

The internet jumps all over Nitro, calling it "a sham...pathetic. WCW needs the Rock!"

JANUARY 25, 2000

Ratings for WCW Monday Nitro improve a tenth of a point from the previous week. Vince Russo proclaims on WCW Live! that the WWF should "sell to Ted Turner now before they go completely bankrupt".

Seven more wrestlers are injured during the Thunder taping, forcing WCW to send Kevin Nash out to perform comedy to fill the remaining hour and thirty-five minutes. Tony Schiavone calls it "the greatest comedy routine in the history of our sport!"

However, during Nash's comedy routine, a drunken Nitro Girl stumbles out from the back and challenges Nash to a "real" fight. Kevin Nash suddenly develops a vicious pain in his pinky and collapses to the ground.

JANUARY 26, 2000

Kevin Nash is kept overnight for observation in a local hospital, where it is determined that Nash is really just a big pansy who doesn't want to fight.

JANUARY 28, 2000

Dale Torborg appears during a match with the Impact Players against Rob Van Dam and Jerry Lynn, causing Van Dam to lose. Van Dam then challenges Torborg to a TV title match in which Torborg pins the "whole F'n show" in 47 seconds to win the ECW Television title. Paul Heyman is so excited about Torborg's obvious athletic ability that he signs fellow WCW alum Chase Tatum to the richest contract (that Heyman will not be able to honor) in ECW history. However, ratings plummet to 0.0001, meaning that only about 194 households were actually watching ECW.

JANUARY 31, 2000

Having had enough of Nash's bellyaching (and simply because he's a drug-crazed fiend) Terry Funk books a match between Kevin Nash and the drunken Nitro Girl. The alcoholic dancer knocks Nash out with one slap to the head. The EMT's take one look at Nash and tell him that he's nothing but a total pansy. Nash cries pitifully. Scott Hall rushes out to assist Nash, but runs into the drunken Nitro Girl. Finding a kindred spirit, Hall and the alky rush off the nearest hotel lounge to live happily ever after.

Also during a match between David Fliehr and Meng, the monster Meng went for his dreaded Tongan death grip, only to realize it didn't hurt after all. Fliehr then used a "real" crowbar (since this is "real" fighting" after all) to break every bone in Meng's body.

A the end of Nitro, the SuperBrawl card was announced. However, since only six wrestlers actually remained on the WCW roster, the card looked like this:

David Fliehr vs. Bill Goldberg

Kevin Nash vs. Tank Abbott in a "finally we'll kill Kevin Nash match"

Bret Hart vs. Ernest "The Cat" Miller for the WCW World Title

The internet jumps all over Nitro, calling it "boring and lame - heart extractions and random assaults are so uncreative. I'd much rather watch the Rock."

FEBRUARY 1, 2000

The SuperBrawl card has to be altered during the Thunder taping, when David Fliehr accidentally hit himself on the head with the crowbar, knocking him completely unconscious for several minutes. When he woke up, he had an actual personality and wrestling ability, so WCW immediately terminated him.

Bret Hart also decided to act on a rumor that Vince McMahon was in a nearby town taping WWF Smackdown! Armed with his new "fighting skills", Hart decided to finsh off Vince once and for all. However, when Bret arrived at the arena, Vince McMahon greeted him with a warm hug, an apology, and some milk and cookies. Bret was so touched that he retired from active wrestling that night and became the CEO of Vince McMahon's charitable foundation, TBFM: Tax Break For Me.

The ratings for Nitro remained the same as last week, causing Vince Russo to proclaim himself "king of the universe" and demanding the finest wines and cheeses and women be made available to him 24 hours a day. He also called for Vince McMahon to give up his "futile attempt" to remain in business with the awesome weight of WCW on their shoulders.

FEBRUARY 4, 2000

With Dale Torborg and Chase Tatum as the top stars, ECW ratings fall to a point where they are unmeasurable by the Nielsen rating service. TNN is forced to cancel ECW programming.

FEBRUARY 5, 2000

ECW is forced into bankruptcy and all the remaining wrestlers end up in the World Wrestling Federation, with the exception of Dale Torborg and Chase Tatum. They end up in the same Leavenworth promotion that Charles Ashinoff/Konnan signed with.

FEBRUARY 7, 2000

In an attempt to preserve their 4-person talent roster for SuperBrawl, WCW decided to cancel all televised events until the day of the pay-per-view. In its place, TNT ran the movie "American Anthem" starring Mitch Gaylord. Thousands of WCW fans called their cable operators, showering them with adulation - many of them saying "Praise The Lord!".

FEBRUARY 8, 2000

A handful of internet fans proclaim this to be the "low point of Nitro" before more sensible fans point out that the low point for Nitro was any appearance by Terry Bollea.

"American Anthem" does almost a full ratings point better than the last six months of WCW programming, prompting Vince Russo to declare that the ratings are fixed and there's a conspiracy against him involving Ted Turner, Vince McMahon, Lyndon LaRouche and the King of Oman. Instead of firing Russo, WCW officials instead decide to promote him to Executive Vice-President.

FEBRUARY 9, 2000

Desperate to improve their talent base, WCW offers $1 million to any professional athlete, entertainer, or musician to join their organization. The only person to take WCW up on their offer is Andrew Dice Clay. After a brief meeting, WCW holds a press conference to announce that although Andrew Dice Clay might technically be a professional entertainer, they're really not that desperate.

Afterwards, Richard Nixon is tendered a 3-year, $6 million offer to join WCW by new Executive Vice-President Vince Russo. Several hours pass before somebody informs Russo that Richard Nixon died several years prior.

FEBRUARY 10, 2000

Charles Ashinoff/Konnan makes his debut appearance on a Leavenworth Championship Wrestling card in Beezel, Kansas. After running through his string of unintelligible catchphrases to complete and utter silence, Ashinoff storms out of the ring, heads to the back of the gymnasium and demands his release. The president of LCW wonders who the hell he is, since he doesn't remember hiring him in the first place - but he grants his release anyway.

Meanwhile on the same card, Dale Torborg and Chase Tatum appear as Desecration-X, a couple of cemetery defilers. They get instant cheap heel heat in the bible belt town of Beezel, instigating a riot and causing SWAT teams from thirteen surrounding towns to storm the gymnasium.

Torborg and Tatum are immediately taken to jail, where they get introduced to a real "wrestler" named Ben Do--well, you know the rest.

FEBRUARY 11, 2000

Charles Ashinoff/Konnan offers his services to WCW for $10 per hour. WCW declines.

FEBRUARY 13, 2000

SuperBrawl takes place in front of 900 fans in a junior college auditorium in Denver, Colorado - the only place in the United States that will allow the raw "real fighting brutality" that is World Championship Wrestling. With only four wrestlers remaining on the talent roster, the card is pared down to:

Bill Goldberg vs. Ernest "The Cat" Miller for the vacant WCW world title

Kevin Nash vs. Tank Abbott in a "finally we'll kill Kevin Nash" match

Without the restraints of kayfabe and workdom, Ernest Miller is able to show the world why he legitimately is a three-time world karate champion. He beats Bill Goldberg so badly that Goldberg actually appears to sell moves, but it turns out that Goldberg is actually just convulsing from internal injuries. The match takes all of four minutes. Infuriated that Miller actually beat their "meal ticket" and won the WCW title, WCW officials bring Tank Abbott out from the locker room to extract Ernest Miller's heart.

Now realizing that they have two hours and twenty-six minutes to fill and only one match left, WCW decides to stretch out the Nash/Abbott match as long as they can.

First, they air in-depth interviews with both Kevin Nash and Tank Abbott. Nash's interview takes twenty-five minutes, and it spans a variety of topics from animal rights to the war in the Middle East. Nash comes off as thoughtful, intelligent and a complete wuss.

Tank Abbott's interview takes all of thirty seconds - well, it was supposed to last twenty-five minutes as well, but Abbott misheard an instruction from the production crew. Instead of "kill the sound", Abbott thought they said "kill the announcer" and extracted Gene Okerlund's heart from his chest.

Tony Schiavone, trying to be "hip" with the "smarts", calls Abbott's heart extractions "the greatest gimmick in the history of our sport!"

With two hours left to kill, WCW realizes they need to drag out the ring entrances and introductions in order to meet cable operator requirements. Michael Buffer is hired to give a fifteen minute speech about the virtues of Kevin Nash - as Nash is led to the ring in a golden chariot pulled by four white horses. Buffer then speaks on Tank Abbott's uh...virtues as Abbott is led to the ring in a straightjacket and leg shackles.

Without any more stalling tactics, the main event starts with ninety minutes left of pay-per-view time. Nash takes one look at a frothing, demented Abbott and bolts out of the auditorium. Abbott is released from his leg shackles and straightjacket, rips the heart out of a ringside fan, and then chases Nash all the way into the street surrounding the arena.

At that very moment, a speeding car driven by an inebriated Scott Hall runs over Tank Abbott, killing both him and Nash instantly. The pay-per-view ends eighty-four minutes early, with Tony Schiavone declaring this "the greatest double-murder in the history of our sport!"

FEBRUARY 14, 2000

The internet would jump all over SuperBrawl, calling it another "Russo/Ferrara" abomination. "How derivative! How boring!", screams one internet insider, "so a couple of guys get their hearts ripped out of their chest? Tank Abbott and Kevin Nash get run over by a car? Who cares? The Rock's catchphrases are infintely more entertaining than any of that WCW crap..."

Without any active wrestlers in WCW - but still wanting to cash in on the popularity of wrestling - TNT makes an eleventh-hour decision to repackage highlights from the NWA circa 1989 as the "new" Nitro.

Vince Russo goes on WCW Live! and insists that THIS was the big angle he'd been promising all along - and that the KGB has been spying on him for several years.

FEBRUARY 15, 2000

The "new" Nitro does a monster 7.4 rating, defeating RAW for the first time in nearly two years.

The internet praises Nitro as "fresh and innovative - the best Nitro in YEARS!"

In Titan Towers, Vince McMahon decides that he's going to cash in on this "back to wrestling" fad by putting the WWF World title on Edge, the Intercontinental title on Christian, the European title on Matt Hardy and the Hardcore title on Jeff Hardy. He's also decided that the Rock absolutely sucks, and terminates his contract immediately.

Realizing that this new "Nitro" doesn't need writers, Vince Russo, Ed Ferrara and Bill Banks are all fired by WCW. Russo can be heard to mutter as he leaves WCW's offices, "DAMMIT! I knew I should have scripted an ending which did NOT involve us all having no use within the company when it was over...and why are these voices in my head?"

Not only are the writers fired - in fact, everyone involved with WCW is fired. Bookers are no longer needed, since there are no more active wrestlers available for house shows. Television crews aren't necessary because there's no live television program to produce. And most wonderfully, Kevin Sullivan is fired, sending a tingle through the hearts of millions of wrestling fans around the world.

Terry Bollea-Hogan contacts WCW with the intention of offering his services and sparking a ratings surge, but there's nobody in the office to answer his telephone call.

Time-Warner realizes that for the first time, wrestling might actually turn a profit for their company.

After making dozens of phone calls, Charles Ashinoff/Konnan finally ends up with an organization - a Taco Bell in Linden, NJ.

And somewhere in Charlotte, Richard Fliehr simply sits back and enjoys it all...and starts collecting those royalty checks.