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Fred

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Wow, it's been a while since I've done one of these. For those of you who don't know me, I am Mike DeGeorge, the Big Fred Machine. I used to write What I Learned from WCW.com for www.DCCMM.com before Bill Busch signed WCW's death knell by sending the R4dicals off to Stamford. At that point, I became a WWF mark and Vince McMahon apologist. I've enjoyed the hell out of the WWF product for most of 2000.

Around the middle of December, I started to get tired of the repetition in the WWF storylines. Since Armageddon, I've tolerated the WWF programs. After RAW this week, I finally snapped. But all that in good time.

Special note to 'Spicy Jack': since you plugged the website, we won't send the First Family (which is markedly different and infinitely more impressive than Jimmy Hart's crappy WCW stable) after you. But next time you (or anyone else) borrows the WILF format, it might help to, you know, BE FUNNY and/or ENTERTAINING.

With that out of the way, let's get to the Vince-bashing, as DCCMM and/or [slash] try to maintain their dignity as they present:

What I Learned from WWF.com - RAW (1-8-01)

WWF.com comments in, eh, black, or white, or something. My comments in red.

Electricity filled the air in the San Jose Arena in San Jose, Calif.,

Well, what did you expect, CRZ is there! (I would like to apologize for this blatant and, frankly, embarrassing act of ass-kissing. It will not happen again.) Speaking of CRZ, XO Communications is the absolute WORST company when it comes to ANY sort of customer service. For a communications company they sure do a rotten job of, you know, COMMUNICATING...

in anticipation of the main event of RAW, where Stone Cold Steve Austin would face Kurt Angle for the Federation Title!

There were a number of ways this show could end. All but two of them would suck. One ending that wouldn't suck would be Angle winning clean, and I stand about as good a chance of winning a wrestling match with Austin as Kurt does at this point.

Mr. McMahon came to the ring to kick off the show,

And Az Hakim promptly fumbles away the frikkin playoffs. Seriously, you've got the best RB in the game who is also this year's MVP, and you put your hopes on the guy who has let more balls go through his hands than Jenna Jamison?

and he said he had a New Year's resolution for everyone.

Vote! No, wait...take your dad to an XFL game! YEAH!

He said that everyone should "respect authority."

{insert blindingly obvious Cartman riff here}

McMahon went on to say that there is one person who does not respect any authority

Wait, wait...I'm good at this. "From the center square" Jm J Bullock?!

and that man is The Rock!

Eh, I was close.

Vince said that Stephanie had made a match for The Rock

He's already married, if I'm not mistaken. Those kooky McMahons...

against both Kane and Rikishi,

Oh...spoke to soon.

along with two other partners for The Rock - selected by Stephanie. And those two partners would be referees!

See, what did I tell you? They're KOOKY! Stupid, yet still kooky!

Vince then addressed why he counted to three on SmackDown! last week to allow Stone Cold the victory.

Cause no one in their right minds would care about UT or Kane vs. Angle?

Mr. McMahon said that he did that because he was a new man,

Getting your knob slobbed by Trish Stratus does that to you, I would imagine.

and that he was trying to be fair.

And he's KOOKY! (still alive, joke?! Stomp, stomp!)

As Vince went on to explain why he was trying to be fair,

Because it would be fair?

he was interrupted by Stone Cold Steve Austin's entrance music!

And we go from "don't care, can't make me" to "time to take a dump"

Austin said he didn't care if Vince was trying to be fair

Cause he's a POET and didn't KNOW IT!

Austin said that he would always say DTA

This sounds like some sort of disease. "Yeah, Debra's got big tits and all, but she gave me a bad case of DTA"

don't trust anybody.

It could still apply to my theory.

The Rattlesnake said he had one message for Vince

And is taking fucking FOREVER to say it.

stay out of Stone Cold's life and he would let Vince live his.

Until he decides to give him the stunner for no good reason.

Then Austin promised to beat Kurt Angle later!

Feh. The only way I'll be interested in "Grown Old" Steve Austin any time soon is a heel turn, aligned with Vince as payback to HHH for marrying his daughter.

At that, Angle came out to the ring and told Stone Cold that he was very impressed.

That makes one of us, Kurt.

Impressed that Austin could be so lacking of respect for anyone and anything.

Angle got off a great line about Austin wrestling Savio Vega while Angle was winning Olympic gold. My girlfriend's 16-year-old son asked "Who's Savio Vega?" My response: "Exactly."

The Champion said that, just because Austin had a title shot didn't mean he would walk out the winner.

Tell that to the bookers, pally.

Kurt said that he was that man who walked out of the Hell in the Cell and several other brutal matches as the World Wrestling Federation Champion.

DAMN STRAIGHT! Angle ROCKS.

Angle told Austin that he was not impressed by Autin at all.

And I hear he's not impressed by Austin, either.

Austin said he would still kick Angle all around the building,

Can someone PLEASE tell me why people still like this guy?

and as Austin was about to have a celebratory beer, Angle hit him in the head with the title and walked away!

You GO, Kurt! I'm REALLY liking the new, confident, assertive Angle. Even if they ARE booking him to lose matches, outside the ring he's making up for it.

In a six-man tag match, Chris Jericho teamed with the Hardy Boyz against Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn.

I would be almost excited if I had any confidence that this would go more than three minutes, tops.

As Lita and Terri watched on from ringside, the Radicalz and the Hardyz and Y2J battled each other with some high-impact moves.

In between Zippy here and CRZ's minute details, there's GOTTA be some middle ground.

Jericho got the win after pinning Benoit with a backslide.

Sadly, that was about everything of value that happened in this match. Problem: You've got a great program going with the Radicals and Hardys, right? So instead of going anywhere with it, you have Malenko out and Benoit fighting Jericho AGAIN at Royal Rumble. I won't mind so much if they continue this storyline when Deano returns, but we all know the chances of THAT, don't we?

After the match, Dean Malenko took the hot dog vendors tray and dumped its contents all over Lita.

If the bitch won't stay in the kitchen, you gotta bring the kitchen to her, I always say. Send hate mail to mdegeorge@talx.com

As Lita angrily walked to her locker room,

Excuse me, WHO was the one that pulled Malenko down from the apron? If you can't handle it, chick, shut up and get me a beer. Send hate mail to mdegeorge@talx.com

Matt and Jeff Hardy told her to take a shower and get the nacho cheese off of her.

Ummm, not to nitpick (yeah, right) but why does a hot dog vendor have nacho cheese on his cart? Or I COULD have said "Anyone other than Matt and Jeff Hardy would have licked that stuff off her by now"...

After the Hardyz walked away,

Since Lita showering is uninteresting to them.

Dean Malenko snuck into her locker room!

Dean Malenko is my idol.

Stephanie tried to recruit two referees to team with The Rock,

"Shit, no! I don't want to be associated with that load!"

two refs told Stephanie that they were untrained in the ring.

Wasn't Teddy Long a wrestler once?

Upon hearing that, Stephanie told them that, since they spoke up, they would be the men teaming with the Great One.

After two days, I STILL fail to see anything remotely resembling a point to this.

Kevin Kelly then interviewed The Rock about this handicap match later on RAW

Someone once remarked that Kevin Kelly should become a heel manager to try and get back at the Rock for all those "Hermie" jokes. But they'd never do it, cause that might show some logical story progression. Much as I dislike the Rock, though, I find the Hermie jokes funny as hell.

The Rock said that it didn't matter what he had to do

As if by some sort of cosmic karma, Pat Patterson walked into the shot at this point.

he was going to become the champion once again.

God help us all, he's probably right.

As Lita showered, Dean Malenko snuck in and watched her!

GOD BLESS DEAN MALENKO! And might I add two things: A) WHO FUCKING CARES if she was wearing a thong, and B) Lita has a REALLY nice ass.

As her offered the shocked Lita a towel,

SHOCKED, I tell you! Actually, not "shocked" so much as "fucking PISSED!"

the Hardy Boyz came in and attacked Malenko!

And Zippy fails to mention one teensy important detail, the Pillmanizing of Dean's knee. Usually, those spots look about as painful as Lita's punches, but this one was pretty damn cool.

Michael Cole interviewed Chyna about her injuries, and the Ninth Wonder of the World said that she did want to come back to wrestling, but she was very disappointed she wouldn't be able to participate in the Royal Rumble. She said that, for now, she was going to watch Billy Gunn defeat Val Venis in a lumberjack match.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...huh? Wha? Did I miss anything?

In that lumberjack match, 'The One' Billy Gunn and Val Venis attempted to destroy each other.

God help me, I LIKE Val. But he's never going to get anywhere with shit like Billy Gunn and the RTC.

Val Venis fell victim to the lumberjacks at the outset, as 'The One' tossed Val out of the ring numerous times.

"Numerous" being once, of course. Although I did like when he tried to escape by rolling out of the ring over by the Acolytes. Oops. And Val never once threw Billy out, nope, nosiree.

Billy Gunn got the win with a sleeper-slam,

No, no. I don't like that name. How about the 'crappy-cruncher'? The shitty-slam? The loser-launch? The flop-drop? Yeah, there we go. I like the Flop Drop.

and after the match, the Right to Censor tried to attack 'The One', but the rest of the lumberjacks emptied the ring.

By, er, entering the ring, they emptied it? Fred CONFUSED!

In a handicap match, Kane and Rikishi took on The Rock, who teamed with (very nervous) referees Teddy Long and Jack Doan. As Stephanie had ordered earlier, Teddy Long began the match in the ring against Rikishi. Rikishi grabbed Teddy and tossed him into the corner of the ring and gave him a Stink Face!

I can't be bothered to say much about this load of shit. Probably the best thing about this match was the obvious delight Rikishi was showing as he beat the piss out of the refs. I think Rikishi makes a GOOD heel, he's just not over.

Long then got away and made the tag to The Rock! The Great One fought hard against Kane and Rikishi, and as The Rock distracted the referee, Long and Doan jumped in the ring and attacked Rikishi!

Which was pretty funny. I think it would have been funnier had one of the refs try to run in, and the other start pushing him toward the corner and counting furiously.

The Great One continued to try and go it alone, but the constant double-teaming of Kane and Rikishi wore him down.

The ten-year long match wore me down LONG before this. Jesus FUCKING Christ, Rock and two refs get ten minutes while Benoit, Jericho, et al get three minutes? FEH, BAH, and FUCK YOU WWF (there, Mick. I said it. You happy now?)

The match was called a disqualification when Kane went to get some chairs from ringside.

The match was called a load of shit by everyone watching it.

Undertaker then ran out to ringside and flattened Kane.

"Ran" is SUCH a strong word.

Then, Rikishi was laid out with a Rock Bottom!

And I'm laid out with boredom. Isn't this show OVER yet?

In their dressing room, Stephanie and Vince discussed the fact that, The Rock had learned nothing about respecting authority. Vince said,

Zippy! The comma is NOT a toy!

that both Rock and Undertaker would learn, and he made a match for SmackDown! - a Fatal Fourway pitting Rikishi vs. Kane vs. Taker vs. Rock, with the winner getting the No. 30 spot in the Royal Rumble!

Oh, ZOINKS, THAT'S gonna be a great match! </EXTREME sarcasm> Obviously (from my nickname) I am a Kane mark. I especially love that backflip-over-the-top-rope thing. He deserves so much better than this.

Raven put his Hardcore Title on the line against former Hardcore Champ Steve Blackman. Before the match, Raven reminded Blackman about Al Snow, who Raven called the first victim of the "Raven Effect."

"The Raven Effect" is what happens when your owner realizes that he's a greedy bastard and makes up lies about losing money in order to get a lucrative stadium deal in another city, and fucks over the loyal fan in the process. But I'm not bitter. I just wish Art Modell would die a long, painful, excruciating, drawn-out, flesh-eating, eviscerating, maggot-infested, explosive-diahhrea induced death, that's all.

Blackman then ran out to the ring and the match began. Before long, Hardcore Holly entered the ring, utilizing the 24-7 rule.

OK - I hate the 24/7 rule as much as anyone (it was great for two weeks or so...now it's just stupid) but I'd like to say this to all the idiots who whine "Oh, so the 24/7 rule is back, huh?" No, dumbass, the rule was always there, they just sold that Blackman was such a badass that no one wanted to take him up on it. See, THAT'S smart booking. But just forgetting the whole thing would be smarter.

Raven ended up pinning Holly for the win.

Blackman, Raven, and Hardcore Holly are three wrestlers I find VERY entertaining. That said, I couldn't care less about them right now. Dammit.

After the match, Hardcore chased Raven up the rampway, but was pulled away by Steve Blackman. As Raven ran away, he jumped into a waiting car!

WHO is the getaway driver? WHO, DAMMIT! WHO?!?!?!?!

In the locker area, Edge and Christian told a special guest of theirs

A guest? As in, ONE guest?

not to come out until they introduced him - because they wanted the Dudleyz to be completely shocked.

SHOCKED!! SHOCKED I TELL YOU!

Christian and Edge then made their way to the ring carrying a table and their Tag Team Championships.

The table has become the WWF's version of the birthday cake from the 80's...if one is brought out to the ring, you can be DAMN sure someone's going into it.

Christian then went on to say that not much was really known about the Dudleyz.

And judging by what we DO know, does anyone really want to find out more?

Edge said that, to find out more about D-Von and Buh Buh,

Guess so.

they took a little trip to Dudleyville,

I still wish they'd do like ECW and have an extended Dudley family...but then, they've got the Holly cousins, so you all would bitch up a storm about that, wouldn't you?

and then he introduced Mother Faye and Levon - the Dudley parents! Two people who were dressed like the Dudleys!

Zippy really likes using exclamation points! It's annoying! AND he neglects to mention those killer 'baby pictures' of the Dudleys. Anyway, this segment was funny as hell, until...

Finally, the real Dudleyz ran out to the ring and gave the imposter daddy Dudley a 3-D!

Levon is what Mick Foley referred to in his book as a 'sandbagger', apparently. By the way, is anyone else offended by the fact that Buh Buh always makes the brother do all the work? "get the table!" "get it yourself, fat ass!"

Then they hit the fake mama Dudley with the "Wazzaaaap!"

Which was disturbing as all hell, made even more so by Ross' comment: "D-Von's going back where he came from!" or somesuch.

Then, they got out a table and put her through it!

I have a problem with this. I had a problem with the Dudleys beating up on Terri and Trish and whatnot a year ago, and the fact that the 'fake parents' made fun of the Dudleys doesn't make it better in the slightest. I'm about as far from a prude as you can get, but things like this, or Rock getting pops by talking about llama's anuses and monkey's nipples, disturbs me. If the PTC focused on issues like disrespect of authority or violence to women instead of counting how many crotch chops and 'suck its' are in each episode, people might not think they're such nutballs.

Sorry.

In the McMahon's dressing room, Vince complained about his coffee, and asked Stephanie to go get him some fresh coffee.

I'll say this for Vince, he knows how women should be treated.

He said he'd be fine by himself while she was gone. After she left, Vince smiled and took off his sportcoat!

"Fine by himself"...heh. "I'm VINCE MCMAHON, DAMMIT!" {stroke, stroke}

Stephanie came back as Vince was asking what was taking so long.

"Hey, YOU were the one who wanted Mexican food!"

And as Stephanie sat down, she heard a toilet flush, and Trish walked out!

Ewwww...didn't even wash her hands. Does the PTC know about THIS?

Stephanie immediately stood up and said that she was putting Trish in action tonight

Ummm, Steph? That's kinda what Vince had in mind.

she would team with Albert against Test,

OH, you mean...OK, nevermind!

because, Stephanie said, she heard Trish liked two-on-one!

Steph would know.

Vince McMahon stammered a bit when Stephanie made the match, and then walked down the hallway.

Muttering something about blue balls. Seriously, WHY would he send Steph on an errand that would take two minutes, unless...ah...got it. No, he should have sent her to the ring to do an interview. She would have been gone all fucking night.

In a special announcement, Jim Ross said that a new TV show called "WWF Tough Enough" would allow fans tohe opportunity to become a WWF Superstar!

This might be pretty cool, actually. Imagine The Real World combined with one of those indy wrestling documentaries. Then again, I think the XFL is a good idea, so what do I know?

In a two-on-one match, Trish and Albert teamed up against Test.

And I went to check hockey scores. I've said it before and I'll say it again...Test, two words: dental work.

As Test went after Trish, William Regal walked out to help her! As Trish and Regal walked away, Albert pinned Test after an Albert Bomb!

I kinda like Regal being Vince's lackey, but considering Ken Shamrock and Big Bossman did similar roles...

In their dressing room, Stephanie yelled at Vince, assuming he had Regal interfere in the match!

That Steph...sharp as a tack, she is.

For the first time in over a year, Stone Cold Steve Austin had a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship on RAW.

Whoop-de-shit. And I'm not supposed to be upset when Undertaker and Austin limp back in the main when Benoit and Jericho are doing the same Intercontinental Two-Step they've been doing for almost a year now?

On this night, he faced Kurt Angle for the title.

Good thing, since Angle actually HAS the title.

The match started off with a bang

Took Zippy long enough to work that one in.

as Austin went after Angle with everything he had.

What has two knees, a full head of hair, and two assholes? This match.

Stone Cold brutalized the champion with fierce punches and many suplexes!

Yep, add a Thesz press and two middle fingers, and that's Austin's arsenal all right.

After being victimized for much of the first part of the match, Angle was finally able to lay out the Rattlesnake.

That last sentence sounded gayer than Scott Steiner in full Cleopatra garb.

Austin battled Angle, and kept getting up and both men continued to fight outside of the ring.

It's descriptions like this that make me happy this guy doesn't do MORE match descriptions.

While outside the ring, William Regal ran to ringside and tried to hit Austin with a pipe.

At this point, I was happy. This is exactly the way I predicted the match would go: Regal costs Austin the title and lays him out, leading to a HUGE match at Royal Rumble. Alas...

Austin saw him coming and smacked him with a chair!

Of course he did! God forbid we make a cripple look vulnerable.

Then Austin put his focus back on Angle, and tossed him onto the concrete and then finally back into the ring, where Austin got several close pinfall attempts!

To those who think Angle made a good showing against Austin...notice how Grown Old managed to fight off TWO heels and still come within a breath of winning the title.

Angle came back with several suplexes of his own, leading to a close pinfall for Angle!

Called brilliantly as "a suplex" and "ANOTHER suplex!" and "YET ANOTHER SUPLEX!" by JR. You could AT LEAST have Tazz in the back calling the names to JR, for Chrissake!

Angle kept suplexing Austin, and it appeared Angle nearly had the match won, but Stone Cold reached down with everything he had and gave his all against Angle!

This was actually a KILLER match, ruined by A) the ending and B) JR and Lawler's idiotic calls.

Austin finally hit Angle with a Stunner and had the match won,

FUME.

but Triple H returned and pulled the referee out of the ring!

There's so many things wrong with this, I don't know where to start. I thought HHH hated Kurt as much as he did Austin? Why not let Regal come down and cost Austin the match, then let HHH come in when Austin started beating on Regal? Hell, why not let REGAL have the match, have Austin run in and lead to a HHH comeback? If rumor is true, it's HHH/Angle for the belt at Royal Rumble ANYWAY, so what exactly is the point? The only logical reason I can come up with is that HHH hates both guys, but wants the belt and figures Angle would be easier to beat, and that rationale would piss me off even worse than I already am. You've got the HHH/Austin feud anyway, you've still got the unresolved HHH/Angle feud. Then you've got the Austin/Regal feud, and with the way Austin is treating Steph, you've got an instant Austin/Angle feud. You CAN NOT tell me that this was the best way to bring all that about, especially leading to a HHH/Angle match. I've been pissed off lately at the "Hollywood Hearst Helmsley" remarks I've seen, but I'm starting to really wonder how accurate that is.

The Game then walked up the rampway, but Austin called him back to the ring! Triple H responded and walked down to the ring and he and Austin started pounding each other!

Hell, they're jerking each other off in the booking sheets, why the hell not?

The two men were uncontollable and began beating the hell out of each other, and the Game even busted Austin open with the lead pipe time and time again!

REGAL'S lead pipe, thank you very fucking little.

As RAW went off the air, Triple H stood over a bloodied Austin!

Again. Aside from Vince & Trish, would someone please tell me how exactly the WWF right now is ANY different than right after No Mercy? You've got HHH coming back from 'severe injury at a PPV' without a fucking scratch, to basically fuck over a promising feud between Austin and a lower-carder (Benoit then, Regal now). Hardcore Holly, Raven, Tazz, The Hardys, and many many others are running in place...what the hell is going on in those booking meetings?

I'm fully aware that part of my anger stems from Benoit and Regal being passed over, but damn it, I'm one of HHH's biggest fans and even I'm getting tired of the Austin and HHH show.

As always, I am fred, and I am STILL pissed off.

fred
BFM - the Big Fred Machine

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Guest column text copyright © 2001 by the individual author and used with permission