QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 16 7/8 (+ 1/8)

Hey, pal. Don't make fun of the stock. I am a .000000015% owner of the WWF. Does that mean I can book matches?

SMACKDOWN!: I THINK I'm going tonight...it all depends on our collective ability to seek out WWF production folk (who can be quite receptive to begging in the right circumstances) between now and showtime. If I do, you'll see an Extra Special Spoiler Report tomorrow around this time. And if I don't, hey, you'll see me get a lot of extra sleep. Either way, I'M A WINNER!

Eh, heh...no. And I don't know aboot YOU, but I sure as hell don't want to know what "receptive to begging in the right circumstances" means. It brings up mental images that make me want to stab my eyes out with a rusty butter knife.

SHORT EDITORIAL: If you ever needed a reason why I don't give out match ratings, you need look no further than the latest Scott Keith argument settler....that lad hands out more snowflakes than the director of your garden variety Very Speical Christmas Episode of "Happy Days." Hey, it's great to LIKE a match - it's great to ENJOY a match - I do a LOT of both, myself - but if you're going to give out star ratings, try to get at least a ONE hand grip on reality. Please. For the love of Meltzer...please.

Of course, when these guys watch the WWF, they have one hand on the grip of reality. I'm not gonna mention what the OTHER hand has a firm grip on. Add THAT one to your nightmare file.

ON THAT NOTE: Hey, it's two years for me *this* week!

I have a feeling this has something to do with my above comment, but I'll let it slide...

I feel like pointing out that two years was actually my "burnout benchmark" back in '94 - and back THEN, I only did ONE hour of television a week! How could I POSSIBLY have been burned out back then?

I remember wrestling in 1994. Thank GOD I lived in Memphis at the time (good LORD, what did I just SAY?!?!)

Well, I *seem* to recall the shows really sucking, but maybe that was just my fuzzy memory...also, I was unemployed and living with my parents, so there you go.

Another place where he leaves himself WIDE open. <Insert CRZ joke here>

AND, FINALLY: Lest you think I'm TOO wrapped up with myself.....hey, I'm not gonna change YOUR mind with words, at least not this week, so... ON WITH THE SHOW!

Hey, that never stopped you from trying before! I might point out here that I actually CUT some of his comments. Believe it or not.

TONIGHT: Live from Los Angeles, Rikishi takes on the Big Show! Euro title on the line as Chris Jericho meets Eddie Guerrero!

And judging by that last match, I KNOW I will like the show! WOO-HOO!!

And, oh boy, the McMahons are in the house and they'll be chatting with us!

Oh, CHRIST. The only thing worse than listening to CRZ talk is hearing Steph.

Another TV-14-DLV ratings box, another year of One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

Closed captioned - Opening Credits

I was kind of disappointed that we didn't get some new credits and such. But then, they would have just been copying WCW.

BOOM! BOOM! SHWOOOOOOOOOM! BOOM! WE ARE LIVE from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, CA 3.4.2K and one question is on everyone's mind - why did Mr. McMahon screw the Rock?

Because he's bisexual and it's in all the WWF guys' contract that Vince gets 'shower priveledges'?

Well, that and why was that Kat fight longer than two minutes?

Because the Kat was wearing that SWEET fishnet body stocking? Say what you will, we saw Kat's ass, we saw Terri's ass, and NO exposed flesh of Mae. Complaints?

SKIPPY walks out to "No Chance in Hell" to begin the evening's festivities. "I would like to publicly apologise to my father, Vince. You see, I have always admired and revered my father in the past. But what happened last night was truly my father's GREATEST accomplishment!

Since he did the same thing to Austin...and Mankind...and HHH...

You see, it made me so proud - I was so proud to be his son - I was so proud to bear the very name 'McMahon' for what my father did.

Personally, I would be proud to bear the name "McMahon" for all the fucking money.

Dad, I just want you to always know one thing - that no matter what, your son will always love you very very much.

Well, that and all the money. And the nice house. And the opportunity to be on TV constantly. And...

And it's because of love that I would like to continue what you started at WrestleMania - you see, tonight... ["ass hole"] ...you see, tonight, if he's up for the challenge, In This Very Ring, Shane O. Mac would like to go one - on one with the Great One himself.

EWWWW - now THAT'S gross. The nightmare file grows by leaps and bounds.

So how 'bout it, Rock? Whaddayasay? How 'bout it Rock, are you up for the challenge? Come on, I wanna know!"

Is there an Alannis Morrisette track on the new CD? One more reason not to buy it. Of course, three million of those reasons are Ice-T and the Method Man.

But instead of the Rock, it's the HAPPY HELMSLEY FAMILY - Stephanie managing to sell the beatdown given her by the Rock last night.

More selling than HHH did all this week!

Shane and H exchanging looks - but Stephanie's going to speak. LUCKY US!!

WINCE...SHUDDER. Steph, baby...shut up and wiggle.

"Shane...I'll never forget or forgive what the Rock did to me last night. I mean, I'm a WOMAN! I'm a hundred and thirty-five pounds

A hundred and fifty with the Wonderbra.

I mean, yeah, I slapped the Rock, but - but he DESERVED it!

Hey, he just asked for a beer, bitch! That's aboot all you're good for!

And - I certainly did NOT deserve the Rock Bottom...

{huge pop}

OR the People's Elbow...

{ENORMOUS pop}

I mean, my back - my neck - my chest is SO sore...

Well, DUH! You've got absolutely NO padding there!

I feel like I've been in - in a skiing accident! Any normal woman wouldn't even be out here right now. ["Slut"]

A normal woman would be getting her husband a beer! And then shutting up and wiggling!

No, Shane, I appreciate your anger and your feelings towards the Rock--"

"...Because all the 'games' Vince used to play would SERIOUSLY screw up any kid..."

"Appreciate this, though - THAT is my wife - yeah, your sister, my wife, my sweet little innocent frail wife

frail, yes.

the Rock put his hands on her, NOW I WANT THE ROCK'S ASS TONIGHT!

OK, when did this turn into the gay porn federation?

No...no, don't get excited, not like that

Oh. Who'd a thought HHH would be the normal one?

not for the World Wrestling Federation championship

UGH! So he DOES want the Rock...THAT WAY! AHHHH!

I've already proved to the world that the Rock can't beat me.

That's Steph's job?

I've already proved to the world that the Rock is not in my league.

HHH, RALPHUS is not in your league. They're all WAY above you. You're somewhere between Ahmed Johnson and Glacier.

But Shane, this is a personal issue - Rock, this is a personal issue. An eye for an eye, Rock. You put your hands on my wife - you hurt my wife - now *I* will hurt YOU.

The WWF now has aboot ten main-event caliber wrestlers. So they continue with THIS feud? Yay. I thought Wrestlemania was the END of the cycle.

Rock, if you have got the guts, man to man, I want your ass.

STOP THAT!

So, Rock, what do you say? Are you a man?"

Obviously, HHH, if YOU want him. (OK, that was the last one of THOSE jokes. Even I'M getting tired of them.)

Crowd: "Rock E!" But "No Chance in Hell" fires up again and out comes BILLIONAIRE VINCE.

That's debatable, after the past week in the market. Hell, MY portfolio is down $50. Imagine Vince's.

Shane makes a puppy dog expression, Stephanie makes a gushy expression, Triple H...well, we don't see him. Vince gives a "c'mere" smile and he and Stephanie are all hugs. Vince turns to Triple H - stares - and there's a handshake. Now looking to Shane - more of the puppy eyes - Shane offers HIS hand...and Vince takes it. Hugs! Hooray! RESET BUTTON!! WHO CARES ABOUT PLOT HOLES YOU CAN DRIVE A MACK TRUCK THROUGH? THIS IS THE WWF!!

See? CRZ's BIASED! If this were WCW, he would have ripped this apart. It's WWF, so he makes excuses. Bastard!

Anyway, Vince grabs the mic. "It appears as though, that, uh, we have a problem here. And that is that ...Triple H, you want the Rock tonight - Shane, you want the Rock tonight - but that's not the match that I had in mind. You see, the match that I had in mind for the Rock tonight (In This Very Ring) one on one was the Rock versus - *Vince* McMahon.

At this point I figured on a handicap match. We got it...kinda.

Now I'm sure many of you would like for me to offer some sort of explanation as to why I scrambled the Rock's brains at WrestleMania. Well, since I don't have to answer, and don't answer to anyone, and all the rest of you do, and since you would like for me to offer some sort of explanation - quite frankly, I'm not inclined.

People are bitching that he only says that because he hasn't thought of anything. I say I don't care. "I did it because I CAN" has always been a good enough heel motivation for me.

Suffice to say, the Rock has a great deal in common with many of you in this arena - many of you in the Los Angeles are - let's face it. Because the vast majority of you are...vain - egocentric - and narcisstic! [I think he meant "narcissistic" - oh well]

I think he meant Lex Luger, actually.

Come on, look around - look around, what you're gonna see is just a bunch of phony people - LOOK AT YOURSELVES! Come on, many of you have fake hair - fake teeth - fake BOOBS - a lot of you have undergone...lipsuction...facelifts...tummy tucks...

At this point, we see a classic reaction shot from Steph, as if to say "Yep. Did that. Done that. Got an appointment for that next week..."

my God, what kind of people are you, you're not real human beings! You're just a bunch of phonies! And I know that some of you are saying 'well, he's just talking about people in the entertainment business - he's not talking about ME.' ["Ass hole"]

Somehow I found this part pretty funny. The head of the largest 'phony sports entertainment' companies in the world, calling people in LA phonies. Not that it isn't true...

I hope our producer has the finger on the bleeper button 'cause I've never been called that word by so many assholes in m(beeeeeeeep -y life).

Vince TOLD the guy he was gonna cuss...and he missed it anyway. Cute.

So you must be saying to yourself, 'Mr. McMahon is not addressing me, I'm not in the ENTERTAINMENT business.' Well, quite frankly, you're probably worse, because since you're not in the entertainment business, that probably means you want to be. You see, you're what we call *bottom feeders*.

I call them waiters and waitresses.

You're waiting for some Hollywood agent to come slithering up out of the commode to make you a star. Well, just as I shattered the Rock's dreams of becoming WWF Champion at WrestleMania, so too are all of your dreams destined to be shattered over and over and over again by wanting to be a star. The Rock, himself, has as much of a chance of becoming WWF Champion again as you do of becoming a big Hollywood star - *no chance in hell*.

I bet a LOT of people in the crowd got pissed at that. THAT'S the funny part.

So therefore, whether it's Shane McMahon vs. the Rock tonight - whether it's Triple H vs. the Rock tonight (nontitle) - or whether it's Vince McMahon vs. the Rock tonight - one of us will attempt to not only defeat the Rock but drive him out of the World Wrestling Federation completely and into a profession he's more suited for - waiting on tables. I thank you very much."

"What would you like to drink?" "Well..." "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO DRINK!!" The comedic possibilities are endless.

Let me see if I can get the gist of the previous segment. Is it something like "Screw you! We don't HAVE to explain the storyline! It doesn't HAVE to make sense! You'll tune in anyway! You're a complete loser and an idiot! Here, join in the chant!"

Actually, that's aboot right.

Zat about cover it, WWF? I'm not gonna tell you it's thinking like that that cost other companies THEIR dominance in the past...

See how biased he is? He's giving ADVICE to the WWF!

Tonight, a European Title Match - Chris Jericho takes on Eddie Guerrero! Hardcore title on the line - WHEN HOLLYS COLLIDE! Intercontinental title on the line as Chris Benoit takes on Tazz! Titans clash when Big Show takes on Rikishi Phatu! We cut from the McMahons leaving the ring to

Hey - I'm on board for all of them. Yes, even Big Slow-Rakishi, since the dancing still cracks me up. Come on, what's funnier than a fat guy dancing?

Backstage, a limo arrives - and the Rock exits it! Wow! He's WALKING! So, like he wasn't even IN THE ARENA when all these challenges were being made? Woof.

That's OK - the announcers will review what happened approximately the same number of times that Ice-T said "pimpin' ain't easy" at Wrestlemania. That is to say, seventy-four million.

Here's a live look at the outside of the Staples Center where it's still daylight....yup.

Well, it was like 2:00 in LA when RAW started, wasn't it?

THAT SLUT CHYNA comes out with her C-2000. Don't eat her like a woman!

And the nightmare file grows again. <Insert 'bazooka' joke here>

CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with That Slut Chyna) v. EDDIE GUERRERO for the European championship - Champ enters first because tradition must take a backseat to the almighty storyline.

Actually, CHYNA entered first.

Jericho gets no mic time but Eddie's got one with him. "Heyheyheyhey! Take it easy, Mamacita! I know you're here really 'cause you want some Latino Heat

I predicted that phrase would catch on, unfortunately. Over/under is two months before the shirt comes out.

I mean let's face it, last night you were practically coming out of your pants at the sight of me!"

One of the lines of the night.

Kudos to Guerrero for being the first guy to make a reference to Chyna's pants splitting and falling apart last night - geez, don't ANY of these PPV recappers NOTICE stuff like that?

Well, I noticed. But I spent the time talking aboot Saturn's lack of a push. I suggested he should feud with Tazz. You can read the review at the POV web page (www.lmao.com/extreme)

"But I gotta set you aside today, 'cause I gotta focus on the European championship - see, I gotta make all my ancestors in *Spain* proud - so, dio Juanito, et Conchita, cousin Pampilla, this one's for you, baby."

If I had the inclination, I would see what "pampilla" means in Spanish. It's probably funny. But I'm too lazy.

Ross: "I thought he was from El Paso!"

Seriously, did Skee-a-vone take over Ross' body this week or what?

Guerrero hits the ring and it's on - punches traded - in the corner, Guerrero with an elbow. Into the opposite corner, Guerreo looks to Chyna, then runs at Jericho, who drops and boosts him into the top turnbuckle. Running lariat. Chop, chop, chop, into the ropes, Guerrero up - and face first down. Powerbomb coming up - Guerrero rolls it through and tries to cover but Jericho rolls through THAT. Guerrero with a clothesline - then a dropkick to the head as he's lying on the mat.

I LOVE that move. Sorry, you won't get much comment from me from the play-by-play. I'm just in this for the smart-ass comments.

Another look at Chyna as we check the Castrol GTX Drivin' Hard Double Feature.

There's another McMahon joke there, but I promised...

Snapmare, Guerrero with a face grind. Into the ropes, up and over, leg lariat by Guerrero. Into the ropes again, HUGE sleeper by Guerrero. Jericho trying to fight it but fading...elbow breaks it, elbow, elboe, into the ropes - Guerrero with an abdominal stretch?

Guerrero's all aboot the submissions. No, I don't know what that meant. But it's better than a poke in the eye.

Now back to the sleeper - Jericho turns into it and suplexes him out. Right by Jericho, eyepoke by Guerrero -

See?

Jericho sent outside - Guerrero follows. We cut backstage where a camera's on the floor of Stephanie's dressing room (?)

No, REALLY. Skee-a-vone's invaded WWF. That's the ONLY explanation.

we cut back very quickly (oops) and back to the match. Jericho's head to the STEEL steps - Jericho manages an elbow, but Guerrero fires back with a right, chop, Jericho chops back, Guerrero chops, Jericho chops, Guerrero runs - the chase is on -

ALL HAIL EDDY, the best Rudo heel in ALL wrestling.

Guerrero stops him with a thumb to the eye and a snapmare. Back in the ring we go - vertical suplex. Guerrero winking at Chyna, who gives the stone face in return.

Dude, that's just her face.

Guerrero going up top - for the frog splash? Well, Jericho gets out of the way, so Guerrero tumbles out of his landing instead, but Jericho catches him in a powerslam. Right, right, chop, into the ropes is reversed, knee by Jericho, running bulldog. 1, 2, no! Chop by Jericho, into the ropes, Guerrero puts up a boot. Off the ropes, Jericho hits a drop toehold and Guerrero collides with referee "Blind" Tim White

Jericho had to try REALLY hard for that ref bump.

and he falls out to the floor! Jericho hits the DOUBLE powerbomb, then springs off the ropes with the Lionsault quebrada - but there's no ref. Crowd chants "1 - 2 - 3" - no dice.

You'd think he'd learn by now. DON'T GO FOR YOUR FINISHER WHEN THE REF IS OUT!

Chyna over to check on White - no movement - so SHE goes in and fast counts a 3 for Jericho. No bell, no music. Chyna raises Jericho's arm, then hits a GUTSHOT (or even lower, maybe)

Well, LORD. What did you expect, with those shoes, I'm surprised she can WALK!

AND DDT! Guerrero placed on top of Jericho, and now she's out to roust White. Over to count - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new European Champion. (5:39) Chyna gives Guerrero the belt - and smiles.

I'm proud to say I predicted this. Unfortunately, I predicted that it would happen SUNDAY night.

And normally, I might be upset aboot Jericho losing his belt the day after he won it. This time, I'm not that upset, strangely enough.

Eddie can't believe it but after they shake their bonbons and hug - yep! Well, at least Chyna can put her fluency in Spanish to good use.

Um...WHAT?

Arm in arm, they are! What? You say it makes no sense? And you call yourself a WWF fan!

Look, I'm all for storylines as much as the next guy, but this IS wrestling we're talking aboot! I'm not asking for War and Peace, just a little explanation and I'll willingly suspend the disbelief. And, no, I DON'T give a fuck why the camera is in the limo with Flair. Why is it around ANYONE in the movies, or TV? Just unclench the butt-cheeks and enjoy the sports entertainment, skippy.

Clearly IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE!! Just say "Latino Heat" six or seven times and you'll forget ALL ABOUT the fact that while Chyna turning on Jericho MIGHT make sense given an awful lot of words, you can't even MAKE that kind of leap to make her joining withGuerrero work!

You know, he's being sarcastic, but he's got the formula DOWN. I mean, come on! Jericho teaming with Chyna made NO SENSE to start with!

WrestleMania encore presentation promo

Back in the dressing room, Stephanie asks Daddy if he's proud of her for being the Women's Champion. Then she turns to a heartfelt plea for Triple H to get the match with the Rock tonight - beside the fact that he's her husband and the WWF Champion, it only seems right that her husband be the one to fight on her behalf. "That's not your job anymore, Dad. I love you. Will you - will you think about it?" "Yeah, I'll think about it." Eww, right on the LIPS!

I SWEAR to you, Vince is gonna do that incest angle if it KILLS him. You read it here first.

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where Chyna went from Jericho to Guerrero - what a slut!

ROAD DOGG & X-PAC (with Tori & "WWF Aggression" ad) v. T&A (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) - Ross sends well-wishes to Bob Clark.

Ah...that's it. JR has been invaded by the soul of Willard Scott.

Dogg rhymes like a ... limes.

The D to the O to the G to the G gets the big MUTE in our house. For that matter, so does the DX music.

If you want to read the play-by-play, go to HIS report...SNIP...

Albert has X-Pac up in the double choke, but Dogg clips him and there's the X Factor! Dogg covers as referee "Blind" Jim Korderas turns back around - 1, 2, 3! (3:35) D & X defeat T & A. Replay of the finish.

I have two things to say aboot this: Test & Albert are a decent team, and Dogg and Pac should take their own lives in the most disgusting manner possible. Or if not, at least get the FUCK off my TV.

Backstage, Kurt Angle talks to Howard Finkel about his loss and general conspiracy victimness. "Kurt, the rules clearly stated that the Champion did not have to get pinned in order to lose his title." "So, what are you saying?" "Well, Kurt, I've got the utmost of respect for you, but quite frankly... you're no longer a champion." "You're right, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. You're right, Howard. Thank you - thank you." Howard walks off...but not too far before Angle storms back into the picture and takes him down Backlund style! "I *AM* A CHAMPION! IT'S TRUE! IT'S TRUE!"

Our Paragon of Virtue...Kirk Angel.

When we come back, Shane tells Vince that Stephanie is wrapping him around her finger like she always does, and HE should be the one to take on the Rock tonight. "All right - I'll work it out."

Feh. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. Thank yew! Enjoy the veal!

"RAW is WAR" is brought to you by FRAM!, 1-800-CAL-LATT, and Chef Boyardee!

TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ v. CHRIS BENOIT for the Intercontinental championship -

I am SO on board with this match, it's not EVEN funny.

Lockup, into the corner, Tazz punches out, Benoit chops, neither men relenting - back to the center, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Benoit, sliding under, Tazz catching him in a head and arm belly-to-belly Tazzplex that see Benoit land RIGHT on his head.

ECW!! ECW!!! ECW!!!

Stomp, right, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Benoit, back elbow, chop, snap suplex, 1, 2, nope. Tazz a former Hardcore champion now. Benoit throws Tazz through the ropes and follows. Hard whip into the barricade, Tazz fires back with a kick, chop by Benoit, open-handed slap by Tazz, chop by Benoit, back into the ring, scoop - and a slam. Benoit off the ropes with an elbowdrop.

Have I mentioned how totally I am DIGGING this match?

Slap, kick, kick, double leg, SHARPSHOOTER! Ross actually calling it that, too!

Although I'm surprised he didn't say something aboot Owen Hart there.

Benoit lets go of the hold. Eh?

Ummm...sorry, I can't explain that one. Have I mentioned that Benoit rules?

Stomp. Into the corner hard, Tazz puts up a boot - drop toehold by Benoit, WAILING away on the back of his head. Kick. Into the corner sternum-first - waistlock by Benoit, reversal, TAZZMISSION! Benoit's going out - and PERRY SATURN is *coming* out -

And I am fucking MARKING out. I predicted this feud in my Wrestlemania report at POV. I am a FUCKING genius.

climbing up to the top - Tazz shoves Benoit into the ropes, crotching Saturn. Tazz over to the corner - HEAD AND ARM SUPERPLEX! Saturn almost DIES trying to get footing to push himself off the top...damn.

That looked bad, I will say. Lots of blown spots on the whole Sunday AND Monday. Weird.

Tazz clotheslines Saturn out of the ring - then finds himself on the wrong end of a German suplex (with bridge).

Called an "overhead suplex" by Tony Ross. Did JR forget his medications this trip? Walgreens can refill those anywhere in the country, you know.

1, 2, 3. (3:21) Benoit and Saturn walk off - Tazz runs up the aisle and puts Saturn in the Tazzmission! Benoit over to beat him off of his man - Tazz shakes it off and runs back again - again going for Saturn...as they brawl backstage...

Oh, MAN. This is gonna be a FEUD. Add to that Benoit/Jericho and I don't give a flying FUCK what's going on in the main event.

Elsewhere, the gay cameraman has AGAIN found his way to Rikishi Phatu's ass. Please, no. Just - no. NO! No. Arrrrgh. And now they're WALKING!

Realize that the cameraman had to be flat on the floor to get that angle. WINCE...SHUDDER.

Hey, notice how this 1-800-CAL-LATT ad doesn't involve the "Ready to Rumble" movie? Yup.

Cause people actually WATCH RAW.

And now, the Castrol GTX Slam of the Week! From last night's WrestleMania, Jeff Hardy hits a twenty foot swanton bomb from a super-high ladder to Buh-Buh Ray Dudley and a table on the floor. Yeah, it's a great spot - but it ain't no FIVE STAR MATCH.

Unfortunately, I have to agree. Contrary to everyone else's opinion in the WORLD, I liked the Benoit-Jericho-Angle match better. Just cause the fucking NIMROD crowd didn't dig it is no reason to think it didn't rule.

Backstage, Shane priases Big Show for his quick exit from the main event last night - well, maybe not like that, but...anyway, Show thinks it's "time for the Big Show to go Hollywood" Rugs will be cut, he's gonna cut loose, and all that. Hey, looks like he's going to take the SNL lead and let loose the goof!

Give credit to the booking, here. They saw an opportunity and followed up. Unlike WCW, who takes an opportunity and buries it as quickly as humanly possible.

MICHAEL KING COLE stands in the ring to introduce the new tag team champions - tonight, EDGE & CHRISTIAN enter through the normal means instead of through the crowd - and walking quite gingerly, at that - almost as if they were SELLING!

Probably had so many bruises they didn't want any fans touching them or anything. Usually a good idea in Cali, anyway.

Edge tells Cole to step off, they'll take it from there. Edge & Christian give a "we're really great" interview - well, Edge talks and Christian punctuates it every now and then with a line like "really, REALLY great" while Edge practices the Bischoffian technique of mouthing along.

Oh, come on, slapnuts! This was a CLASSIC interview! Edge kept trying to talk aboot the match, and Christian kept interrupting with "We WERE really, really great, weren't we?" I think Jericho has been giving interview lessons backstage.

They realise that to have a great match, you need great opponents, and they ask "Matthew & Jeffrey" to please come out. So here's the HARDY BOYZ at the top of the ramp. Christian asks for one more big round of applause and the crowd complies.

As usual, he misses another line of the night; Lawler calls them the "Hardly Boyz". When asked why he called them that, Lawler says "Cause they can HARDLY walk!" Not that this was original or anything, but it was a rare moment where the joke fit perfectly.

Edge: "Hey - don't hang those heads, guys - pick those chins up, young bucks. YOU did a great *JOB* last night." Christian: "There's no shame in being (makes the 'gun' hand signal) SECOND best - or even (makes 3D sign) THIRD best, for that matter."

It goes Eddy...HHH...Edge and Christian. You GO, guys!

As the Hardys make it to the apron, the music starts up and here come THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - as the Hardys turn round to stare at the Dudleys on the ramp, the Blondes waffles the Hardys with their belts and take them down to the floor.

Rule #7 of being a naïve face: Always turn your back on your opponent at every opportunity.

Buh-Buh Ray and D-Von sidestep the carnage and go right for Edge & Christian.

Nice touch.

Christian taken to the outside while Edge gets 3D (Dudley Death Drop) - The Hardys hit the ring

I thought these were the good guys! What are they doing hitting the defenseless ring?

while Christian collects Edge and they run off. All the refs try to separate the four in the ring and have varying degrees of success. The Hardys' theme plays for no apparent reason as the fight is still on - bring on the officials.

This falls under the Malenko/Benoit category: These guys can fight seventy-five million times between now and next year, and I'll SERIOUSLY enjoy every fucking match.

When we come back, the Big Show and Rikishi are NEXT!

With a cameo by the Dancing Cools, I'll bet.

"Don't try this at home" promo

I prefer to call them "Please don't sue us" spots.

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where three tag teams hinted that it wasn't all said and done...yet.

Backstage, Chyna and Eddie are WALKING! EN ESPANOL DONDE SEA DISPONIBLE! They pile into an orange low-rider and drive off...

Man, that's aboot as racially insulting as you can get (without becoming the Filthy Animals, that is) but it was still funny as hell.

v. RIKISHI PHATU (with Too Cool & RAW credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) - Show trying to get his groove on as he enters the ring. In fact, Show's kinda getting excited to see Phatu and Too Cool dance - Phatu giving a quizzical look.

I predicted Big Slow would join in with the Dancing Cools. Ah well.

Show tries to get first attach, but it's blocked. Rights by Phatu - into the corner, big boot up - Show with a clothesline that spins Phatu around. Show playing "guns". Show moonwalking. Show getting light on his feet. Show going for the Wurm - well, a VERY flat version of it, anyway. Crowd going nuts for it. Hoo - hoo - hoo - swinging elbowdrop misses as Phatu's long rolled out of the way.

I thought I was gonna puke when he did the worm - funniest damn thing I have seen on a wrestling show since the "Mr. Rocko" skit. It's too bad Mick's gone, the two would have made a good goofy tag team.

Show runs into a quasi-Samoan Drop.

Hey, YOU try Samoan-dropping five hundred pounds. Bitch.

Phat ass splash. Big stinkeye. Sexay with a trademark cacklin'. Phatu hits a superkick - Show over to the ropes, where Sexay hits a hot shot - referee "Blind" Teddy Long calls for the bell (DQ 1:17) as Phatu hits a SECOND superkick, putting the Show down.

Match? This was actually a MATCH? Da hell you say!

Scotty Too Hotty in - and now he's going to show you the CORRECT way to do the Wurm, culminating in karate chop.

See, now Show knows what he did wrong. Gotta do the chop, not the elbow.

Let's play their music because NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! Show apparently watching all this on the outside - and pondering...

Hello...my name is fred...and I still enjoy the Dancing Cools...{sob}

Wow! It's a door! And it says "THE ROCK!" A DOOR! AN - EXCITING EXCITING - DOOR!

At least Michael Cole isn't in front of it with a concerned look on his face. And the Door gets a bigger pop than most everything on Wrestlemania Sunday.

Vince, Shane, Stephanie and Hunter have gathered. It's the family routine - "whoever draws the short straw gets to face the Rock tonight." Triple H takes a straw - Vince asks Shane if he wants him to pick or if HE wants to pick. Shane says Vince can pick, so he picks - leaving Shane with the short straw. Shane seems less than thrilled that he "won." After he walks off, Vince says "You know, I *really* wanted to face him." Triple H counters with "Oh, me too - but I tell you what, you NEVER let the guy holding the straws pick second!" ...huh?

B) Vince DIDN'T want to face the Rock...so he rigged the drawing, dumb-ass. I thought the funniest thing aboot this segment was that this is the way the McMahons ALWAYS settle disputes!

Back to the ring. "You know, all my life, people have been telling me what a great athlete I am. Hey, I know it's hard for you to believe but people have been tellin' me that I'm the biggest, baddest, meanest competitor in the business today! And it's true!

And he's a two-time Olympic Champ! It's true!

They also say I'm a monster that's completely unstoppable - and you know what? They're right!

Not counting when he gets pinned clean as a sheet after five minutes in Wrestlemania mains.

But there is so much more to me than, that. I mean, you guys must have seen me on "Saturday Night Live," right? And then, you know that I'm a funny guy, right? I'm a talented guy! I'm ENTERTAIIIINING!

You got that right, spanky!

But what I'm trying to say is that there is so much more to me - there's so much more to the Big Show than headbutts and *chokeslaaaaams*. I mean - just ask my fiancee -

I hear she's about five feet tall. He's nuts over her, apparently.

I've got layers upon layers -

Of fat?

sometimes I feel like fighting - sometimes I feel like relaxing - and then sometimes....I feel like DANCIN'.

As I recoil in terror at the thought of Big Show dancing to that Bee Gee's song.

So you boys in the truck...hit the music!" Too Cool's music plays and AWAY HE GOES! Well, he's kinda got it...crowd digs it, chanting "Go Big Show." Ladies and gentlemen, this is the closet we'll ever get to an instant face turn, so there we are.

OH...MY...GOD! I laughed so hard at this that I spit milk out of my nose! And I was drinking Coke at the time! Besides, the only reason Show was a heel is that he didn't like the Rock. Either way, ON BOARD.

Michael King Cole stands backstage with the Rock. "You know, it is amazing. It is truly amazing. With all the great decisions that Vince McMahon has made over his lifetime - the decision to expand the WWF in 1983 - the decision to create WrestleMania in 1985 - the infamous penis implant of 1991 -

Although that was a great line, I kind of pause in wondering WHY the Rock thinks it was such a great decision...

with every single decision you've made, Vince, after last night, with every accomplishment you've made - they all mean absolutely...nothing. Because last night, Vince McMahon, at WrestleMania, when the Rock was down, and you hit the Rock in the head with a STEEL chair not once but twice, and shattered the Rock's dreams - you did it all - the Rock says you made the single worst decision of a lifetime.

As all the online sheep yell "YEAH!!"

And the Rock guaran-damn-tees as sure as tonight the Rock is gonna whip Shane McMahon's candyass, as sure as last night at WrestleMania the Rock Rock Bottomed that slut Stephanie...

To a huge pop.

is as sure as the Rock is gonna make this promise to become WWF ... Champion. If ya smell...what the Rock...is cookin'."

Hey, guess what? With everyone else who's been on TV so far, I don't give a fuck aboot The Rock anymore! WOO-HOO!!

WrestleMania encore presentation ad

Back in the dressing room, the members of Too Cool critique Show's performance - Sexay thought he was horrible, while Hotty was a bit more kind - proclaiming him "pretty good - for a big guy." Sexay piles it on - "that wasn't a worm, that was a whale!"

Yeah, and Jerry Lawler's your father.

CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) v. HARDCORE HOLLY for the Hardcore Championship - Ross reminds us that this title changed hands ten times last night - and they say that the title is devalued!

Funny, I don't hear anyone saying that! At least Brian Knobs (BRIAN KNOBS?!?) has never held it.

Crash strikes, grabs the belt after Hardcore drops it and WAFFLES him with it, then goes outside for plundah. COOKIE SHEET! Cover - 2 . Into the ropes, reversed, facebuster on the sheet by Hardcore. HE goes outside and emerges with a push broom.

He's...he's...he's got a broom. (Sorry...inside joke.)

Broken over the back. Using the stick repeated on him. Now going outside for the fire extinguisher - Crash slides outside - PSHHHHHWAAAA - 1, 2, no.

GOTTA love those fire extinguisher spots.

Rolled back in the ring, Hardcore grabbing a chair - but Crash hits a gutshot and he drops it - a few rights - setting up the chair - Hardcore with a gutshot of his own - vertical suplex coming up - Crash scoots free - front suplex onto the chair - 1, 2, Hardcore kicks out. Off the ropes, clotheslined over the top rope to the floor.

Hey, Netcop! People are never gonna forget "Sparky" Plugg, are they?!

The ACOLYTES comes out as Crash grabs the bell, but Hardcore once again has the candy dish, which he breaks over Crash's head. Bradshaw hits a lariat on Hardcore, then puts him in the ring for both members of the APA (where's Mideon?)

DCCMM.

to work him over - double uranage, and Crash is placed on top - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore champion - and the first four-time champion. (3:02) Crash gives a handshake to each Acolyte to let us know he'd paid them off.

Hey, that was GENIUS. If the finish of the match WAS screwed up at WM, I can't think of a better way to fix it.

As he walks off - he's pummelled from behind by the MEAN STREET POSSE, who - go figure - end up fighting amongst themselves while Holly gets away.

My girlfriend Maria (who, shockingly, joined me watching Wrestlemania AND much of RAW) asked why the Acolytes didn't help Crash. Cause he didn't pay them to.

Apparently, the 24/7 rule...will continue. Man, what was the point of all the title changes if it just ends up on Crash when it's all said and done? "It doesn't matter?" God, this WWF can really get annoying sometimes....

Dude, trying to get meaning out of a WWF storyline is like trying to find a WWF woman without implants. It ain't gonna happen. Just entertain me, give me enough of a story that I can understand WHY these people are together, or fighting, or whatever (i.e. "Big Show wants to be an actor". Works for me.) and I'm happy. That said, the bringing back of the 24/7 rule DOESN'T make sense.

Backstage, Shane dresses for the match - Triple H stops by to offer some advice, but can't think of any that Shane would be able to use, other than "Just watch out. Just remember it's the Rock and be careful."

Again, Slapnuts here glosses over a funny HHH segment (that and St. Louis winning the Super Bowl convinces me the world is gonna end soon).

Yow! Bill Kazmaier looks ready to re-sign with WCW! He can manage that "Big Jakes" guy

HEARD IT! WASN'T FUNNY THE FIRST EIGHTY TIMES!!

One more live shot from the Staples Center - the sun never really seems to go down with the hazy smog in the sky

Backstage, Big Show catches up to Grand Master Sexay. "Hey Brian, can I talk to you for a second? It's cool - it's cool. I just got a question - was my dancing really THAT bad?" "Well - it wa'n't that bad - but then again, it wa'n't that good--" so Show pounds him one, then splashes him through the table he's perched on! Then he grabs the glasses and dreadlocks hat and wears them. "I gotta go take a meeting with my agent - so *I* will catch you later!" Then he mocks Sexay's mocking of his chokeslam - now THAT'S layers!

Tell us, oh one that knows everything, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT IN A STORYLINE?! This was funny, and gave the two a reason to hate each other. You want more than that, go watch Sliders or Deep Space Nine or X-Files or whatever you fucking nerds are watching nowadays.

BALD VENIS v. KURT ANGLE - "Hello, Ladies! You know something, the Big Valbowski--" just got interrupted by the music of his competitor. "This is one of the darkest days in WWF History - if not US History! It's true!

He's right! We didn't get to hear Venis talk! (YES, I'm being facetious)

To lose is one thing, but to lose two titles without being pinned - THAT'S ridiculous. I've received calls from parents telling me that their children were too depressed to go to school today, and quite frankly, I don't blame them!

Kurt Angle kicks ass, have I said that before?

In fact, I'm not sure the WWF will ever survive without Your Olympic Hero as the Eurocontinental champion. In less than 24 hours, I've gone from owning two titles to being forced to wrestle a film star - the lowest form of life there is -

No argument there. Except for bass players for blues bands named Ballinger Park. (another inside joke)

and since I CARE about my body, and since I don't want to taint myself, it's only fair that I wear rubber sanitary gloves."

Maria - who thinks wrestling should be rated TV-S (for stupid) - thought this promo was HILARIOUS.

(snip)

Money Shot...MISSES! Angle PROCURES THE CROSS FACE CHICKEN WING! Venis taps out. (4:15)

Don't get me wrong. That was a good match, and I am as much a workrate freak as anyone - but I don't care aboot the play-by-play.

Shane stretches out - Vince pays a visit, and tells him "I gotcher back - okay?" Shane thanks him and gives him a hug. "Triple H gave me the worst advice - watch everything!" "That's GOOD advice! I got your back..."

They are SO setting up a turn here, on Shane or HHH, one.

Farmclubdotcom is next! NWA reunion - I thought that happened LAST week? Hey, is it REALLY a reunion is *Arabian Prince* isn't there?

I was wondering if I was the only one who noticed that, or if I was imagining it.

And now, the FRAM Trap of the Week - from WrestleMania, last night - Pete Rose tries one more time to take out Kane - and fails. Rose suffers a chokeslam from Kane and a stinkeye from Rikishi Phatu.

It's a "stimkface", actually.

In case you were wondering, WWF Backlash is brought to you by Castrol GTX - and it's 30 April from the MCI Center in DC! And it's sold out!

Hopefully the crowd will care.

THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Paul Barrow) v. BULL BUCHANAN (with Big Boss Man) - Boss Man distracts Kane and Buchanan strikes from behind -

Hey - I'm just glad it wasn't Bossman himself. Bull is not the worst wrestler ever (i.e. he's not Bossman)

(snip)

chokeslam! 1, 2, 3. (1:15) Too late, Boss Man is in - working him over with the nightstick - Buchanan out to help - cuffed to the bottom rope! Buchanan getting in some free shots - Paul Bearer tries a chair to Buchanan but it has no effect - Buchanan takes out Bearer with one right. Chair to Kane's hand, ceasing HIS choke of the Boss Man. With both men laid out, the men in black walk off... Hey, how about a replay? Whack!

Not sure exactly WHAT the point of THAT was, but unlike most people, I'll let it play out before I lambaste it.

The Rock is pacing around - his match is NEXT!

SKIPPY v. LA ROCA - Shane does a Rock impersonation, climbing the corner and inhaling deeply.

Again, that was pretty funny.

BILLIONAIRE VINCE walks out soon after Shane - but referee "Blind" Earl Hebner won't let him into the ring. After a reminder of which one of them has the ability to fire the other, Vince is let into the ring, where he has some words for ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA.

Hey, Lilian. You look good, but let's just say you can only do one thing well with your mouth, and announcin' AIN'T it.

Rock is still in a sprintin' frame of mind as he hits the ring and manages to get a handle on Vince's blazer before he can escape. Ross says the Rock is pissed, and then the censor bleeps out the next few seconds having already missed it. Ah well.

Apparently Russo's infamous "intentional production errors" are making their way into the WWF.

Rock still glaring at Vince, who tries to signal to Shane to jump him from behind - Rock turns around and Shane scatters, Rock outside - the chase is on - and Rock catches him at the top of the ramp, where I expect TREBLE H to emerge any minute now - ah, thank you very much.

Don't feel that good aboot yourself, slappy. MARIA predicted that, too.

Right, right, STEPHANIE ONO is peeking out from behind the curtain as H punches Rock down the ramp and back to the ring. Rock falls to the floor following a KO blow. Hard whip into the STEEL steps. Apparently, Vince has been talking to Hebner this whole time...Rock put back in the ring and the opening bell sounds. Clothesline by Shane - second rope axehandle. Cover, 2. Rock up, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Triple H pulls the top rope and Rock sails outside. H over to get a piece, but Hebner stops him. Behind his back, *Vince* comes over and clotheslines Rock over the commentary table. Got him again - rolled back in for Shane, who pummels away as Hebner continues to talk about the Microsoft decision with Triple H. Ross has told Lawler to "shut up" about fifteen million times this match - funny. Off the ropes, back elbow by Shane. H giving directions - Rock laid on the second rope, and Shane says to Hebner that HE'S got some opinions about the Microsoft decision if he'd like to talk to him - behind his back, Triple H all over the Rock.

Screwiness aside, this wasn't a half-bad match. I still say that the McMahons should have screwed HHH here, though.

Lawler: "Good Lord you complain a lot. Why don't you quit whining and call the match?" Amen brotha!

The irony in that last statement is just OVERWHELMING

Hebner back around, Shane hopping up and down - right hand. Shane with another right. That one actually hurt his own hand. Shane with a flip-flop-and-fly right hand. Shane off the ropes - but Rock catches him in a spinebuster!

I will give the Rock credit (unlike a lot of people) - he DOES a sweet Spinebuster.

People's Elbow coming up? Well, Vince is on the apron - Rock over to give him an overhand elbow, unfortunately taking a piece of Hebner in the process. H is in - PEDIGREE! H trying to raise Hebner while Shane has him covered - could have counted to THIRTY by now. Trademark Hebner count coming up ........ 1................ 2.................. shoulder up! Crowd is strong and loud.

Judging by the crowd reaction, do you understand why I DON'T CARE if the Vince/Rock thing is repetitive? The fans love it, and the WWF is all about the fans. RIGHT?

Vince in the ring with the title belt as Triple H ties up Hebner - Shane holding up the Rock - but he kicks Vince, wriggles free of Shane, right hand - everybody scatters - H hits Rock from behind, then hits a right, kicking and stomping away and even Hebner has to see what's going on by now.

Not Hebner. He can be hit by a dust mite and be out for an hour.

So H turns around and shoves him to the mat. Standing on Rock's neck, choke, repeated rights, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, H holds on - so Rock pulls him into ROCK BOTTOM! Cover, leg hooked, Hebner counts 1, 2, 3! (5:20) Ummm, Triple H wasn't the opponent.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THE OPPONENT WAS!! Seriously, it was a stupid, overbooked finish, but the crowd ate it with a spoon. Not that it makes it right: I STILL think this whole storyline has been putrid since the wedding. But the fans love it, so we get it.

Also Rock shouldn't be posing with the belt so as to confuse the fans into thinking he's won it again. Oh well, who cares.

THIS from the guy who thought the HHH-Steph wedding angle was brilliantly thought-out, well-executed, and ACTAILLY MADE AN IOTA OF SENSE!

Credits are up, one last WWF logo and we'll see ya Thursday...if not tomorrow!

Yay.

I hate to sound like a WWF apologist, but really. Wrestlemania was a GOOD show. It wasn't as good as I expected, but that would have been difficult. And it really chaps my ass to hear people bash a show because "The matches were too long" or "The crowd was dead" or "The face ALWAYS wins" just because their beloved Mick Foley or butt-buddy The Rock lost.

As always, I am fred, and if you were offended by this, then YES, I was referring to you.