BEYOND THE MAT: I saw it Sunday - there were a dozen people in the theatre with me, but that might have had something to do with the fact that it was 2:30 in the afternoon on a beautiful spring Sunday. It's a good flick, but I can see why it didn't get nominated - "too much Blaustein in a film that was supposed to be about a non-Blaustein topic" is the short version of my reason. I'll try to talk about it when I'm not running so late.

You know, that's a pretty good quickie review. Funny that there are TWO wrestling movies out aboot goofy fans following their idols around the country, eh?

WCW logo - what quacks and limps?

Oh...wait! I know! Hulk Hogan? (For those of you who didn't read my 'What I Learned from Hollywood Hogan' article, written under the Fred World Order name, you can find said article on the webpage above. It's LONG, but it's probably my best work ever.)

The helicopter view! The rooftop view! It's Spring Break! It's World Championship Wrestling! It's rated TV-14-DLS! It's ... Monday Nitro!

Ya think Sting will repel down from the helicopter this year? Nah, me neither. Faced with having to wrestle for two more years in WCW, he might just pull the release and do a header onto the turnbuckle. Send all hate mail to mdegeorge@talx.com. I will ignore it with due alacrity.

Here's a graphic confirming it

You mean Skee-a-vone's hyperkinetic yelling wasn't enough?

PYRO and close captioning logo welcome us to South Padre Island, TX 27.3.2K LIVE on TNT and via simulwebcast at tnt.turner.com! (So says the graphic - I have a sneaky feeling that with my three hour West Coast tape delay, I've already missed it)

I didn't hear it either, but I can pretty much GUARAN-damn-TEE you didn't miss a THING. Personally, I spent much of the first hour of Nitro on the phone with my girlfriend, so I was spared much of Tony. Of course, during the second hour I watched RAW. I may be stupid, but I'm no fool.

This IS the SPRING BREAK OUT! Who will break out of WCW THIS week?

{offering up silent prayer} PLEASE let it be Booker T! Please?

GENE O. stands in the ring ready to bring on...well, who knows.

I'm disappointed in you, Chris. No comment on Gene's "you're proud of those, aren't you?" comment? Had to be the funniest thing Gene Mean has ever said, aside from his hamburger commercials.

KIMBERLY comes out instead. Maybe he was bringing on DDP?

Obviously either Chris cheated and didn't WATCH the show, or he was up awfully late last night recapping.

Anyway, Kimberly's wearing a swimsuit that reminds us all that Vince Russo is back once again, as well as one of those waist things that all the pornstars wear.

God bless Kimberly. Man, and I thought Katarina Witt had a nice ass... The funny part here is that, on RAW, during the GTV Kat-Terri skit, USA blurred out Stacy's ass. (That's the Kat, for those of you lucky enough to NOT be in Memphis)

She ALMOST trips once she's on the apron but catches herself.

That's because she was hopped up on goofballs that night.

"Gene, Gene, you know there's only one person capable of making this introduction.

Wait...I'm good at this...Edd "Kooky" Byrnes?

From the Jersey shore, the former TWO-TIME ...

She tries to get the crowd to sing along. It doesn't work cause the catchphrase sucks.

world heavyweight champion...the master of the Diamond Cutter. And the self-proclaimed King of Ba-da-bing, DDP - DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE!" Geez, is she on DRUGS or something? Is she trying to pick up two or three accents?

She obviously had been doing some serious jamming that afternoon, cause she was sauced like a plate of Hooter's wings. Not that there's anything wrong with that. In fact, add a vat of pudding and Kim would have fulfilled one of my recurring fantasies.

Okerlund calls Craig Kilborn "Craig Clayborne," and it all goes downhill from there.

Yeah, right. Like it started at such a lofty plateu.

Page proclaims his head "right," says "Good Gawd," sucks up to the fans, tells us that he ruptured his L4 and L5, but when he comes back, his back will be jacked.

Wasn't he OUT cause his back was jacked? And if his head was 'right' wouldn't he be in Houston?

He shills "Ready to Rumble," repeatedly referring to it as "Wayne's World" for some reason.

Remember, they're in front of a bunch of drunk college students. Comparing it to Wayne's World was a good thing at that point. As long as it's not Wayne's World 2. MAN, did that suck.

The world premiere is 5 April at Mann's Chinese theatre - WCW will be there as there's nothing better to do that week.

Yeah, let's cancel all our revenue-producing activities and go to a media event that four people will care aboot. Bischoff is already making his mark, apparently.

Page says his next role will be to be the best three-time, three-time, three-time World Heavyweight Champion ever.

Hey, now that Bischoff's back, that's entirely possible. Did anyone else notice the...coincidental...timing of Page's return? Just curious.

JEDOUBLF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET

I love that. I STILL refer to him as that. Drives my girlfriend's son crazy.

interrupts proceedings, says "Slappy," proclaims HIMSELF the only star around here,

He's not that far off.

reminds us that he IS the Chosen One,

Noone has ever answered this question: the Chosen WHAT?

promises to crash the party on the fifth,

REALLY!?! WOW!!! I'm DEFINITELY going to see the movie NOW! Bischoff is a GENIUS!!

and asks Page to choke on that 'cause he's a slapnut. Page promises Jarrett will see stars on the fifth.

Courtney Cox (and her nipples) will be there, apparently.

Crowd pops because Kim lifted up her sarong.

And we all love her for that.

WCW Spring Break-Out is brought to you by Tough Actin' Tinactin and TracFone!

Does anyone else find it funny that WCW is sponsored by Athlete's Foot medicine? Poetic justice if ever there were.

Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and ROB VAN DAM (hey, if ECW isn't #2, why are you stealing ECW mannerisms?),

Because he's a worthless fat fuck who can't think of anything original on his own. (Except for 'destroys everything within a 20-foot radius). Any questions?

and strangely enough, the most prominently displayed sign proclaims "I WISH I WAS AT RAW!!"

That's not strange in the least. The funny part was the security guy, who didn't want to confiscate the sign on camera, who kept trying to get the other people to move THEIR signs so it covered that one. Smooth.

***arawsign

Tonight's feature match: Sting & Vampiro against Team Package in a Tejas Tornado match.

And we care...WHY, again?

Tony proclaims this past week one of the most exciting weeks in the whole of history and reveals that Brad Siegel, the president of Turner Entertainment Networks as well as WCW (wink) brought back Eric Bischoff as the head of Creative (wink) and also he was interested in bringing back Vince Russo (wink) - Russo hasn't decided yet, but some time tonight we'll find out! (wink)

Rule #2 of Wrestling. If they say the name, the deal is done. I STILL wonder how the 90% of the viewers (all seven of them) who aren't on the net take this news.

Here's A Special Video Look at Hogan at the Tower Records in Chicago - I can't help but notice we didn't see ANY shots of any throngs of people, or long lines, or anything - are they only leaving it to our imagination?

I noticed this as well. The least they could have done was have a security guy lead a bunch of uninterested kids PAST him like a tour guide at a dinosaur exhibit, like they did before Havoc last year.

They did this, you see, because they needed to spend more time with clips of Mancow and Jimmy Hart. Mancow and Jimmy Hart. And now there's going to be a match between the two at Spring Stampede. Mancow and Jimmy Hart. Sure is windy, huh?

Seriously, aside from Howard Stern mentioning him once in a while, has anyone EVER heard of this guy?

Backstage, three guys we've never seen before talk about hitting the beach

Hey! Come on! What did the beach ever do to them?

Paisley interrupts, saying the Artist is searching for his next challenger and as Candido and Guerrero were unworthy,

OH, the irony.

he's picking one of these nobodies instead. An eeny-meeny-miney-mo later, an opponent is picked. I'm not gonna tell you that's Mike Modest, you'll probably find out later.

And most people don't care, but that could apply to most of the show.

Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Today as Scott Steiner hits on some hooches

HE'S NOT GAY! REALLY! SEE, HE LIKES TO FUCK WOMEN! NOT GAY AT ALL!

then Jarrett and the Harrisses got him to walk to the beach. Or something. I dunno.

Made no sense live (on tape...) either.

Oh boy! 1-800-CAL-LATT

I'm almost ashamed to say I like that gag.

contest to win a trip to Slamboree and watch "Ready to Rumble!" Know what the second place prize is? TWO airings of "Ready to Rumble!" Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Enjoy the veal! But seriously, don't you think they'd advertise "If you call 1-800-COLLECT we'll make you go to Slamboree"? It'd spike 1800-CALLATT sales, I would think.

Local spot hypes ...WWF Armageddon? Ummm, that was three months ago! Somebody at AT&T Cable is on some serious crack.

Obviously Chris doesn't deal with AT & T on a regular basis or he'd have known that already.

Oh boy! Knicks/Kings tomorrow! My depression can CONTINUE! I hope they lose the lead to a free throw like they did Sunday...damn that Shaq and his diabolical free throw-making ability!

DA HELL? Did I walk into a negative reality inversion and miss it? Your team lost because Shaq Willie made a free throw? DAMN, that's cold. That's like Hogan telling someone they have no wrestling ability.

Close captioning where available sponsored by America (ha) Online!

Sorry, I never did get that one.

Gene O. stands with Booker

NOT the evil midget Kevin Sullivan!! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sorry, just had to get a dig on Sullivan in somewhere. Hey, Kev? You know Benoit's got baby pictures up on his website!

Heavy D apparently has a shoulder injury, so the Harris Boys won't be giving a tag team title rematch to he and Kidman. He schooled Kidman on the game or something.

Don't worry, Chris. I never understood what Booker was saying either. Just go with a "Now can you DIG IT" and let it go at that.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Starburst Hard Candies! Feel the BURST!

There's a joke there somewhere...

(with Paisley) v. MICHAEL MODEST (already in the ring) for the World Cruiserweight championship - before the match starts, some more music plays and...whoops, false alarm I guess.

Apparently Leathers is back to those intentional mistakes.

Lockup, side headlock, chainwrestling,

Say WHAT? Oh, yeah, it's a CW match. Sorry.

Modest reverses, arm wringer by Artist, standing heel kick. Artists yawns,

Obviously yawns ARE contagious. No surprise the artist yawned because the entire crowd had been doing that all night.

Modest clotheslines him. Gutshot, into the ropes, reversed, kick by Artist - ANOTHER big clothesline by Modest.

I figured CRZ would mention it, but I guess I have to. Isn't this guy one of the two who got a WWF tryout in Beyond the Mat? You know, with the promoter who looked like Kevin Smith and Mark Madden's love child?

Right, right, right, into the corner, Artist up and over - nobody - Modest with a T-bone suplex.

I was on the phone with my girlfriend at the time and wasn't paying much attention to this match. It was pretty obvious, though, that the WWF missed out on this guy.

I keep typing "Modesto" and I don't MEAN to but it IS my adopted hometown.

And we all know CRZ has never (and Fred means NEVER) typed the word 'modest' before.

Modest with a ten punch countalong - "kiss my ass" motion, Artist runs into a clothesline. Whip into the corner, Artist flies over the top rope to the floor. Modest goes outside but Artist goes to the gut, then to the eyes. Ringpost shot blocked, Artist tastes the STEEL steps.

Ummm....sorry. Nothing to say. Although I should mention that Modest will probably have been seen by more moviegoers than DDP by the time both movies go to video.

Both CHAVO GUERRERO JNR & "HARD KNOX" CHRIS CANDIDO are out as Artist is rolled back in. Kick by the Artist, kick, scoop - and a tie to the Tree of Woe - running knee! Is that his way of saying "hi" to Kevin Sullivan?

I figured it was his way of sucking up to him for getting the title in the first place.

Sid Vicious isn't here but he's put a $500K bounty on Hogan - hooray!

I'll add a sawbuck to that. And my everlasting devotion to whomever takes out the Orange Goblin. But he has to die, painfully and messily. That's my rule.

Artist whips Modest into the corner and he hits his trademark "back of my neck to the buckle" landing

I have NO idea what that means.

belly-to-back suplex gets 2. Chavo and Paisley having a discussion

Chavo just wants a beer. Bitch needs to get back in the kitchen. Send hate mail to mdegeorge@talx.com.

as Modest reverses a whip and hits a running "great move" for 1, 2, no! Samoan Drop by Artist - 2. Chavo and Paisley on the apron

This ref must be new. You know rule #6 of wrestling: when a second gets on the apron you MUST immediately ignore EVERYTHING else and devote your attention to them.

Candido watching from afar. Modest into the ropes - collision with Guerrero. Candido decides to go after Guerrero here

Which makes PERFECT sense...if you're smoking huge bowls of crack. Oops, Candido was, wasn't he?

Modest watches this and Artist rolls him up for 2. Modest kicks him out, and he collides with *Paisley* who falls into Candido. Got him in position - no, Modest has him...hey, what's that thing called? Running reverse cradle Death Valley Drop brainbuster?

It's the "I'm gonna steal that". Actually, I hear he calls it the "Kryptonite Krunch" which makes NO sense...

Oh, NOW they tell us it's a nontitle match. That would have been a good thing to tell us A LITTLE EARLIER THAN 1, 2, 3. (3:42)

Why bother? It's not like the fans are important or anything. WCW should have taught us at LEAST that by now.

Now, friends, if you want this to be taken as a huge colossal monumental upset, PERHAPS you MIGHT have considered TALKING ABOUT THE MATCH DURING THE MATCH. Of course, the nimrods with the headsets spent the whole match talking about Bischoff, Russo, Vicious, Hogan, and everything BUT the match, so who gives a crap?

Why should we bother to care aboot this? HOGAN is here, for crying out loud!!

And they wonder why nobody cares! The only person calling this match is me!

And we love you for it, Chris. Oh, no, wait. No we don't.

Gene O. talks to the Harrisses - Heavy D tells us he injured his shoulder pressing Midajah after Thunder.

There's a joke THERE, too. Maybe "his arm was lodged in to the elbow and he wrenched it trying to get it out"?

Big Ron says he'll have no problems taking on Booker later tonight, now can u dig that.

(raises hand) um...I have a problem with that...

"Ready to Rumble" promo - I think the most unfortunate thing about the fact that Nitro and Thunder will be pre-empted next week is that INSTEAD, we'll get FOUR hours of "Ready to Rumble" infomercial in their place. Fortunately, no one will be watching them, so it won't matter.

Hey, no one's watching NOW, so...

Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (NO Randy Savage), Judge Wapner's Cash Scam and Targon mouthwash

Randy who?

Spring Break Out 2000 is brought to you by - do you remember? Yes! Tough Actin' Tinactin and TracFone!

And I promise, as a result, to NEVER EVER buy either of those products ever again. It's been a year and I haven't bought any Cinn-A-Burst, so it shouldn't be that hard.

Here's A Special Video Look Complete With Wacky Sound Effects at the Beach. Wow, it's so crazy and wacky! What fun it is to be a production assistant on these shoots! Wheee! Funny how they never give us a really WIDE view to gauge the crowd and turnout, isn't it?

They did that when MTV did their sports thing in Memphis, too. That's cause more people were watching the USFL at the time. And the USFL had been defunct for over 10 years.

Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart arrive at a hotel - Vampiro emerges from a shadow and tells Hogan he needs to chat at him for a moment...

I have to always hold this against Vampiro...he's been a Hogan fan his whole life. No wonder he's so fucked up. I can proudly say that I have NEVER...EEEEEEEEEEVER been a Hogan fan. Hmmm...but I'm still fucked up. Curious.

Torrie Wilson has the centerfold of the WCW Magazine.

{drooooooollll....} Friends and neighbors, there is NO WOMAN in the WORLD hotter than Torrie. Mark Madden is right about THAT. I guess it had to happen eventually.

BOOKER v. BIG RON HARRIS (with Heavy D) - once and for all, if you can't tell them apart, learn NOW: Big Ron is the GOOD LOOKING one.

I would try, but seeing how I really don't CARE. All I know is that their tattoos are reversed. But then again, the Villanos had different NUMBERS on their tights and no one could supposedly tell THEM apart, either.

Booker all over Harris to start - Don gets a distraction, Booker turns around and Ron punks him out.

Batsard.

It IS funny seeing the Harris Boys in jeans shorts, I'll grantcha.

I guess with Hart gone, WCW had to up their jean shorts quota. No, I don't know what that means either.

PLEASE STOP BULLSHITTING US ABOUT RUSSO & BISCHOFF, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE. If they were such hot shit, why were they fired? Please.

Well, in Russo's case, it was because Bill Busch is a fucking MORON.

You have ALL the answers. Just give me that one. Just give me THAT ONE. If they are such hot shit, and they're going to turn this company around, if they are going to lead WCW back to the promised land, if they are as truly great as the commentators INSIST on going ON and ON and ON about - how come EACH man needed a second chance?

I LIKED Russo's work at the time. Sure, he gave us TAFKA PI and Ron & Don Harris, but his storylines make SENSE and his booking is not crack-inspired. And Bischoff was just getting too big of a head for his own good. The time off MAY have given him a reality check. That said, I agree with CRZ (DAMN MY EYES!) that this new cadre is doomed to complete and utter failure. But it should be a SPECTACULAR failure.

JEDOUBELF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET comes out, distracts referee "Blind" Nick Patrick, Don comes in and axehandles Booker (see, it was all a brilliant, clever ruse)

Ruse, yes. It was neither brilliant nor clever. Eddy's 'milking' of his injury in the WWF recently was clever. He kept the sling on when he obviously didn't need it. Subtle. Subtle. Now WHERE have a heard THAT before? Oh, yeah. NOT in WCW.

one H bomb later,

I hear the H-bomb destroys everything within a 20-foot radius.

Harris has the pin. Nobody's a Booker fan, anyway, though, right? (1:40)

It's not aboot wins or losses anymore! Jeez, can't you see that? (The preceding was HEAVY sarcasm.)

Out come HARLEM HEAT

Harlem Heat 2000. So named because that's what Ahmed weighs now.

to beat on Booker. Booker manages a brief comeback (nice standing double dropkick)

Booker has the sweetest moves EVER.

until Kash hits a uranage on Booker. BILLY KIDMAN provides little help and gets press slammed.

Get it? "Little" help? HAH!

Booker brings in a swivel chair to clear the ring. This entire segment was depressing.

Dude, it's WCW.

Vampiro tells Hogan and Hart (and this cameraman) that there's a bounty on his head. If only Hogan had been watching TV earlier! Hogan says it looks like a long night ahead...brother, you don't know the HALF of it.

See, NOW you're getting it. I think Vampiro was making a deal with Hogan to use his creative control (as in, power over the booking, not the Harrissess) to let him WIN once in a while.

And did anyone else read the interview where Hogan claimed he NEVER used his control to change the outcome of a match? Yeah, and I've done Torrie and Kim both together.

GENE O. promises an electrifying moment ahead

Since when people hear who's coming out, they will stick their fingers in light sockets to end the torment.

and brings out YOU KNOW WHO. Riki Rachtman and Mike Tenay are bringing the enhanced Webcast - hmm, that's a tough call.

Kind of like "do you want your skin flayed off or would you rather have eighty million paper cuts?"

Gene starts out with "I want to thank you for bailing me out last week," and I ponder the symbolism.

Every once in a great while, Gene Mean gives us a nice laugh. Even more infrequently, he does it purposely.

Okerlund brings up the bounty and Hogan gets all eighties on us.

"He gets all Hogan on us" would have done just fine.

Jimmy Hart is being massaged by four nurses in bikinis or something. Sid Vicious is mean and nasty and probably stinky, too.

Not to mention has a bad perm. Oh, and can't interview. And doesn't wrestle worth a shit.

Hogan says he'll put up five hundred grand of his own money to bring out Sid Vicious tonight - oops, sounds like they're giving away the main event and clearing up the PPV slot.

Nah, sounds like they just want to give WWF huge ratings two weeks in a row.

For an encore, Hogan proclaims Vampiro the "wrestler of the future." To Hogan, that means "Vampiro's the guy I want jobbing to me next."

It's kind of like when Hogan proclaimed Flair to be THE MAN a few months ago. I SHIT ON YOUR FLASE MODESTY, YOU MOLDY ORANGE PIECE OF SULLIVAN DUNG!

The momentum Vampiro has is kinda like the way Hulkamania started out...huh?

Now THAT'S an insult.

He's gonna chop Sid Vicious down with the edge of his hand.

Hogan learns a new move? I'll believe THAT when I see it.

The music of THE WALL plays and we see him standing on top of the hotel and giving the international sign of the chokeslam. Hogan, ever astute, says "That's the Wall!"

No, Hogan, that's a hotel. (Oh COME ON. SOMEBODY had to make that joke.)

Hogan says he'll put another half million on top of the bounty - he calls out the Wall so he can kick his ass. How'd the Wall get the spotlight operator to find him, anyway?

This was by FAR the most absurd thing I have seen on TV in a LONG time. I thought The Wall was Blue Meanie at first, with those glasses on.

MIKE TENAY stands with the Mamalukes and their manager.

I like these guys. I REALLY do. I just wish they'd get the hell out of their gimmicks.

They're unhappy that he hasn't gotten them a shot a their tag team titles and instead signed them a match against the Jung Dragons. Disco says after they win tonight, there's no WAY the Executive Committee can ignore them...

Well, since the Executive Committee doesn't, you know, actually EXIST...

Meanwhile, the Harris brothers see Vito and Johnny call them (some Italian word) and express disapproval...

I miss the FBI. The least WCW could do is have Johnny hail from "Parsipphany, Italy" or something.

See WCW while you can - Thursday in Baltimore, Friday in Pittsburgh! Tix on sale Friday for Tallahassee, Albany (GA), Columbus (GA), and Macon!

Great seats still available! Hell, you can probably get second row!

Oh boy! Another "Ready to Rumble" promo!

Advertising a movie no one will see on a show no one watches. Only in WCW.

JUNG DRAGONS v. MAMALUKES & DISCO INFERNO - Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where the Dragons made off with the infamous Green Circles, which will hopefully explain tonight's performance of "Can't Get You Out of My Heart" in Japanese by the Dragons.

I can't decide if that's creative or just plain stupid. Wait - it's WCW. It's Stupid.

Kaz delivers his lines with at least as much soul as, say, Suzi Q.

Nah, I prefer Ho-Ho's myself. Although Choc-o-diles are good too.

During this match we learn that Vince Russo has agreed "to join Eric Bischoff at the helm of Creative." Schiavone proclaims this "the single biggest bit of information, biggest news we've had in the entire year - maybe for the last couple of years in World Championship Wrestling." Make the joke about wrestling and long memories here.

OK...not as big as the news that the nWo would be able to challenge for any belt, any time. Or the news that DDP got a mysterious benefactor. Or...ah, fuck it.

Schiavone drones on and on about Russo and Bischoff, completely ignoring the fact that the HARRIS BROS come out and totally screw up this match brawling with the Mamalukes.

The Harrisses screw up ANY match they are involved in, dude!

Finish sees Yang and Jamiesan come off the same top turbuckle with a splash/guillotine combo onto Disco

The Japanese Rolling Thunder, apparently. Or Kamakazi Tidal Wave. Surprising Madden didn't name it, seeing as he's a huge ECW fan and all. And when I say huge ECW fan, I don't mean he likes them a lot.

Jamiesan covers for the pin (5:14) and then the Harrisses beat up the Dragons just to keep us from thinking they're playing favourites. Double H bomb!

What he fails to mention is the H-Bomb sucks normally. Here it ABSOLUTELY SUCKED.

Team Package is WALKING!

It's amazing the Package CAN walk. Hell, after all those steroids, it's a miracle he can move at all.

Sting and Vampiro are WALKING! Damn Mike Tenay - it looks like "Brothers in Paint" is starting to stick...

It made more sense when it referred to Sting and the Road Warriors. Or Sting and Warrior.

1-800-CAL-LATT/"Ready to Rumble" ad #2

Hey look, it's the NITRO GRRLS! And the TV-14-DLS ratings box!

Hey, look! RAW'S on!

THE MAN and THE NARCISSIST (with Liz) v. VAMPIRO & (THIS IS) STING in a Tejas Tornado match

And they're actually IN Texas, which is a shocking bit of logic for WCW. I'm impressed.

Let Us Take You Back to Last Monday and show you how these four shook out. Vampiro and Sting rush Team Package in the middle of Package's posedown - Sting and Package go up the ramp and out of the picture.

Wasn't Uncensored supposed to be the LAST time we'd see them fight? Come on, there are, like, eight million wrestlers in the world today. You'd think they could get SOMEONE else for Sting to fight except Hogan, Flair, or Luger.

In the ring, Vampiro hits a Ten Punch Count Along. FLAIR FLOP! Flair gets in a kick and a chop. Package and Sting are at the hotel - and near the swimming pool. Thank GOD somebody's going in the water - if they killed THAT tradition there'd be NOTHING left.

It's kind of sad when that's the only tradition you have left. Well, that and Hogan screwing everybody over. But that'll NEVER end.

Back to the ring, arm wringer by Flair. Back to the pool - nope, nothing happening here. Liz had some sort of spot but blew it, I guess. She kinda threw up her hands and walked off - BACK BODY DROP INTO THE POOL! Who had Total Package in the betting pool?

Actually, I was kinda hoping for Torrie. Mmmmmmm...wet Torrie.

Sting is after Liz (YEAH! PUT HER IN THE POOL!) but Package is out and on Sting - cue the Clueless Waiter - WHAT ACTING! Package pushes HIM in the pool.

Finally, the Rock has come BACK to Playstation. Oh, wait. Wrong hotel.

I think there was a figure four in the ring but we missed it.

Hey, no one watches WCW for the wrestling, do they? If they do, they probably buy Playboy for the articles, or WOW magazine...period.

Sunset flip by Vampiro for 2. Back to Sting & Package - nope, nothing happening here. Elizabeth tries once again to throw...SOMETHING...at Sting - no effect. Package to the guacamole and salsa!

Hey! Add in oversize boxing gloves and you've got "The Grudge Match"!!! YEAH!! Grudge match RULED!

WANT FRIES WITH THAT, PACKAGE? WAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - please kill me.

Ah, but who would provide the recaps? (More sarcasm...)

Figure four by Flair in the ring, but we're not watching the ring. Sting warns Elizabeth to stay back - Luger flips random fans off the dock and onto the sand.

Random is the word...

Elizabeth and Charles and giving signals but it's hard to hear. Elizabeth finally manages to do some damage, breaking a bottle (I think on Sting).

Does it really matter at this point?

Package goes to the surfboard. I mean, like, LITERALLY. HE HITS HIM WITH A SURFBOARD. Hey I saw a boom mic in that shot!

See, what did I tell you aboot Leathers? He's been passed over for Bischoff's job TWICE now. It's scary to think of the production errors we're gonna get.

Back to the ring, oh IT DOESN'T MATTER what happens in the ring so let's go back to the beach!

CRZ...Rock's biggest fan.

Package with a right, another right, Sting's in the ocean - BACK BODY DROP IN THE OCEAN! PILEDRIVER IN THE OCEAN! Charles Robinson leaps to the water - 1, 2, 3! (5:25)

I'll give them credit, the ocean spots were kinda cool.

Back in the ring, it looks like Vampiro must have jobbed.

Hey - he's with Sting now. He's gonna lose from now til Starrcade.

Sting's not done - bell clap! Clothesline! IN THE OCEAN! Tony has fifteen simultaneous orgasms.

Now THAT is THE most disgusting thing I have heard in my entire life.

"The producers" catch up with Booker to his reaction to Bischoff and Russo's return. Booker says they need to talk to the asskissers. Booker refers to himself as "Booker T." Hmmm.... "As far as Bischoff - as far as Russo - do your job, man."

This all really bothered me. Why should Mark Q. Fan CARE what the wrestlers think aboot the new Creative guys? Ah, wait. It's WCW.

Promotional consideration paid for by America (ha!) Online, 1-800-BAR-NONE, and that movie with the kid who sees dead people

Hogan made a biography?

Tinactin and TracFone could have probably found a better event to sponsor, but their marketing guys were REALLY lazy

The Festival of Shoe Horns was taken, so I think they settled for the next best thing.

now let's have some more EXCITING clips of PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Fun loving young people repeatedly exclaim "Tough Actin' Tinactin!" Umm, do you want to drink out of a sports bottle with a FOOT REMEDY on it? The connotations alone...

You know, he DOES have a point.

The Castrol GTX replay is of the back body drop to the pool, the guacamole shot, what the hell? What's the Vampiro thrust kick doing in there? It's not involving food or water! Ahh, piledriver in the ocean. I feel better. This replay DRIVES HARD!

As does Pat Patterson, I hear. Sorry. When in doubt, go for the Patterson joke.

Gene O. stands with Terry Funk who promises incomprehensibility and drunkenness - no, wait...

Gene should know.

THEMONSTERMENG (fro in full effect, yo) v. LA PARKA - this matchup could very well be a main event IN ANY ARENA IN THE COUNTRY.

The sad thing is, I'd prefer it over any given WCW PPV main event. ALL HAIL LA PARKA!

Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where Meng and Abbott had a brief scuffle until Security broke 'em up.

Because GOD FORBID we have fighting on a wrestling show.

Now Let Us Take You Back To Nitro where we see La Parka lose to Fit Finlay.

Lovin that La Parka push. Eh...yeah...

What'll he say next? "Skull captain's in the hizzouse - the chairman of the baord is livin' large on Spring Break! And you don't NEED the 411 when you got the 1-4-1-4, 1-4 me and 1-4 for my Homiez!" Parka pulls the mic away but the Voice continues. "I ain't done talkin' yet! Hey Jungle Jim! I'm gon' give you one chance to step off 'fore I knock the kinks outta that Angela Davis lookin' natural you got goin'!" Parka puts the mic down and tries to step on it.

The joke here is that's not REALLY La Parka's voice. But think aboot it. La Parka has the VO done cause he can't speak English, let alone jive. So HOW THE FUCK DOES HE KNOW WHAT THE VOICE IS SAYING!?!?! The epitome (pronounced "ep-eh-tome", not "e-pit-o-me", of course) of WCW logic.

Parka gives a few good shots, but he's angered theMonsterMeng. See, he DOES know English!

Point for CRZ. Although we should have known that from his eloquent, moving performance in those Little Caesar's commercials last year.

Anyway, referee "Blind" Billy Silverman takes an errant backhand, Parka wields the chair - but it has little effect. TONGAN DEATH GRIP! 1, 2, 3! (:52)

Sigh. Poor La Parka. Please tell me how it gets Meng over as a badass to beat someone who has lost to the entire locker room? What, next he beats up on Berlyn?

Hey, it's YEAHBABY TANK YEAHBABY ABBOTT but before he can hit the ring,

Tank is such a punk, taking advantage of an innocent ring like that.

FIT FINLAY gets HIM some of Abbott. SECURITY tries to pull them apart...and succeeds.

So...apparently, in this segment, the point was to get security over?

GTV--err, the KidCam catches Buff Bagwell puttin' the moves on ...I guess they're the NWO women. They're quite happy to take him up on his offer to dry them off from top to bottom.

Well...yeah. They're WHORES!

We cut to the NWO dressing room where they're watching on the monitor. Scott Steiner says something that gets muted

NO - Steiner? REALLY? Never saw it coming.

the other three men try to stop him...

We saw this feud at Starrcade 1998. It was much better then because Buff, you know, CARED.

Fit Finlay says that Bischoff & Russo have a good track record, and these are the guys who can sort it out. "I'm a team player as far as this business is concerned, and I'll back them all the way." First of all, after hearing THAT line of corned beef, I guess those stereotypes ARE true about Irish guys and drinking, and second of all, Finlay SHOULD have said "when are they teaming me back up with David Taylor and Doc Dean?"

I still say that this "ask the guys how they feel aboot creative" is a bunch of horseshit. Second, that's not the worst idea I've ever heard...

Cheap Bastard Jimmy Barron files his 1-800-CAL-LATT Road Report. I guess nobody's told him that next week's Nitro in Worcester is cancelled. Also, nobody told him that it wasn't April Fool's Day until Saturday.

In fairness, it's not part of the storyline yet, is it? But still, they shouldn't be advertising it if they KNOW it's being cancelled. That's like advertising a million-dollar giveaway and not following up. Oh, wait...

These particular WCW Superstar Series videos are no longer "hot, new" so they should probably stop showing this ad

This from the same company that offers Nitro Girl videos with half the fucking TEAM has been fired. I'm surprised they aren't still hawking the Savage videos, if only to get rid of their inventory.

Oh boy! The World Premiere of Bif Naked's "We're Not Gonna Take It!" which answers the question "Why listen to the original when you can listen to a REMAKE?"

Somebody actually REMADE "We're Not Gonna Take It?" Isn't that one of the Seven Signs?

Here's a Special Video Look at the Wall - he's taking on Hulk Hogan later tonight. Oh man, don't tell me THAT'S your main event. "Let's TRY to set a record!" said the lame duck booker. "Lowest rated main event EVER!"

{Cartman voice}: That's what I said!

v. TERRY FUNK - Let Us Take You Back to Nitro and Thunder where Morrus managed to defeat Smiley and Demon - which, in WCW, has to be considered a good week.

Heh. Truth hurts.

Morrus has a joke for DAVID PENZER: "Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Did you ever see what Terry Funk does to a chicken?" I reckon that'll be your highlight there. ("What do you sound like when you're OPTIMISTIC, Zed?" "Aw, shut up.")

I don't know what THAT means either.

Tony has another huge announcement which will prevent him from talking about this match.

Like this is something new?

Morrus pounding away, pound, pound, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Next week, "the Best of Nitro and Thunder" on Nitro and Thunder.

Which should fill up about three minutes of the four hours. No, actually, if they fill the shows with CW matches, Flair/Sting, Goldberg, etc, it should be pretty good. But you and I both know that it will be Hogan, Hogan, Goldberg, Hogan, Hogan, Hogan, and Hogan. So they'll SUCK.

Funk reverses, chop, slap, chop, slap, ten heads to the turnbuckle, right, Ten Left Count Along. Schiavone says he's been asked to "sell these two people beating each other up but I'm sorry, I can't do that right now." Sigh.

Well, seeing as nobody cares anyway...

The other guy is giving free blowjobs, by the way...this from a guy who has a rather unhealthy fiaxtion, going on and on about how the masturbation patterns of all the WWF fans out there.

I have NO idea what he's talking aboot. I think he means Madden, in which case...we don't care.

Bischoff & Russo are going to take two weeks to "sort things out" and debut *their* WCW Nitro on 10 April.

I still think this is among the stupider moves ever. Although, it could be argued that Bischoff and Russo actually WANT people to SEE their first Nitro, in which case it makes a modicum of sense. Eh. I'll be watching the first hour, and I HIGHLY doubt I'll stick around for more than that.

Funk with a DDT. He's going up for the moonsault! And because it's Funk, it misses.

Even when Funk 'hits' a moonsault, he misses.

Morrus mounts him

Three words that should NEVER be used together. WINCE...SHUDDER!

and wails away with rights. Powerbomb coming up. Time now for No Laughing Matter. Is this Terry Funk's last last match?

Aren't they all?

Whoops, Morrus went for the Savage

Who?

elbow instead - it missed. Funk rolled outside and to the floor. Morrus outside and meeting him on the sand. POWERBOMB ON THE FLOOR! Morrus puts Funk's head on the mat. Back in the ring we go - Funk has NO business winning this match. Kick, kick, headbutt, Funk firing back with lefts, lefts and rights, KO blow and Morrus goes timbaaah. Into the ropes is reversed, lariat by Morrus. Morrus clotheslines him to the outside. Is he gonna - ELBOW OFF THE APRON!

You know, I watched part of this match. Didn't see a single move. The part I saw was ENTIRELY either Morrus or Funk rolling around on the ground in pain.

But it misses again. He bounces off the mat as Tony pronounces "no give out there." Funk has a chair - WHACK! DUSTIN RHODES is out - WHACK for him. Morrus gets in a shot and rolls him back in. Into the ropes, powerslam. Morrus going up for No Laughing Matter - THIS hits. 1, 2, Rhodes is in with the chair on him for the DQ. Why? *Because it's all about logic.* (DQ 5:07)

This gets five minutes. Meng and La Parka get 48 seconds. Need you ask WHY I watch WWF??

Rhodes takes the chair to Funk - THEN TO MICKIE JAY!! Morrus asks Rhodes what the hell he was doing and gives him a few konks, Rhodes drops him.

Oh, JOY. A Mourrus/Rhodes feud. Goldust is looking pretty fucking good about now, eh, Dustin?

Funk gets in a lick, follows him outside and hits ANOTHER haymaker left. And now they're walking up the aisle - punch, punch, punch. Morrus decides, hey, might as well hit No Laughing Matter on Mickie Jay. In two weeks, his kooky ol' dad will be back! Hooray!

Works for me. Still won't care, but hey.

Hey look! It's Steiner, Jarrett and a coupla women! And they're WALKING!

Because after all, isn't that WHY we watch WCW in the first place?

WCW Magazine ad - I'm sure on tap for next month's issue is "Chris Benoit: How Long Can He Hold the Title?"

But it's still more current than PWI.

Jeff Jarrett T-shirt ad

Gene O. stands with Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart. Didn't this guy speak ALREADY?!?

HAH! This is TWO Hogan interview segments. Only seventeen more to go tonight.

He's gonna take out the Wall, one brick at a time, brother. Listening to Hogan talk about his biceps, I can't help but wonder if Big Jakes is still on his way. Hogan calls Vampiro "the brother of the blood" or something

Uhhhh...SURE? I thought he was a 'brother in paint'? Is Sting still a bad guy? Are Sting and Hogan buds now? Shit, my head hurts. It's WCW...it's not supposed to make sense.

why exactly is he glomming onto Vampiro so?

I'd bet a diddle-eyed-Joe to a damned if I know that it has something to do with the 'old vs. young' storyline that's been reported. God forbid anyone think Hogan was old...

Vampiro controls the hammerhead sharks - hey, he's AQUAMAN! They're going a thousand leagues under the sea, brother! What's he gonna do when he beats his ass too? Haa ha ha ha ha.

Hogan would NEVER turn on a partner like that. Vampiro - the only man in WCW with a NEGATIVE push.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & BIG POPPA PUMP (with NWO 6) come out. "As I look at the sea of freaks out here for Spring Break, lookin' for some action, I'm here to tell ya, all you have to do is give me the highback, and I'll give you satisfaction all night long until you call me the Big Bad Booty Daddy! So this goes to all my freaks out there, Big Poppa Pump is your hookup! Holler if ya hear me!"

HE'S NOT GAY! REALLY!

Jarrett says that he's turning over a new leaf tonight....TONIGHT he'll let the girls stay out and flaunt it. As he looks over the sea of skanks, he definitely thinks they need some eye candy out there tonight.

You know, that was a pretty good line. Almost as good as the one he made in Buffalo after the Titans beat the Bills. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Backstage, we see Hennig and Bagwell take a magical trip to feedback land where NOTHING they say is intelligible. The gist is Hennig is unhappy that Bagwell lit a fire under Steiner by hittin' on his women. I guess they'll take them on next.

Can you say "filler"?

The Acronym on the return of Bischoff & Russo: "I think it sucks. I think ah, they're both gonna run the company right into the ground. And, ah, it's gonna be over for all of us. Actually, um, some of the boys ah wanted me to say that, but ah, my own personal feelings is, um, Vince gave me a nice opportunity when he was here before - and, ah, I think he can do great things with the company. Eric's a visionary, he did great things when he was here before, and he deserves another shot." You had me, you lost me. Can you pinpoint the *exact* point in time when he went from being Sullivan's boy to Russo's boy (with an option on being Bischoff's boy)?

Prince Nakamaki...equal opportunity ass kisser. But you know, he can't complain aboot ANY of them. Bischoff gave him the TV Title. Russo gave him a new push as TAFKA PI after being a jobber again. Sullivan gave him the CW belt, inexplicably. So if you're him, you shut up and hope your luck holds.

One more "Ready to Rumble" ad

Oh boy! Some hot TracFone action! Exactly how many zany video clip montages must we suffer through tonight?

Seems to me that next Monday and Tuesday are still on, but they've just been downgraded to house shows. Do you get that feeling as well?

No, I thought they were cancelled. You can tell by the thirty people at each arena lining up for the refund.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & BIG POPPA PUMP (with NWO 6) v. CURT HENNIG and BUFF IS THE STUFF

Two years ago, this MIGHT have been a good match. Now, one man is a cripple and one other doesn't care. Then again, JJ is more motivated than ever, so...I guess it has a chance if Steiner doesn't fuck it up.

Hennig ends up getting mauled while Bagwell lengthens out his entrance. Hennig (and Bagwell) DO end up cleaning house. Jarrett comes back in and takes it to Bagwell. Right, right, right, into the ropes, duck, gutshot by Bagwell, TERRIBLE swinging neckbreaker,

See what I mean aboot Bagwell?

clothesline, dropkick. Tag to Hennig. Elbow from the second rope onto the arm. Knife-edge chop. Chop, right, back elbow for Steiner, chop - into the opposite corner, Jarrett puts up an elbow to stop him. Tag to Pump, gutshot, pound, kick, off the ropes, kick, kick, into the ropes is reversed, Hennig trying to get something off but Steiner's apparently not cooperating.

First time Steiner's EVER not cooperated with a man trying to get off.

In the corner, repeated knees, dueling hiptosses and Hennig's hits. Front face, tag to Bagwell, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, Jarrett puts a knee in the back and Steiner hits an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Head to the buckle, knee, tag out, Jarrett punching away. Into the ropes, duck, knee by Bagwell, double underhook DDT and both men are down. Tag to Steiner, tag to Hennig - Hennig ducks, clothesline for Steiner, clothesline for Jarrett, clothesline for Steiner, scoop slam for Jarrett, Bagwell in to help - Hennig with a Ten Punch Count Along as Bagwell hits the Buff Blockbuster on Jarrett. Steiner manages an atomic drop on Hennig, and a clothesline on Bagwell. Steiner with a gutshot on Hennig, into the ropes is reversed, HENNIG hits a gutshot, but before he can go for the Hennigplex,

Sorry. I didn't see this match. Unlike other reporters, I don't feel I need to comment on it, having not seen it. And, no, I'm not talking aboot CRZ. I have had problems with him in the past, but at least he does his 'job'.

Jarrett is in with El Kabong. Amazingly, referee "Blind" Nick Patrick had picked JUST that moment to leave the ring for no apparent reason other than he saw the gee-tar was going to come into play sooner or later.

Nick Patrick is THE WORST ref in wrestling. In my opinion, a ref's job is to NOT take anything away from the wrestlers. Patrick insists on doing the "YOU WANNA QUIT?!?!" move every three seconds, which definitely distracts. Mark Curtis was the KING. His actions, miming the punches and whatnot, ADDED to the match. Damn, I miss that guy.

Outside the ring, one of the women is checking on Bagwell - now two. Inside the ring, Big Poppa Pump has the Steiner Recliner on Hennig - Patrick rings the bell as Hennig is flat out (4:27). Bagwell figures out what's happening and hits the ring too late.

The old "distracted by the hot valet so he misses the pin" trick. That's the second time he's fallen for that this week!

Who was that, Big Vito? He gives an oh-so-believable "WCW is on their way back to #1!" spiel.

Free 50 hours of AOL to any wrestler who talk good about us on camera!

Oh boy! FIREWORKS!! I hope next week they show us THE YETI! Anyway, Tony gets relentless in hyping Nitro in two weeks. It would be HILARIOUS if RAW was SUCH hot shit next week that NOBODY came back to Nitro in two weeks. Now, in the LONG run, it'd suck, 'cause the WWF has tended to get REALLY lazy without competition, but in the short run...it'd be fun.

Nobody watches Nitro NOW, and WCW still insists on putting this shit on my TV. But the above is my prediction of what will probably happen.

THE WALL v. YOU KNOW WHO - Let Us Take You Back to UNcensored where Crowbar gave his body for a failed push.

Poor Devon Storm. Wrestling Jesus would be SO much better.

I have a feeling you could play the Hulk Hogan/Big Bubba Rogers main event of the first episode of Nitro and feel like we've come full circle here.

Nice analogy. Sadly, Ray Traylor has more talent AND charisma. That's pretty much scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Sadly, the Mark speaks of the 10 April Nitro as if he already knows he'll still have a job providing colour commentary, and that's a strike against the "new" Nitro already.

I could deal with Madden if they'd get the hell rid of Skee-a-Vone already.

Lockup, knee, knee, pound, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, choke, it's all Wall. Clubbing blow, clubbing blow, face rake, right, right, headbutt. Axehandle. Into the ropes, Hogan ducks, right, right, off the ropes, right, right, double thrust, Nine Punch Count Along and Skull Munch. Into the opposite corner, clothesline, right, Wall rakes the face. Choking him with his on 'do-rag. Hogan out through the ropes. Wall outside and on him. Axehandle. Chair to the back. Wall found a table. Hogan found a chair. Hogan with an eye rake, now two. WHACK with the chair, WHACK, Hogan cups his ear, WHACK again. Arrrrrrgh.

Let me get this straight...Hogan's the GOOD guy?

Rolled into the ring, Wall stomps, stomp, stomp, into the ropes, duck, got him in the choke! CHOKESLAM (sorta)! Hogan pops right back up and points. I hate this.

You can say that two times! (HA! Name THAT Vague Reference, Michaelangelo!) Hogan can ruin a good Nitro (not that the rest of Nitro was good by any means, but work with me here) like a picture of Roseanne Naked suddenly popping into your head can ruin a good orgasm.

Jackhammering away. Block the punch, right, right, right, into the ropes, big boot, off the ropes, legdrop, WALL POPS UP!!

Oh MAN. He wouldn't do that for Sting or Flair, but he'll give the rub to The frikkin' WALL?

Gutshot, clubbin' blow, head to the turnbuckle, choking away, clubbing blow, another double sledge, now for no apparent reason VAMPIRO is out (huh?) to give Wall the victory (DQ 4:38)

There ARE limits to how far Hogan will go to give someone the rub. Although someone pointed out that Hogan's getting more out of this than Vampiro is. Hulk Hogan, WCW Remora of Heat.

Hogan with a Piper-esque eyepoke, right. Vampiro with a spin kick. Wall goes to the apron - both men run at him and push him into the table, which breaks - but he gets back up 'cause he's THE WALL, see.

Um, no. Really. I don't.

JAMES HART hands a chair to each man. Wall tells them they're dead men, but he doesn't go back in the ring when they've both got chairs.

OK. He no sells everything in the world, then is afraid of a couple chairs? WCW - It's not SUPPOSED to make sense.

Credits are up...and we're out.

In more ways than one.

In the Thunder report, I'll tell you why I'm so depressed about what appears to be coming with WCW (just in case you haven't figured it out already). Join us then, won't you?

Christ. I can tell you why. Hogan. The only reason to watch WCW is to see how they manage to screw up in new and exciting ways. WCW has sucked. WCW will suck. It is meant to be.

As always, I'm fred, and if you don't like it, fuck off.