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/wrestling /guests /Ford |
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/wrestling /guests /Ford |
| Guest Columns | Clyde Ford |
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WHEN THE GOOD OLD DAYS WERE BAD The future feels like being 17 again and riding in the shotgun seat of my friend's Barracuda as he shows off how fast it can go. I glance over at the speedometer and it's at 120 and we're flying down the highway. My heart pounds with excitement and exhilaration. A part of me knows I should be feeling even more exhilarated, but I'm not because there's this voice in the back of my head not nagging but fucking screaming "Slow down, for chrissake SLOW the fuck down! We're going to fucking die!" But I don't say anything and I shout out "Whooooo!" because life is good and to hell with the voice in the back of my head. Then he pushes the gas pedal all the way to the floor and the speedometer doesn't go further than 140 so it's impossible to know how fast we're flying. At 35, that's what the future feels like to me. Time is flying by. I'm still young enough to remember when summers lasted forever, but now old enough that June, July and August don't seem to last longer than a long weekend before they're gone. Time is flying by as fast as a 'Cuda driven by a teenager convinced of his immortality on a hot summer night with a long stretch of highway. One night last year when my daughter was a baby, she and I were engaged in a hard-core match of tickling as we snuggled on the sofa waiting for Nitro to start. She shrieked with laughter, spit bubbles forming on her lips (babies drool even more than Wrestleline columnists) and I felt my heart soar with joy. I turned my head to the Heavens, cupped my hands back and shouted "Whoooo!" She giggled and I turned on Nitro. Ric Flair, the Nature Boy himself, came out and shouted "Whoooo!" His timing, as usual, was impeccable. Victoria gave a "Whooooo!" and I felt so proud of her. My daughter _ the Ric Flair mark. I no longer watch wrestling with her. Once she started realizing what was on the screen, it was time to turn it off. Now at 19 months, she's a big time mark for Barney and Baby Bop, and for Larry and Bob and the rest of the Veggie Tales gang. I'm lucky she doesn't take off and follow "Barney Live on Stage" shows like a twirling, flower-wreathed Grateful Dead Head. My daughter, the Barney Head. I can see her now, sitting outside of the concert hall, selling stickers and helium balloons from the back of her stroller to other toddlers to support herself from show to show. But I digress. When she reached the age she could tell what was going on with the television, I turned it off. Now I get my wrestling fix through CRZ's recaps and Internet reports and Toddler Wrestling (rough-housing with her one night, I realized I sell moves to a 30 pound toddler better than Sid Viscous sells for Benoit). And what I'm reading about Nitro gives me hope for the future of the show because if it's done right it'll be like a blast from the past. To those who thought the NWO angle in 1996 was the hottest thing ever, you should have seen Ric Flair and the 4 Horsemen in their prime. Imaging the Wolf Pac twice as cool in badness with 10 times the wrestling ability and you'll have an idea of what Flair in the 1980s was like. Every week it seemed likeFlair would sucker the Face of the Month in and then they'd beat him. I could have watched Flair and the Horsemen beat up Dusty Rhodes every week in a parking lot and never tire of it. I hate change. The only variety I wanted in the angle was one week they'd break his ankle and then maybe the next week they'd break his knee and for maybe variety they'd break the arm of whatever face came to Dusty's aid. Don't get me wrong. I loved Dusty Rhodes. He was a great face. People loved him. You never heard a crowd pop like you heard black women pop for Dusty Rhodes (am I the only one who remembers when wrestling audiences were made up big time of middle aged and elderly women, especially black women? What was up with them loving Dusty like that? He weighed 900 pounds. He had thighs bigger than BARNEY'S!!! The lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish bought a Ric Flair robe earlier this year at a charity auction but said his grandmother would be rolling in her grave because she loved to hate Flair...probably because the way he always punked Rhodes. But I digress...) Dusty had to play a great face because that made it even cooler when Flair beat him, more arrogantly despicable, more dastardly, more deliciously Evil. That's what pissed me off about the whole WCW/NWO angle and how Cracka Sleazy E screwed it up royally. My friends and I kept buying the pay per views month after month, waiting for the damn payoff. But it never came. Here's what should have happened. This should have been the climax of it and anybody who is a long time wrestling fan knows this is true. After months of NWO domination, Flair should have rallied the WCW troops. Flair, the dirtiest player in the game but the always loyal company man should have led the WCW loyalists to victory at a pay per view to cap off and end the NWO angle in decisive fashion with the name WCW strong. And as Sting and Luger and the other good guys celebrated with Flair in the ring at the end of the long, hard bloody victory they earned for him, leaving no NWOites in sight to challenge him for power, he and Arn Anderson would have punked them. As they least expected it, Flair would have, should have, could have turned against those he used as allies thereby setting up another hot angle to follow the NWO angle's demise. Instead, Bischoff screwed the pooch. He let the damn thing drag out too long, making it appear as if the WCW wrestlers were ineffective and weak instead of creating a strong image for the WCW brand. Instead, he let the NWO angle dangle until Scott Norton was the last NWO member until Norton was laid off by the company quietly. What a waste of possibilities. But now there's reason to hope again. Newer wrestling fans may not understand it, but you can almost see the gleam in the eye of longtime fans. We see if not potential at least possibility. Flair and Hogan on the same side of good battling evil? <Diabolical laughter> Yes, Ric. Use Hogan to destroy your current enemies. Fight shoulder to shoulder with him. And when the two of you win, as he celebrates with you in the ring, punk his ass. Bring out Arn Anderson and beat the Hulkster like he's Dusty Rhodes and instead of partying like it's1999 we'll celebrate like it's 1989 again. Sure, add some changes to the old script. Maybe break his knee instead of his ankle and his arm the following week. Hulk's a good face so he'll make a great foil for Flair's evil. And please, I beg of you...since my daughter won't be watching anyway...please, please, please during your last glorious reign of evil and terror put Barney in a figure four leg lock for me. Clyde Ford too mature for [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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