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/wrestling /guests /EverLit |
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/wrestling /guests /EverLit |
| Guest Columns | EverLit |
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MY NOT-SO-ANTICIPATED RETURN YOUR AYATOLLAH OF COCA-COLA HAS RETURNED! This would be EverLit, or 'Lit for short, and I'm back at your door, like Joan of Arc comin' back for more. (Anyone who gets the reference and emails me it gets a mention in my next column.) It's been a LONG time... This might be a long one, and at the end will be my fantasy booking for the tournament when the brackets were first revealed, before the Powerz That Bez decided to fuck it all up. Pardon me while I rant. Oh yeah, song for the random interval...um...hmm...normally I'd say "The World Is Not Enough", it being by Garbage, and Shirley Manson being the mother goddess, etc., but instead I'll say the new Beck, "Sexxlaws". Beck rocks, and so does the video. A fridge humping an oven. Nothing more needs to be said, except this column.... David Flair is getting over. God save us all. The psycho gimmick is a good idea, and he has some idea on how to play it, but Vince..*shakes head*...give the cool gimmicks to someone with TALENT. Watching Davey try to sell getting sneak-attacked was PAINFUL. He may actually have some charisma, being a Flair and all, but the boy simply CANNOT wrestle right now. The WWF Tag scene is pretty interesting. Interesting in that I wait with anticipated breath to see if the champs will hold onto the titles for over a WEEK. There are so many good teams, I know, but at least build some halfway-dominant champs. And haven't Edge and Christian won 50,000 (give or take 100) number one contenders matches? I'm as much of a Lash LeRoux mark as the next guy, maybe even moreso, but the boy's green. He has charisma up the wazoo, and a few good moves, but keep him on WCWSN for awhile until he learns the basics to holding together a match. Speaking of WCWSN, why all the jobbers? What's next, a Mike Tolbert squash? Hmmm...no hair nor hide of Hogan, or even a mention. Yep, he's reforming the New World Order, alright. Or some anti-n.W.o. against Vinz Ruzzo. Brad Armstrong goes over Berlyn, and immediately gets DE-pushed. So, how long did it take them to COMPLETELY ruin the gimmick AND Alex Wright's career? Two months, about? Longer than I would've thought... Oh, yay! ANOTHER shoot gimmick. I liked this the first...(counts on fingers) two? Wait...three times? Eh, whatever, I actually didn't like it then, either. Sucked then, sucks now. "Seven" or whatever might've been better, just for MST3K-like hilarity all across the wonderful 'net. I did NOT need to see Triple H's ass. Did NOT, NOT, NOT. I refuse to comment anymore on..*shudder* THAT. So..Bryan Clark's canned? Being an Adam Bomb mark from way back when..actually..let me relate this story first: *flashback, wave effects* Ah...I was a mere ten-year old, in August of 1995. Madison Square Garden, my first, and to this day only, house show. Headlined by Men On A Mission vs. Diesel and Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart vs. Jean Pierre LaFitte, I was there to see one wrestler: Adam Bomb. I begged my dad to buy EVERY Adam Bomb thing they had, but I only got a t-shirt..I was still happy though, I'd get to see my favorite wrestler, from the sixth row ringside. Here comes Henry Godwinn...BOOOOOO! And then, the music cues up, ADAM BOMB~! Yeah! Yeah! I marked out as much as my little inner mark would let me. He runs in the ring..Slop Drop...1, 2, 3. Six seconds, if even. My little heart was broken. *anti-flashback, wave effects* So there. I could go into about how I started the 'U. S. A.' chant during the Allied Powers match and turned the Bulldog heel, but I'll leave that to another time. Now where was I? Oh yes, Vincent Kennedy MacMahon, SIGN BRYAN CLARK. He's a huge, bulked-up monster, and he can do a friggin' SOMERSAULT OFF THE APRON! He can brawl, fly, wrestle a lil' bit, sign him. As for charisma, who knows, but pair him with a good mic-worker, and GOLD. SOLID GOLD. And that's it. For now. (Hmmm..thought I had more to talk about) E-mail me feedback at everlit@hotmail.com, and visit my once-often, now rarely updated site (complete with Shirley Manson section) at http://www.geocities.com/everlit1. I now leave you with my fantasy booking, right after my signing off, so to speak. Jeff Jarrett v. Madusa Squish. The woman-beater gimmick continues. Winner: Jeff Jarrett via Figure 4 Leglock Purpose: Jarrett wins, Madusa's out Saturn v. Curt Hennig An okay match for a few minutes, until Saturn gets Hennig up in the DVD, the Filthy Animals run in, DQ...Saturn advances, Hennig doesn't get pinned. Winner: Saturn via DQ Purpose: Gives Jarrett a good midcarder to beat Booker T. v. Rick Steiner The announcers actually bring up that Booker never really settled the score after losing the TV Title to Steiner, and this is his chance. He makes good, beating Steiner in a quick match. Winner: Booker T. via Harlem Side Kick Purpose: Booker T. beats a upper-midcarder, plus gets Steiner out of the tournament Stevie Ray v. Evan Karagias Slapjack. Pin, sucka. Winner: Stevie Ray via Slapjack Purpose: Sets up a Heat-Heat match Scott Hall v. Lash LeRoux Hall comes back in top form, more or less dominating LeRoux. LeRoux gets some token offense in, but Hall more or less squashes him, except...setting up for the Outsider's Edge, there's a ref bump, allowing Goldberg to run down, spear Hall, and give LeRoux the pin. Winner: Lash LeRoux via outside interference Purpose: Someone with that much of a layoff shouldn't be wrestling for the belt, creates the token lucky underdog, and builds up to a Goldberg-Hall match whenever. Total Package v. Disco Inferno Disco makes a good effort, actually getting most of the offense, but..superhuman comeback, Torture Rack, win. Winner: Total Package via Torture Rack Purpose: Disco gets raised in the eyes of the marks Sting v. Rey Mysterio Jr. Rey replaces Madusa's second slot here. Rey keeps trying the aerial attack, but Sting keeps grounding him, eventually ending in the Scorpion Death Lock. Winner: Sting via Scorpion Death Lock Purpose: Sting gets a solid win. Meng v. Berlyn Welcome to jobberland, Alex. We knew ye well. Winner: Meng via Tongan Death Grip Purpose: None, really. Just getting the crap out. Konnan v. Vampiro Konnan actually turns it up here, actually, like...wrestling. Saturn gets his revenge, allowing Vampiro to get the win in a pretty good, albeit short, match. Winner: Vampiro via Nail in the Coffin Purpose: Vamp gets built up, while Konnan keeps his precious fading heat. DDP v. Bam Bam Bigelow Ooh...continuity. Bam Bam pretty much snaps, beating the crap out of DDP, yelling something about breaking up the Triad...until DDP hits a lucky Diamond Cutter for the pin. Winner: DDP via Diamond Cutter Purpose: Bammer can do a 'crazy son-of-a-bitch' gimmick, and may actually get over with the fans. Kidman v. Norman Smiley Ground versus air. Kidman goes through his high-impact offense, and mostly controls the match. Norman manages to reverse the Acid Drop into a Norman Conquest. Kidman tries the Bret Hart 'you have me in a hold so I jump off the ropes and pin you' move, but Norman kicks out. NO NORMAN, YOU CAN'T POW...damn. Winner: Kidman via Shooting Star Press Purpose: Norman puts up a helluva fight, but Kidman wins, like he should. Bret Hart v. Ernest Miller Bret goes over. Won't be good...less said the better. Winner: Bret Hart via Sharpshooter Purpose: Bret gets his win, and shows he's capable of winning even with a hurt leg. Sid v. Brian Knobbs The match that answers the question: What does it sound like when 350 pounds of shit gets powerbombed? Winner: Sid via Power Bomb Purpose: Sid gets at least ONE win, while Knobbs gets the fuck out. Goldberg v. David Flair David breaks out the crowbar of doom and...no-sell. Spear. Jackhammer. Pin. Winner: Goldberg via Jackhammer Purpose: Gets Goldberg a win. Chris Benoit v. Buff Bagwell Buff comes to the ring, cocky as ever, posing in Benoit's face. So Benoit gives him the CHOP OF UTTER DISCOMFORT AND BURNING~!, knocking him off his feet. Benoit proceeds to pretty much go postal, breaking out the snot blow, german suplexes, etc. until Buff kicks him in the crotch. Benoit hunches over, while Buff sets up for the Blockbuster. Buff soars off the top rope, and in mid-flight, Benoit grabs his arm, smacks him to the canvas and slaps on the Crippler Crossface. The crowd is in awe at this spot, and their jaws hang open as Benoit gets the submission win. Winner: Chris Benoit via Crippler Crossface Purpose: Benoit gets over MORE due to that spot, Buff's cocky antics might turn him heel, and Buffy's ego gets put in check a bit. Eddie Guerrero v. Dean Malenko Both just CRANK IT UP, trying to beat the last match. Malenko even pulls out some aerial moves, including a Missile Dropkick. Eddie gets the late advantage, but misses the Frog Splash, leaving him open for the Texas Cloverleaf. Winner: Dean Malenko via Texas Cloverleaf Purpose: The smarks get a good match, plus it sets up Benoit-Malenko. 2nd Round: Jeff Jarrett v. Saturn Both pull out their usual, with Jarrett getting the win. Winner: Jeff Jarrett via Figure 4 Leglock Purpose: Jarrett beats an upper-midcarder. Booker T. v. Stevie Ray Booker DOMINATES here, outquickening his bro and basically methodically beating him into submission. Winner: Booker T. via Missile Dropkick Purpose: Heat breakup gets teased, and the wide gap between the two brothers is shown moreso. Lash LeRoux v. Total Package LeRoux gives it a go, but basically gets squashed. Winner: Total Package via Torture Rack Purpose: None really, just giving it to the higher carder. Sting v. Meng Winner: Sting via Scorpion Death Drop Purpose: Sting gets a fairly impressive win. Vampiro v. DDP Back and forth match, with Vampiro showcasing some of his more impressive stuff. DDP goes for the Diamond Cutter, but it gets..reversed into the Nail in the Coffin FOR THE PIN??? Winner: Vampiro via Nail in the Coffin Purpose: Vampiro gets a HUGE win, maybe starting a U.S. Title push... Kidman v. Bret Hart Kidman mostly dominates, until Bret reverses a rana into a powerbomb of all things for the pin. Winner: Bret Hart via Power Bomb Purpose: Bret continues his lucky winning streak. Sid v. Goldberg Punch. Punch. Punch. Kick. Kick. Stall. Kick. Punch. Punch. (repeat 50x) Spear. Jackhammer. Pin. Winner: Goldberg via Jackhammer Purpose: Goldberg gets a PIN over Sid. Chris Benoit v. Dean Malenko Malenko gets NO offense in. None. Benoit just goes POSTAL on Dean, beating him into submission, then beating him some more, just because he can. After 10 minutes of pure ass-beating, Benoit ends it with the Crossface. Winner: Chris Benoit via Crippler Crossface Purpose: Gets Benoit over as a badass even moreso. 3rd Round Jeff Jarrett v. Booker T. Booker T. dominates, but misses the Hangover and gets slapped in a Figure-4. Jarrett holds the ropes, but Stevie Ray comes out and knocks his hands off. Jarrett lets go, turns around, and gets rolled up for the pin. Winner: Booker T. via Roll-up Purpose: Stevie slowly begins more of an outside role, Booker keeps getting pushed, and Jarrett keeps his credibility. Total Package v. Sting TP plays a bit of a face here, giving Sting clean breaks, etc. But Sting shows no mercy, and takes every little shortcut he can. Liz distracts the ref for no apparent reason, but STING gets a bat shot in. Deathlock for the win. Winner: Sting via Scorpion Death Lock Purpose: Liz-TP breakup teased, while Sting shows that he IS a heel. Vampiro v. Bret Hart Vampiro dominates for a while, until DDP gets some sneaky underhanded interference (Gasp! That bastard!) in the form of a Diamond Cutter to give Bret the win. Winner: Bret Hart via outside interference Purpose: Vampiro shows his talent, and gets pushed up the card to a feud with DDP while Bret continues the DEAD BROTHER SYMPATHY PUSH OF DOOM! Goldberg v. Chris Benoit Benoit, for all of his midget-ness, puts up a good fight against the larger Goldberg. They just stand toe-to-toe, beating the crap out of each other and having a helluva time doing it. Goldberg gets the advantage, and goes for the Spear, but Benoit dodges and Goldberg hits the ringpost with his skull, causing a mighty "clunk". And Goldberg just kinda stays there, his jaw resting on the middle turnbuckle, out cold. Benoit just kinda nudges him over and puts him in the Crossface for an actual win. Winner: Chris Benoit via Crippler Crossface Purpose: Benoit gets WAY pushed, but doesn't actually beat Goldberg..Goldberg beats himself. Semifinals: Booker T. v. Sting Booker actually gets most of the early offense in, but Sting soon comes back with a vengeance. Booker gets in the Harlem Side Kick, and tries another, but Sting catches the leg and slaps on the Deathlock to win. Winner: Sting via Scorpion Death Lock Purpose: Sting gets a good win, while Booker gets a good showing. Bret Hart v. Chris Benoit Benoit once again breaks out the badassness, but gets the Crossface reversed into the Sharpshooter once again. Bret hunches back, and...collapses. Benoit, unsure of what to do, checks on Bret...and gets cradled for the 1, 2...REVERSAL! 1, 2, 3! Winner: Chris Benoit via Small Package Purpose: Bret gets to sell his leg injury, plus can say he could've beat Benoit, while the 'healthy' man goes rightfully over. Finals: Sting v. Chris Benoit Benoit breaks out all the swank moves once again, including a Diving Headbutt to the OUTSIDE! Sting actually manages to regain the advantage, but not for long as Benoit gets in the ROLLING SUPLEXES OF DOOM~! Benoit takes the offense for a little while longer, but fucks up and gets hit with the Scorpion Death Drop. 1, 2...kickout? Sting beats the shit out of the ref out of anger, and gets slapped in the Crippler Crossface. Total Package comes out and goes for a top rope bat shot, but Benoit dodges, and TP hits Sting. Then Benoit gets hit with the bat anyway, leaving both out. The ref gets up, and the combatants follow a few seconds after. They exchange holds some more, with Benoit knocking Sting down and seemingly out with an absolutely BRUTAL chop...and heading up for the top. Diving headbutt...misses. Scorpion Deathlock..and..Benoit's out. Winner: Sting via Scorpion Deathlock Purpose: Sting gets over as a heel with a pretty clean win, plus with winning the belt. Benoit gets truckloads of respect, plus a World Title push. Good shit all around. EverLit who can hear the dolphin's cry Mail the Author Visit his crappy, rarely updated music site |
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