MustbookticketstoseeSabuMustbookticketstoseeSabuMustbookticketstoseeSabuMustbo okticketstoseeSabuMustbookticketstoseeSabu. He's coming to England baby, woohoo. THE OTHER SIDE OF ENGLAND, true, but hell England's only small.

Okay, maybe you got the wrong idea when you clicked on this column. Y'see, I'm not gonna rattle through a load of 80s shows just so a load of Maivia-loving marks can get their fact-gathering fix. Nononononono, when I say "the worst wrestling shows ever" I am referring to the most abysmal two hours of TV every week: WCW Worldwide and WWF Heat.

So you are probably thinking "what kind of person CARES?" - well your average English fan cares a great deal, because these are the only wrestling shows available on terrestrial TV here in the UK. Whoopeeee, aren't WE the lucky f**kers.

Until very recently, there was absolutely no wrestling on our TV screens whatsoever, in fact there had been none since 1993 when Steve Austin was a "great technician" and Cactus Jack dressed in those leopard-skin pants that were cool but looked a bit gay. Then wrestling very quickly went out of fashion, WCW's Sunday afternoon show became a middle-of-the-night filler and soon wasn't even deemed worthy of a place in the schedules. And that was that.

Suddenly, six years later, wrestling was "cool" again. Worldwide hit our screens in the summer of '99 and IT WAS AWFUL. The only thing that made it worth watching was some of the lucha action, but the abysmal commentary of Scott Hudson and Larry Zzzzzbysko spoiled even that. The main event matches started off a month out of date and have since fallen even further behind. They even used to show Steven Regal and Dave Taylor EVERY F**KING WEEK, JUST BECAUSE WE ARE ENGLISH AND WE ARE SUPPOSED TO CARE. Granted, Steve Regal is a great mat wrestler, but not when he's wrestling Hacksaw. Eventually the lucha wrestling was phased out (jeez, thanks) and these days we simply find ourselves watching two-month-old main events. BUT WAIT, as if that wasn't enough, the age-old art of crowd shots as a form of censorship has been replaced by a wonderful innovation that even in the 21st century is light years ahead of it's time........when a wrestler is being dsestroyed the terrifyingly violent scene is censored by a Batmanesque "SPLATTTTTTTTT" or sometimes a "BONNNK", hell we even get a "KAPOWWWWWWW" from time to time - it really is ingenious. I mean, are they taking the piss? Last week I was informed that Mike Awesome had been a world champion in a minor federation and would never prove himself until he'd beaten the best in WCW - HOW THE F**KING HELL CAN WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING POSSIBLY REFER TO ECW AS A MINOR FEDERATION, WHEN IT IS ABOUT A MILLION TIMES SUPERIOR, EVEN THOUGH WCW HAS CONTINUALLY STOLEN IT'S WRESTLERS??? They also said some shit about WWF (although not by name, as if anybody watching the show DOSEN'T KNOW WWF EXISTS), but I regret to say that by that stage I didn't give a shit and wasn't listening.

And we move on to the far superior WWF product, surely this simply could not let us down? It's a great format; a review of the week, some great wrestling action, a weekly interview with Coach (Is he the first black announcer in the WWF? And is there any OTHER REASON he got the job?) and a feature about "wrestlers at home and wrestlers doing commercials and being generally boring". Okay, so I don't like the last bit, and they dropped the Coach interviews (that guy sounds like he's chewing some really sticky gum when he talks) after two weeks, but I didn't care because I hate Coach. Anyways, that leaves more time for wrestling.

So let me review last week's show for you. Well we started off with Eddy Guerrero against the Bulldog. Now I have to admit I've never been a Bulldog fan, but he kicked ass against Guerrero and the two showed that they could put on a great match if given half a chance. Announcers Kevin Kelly and Michael Cole MUST have been impressed, right? Well let me talk you through the commentary: (I may have left some bits out) "Well Michael, this is for the European title and of couse Triple H used to be the European champion.......yadda yadda yadda......Triple H and the Rock....blah blah.....and it's a double DQ". Now it's the review of the week. Let's show you lots of stuff about Triple H and the Rock, then we won't have to mention their rivalry for the rest of the show. In fact, we can do a bit of play-by-play, instead of the usual colourless commentary. Up next, D'Lo and Saturn against Malenko and Big Papa Pimp, and of course Saturn actually has the same amount of thumbs as the Rock, and the Rock and Triple H battled for the world title last week........BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DAMN WRESTLING MATCH YOU PAIR OF GOOFS?.......great suplex by Malenko, and of course the Rock suplexed somebody once, and last week the Rock wrestled Triple H. Now it's Rikiski and Gangrel, and of course Gangrel's hair is almost the same colour as Helmsley's, and Triple H battled the Rock last week. Now something about Chyna being on a programme that English people hate. Funny really, Chyna was only the second most masculine woman on the programme. And of course 3rd Rock from the Sun contains the word "Rock", and what about this feud between the Rock and Triple H, Kevin? Main event time, it's Test & Ass vs CHRIS. Jesus, Trish AND Steph, which one do I look at??? Steph is sexy in a "it's concievable that she might shag me if she wasn't famous" kinda way, that's what I like about her. Whereas Trish just looks like a porn star, which is also cool. Anyway, onto the match, it's actually quite exciting considering that Test and Ass are wrestling (c'mon, these guys had a stinker against the Dudleys. If you can't have a good match against the Dudleys then you are a spastic. Shit me, if friggin TODD CHAMPION AND FIREBREAKER CHIP were wrestling the Dudleys it would be a good match). So Stephanie McMahon-HELMSLEY is at ringside, and Kevin and Tod....er, Michael, suddenly don't care about Triple H and The Rock. Actually all they can talk about is the Intercontinental title feud between Benoit and Sparky. CHRIS JERICHO IS WRESTLING AND ALL YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IS BOB HOLLY? The Hardyz Protection Agency helps out Chris for the win, not that Test should care because it was Steph's idea to have the match anyway. Hey, that's quite funny - Matt Hardy has dyed his hair a bit blonder just so that a few people might think he's Jeff by mistake.

I shouldn't really criticise Kev and Mikey for being such a pair of utterly useless bastards - they are actually very helpful to us stupid English people. Aswell as telling us everything we ever needed to know about The Rock and Triple H, they also give us regular lessons in that difficult-to-conquer American language: So THAT's what "playing possum" means?! Thanks, guys.

Next week: Funaki will be back on Heat! (probably. I can't remember him EVER missing two weeks in a row), hmmmmmmm - Funaki on heat. That sounds funny. And the show has also been moved to a new time...........the middle of the night. It's true, it's f**king true.