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Dan Doomsday

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THE DEVICE

So Hyatte wants to be an opinion columnist...well, Chris...or Charles, is it?...YOU'RE IN MY WORLD NOW, BITCH!!! Hello, everyone, I'm Dan Doomsday, the World's Most Dangerous Columnist, and when it comes to opinion columns, this is MY world, and Hyatte's just a squirrel trying to get a nut. In all seriousness, though, everyone's SECOND favorite recapper (after CRZ, of course!) writes a pretty mean opinion column as well. But I have some opinions of my own to spew as I bring you the most electrifying column in sports entertainment today, THE DEVICE, which I will do as soon as I get through some EXTRANEOUS BULLSHIT.

DOOMSDAY ON MOVIES: Haven't had a chance to see anything in the theater this week, but as far as rentals go, this week's pick is Robin Hood: Men in Tights. In addition to being a really funny movie, it's also the last halfway decent movie Mel Brooks made.

DOOMSDAY ON MUSIC: Really looking forward to the MTV Video Music Awards on Thursday, with the always hilarious Chris Rock as the host. Most of the acts suck, but fortunately Kid Rock will be performing, and that alone should save the show. Plus, the opening act is looking good with Smash Mouth and Blink 182. As for awards, do me a huge favor and go to MTV.com and vote for anything that is NOT by 'N-Stink or the Backdoor Boys (You see, I call them that because they all take it in the backdoo...oh, you got that one) for the Viewer's Choice Award. Ah, they'll probably win anyway, because of their legions of prepubescent girls who call and e-mail TRL...ah shit.

DOOMSDAY ON TV: This season of the Real World officially sucks. I have just about nearly stopped watching altogether. I'm getting sick of Ruthie and her drinking problem, and they don't have a single storyline that holds my interest.

Okay, enough bullshit. Now, it's time for what you call came to read, the Device. I've got a lot to say this week, so I'm going to spew it all out in...

A "STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS" COLUMN


Why, why, why, why, WHY couldn't they let Benoit and Malenko have a clean ending on Monday? That was shaping up to be such a beautiful match, and then they go and pull that bullshit. I hate Sid, and his stupid record, and his stupid millenium gimmick.

Speaking of millenium gimmicks, can we please get Chris Jericho OFF the Titantron and IN the arena? Is it too much to ask?

I must admit, I'm starting to really get a kick out of the Fink, the way he berated Lillian Garcia, took her cards, and then saw that he had to introduce Shamrock...pure genius.

Speaking of genius, I'd like to meet the genius who brought in Lillian Garcia to be a ring announcer in the first place...Anville, Tennesee? For the love of Mick, let Chimel do both shows, or something. Let Garcia be a locker room reporter...she'd probably do a better job than the Computerized Rooster Made Man of the 1990's. But keep Michael Cole around for the purposes of interviewing the Rock.

A tag team Buried Alive match? Sounds kind of weird, if you ask me. Even so, it's the kind of gimmick match that will work well for Smackdown. Prime-time network TV is more storyline-oriented to begin with, so stuff like a Buried Alive Match will work well.

Also, I'm probably the only guy on the web who likes the Bossman/Snow/Pepper angle. Good to know that Pepper didn't really die, since that dog is cute. But still, I like the angle, and here's why. It establishes the Bossman as a sick, deranged individual, who cares for no one and nothing. Heck, doing what he supposedly did to Pepper is downright evil. It's the kind of thing that makes me want to boo him everytime he steps into the arena. And for that matter, I don't think that anyone will be cheering the Bossman next time he gets in the ring. Wrestling has been missing a pure heel (as in, one they won't sell T-shirts for), and the Bossman is it.

Next on the "People I Used To Hate List" is Ernest Miller. The commercials for Cat-Bo are indeed "The Greatest." I laugh my ass off when ever I see one. The only way they could ruin this (watch, now they'll actually do it) is to bring in Billy Blanks to wrestle the Cat.

In a quick channel change from Smackdown last week, it was GREAT to see Goldberg demolish the Cat after coming back to his old music. Just in time for a showdown with Sid, we're getting to see the Goldberg of old, plus a few more moves than he used to have.

Speaking of more moves than he used to have, I'd like to congratulate Triple H on finally using a set up that does NOT involve his knee. Triple H used an arm-bar takedown on Mr. Ass in their WWF Title match Monday night.

Also, props to the WWF on setting up a one-on-one title match for Unforgiven with Kane and Triple H. The thought of putting the WWF tag champs into a World Title main event kind of bothers me, as I think the Tag Titles should be defended at every Pay-Per-View. With any luck, the developing feud with HHH and Kane (and a probable X-Pac heel turn) should free up the Rock and Mankind to take on Edge and Christian. Hey, maybe if we're lucky, the booking staff will find some way for the Rock and Mankind to lose and then wrestle each other for the five millionth glorious time.

Even a retarded monkey could figure out that Sting is about to get turned on by Lex Luger for the five millionth not-so-glorious time. Of course, this means that Hogan is going to keep the belt at Fall Brawl, or at least that's what I'm seeing here. Maybe we'll finally get to see the Hart-Hogan match that everyone has been talking about.

Oh, congratulations to WCW on putting together a moment which actually made me want to be in the arena at Nitro on Monday. I actually got out of my chair and marked out when I saw Bret Hart walking down the aisle on Nitro. Now, PLEASE keep him face, PLEASE give him the title shot against Hogan, and PLEASE let him win, in order of importance.

Actually, he doesn't have to win. In fact he shouldn't. Hogan needs to lose to Sid pretty soon if Goldberg is going to regain the World Title at Starcade. WCW is so obviously building towards that match, and it should be a good match, BUT THEY CAN'T LET HOGAN'S STUPID FUCKING EGO FUCK THE MATCH UP!!!!!!!

Oh, by the way, I'm REALLY not digging Hogan's new "Train, say a prayer, and kick your ass" line. Then again, I haven't dug anything done by Hogan since Wrestlemania 7.

Okay, this is a huge leap from Hogan, but it's good to see Sean Stasiak getting involved in the Mean Street Posse angle. Bringing Terri into the angle can't hurt, either. I have to say, though, this "I'm not Meat, I'm Sean Stasiak" thing is awfully similar to Chaz Warrington's "I'm just a kid from Jersey" angle.

Is it just me, or is Chaz in the wrong promotion for people from Jersey?

And with that, I bid you farewell. Until next week, this is Dan Doomsday, the World's Most Dangerous Columnist, saying TONY SCHIAVONE MUST DIE!!!

Dan Doomsday
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