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| Guest Columns | Dan Doomsday |
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THE DEVICE The hell with Armageddon, look out for DOOMSDAY!! That's right, folks, Dan Doomsday coming at you with the most electrifying column in sports entertainment today, THE DEVICE!! Right off the top, I want to send a shout-out to everyone reading this in the Guillotine Newsletter. Glad to have you aboard. Now, we have some serious business to discuss this week, plus we're going to talk some wrestling, but first, it's time for the EXTRANEOUS BULLSHIT section. DOOMSDAY ON MOVIES: I saw Detroit Rock City this weekend, and it was great! If you love KISS, you'll love DRC. Even if you don't love KISS, if you liked American Pie, chances are you'll like this movie. My compliments to Gene Simmons. DOOMSDAY ON MUSIC: OK, who booked the acts for the MTV Awards? Ricky Martin is OK, but who invited the Backdoor Boys (You see, they all take it in the...oh, you got that one). They need to bring in Limp, Kid Rock, Korn, and maybe Lenny Kravitz, or else that show is gonna SUCK! DOOMSDAY ON BOOKS: If you're reading this, you're probably a wrestling fan, but even if you're not, get yourself a copy of I Ain't Got Time to Bleed by Jesse Ventura. I just finished it myself, and it is damn good. DOOMSDAY ON TV: You know, I've been watching the Real World, but this season SUCKS compared to last season. OK, now that I've said all that, there's one more order of business I have to take care of before we get down to...er...business, and that's Chris Hyatte. He said some pretty interesting stuff about me in last week's Mop-ups, and I think I need to address some of his comments right now. First of all, Hyatte says that I just suck up to him so he can help me get on Scoops. Well, that is not true. Sure, I want to be on Scoops. Can you blame me? It's one of the biggest, if not THE biggest wrestling site on the Internet. But whatever I say to Hyatte in an e-mail has nothing to do with that. I go back and forth via e-mail and Instant Messages with a bunch of the Scoops guys. I'm not going to say who, because I don't want to drag them into this. But when I e-mail Hyatte, it's because I have something to say about something he wrote. Whatever. Then Hyatte says that I told Al Issacs he backed me for a column on Scoops. Here's what happened: Back in June, I e-mailed Al asking for a spot on Scoops. Then I e-mailed just about everyone I know in wrestling, asking them to tell Al to give me a column. Some people did send e-mail to Al, and from what I can tell, Hyatte didn't. But whatever. I never told Al that Hyatte backed me, so whatever. But I can deal with what Hyatte said. Now, that does NOT mean that I will "suck his crank." I will leave that to his little prepubescent fanboys who hang on his every word. But speaking of those fanboys, I'd like to show you a lovely little letter I got from one of Hyatte's readers: Dear Dan, After speaking with my legal advisors I hereby find that not only is there no way you can take my vote (or anyone elses for that matter) by any kind of proxy, but also that anyone who's proxy you co-opted can attempt a lawsuit for liable, or charge a fair rate for thier proxy. Zimri Geez. I try to make a joke, and I have to deal with this? For the record, when Hyatte didn't post those Mop-ups, I thought, "what a great opportunity to make a joke!" I typed up that little piece you see at the top of Chris' RAW Mop-Up, kind of a tribute to Hardcore Holly and Chris Jericho. Apparently, this Zimri dude didn't think it was funny. I think it was Dusty the Fat Bitter Cat who said it best when he asked, "Why do wrestling folk take themselves so damn seriously?" Zimri, take a good look in the mirror. Now, smack yourself upside the head and say, "I'm a loser." Good. One last thing. Hyatte, I really don't have a problem with you, but don't you ever...and Dan Doomsday means EVER...call the World's Most Dangerous Columnist "bitch" again. Get it? Got it? Good. Now that that's over with, I give you this week's Device, entitled... CLEANING UP WCW'S MESSES Don't worry, this is not the "Why WCW Sucks" column all over again. It's been done over and over and over...AND OVER!!! Nope, this is a response to the most recent WCW Magazine. As in the one that proclaimed Booker T the third greatest wrestler of the 90's. Now, with all due respect to Booker T, I have to say, "Nah-ah." There's a bunch more atrocities in WCW's list of the top 50 wrestlers of the 90's. Of course, I wasn't expecting to see Shawn Michaels, the Rock, or Mick Foley anywhere on that list, but I wasn't expecting to see Stevie Ray at #23, higher than Vader or Ricky Steamboat. So, what I did was I made my own top 50 list for WCW, using these qualifications: Do we understand each other? Yes? Good. Then, without any further ado, I give you WCW's top 50 wrestlers of the 90's. #50: PSYCHOSIS Coming to WCW in 1996, Psycosis has yet to rise above the "Jobber to the Stars" level, despite having more talent than most of his fellow Luchadores. Psychosis only has a one-week reign as Crusierweight Champion to show for it, but he's been a big contributor to WCW's cruiserweight division, having classic matches with the likes of Rey Mysterio and Dean Malenko. Next! #49: LA PARKA The "Chairman of WCW" is a very recognizable face...err...mask...err...whatever on Nitro, Thunder, and Saturday Night. His distinctive ring presence makes him distinctly identifiable with WCW. Like I said, that was a factor. #48: EL GIGANTE What can I say? He was a big part of WCW in the early 90's and that counts for something...kind of. It doesn't count for THAT much, but he was buddies with Sting and an enemy of the Horsemen, and he was a great enemy for other big men like Sid Vicious, Vader, and the One Man Gang. #47: RODDY PIPER Now, I have no love lost for Hot Rod, but I still had to put him on here, based on the fact that Hogan laid down for him TWICE during his WCW career. Add to that the US Title, and Piper has actually done a lot of stuff in his WCW career. That said, he's more identifiable with the WWF, where he main-evented Wrestlemania I, and remained involved with the WWF until 1996. So, Piper is #48. Next? #46: CURT HENNIG Here we have another star who has had a big run in WCW, but is more identifiable with the WWF. Hennig spent more than half the decade with the WWF, as a wrestler, commentator, and "Executive Consultant." In WCW, Hennig has been a US Champ, a tag champ, and a member of the NWO, but to wrestling fans, he's still "Mr. Perfect," which means he's more WWF, which hurts his stock in this list. #45: MENG I no longer think of this guy as Haku, which is a sure sign that his years in the WWF are no bigger than his years in WCW. Meng has been around, and he's managed to not get old. He's still considered dangerous, but he can't get past the midcard. He's still a big part of WCW, though, and that's all I have to say about that. #44: KONNAN Oyale! Arriba la raza! Konnan certainly did his share of arriba-ing during his four years in WCW. A US Champ, a TV Champ, an ultra-popular member of the Wolfpack, Konnan has done quite a bit. But he also had his involvement with Master P, not to mention a stint in the Dungeon of Doom, so Konnan doesn't go very far in this list. #43: BARRY WINDHAM He's a Horseman. That in itself is enough to make this countdown, unless you're Paul Roma, in which case you should please take this opportunity to smack yourself upside the head. In addition, he had a run as NWA champion, and WCW tag title reigns with Curt Hennig and Dustin Rhodes, and a TV title reign where he traded the belt with a guy by the name of Steve Austin. With the exception of an unforgettable run in the WWF (and believe me, I only WISH that I could forget it), Windham is solidly WCW, but he's not WCW enough to get beyond #43. #42: JOHNNY B. BADD Before there was the Wildman or Marvelous Marc, before there was Sable or Jaclyn, there was Johnny B. Badd. Originally a protege of Teddy Long, Badd built himself into a major player, despite the stupid character creatred for him by the same man who brought you Cheatum the Evil Midget, Dusty Rhodes. He even got to have Kimberly for a valet, now ain't THAT cool. Oh, did I mention he was a TV Champion? That too. #41: ALEX WRIGHT This "Dancing Fool" is a former TV and Cruiserweight champ, and a WCW mainstay over the last few years. He never made it past the midcard, but he did some damn good stuff. #40: KEVIN SULLIVAN This man was a symbol of WCW...WCW stupidity, that is. The "Allegiance to End Hulkamania" was a big storyline, but it was also a big snoozefest. The only saving grace was the feud that developed between Sullivan and Chris Benoit. That feud counts for something, and so does a Tag Title reign wiht Cactus Jack. Not bad, eh? #39: DISCO INFERNO This is a guy who worked his way from being a jobber into being a TV Champ, a cruiserweight contender, a Wolfpack member, and one of the best comedians that WCW has to offer. He's also a solid wrestler who can play either the face or the heel, and he's been both during his WCW career. #38: JUVENTUD GUERERRA One of the best parts of WCW in the mid-to-late 90's has been the cruiserweight division, and one of the brightest stars of that division has been Juventud Guererra. He personifies the high energy style that has made cruiserweight wrestling my favorite part of WCW, and he gets over well with the crowd, especially without his mask. #37: STEVEN REGAL In the WWF, he was the laughable "Real Man's Man." In WCW, he's been a hated villain and a multi-reign TV Champion. He'll never get past the mid-card, but he's still a good guy to have if you're WCW. #36: KIDMAN Start out with a good-looking kid. Add an underdog character and an array of flashy, high-flying moves. Mix well, and you have a great Cruiserweight champ, and one of WCW's few home-grown success stories. He's gone from jobber to Flock member to cruiserweight champ to tag champ, and the sky is still the limit. #35: PERRY SATURN Good wrestler, good character. He's been a singles and tag team star in WCW, he's had memorable feuds with Raven, Chris Jericho, and now the Triad. This ECW import has worked out well for all concerned. #34: THE Z-MAN A US Tag Champ with Brian Pillman, a Six-Man Champ with Dustin Rhodes and Big Josh. A friend of Sting, and an enemy of the York Foundation. A TV Champ, beating Arn Anderson. Hard to believe that Tom Zenk did all that in his WCW career. Also, he was a good tag team partner for WCW rookies like Marcus Bagwell and Johnny Gunn. Zenk was a big part of WCW's early 90's success, and he rarely gets any recognition. Tom Zenk, I SALUTE YOU (Sorry Bill). #33: STEVIE RAY Hey, WCW had him 10 spots higher than this. The fact of the matter is, this guy has 8 Tag Team Championiships to speak of, all of them in WCW. Not bad for a guy with very few moves, little mobility, and enough charisma to get by. Tag success only gets you so far, and for Stevie Ray, THIS is "so far." #32: BOBBY EATON The Midnight Express member found his way into more teams in the 90's, winning tag gold with Arn Anderson, and forming a respectable midcard team with Steven Regal. Oh, did I mention that he beat Anderson for the TV Title, which he then held until falling victim to a guy named Steve Austin? How about a classic time-limit draw with Ric Flair at a Clash of the Champions? WCW calls him the most underrated wrestler of all time, and I'm hard pressed to disagree. #31: DUSTIN RHODES When considering the accomplishments of Dustin Rhodes, you are probably best off if you DO forget the name of...shhhh....goldust. Before he decided he wanted implants, Dustin Rhodes was a Six-Man Tag Champ with the Z-Man and Big Josh, a World Tag Champion with both Ricky Steamboat and Barry Windham, and a US Champion, winning a classic 2-out-of-3 series with Rick Rude, may he rest in piece. Kind of makes you wish you never heard of Goldust, doesn't it? #30: RON SIMMONS Congratulations, Ron Simmons, you are the lowest ranked World Champion on this list. The fact of the matter is that Simmons was a mediocre champion at best, and his title reign was probably a publicity stunt on the part of WCW. Whatever, he still had a great tag team with Butch Reed, a team that spelled DOOM for opponents. Heh heh, Doom. Oh yeah, he also won the US Tag title with Big Josh. Bet you didn't know that! #29 SID VICIOUS COngratulations, Sid, you are the SECOND lowest ranked World Champion on this list...oh wait, you never were the WCW Champ. You were going to be, but then you did something you should never have done. Didn't your mommy ever tell you not to play with scissors? In any case, Sid has been a monster heel everywhere he's gone, and it just might lead to a WCW title reign, if WCW doesn't screw thinks up, which is about as likely as Hyatte winning the Pulitzer Prize. Sid's still a great heel, no matter what. Just keep that mic away from him. #28: BRET HART You left the WWF for THIS?! WCW has not been kind to the Hitman. An all-time favorite of mine, Bret's multiple US Title reigns, status in the NWO, feud with Sting, and all that other crap get him something, but they don't get him much! Sorry, Bret. #27: RAVEN Whether or not you count the light-heavyweight success of Scotty Flamingo, Scott Levy and WCW have been a good fit in the 90's. A Tag belt here, a US belt there, and a lot of fan reaction as both a face and a heel. Raven brought hardcore to ECW, and he's going to bring himself more gold as we head into the new millenium. #26: RICK RUDE What I would like to have right now is for all you fat, out-of-shape, Internet idiots to keep the noise down and pay some respect to one of the best damn heels WCW ever had. In his WCW run, Rude had classic feuds with the likes of Sting, Ricky Steamboat, Ric Flair, and others. He also made an impact as a manager, acting as a mouthpiece for the NWO B-Team, which was good, because those guys all sucked. #25: CHRIS JERICHO Hi, my name is Dan Doomsday, and I am a Jerichoholic. Man, was it not even four years in WCW? Talk about doing damage. The 5 time Cruiserweight champion and former TV Champ made Nitro an interesting show both in and out of the ring. While the best is yet to come for the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah, the past looks pretty damn good also. Did I mention that Scott Hall actually laid down for him once? All hail our Role Model and Paragon of Virtue! #24: RICKY STEAMBOAT Never mind his Wrestlewar '89 classic with Ric Flair. Never mind his epic encounter with Randy Savage at Wrestlemania 3. Never mind anything he did in the 80's. In the 90's Ricky Steamboat was a Tag Team champion with both Dustin Rhodes and Shane Douglas, and a TV titleholder, winning the strap from Steve Austin in another classic match. Add a US title feud with Rick Rude, and you have an underrated run for Steamboat in the 90's. #23: REY MYSTERIO, JR. WCW made a big mistake when they didn't let Mysterio pin Ric Flair at this year's Monday Nitro Spring Breakout (or whatever they call it). A World Title reign would have capped an incredible WCW run for "Rey Rey." With the mask, without the mask, whatever, Rey has been a great star for WCW. Against the heavyweights, he plays the underdog to perfection, case and point his wins over Kevin Nash, Bam Bam Bigelow and Scott Norton. Against the cruiserweights, he still puts together a great match, despite his knee problems. With Kidman as a partner, they formed the greatest high-flying tag team since the Rockers. Two words: Rey Rules. #22: MARCUS BAGWELL Before Buff was the stuff, Marcus Bagwell was a four-time tag team champ, teaming with the Patriot, 2 Cold Scorpio, and Scotty Riggs. With movie star good looks, a lot of athleticism, and a healthy supply of charisma, Bagwell has been in WCW since 1992. Longevity=identifiablity, and "Buff Daddy" is WCW through and through. Look for big things from Buff in the future, but his past still earns him a choice spot on this list. #21: CHRIS BENOIT Being a darling of the Internet doesn't get you much in WCW, especially if you're Chris Benoit. Despite the indifference of the WCW booking staff, Benoit has managed to sneak in a tag title reign, a few unrecognized stints as TV champion, and his current reign as US champ. He's also become one of WCW's most popular stars, but that doesn't mean he couldn't get booed if he needed to. That's how good Benoit is, and that's why he's here. #20: EDDIE GUERERRO For the record, Eddie does NOT suck. He's been US Champ, Cruiserweight Champ, beloved fan favorite, hated heel, whatever else you can think of. He's a great high-flyer, a solid mat wrestler, and he has charisma to spare. His ring skills unharmed by a nasty car accident last year, look for more from Eddie in the future. #19: DEAN MALENKO Like Guererro, Malenko has been a Cruiserweight Champ and a US Champ, not to mention Tag Champ. He's a former Horseman, and that means something, unless you're Paul Roma, in which case you can please smack yourself again. He's a great mat wrestler, and he's actually managed to turn that into a pro wrestling career. #18: THE GIANT I've almost forgotten about the Giant. He may already be the "Big Show," but this is still a former Tag Champ, a former World Champ, a former (kind of) US champ, and he did some of his best ring work in WCW. I still remember him coming off the top rope with a missle dropkick in a Saturday Night match against Roadblock. A great face and a great heel, the Giant was a main eventer for 2 years in WCW. Not bad. #17: BIG VAN VADER It still leaves a bad taste in my mouth when I think about Vader's stint in the WWF. Maybe it would be different if HBK had agreed to lie down for him, but Vader was a completely different wrestler in WCW. He was a world champion, a multi-dimensional talent, and just plain SCARY! And then Vince screwed it up. Boy, does that sound weird! #16: THE GREAT MUTA Sting vs. Muta, Flair vs. Muta, Luger vs. Muta, you name it, the Great Muta was a great star in WCW in the early 90's. The mist, the acrobatics, the mystery that was the Great Muta made a great heel for WCW. And a great heel is just as great as a great face. Long live Muta! #15: BRIAN PILLMAN Pillman did it all in his WCW career. He was the high-flying, good-looking fan favorite, and as such, he was a US Tag Champ and a Light Heavyweight Champ. Then, he became the hated villain, and he became a multiple time World Tag Team Champ. Eventually, he also became a Horseman, and like I said, Horsemen are cool, with the exception of Paul Roma. In any case, Pillman was one of the greats. Rest in peace, Brian. You are sorely missed. #14: STEVE AUSTIN Forget Stone Cold Steve Austin for a second. If you can, try to forget the Ringmaster. Now, let's talk about "Stunning" Steve Austin. Before the middle fingers and the Coors Light, and the five million different T-Shirts, there was a superb technical wrestler. He held the World TV Title and the World Tag Title on several occasions. He went as far as being the US Champion. Then, he lost the US strap to Jim Duggan. Yes, that Jim Duggan. Then, he got hurt. While he was healing, he had a conversation with Eric Bischoff about black boots and black trunks and marketing strategies. Sound familiar? The rest may be history, but Austin has spent just as much time in WCW as in the WWF, and his accomplishments there deserve to be recognized. #13: BOOKER T Between his eight tag title reigns and his multiple TV Title reigns, Booker T has been one of the most consistent performers in WCW in the 90's. WCW Magazine called him the third greatest wrestler. I had to knock him down ten spots, but you still have to respect Booker T. #12: SCOTT HALL This is the guy who started the whole thing with the nWo. This is the guy who, along with Kevin Nash, dominated the tag ranks for two years. He probably shouldn't have, but he did. He also won the US Title, not that he defended it or anything like that. He also did Kevin Nash's jobbing for him. He's been a great star for WCW, probably the key man behind their longtime ratings dominance. #11: RICK STEINER He's the DFG, he's the bully on the block, he's one half of THE greatest tag team of the 90's. His TV Title reign is just icing on the cake. Before there was Hogan, Savage, Hall, Nash, Piper, etc., there was Sting, Lex Luger, and the Steiners. Rick was a part of that. He may have held the WWF tag titles, but he'll always be remembered as a part of WCW. You want some? Come get some! #10 KEVIN NASH World Champ, Tag Champ, whatever. Along with Hall, Nash was the driving force behind the nWo. The best example was probably his imitation of Arn Anderson. That was his greatest spot in WCW (Not a spot like your dog Spot...). He's also been responsible for a lot of WCW stupidity, and that's as much a part of WCW hsitory as anything else. #9: DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE From manager to midcarder to main eventer, it's been a long way for DDP. I always doubted his potential to be a World Champion, but he proved me wrong, just like he's proved everyone else wrong along the way from his beginnings as a club owner. He's held every WCW Title that a heavyweight can hold. He's run the full spectrum. Face, heel, whatever. BANG! #8: SCOTT STEINER Holler if you hear Big Poppa Pump! No offense to Rick, but Scotty was always the better Steiner brother. He had the look of a champion, a wider array of moves, and no association with any other species. Even as a Steiner Brother, Scott seemed destined for singles stardom. In fact, just before leaving WCW for the WWF, he became TV Champion. Since becoming "Big Poppa Pump," Scott has become one of the most over heels in WCW. Now if only he could learn how to drive... #7: RANDY SAVAGE He followed Hogan, he teamed with Hogan, he fought with Hogan, he's lived in Hogan's shadow his entire WCW career, yet somehow he's managed three world title reigns. Now, with Gorgeous George at his side, he's ready to take his act into the new millenium, provided he doesn't become the President...right. #6: LEX LUGER Forget "Made in the USA." Forget "The Narcissist" (That means you, CRZ). Lex Luger is, was, and always will be the "Total Package." Like DDP, he's held every heavyweight title WCW has to offer. He's been a consistent main eventer throughout the 90's. He has the look of a champion, the charisma of a champion, and enough ring skills to get by. That is the "Total Package." #5: GOLDBERG It's tough to come into wrestling and go to the top in less than a year. That's what Bill Goldberg did, not unlike a certain wrestler who spends too much time with a dictionary. How did he do it? Intensity, mystery, and work ethic. Goldberg's in-ring intensity and Austin-like appearance often overshadow his ever-expanding repetoire of moves, but it's those moves that will keep him going long into the next century. #4: ARN ANDERSON This is his spot (Not a sp...wait, I already used that joke). The fact of the matter is that Arn Anderson was a TV Champ and a World Tag Champ. He was a mainstay for WCW in the 90's. Hell, Hulk Hogan laid down for him. Twice!! Heck, he's never laid down for Savage, but he laid down for Anderson. That's the kind of wrestler Arn Anderson has been. Time will tell if he can return to the ring, but even if he doesn't, he has a legacy in WCW that few can match. #3: HULK HOGAN It's hard to believe it, but Hogan's spent more of the 90's in WCW than in the WWF. Along the way, he's had a bunch of World title reigns, a bunch of main events, and he was the man for the nWo, the hottest merchandising phenomenon WCW has ever had. OK, Hogan, you've been great, now RETIRE! #2: RIC FLAIR WHOO! Ric Flair is WCW, and has been for most of his career. World Champ, US Champ, President, whatever. Not many guys can keep things going into their 50's, but Flair can because of his charisma. It's that charisma which make him one of the greatest of all time. #1: STING OK, I admit it, I'm a huge Sting mark. But you've got to admit, he's been with WCW since...forever. Or 1988. Whatever. In the 90's he's been World and US Champ, Tag Champ, and always a reliable main eventer. Not even Goldberg has gotten a clean win on Sting. One of these days, Sting and Goldberg are going to have to have it out once and for all...and don't be surprised if the Stinger comes out on top! In the meantime, Sting has been WCW's best wrestler of the 90's. Bottom line. Damn, that took a while. Whatever. I might take next week off, but I never promised that I wouldn't, so if you have a problem with that, I have two words for ya: GOOD NIGHT! Dan Doomsday 2dope Mail the Author Visit 2dope |
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