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| Guest Columns | Dan Doomsday |
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THE DEVICE See Tony. See Tony Shill. Shill Tony Shill. Hello everyone, I'm Dan Doomsday, the World's Most Dangerous Columnist, and this is my weekly masterpiece, the most electrifying column in sports entertainment today, the Device. Now, normally, this is where I would have that little scoreboard with me and Sean Shannon, but I've made a decision. Yesterday, I had some free time, and I started reading some of his old columns, and I decided that he and I aren't all that different. Sean's actually a very level-headed guy, and he's said a lot of things that make sense. He's just doing his thing, having some fun, and so am I. And so, I officially declare my "feud" with Sean Shannon over. In place of the "scoreboard," I will now bring you quick opinions on things that have little or nothing to do with wrestling. DOOMSDAY ON MUSIC: The song of the week is Weird Al Issa...err...Yankovic's "The Saga Begins." It is, quite possibly, his best song ever. If you thought "Amish Paradise" was funny, you have to hear Al's Phantom Menace-influenced take on "American Pie." Damn. DOOMSDAY ON POLITICS: This past Sunday over breakfast, Mama Doomsday said that she'd rather have Vince McMahon as our senator (I live in NY) than Hillary Clinton. And let me tell you, Mama Doomsday HATES wrestling, and she hates Vince. Just goes to show you. DOOMSDAY ON TV: That new show on MTV, Undressed, is decent. I have to make damn well sure I don't get hooked. DOOMSDAY ON MOVIES: Detroit Rock City opens this Friday, and I am psyched. As much hate mail as this will probably get me, I am a KISS fan, and I'm also looking forward to their performance on Nitro. I guess no one told Eric Bischoff that KISS stands for Knights In Satan's Service! OK, enough bullshit, let's talk some wrestling. In this week's Device, I'm going to do a huge run-down of the WWF, from Stone Cold right on down. I will give my unaduterated opinions. I will cut no slack, and I will take no prisoners. Actually, I'd like to take Debra prisoner, but that's another story altogether. So, without any further ado, I give you this week's Device, entitled... WWF Under the Doomsdayscope The WWF is the most successful wrestling promotion in the world today. Duh. They have a lot of talent, and they know how to use it, generally speaking. So, I'm going to take a good look at this thing, starting with the WWF Champion, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and going down through all of the RAW and Heat regulars. Stone Cold Steve Austin is probably one of the worst technical wrestlers I've ever seen, but that's only because he has to be. Steve Austin is a very capable technician in the ring. If you doubt me, get yourself a tape of some of his matches with Ricky Steamboat for the WCW TV Title, especially, their 9/2/92 encounter from the Clash of the Champions. "Stunning" Steve Austin was as technically sound as any wrestler short of Dean Malenko. So, why doesn't this show in the WWF? Because it doesn't fit his character. Austin's entire character can be summed up in nine words: I don't care, I'm just gonna kick your ass. That's what Austin does. He just goes in and beats the hell out of people, because that's the way the people want it, and they pay good money to support it. And we all know that THAT'S the bottom line. Triple H is one of the most overrated wrestlers to come along in years. He has a lame finisher in the Pedigree, and two lame set-ups in the facebuster and the high knee. I simply cannot get excited about watching Triple H in the ring, unless he's wrestling the Rock, in which case you have a classic in the making. As far as mic skills go, he has some good stuff. He also has a good look that works for a face or a heel. However, I really don't think he's a real main eventer yet, and he's certainly not the next WWF Champion. Bye bye, Dave Gagnon. The Rock has evolved from the disaster that was "Rocky Maivia" into the most electrifying man in sports entertainment today. When he joined the Nation, he unleashed some of the most entertaining mic work ever seen in the WWF, which covered up his lacking ring skills while he added new moves to his repetoire. Today, the Rock is the complete package. He has the look, he has the personality, he has the moves, and he has the people in the palm of his hand the second he steps onto the ramp. Billy Gunn is really coming into his own as a heel. He's always had talent in the ring, but until the New Age Outlaws split, he never had the mic skills. I still don't think he could get over as a face. The mic skills he's developed are more suited to the heel role he's in now. As far as ring skills, he reminds me a lot of Sting. Like Sting, Gunn is as comfortable getting up for a dropkick as he is taking an opponent into the air for a press slam. I don't know if he'll be the World Champion, as some have predicted for him, but he'll be a major heel for as long as he wants to be. The Undertaker has made his character last since 1990, while his ring skills have fluctuated up and down during that time. As of late, he's been putting on some pounds around the middle, but when he's in shape, he's pretty gifted for a big man. As is Paul Wight. Wight is another one of those wrestlers who is limited in the ring by the nature of his character. I've seen him do a missle dropkick from the top rope. That's impressive, but it really doesn't work for this heel incarnation of "The Big Show." The Big Show that teams with the Undertaker needs to be this "immovable object." He needs to be a big, powerful giant. That limits what he can do, as does his tendency to put on weight. In any case, he's still a good fit for the WWF. Kane, on the other hand, has been energized by his new role as a face. He seems to have dropped some weight, and it shows in his newfound mobility. In the last couple of weeks, we've seen him unleash an inseguiri and a sliding dropkick, and nobody takes the "hot tag" like Kane does. He's a great partner for X-Pac, and he's a great face. X-Pac is a great foil for Kane. He's an eternal underdog, which works, because he sells moves very well. He has those martial arts kicks, which always go over very well with the crowd. The X-Factor isn't a great finisher, but with Kane around, he doesn't really need one. Unfortunately, the Road Dogg has found himself in limbo. His ring skills are mediocre, but he's a good hardcore wrestler, and his mic work is always a crowd-pleaser. At the moment though, the "Dogg" is all dressed up with no place to go. Expect him to do the job to Chris Jericho at Summmerslam. What can be said about Chris Jericho that hasn't been said already? He's a great wrestler, as his work in WCW, ECW, Mexico, and Japan shows. He's also great on the mic, as he showed last night by trading barbs with the Rock and complimenting him perfectly. He really is the Millennium Man! The Acolytes are coming into their own as a 21st century version of the Road Warriors. They're big, strong, tough guys who just get in the ring and kick people's asses. They have a good team identity, which is often lacking in today's tag teams. Their mic skills are lacking, but that doesn't make too much of a difference for these guys. Ron Simmons is approaching the twilight of his career, and Bradshaw will continue on in some way when Simmons finally hangs it up. Meanwhile, though, the Acolytes are a solid team. Hardcore Holly. Good Mick Almighty. The August 1999 issue of Wrestle America has an article about how Holly needs to conquer his past as Sparky Plugg. Consider that past as having been conquered. Holly has acquired a hilarious new personality to accompany his talents in the ring. The interaction between Holly and the Big Show is nothing short of laugh-ou-loud funny. He's probably reached the apex of his career, but he's an important piece of the WWF's puzzle. This would probably be a good place to mention Mick Foley. I'm trying to keep some kind of order to this thing based on the current angles, but with Mick on the sidelines, I don't know where to fit him in, and this is as good a place as any. Not like I need to extoll the virtues of Mick Foley. He will go to all ends to entertain the fans, both on the mic and in the ring, or the cage as the case may be. He's great, and he was finally rewarded around the beginning of this year with the WWF Title. Ken Shamrock has dropped out of the title picture once again to feud with Steve Blackman. Fear not, though. While Shamrock may not have the best mic skills in the world, he's got enough ring skills and silent charisma to make up for it. Expect him to put Blackman over in the Lion's Den at Summerslam (Down, CRZ!) before returning to the title picture. Steve Blackman has done some work as far as mic skills go, but he needs to add some more real wrestling moves to his repetoire befor he can feud with anyone other than Shamrock. His mic skills aren't the best, and he's not that great in the ring, but he'll do. "He'll do" is about the highest praise I'll offer Blackman, but it won't get him any titles in the near future. It will, however secure him some place in the Shane McMahon/Test feud. Test has established himself as the next big star in the WWF. He's got a bigger repetoire of moves than anyone his size. He's got some good charisma, and his mic skills are starting to catch up to his in-ring abilities. It's only a matter of time before Andrew Martin becomes a main-eventer in the WWF. Joey Abs is an ok wrestler, but he's not that great in the ring, and his mic work sucks. Expect some kind of gimmick overhaul in the near future. D-Lo Brown is the man. Plain and simple. He has a lot of charisma and solid mic skills. In his Intercontinental Title Match with Jeff Jarrett, D-Lo put on a veritable wrestling clinic. Y'All better recognize. Jarrett, for his part, has solid ring skills. Did anyone see that dropkick he hit as D-Lo came off the top rope? I have never seen anyone hit that spot as well as Jarrett hit it last Monday. As far as getting over, he's more over than he gets credit for, but we'll see how he does when his involvement with Debra (and her puppies) has run its course. Edge is finally having that feud with Gangrel, and it's getting interesting. Edge has no real mic skills, but his charisma and ring skills more than make up for it. Ditto Gangrel. The Gothic One is making his presence felt with a good array of ring skills, and a well developed character, and now he has the Hardy Boys in on things. The darlings of the Internet got that way by having amazing ring talents, and by allying themselves with Gangrel, they might very well develop a solid personality to go with those ring skills. Christian works well in this situation. He's a high flyer with a lot of innovative moves in the ring as well. He may be too small to go anywhere outside of this feud, and Gangrel's character might not work well outside this feud, but then again, there's nothing wrong with this feud. Al Snow is a good wrestler, but really nothing special, and the Head gimmick has kind of worn itself out. Pepper is kind of cute, but he's not going to get Al over on a long-term basis. The Big Bossman is ok. He's not a real 90's wrestler in the ring, but he can work a decent hardcore match. Plus, he's learned how to cut a good promo! I cracked up when he said, "I'll get you and your little dog too." I guess he learned that from going home to a witch every night (just kidding, I've never met the Bossman's wife, and for all I know, she could be a beautiful woman, so what do I know?). The Godfather has carved out a niche for himself in the WWF. While he'll never be a favorite of Herb Kunze, he's a much better wrestler than people give him credit for. There aren't too many 6'8" guys who can get up for a dropkick, and his legdrop is a nice-looking set-up. Add a Ho Train and a Pimp Drop, and you have a damn good wrestler. Val Venis is probably overrated as far as his wrestling abilities go, but his mic work is always fresh, and his character is one of the best creations the WWF has had in a long time. Droz is a natural athlete, and could be a major talent in years to come if the pieces come together in the right way. His character needs some tweaking, but the athleticism is there. Prince Albert is a waste. He has no real mic skills, no real ring skills, and no reason for existence in the WWF. That said, I can tolerate him. Vic Grimes is supposedly another Mick Foley, but since I don't follow the indy circuit, only time will tell. Chaz is a talented wrestler, but the "I'm From Jersey" thing is being done, and while Marianna is a nice piece of eye candy, she's not going to get him over. Maybe association with the Godfather and Venis will help, especially if the WWF's favorite pimp takes an eye to Marianna. Meat is on the bottom of the barrel. His gimmick sucks, he has no real great talent in the ring, and he doesn't really feud with anyone except PMS, and you can't get in the ring with them. Time for a gimmick overhaul. Well, that's the WWF in a nutshell. I didn't go into the Super Astros guys, mainly because I don't know all of them, and they don't really come into play on the main stage. Well, until next week, this is the World's Most Dangerous Columnist, Dan Doomsday, signing off. Good night, everybody! Dan Doomsday 2dope Mail the Author Visit 2dope |
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