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| Guest Columns | Dan Doomsday |
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THE DEVICE - EXTRA Mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice, you are all now reading Dan Doomsday's DEVICE. Hello everyone, this is the World's Most Dangerous Columnist, Dan Doomsday, and I'd like to extend a special welcome to everyone reading this on Showstoppas.com. We'll get started in just a second, but first this... DOOMSDAY 5, SHANNON 0! You know, last night, I had a little free time, and I thought about all the problems WCW's been having lately, and I said to myself, "Self, what would you do if you ran WCW?" So I sat down and I fantasy booked next week's NItro, then did a CRZ-esque recap. I kept it realistic, using the angles they have going, but I did a better job than anyone at WCW could do. At least, that's what I think. Judge for yourself as you read... WCW DOOMSDAY NITRO WCW-Don't Miss A Minute (This week won't suck!) LAST WEEK: Benoit got screwed again, Dennis Rodman kidnapped Gorgeous George, and Kevin Nash pinned Hulk Hogan with help from Rick Steiner. Opening theme-'nuff said. WCW Nitro is coming to you LIVE from wherever they are this week. Your announcers are SCOTT HUDSON and BOBBY "THE BRAIN" HEENAN. Hudson is lost because he never got a card for tonight. What? No cool graphics? OK, this might be why, as (THIS IS) STING comes out to the ring, and - oh my Lord - is that a CLIPBOARD!?!? Indeed it is. Let's listen to what he has to say, "OK, last week wasn't the best beginning I could have had, but rest assured, I'M BACK!! And I am BACK IN BLACK!! Now, I was thinking about it, and there were a bunch of things I should have done when I gained control of WCW, but I didn't do 'em last week. So, I'm gonna do 'em RIGHT NOW! Let's see here...Number One: Charles Robinson, "Little Naitch," you can take that striped shirt off RIGHT NOW because as of this moment, YOU ARE SUSPENDED! Number Two: David Flair, tonight, you will defend the United States Title against Chris Benoit, and you will do it IN A STEEL CAGE! And just to make sure there's no funny business, I've appointed a special referee, and his name is Eric Bischoff. Number Three: Hardcore matches are hereby reinstated. Number Four: You know, I don't like politics, and I don't like people getting special favors, and for the last month or so, Diamond Dallas Page, Kanyon, and Bam Bam Bigelow, you've been getting special favors. So, as of right now, "Triad Rules" are hereby ABOLISHED! Tonight, DDP and Bigelow, you will defend the Tag Team Titles against Dean Malenko and Shane Douglas. And to make sure that it's JUST DDP and Bigelow, Kanyon, you will be HANDCUFFED to GOLDBERG. Oh, and last, but not least, Number Five: You know, I saw what happened last week with Rick Dogface, and that is not going to happen on my watch! So tonight, in this ring, we're going to have Rick Steiner against Hulk Hogan. And Kevin Nash, you are barred from ringside. Goodnight, says the President!" WOW! That was so monumental that we need to catch our breath! -Goldberg needs nourishment for his match tonight, so he and Meng eat pizza. -The Nitro Girls dance for us...hey, where's Whisper? Match #1: [el] VAMPIRO [canadiense] (w/ICP) v. "OUTRAGEOUS" EVAN KARAGIAS: Karagaias starts out nicely with a couple of armdrags and a dropkick. Pin attempt gets 2. Vamp heads to the outside to chat with Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, but all three of them get nailed by a plancha from Karagias. Evan throw Vamp back in the ring, then gets stomped on as he rolls in. Martial Arts kicks from Vamp, who then proceeds to demolish poor Evan. Whip into the corner, and Vamp runs right into Karagias' boots. Evan up on the second turnbuckle...cross bodyblock, but Vampiro catches Evan and turns into a Juvi driver for the win (4:28). Not a bad showing for Evan. The kid has potential. -WCW Mastercard, you can even get one with K-Dogg on it! Who's next, Jason Hervey?: Match 2: [billy] KIDMAN vs. INTERNET DARLING LASH LEROUX: Wristlock by Leroux, Kidman goes down, flips around and kicks back up, and reverses the wristlock. Hammerlock by Kidman, elbow by Lash, to the ropes, shoulderblock, to the ropes again, Kidman leapfrog, hiptoss by Kidman. And an armdrag. And a dropkick. And another. Leroux rolls outside, only to be nailed with a baseball slide which sends him back into the guardrail. Kidman charges, but gets thrown into the crowd. Leroux waits for Kidman in the ring. When he gets there, Lash throws Kidman in the corner. Chop (WHOOOO!), chop (WHOOOO!), snap suplex. Lash up top, guillotine legdrop...MISSED! Both men trying to get to their feet, but who's that in the aisle? It's BIG POOCHIE, and he's walking to the ring. Leroux is on his feet, but he gets a Jacknife. Nash has Kidman now, and YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDM...ok, I guess you can. Guess this one's over (3:11) Nash has the mic: "Who says you can't powerbomb Kidman?" Oh boy. "President Sting says I'm barred from ringside for the main event tonight. Well, that's just fine by me. Rick Steiner can handle himself. But Hogan, in Sturgis, there's nothing that Sting can do to save your title, because everybody knows that Big Sexy is just...too...SWEEEEET!" Wow, I haven't heard that in a while. Jimmy Baron phones in the Road Report. Hey, why is he always at the same hotel if he's on the road? Video package documenting the history between Hogan and Nash. More Nitro Girls. Hey! GENE O. works tonight! And he brings out "MACHO MAN" RANDY SAVAGE (w/Gorgeous George). Ya da ya da ya...Macho Man wants Dennis Rodman in Sturgis, Macho Man's running for president, Macho Man is going to make the Worm pay for what he did to George, if you smell what he's cooking. But wait, there's Rodman on the big screen, and he has something to say, except that I really don't care what it is. In any case, we have another match for Road Wild. Whoop-de-do. STILL TO COME: Hulk Hogan vs. Rick Steiner (sorry, the graphic took a while) That pizza's so good, Goldberg and Meng want more. Backstage, Vincent tells Adams to go give that punk Booker T a beating. Match #3: BRIAN ADAMS (Please forgive him...) v. BOOKA T: Footage from last week, where T protected his brother from a gang beating from the nWo. Right hands from T, shoulderblock, clothesline, scoops slam. Adams to the outside. T poses for the crowd. Adams back inside. Tie-up, Adams with a knee, double sledge to the back, and another. Kicks to the side, and a pin attempt gets 1 and a half. Scoop and a slam by Adams. I can't wait to see what he looks like with KISS paint. Legdrop and a cover...2 this time. Whip to the ropes...tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. T in the corner now, and Adams with a foot choke. It's time to take a break. Spree has Goldberg in their commercial. When we come back, it's Adams still in control, and he takes T for a vertical suplex. Cover attempt gets 2. T into the corner again, Adams follows, but T moves. Powerslam by T. Both men are down. "Blind" Mickey Jay starts counting. But wait! T is breakdancing, and T wants to raise the roof. Here's a Harlem Sidekick, which is enough to bring out VINCENZO and HORACE. But wait! Here comes STEVIE RAY (with "fruit booty" on his mind, "Slap Jack" on his ass, and a blackjack in his hand). Blackjack takes out Vincent. Another one for Horace. Booker T hits the missle dropkick, and this one's over (8:25). But what's the deal with Harlem Heat? Are they back togetther? Not this week, as Ray goes back to the dressing room by himself. Next week on Nitro- CHAD BROCK! I wonder if he hates rap too? Promotional consideration by David Sunflower Seeds, 1-800-Collect, and Judge Wapner. They're lowering the cage! They're lowering the cage! Don't you dare change the channel! Just watch... The Nitro Girls (again), and we are into hour number 2. Not bad tonight actually. Match #4: DAVID SAMMARTINO...ERR...FLAIR (with Torrie Wilson) vs. CHRIS BENOIT in a Steel Cage Match for the United States Title: Your special guest referee is CRACKA EASY-E, so you know there's not going to be any funny business. Hey, it's better than having him on commentary! Flair looks around, tries to run, then drops to his knees and starts begging. I think I'm going to enjoy this. Eye poke by Dave, and he throws Benoit in the corner. Chop (WHOOO!), chop (WHOOO!), and Benoit looks amused. He throws Dave in the corner, and now it's his turn to chop (WHOOO!), chop (WHOOO!), and chop (WHOOO!) again. Snap suplex. 1..2..., Benoit pulls him up. Dave gets thrown into the cage. Dave gets thrown into the other side of the cage. Bischoff appears to be enjoying himself. Whip to the corner...FLAIR FLOP!! Benoit starts blowing snot rockets on Dave. Bischoff makes no move to stop him. Backbreaker. Benoit up top, diving headbutt. 1...2...pulls him up. Dave to the corner. Benoit with two more chops (WHOOO!) and another suplex? No, it's the Crippler Crossface! Dave starts tapping all over the place, Bischoff rings the bell, and we have a new US Champion (5:44). Thank the Lord. STILL TO COME: Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn take on DDP and Bam Bam. Hey, wanna buy a K-Dogg Shirt? Me neither. Hey, look! It's the exact same Shane Douglas interview we saw LAST WEEK! Match #5: SID VISCOUS vs. NO LIMIT SOLDIER CHASE TATUM (With Swoll, B.A., and 4X4): Chase tries to attack Sid before the bell, but no good. One right hand takes the No Limit Soldier down. Whip to the corner by Sid. Kicks in the corner, and this one is looking predictable. Sid yells at the crowd. He turns around just in time to get a shoulder to the gut from Tatum. Tatum tries to follow up with some double sledges, but they have no effect. Sid has Chase by the throat...AAAAAAH THE CHOKESLAM!!!! Sid picks up Chase again...there's the powerbomb. 1...2...3 (2:56). Sid keeps kicking Tatum after the bell. B.A. comes in, and gets a chokeslam. 4X4 gets a powerbomb. Swoll puts up a fight, but he too gets a powerbomb. DDP's in some movie...or something. Match #6: REY MYSTERIO JNR vs. MIKEY SHIPWRECK for the WCW Cruiserweight Title: Rey, sporting FUBU this week, ducks Mikey's clothesline, kicks him in the stomach and delivers a facebuster. Here's a dropkick. And another. Split-legged moonsault! Pin...1 and a half. Whipwreck wants a breather. Rey comes running, Mikey ducks, and Rey Rey flips around in the ropes. Then, of course, Mikey gets caught with a plancha...hey, did you know plancha is Spanish for "iron," as in what you use on your clothes? Rey with a whip, but it gets reversed and Mysterio gets thrown into the rail. Press slam, and Rey's head hits the guardrail. Rey gets thrown in the ring. Mikey lays Mysterio's throat over the bottom rope...inside out guillotine legdrop! Pin attempt gets 2 and a half. Backbreaker by Whipreck, and a legdrop. Still can't get a pin. Mikey starts stomping. Now we have a choke. Referee "Blind" Johnny Boone warns Mikey about choking. Mikey yells at Boone, then gets schoolboyed for a two count. Mikey picks Rey up...Rey gets a small package for two. Mikey's pissed off. He kicks Mysterio, then whips him in to the corner, follow...NOBODY HOME! Mikey eats a dropkick and falls into the corner. Rey in the opposite corner...BRONCO BUSTER! Rey up top, Mikey shakes the rope, then hits a huracanrana. Mikey yells at the crowd, then goes up top, he's taking too long, and Rey shakes the rope. WAIT A MINUTE!! ICP crawled out from under the ring, and Violent J's holding Mikey's shorts. Rey goes for the huracanrana, but he just falls. Here's a guillotine legdrop, 1..2...new cruiserweight champ (6:30). , and it's a beatdown on Rey Rey, but here's EDDY GUERERRO and I HATE KONNAN to make the save. Let's go to commercial. Buy Spree!! Even if you bought it last time we showed the commercial, buy it again! Scenes from last week, when the Revolution brawled with the Triad. Match #7: DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE and TRIPPA B (with [khris] Kanyon) vs. DEAN MALENKO and SHANE DOUGLAS for the WCW Tag Team Titles: Before the match gets under way, we have to have an entrance for COLD BEER, who will be handcuffed to Kanyon so he can't interfere. Why do I have the feeling someone's going to attack Goldberg? Anyway, we have brawling, Malenko with DDP and Douglas with Bam Bam. Snap suplex by Malenko, belly-to-belly by Shane, and the Jersey Boys want time out. More brawling on the outside, and we're going to go to commercial. When we get back, things have come to order, and Malenko is staring down DDP. Tie-up, wristlock by Malenko, shoulderblocks to the arm, DDP reverses, hammerlock, elbow by Malenko, to the ropes, shoulder tackle. Dean to the ropes the other way, knee to the back by Bigelow. Dean gets worked over for a good 3 minutes, then Bigelow misses the headbutt, we have a hot tag. Douglas is a house of fire. Kanyon trying to get to the ring, but Goldberg starts beating on him. Wait, who's that in the crowd? It's SID VISCOUS with a pair of bolt cutters! He nails Goldberg with them,cuts Kanyon free, then leaves. Kanyon runs in, causes the DQ, and saves the titles (11:11...make a wish). Here's Benoit and Saturn from the back, and it's a big brawl. Revolution wins the brawl. Commercial time. Promotional consideration by the exact same people as last time. Some WCW race car had another crappy finish...raise your hand if you care. Goldberg is storming through the back, he wants Sid. He finds Sid, and they have to be broken up by security. Join the Slam Society! 25 bucks and NO FREE TICKETS! Nitro Girls dance some more, because we're about to start hour 3. GENE O. works again! Hey, is someone cookin' up some Voodoo Chili? Yep, here comes YOU KNOW WHO. "You know something, Mean Gene..." Nah. Basically, Hogan talks trash about Steiner, says a few things about Nash, then leaves. STILL TO COME: Hulk Hogan vs. Rick Steiner (You will worship this graphic!) That pizza must be good!! Match #8: A REAL MAN'S MAN STEVEN REGAL (with Dave Taylor) vs. SCOTT PUTSKI: Regal kick to the stomach, European uppercuts, Irish whip in honor of the injured Fit Finlay, clothesline. Regal's stomping a mudhole in Putski. Back up, Northern Lights Suplex and a bridge gets 2. This match is so important, we have to go to commercial. But don't worry, they have the cameras rolling. When we get back, no one is surprised that Regal is still kicking Putski's buttski. But Putski ducks a clothesline and hits a crossbody for 2. Arm drag. Hiptoss. Dropkick. Putski up top, Regal catches him, beals him. Regal Stretch coming up, but look out into the aisle! It's JAMES HART and THE FIRST FAMILY. Regal's distracted, and he gets schoolboyed for the upset win(8:03). More commercials. And we're back. Is that James Brown I hear? Must be, because making his way down the aisle is THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION AND GODFATHER OF SOUL THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo). Hey! Someone actually came to see the Cat dance! Well, they saw it! Someone call the Cat's momma! Apparently, Ernest is none too happy about losing to Evan Karagias last week (know what I mean, Vern?). He feels like going in the back and getting his karate gi so he can whup everyone's ass. Before he can continue, he's interrupted by BUFF IS THE STUFF. We have a challenge for Road Wild, we have a match for Road Wild. Wasn't it back in June when Buff scored a pin on Flair? What's he doing with Miller. Oh well. Commerical Time. Get a WCW Mastercard...or not. EARLIER TONIGHT: New US Champion Chris Benoit. Match #9: CURT HENNIG (w/The West Texas Rednecks) vs. CHAVO GUERERRO, JR.: Hennig hates rap. Armdrag by Chavo, and another. Hiptoss. To the ropes...Duncum nails him with the cowbell rope thing. Abdominal stretch by Hennig. Referee "Blind" Nick Patrick doesn't see the first two times Hennig reaches out to Duncum, but catches him on the third. Chavo in the corner. Hennig with a chop (WHOOO!), chop (WHOOO!) and a snapmare, followed by the rolling head snap. Hennigplex time. It's over. (3:00) Goldberg wants you to BUY MORE SPREE! Promotional Consideration-You know the drill. Goldberg video package. NEXT: Hulk Hogan vs. Rick Steiner. You will never see this graphic again! More commercials (HEY! Fantasy booking is tough!) It's main event time at last. Here comes RICK WOOF WOOF. He's the DFG, in case you didn't know. If you don't like him, bite him. Ya da ya da ya. MORE COMMERCIALS. MATCH #10: YOU KNOW WHO vs. RICK WOOF WOOF in a Non-Title Match (because we haven't been told otherwise) Steiner attacks before the bell, but Hogan starts hulking up. We have a quick Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine bit, followed by a couple of clotheslines, and DFG heads to the outside. Hogan follows, rams Steiner to the ringpost. Back in the ring, Steiner stomps on Hogan as he's coming in. Belly-to-belly by Steiner. Stomping. Whip to the ropes, Steinerline. Pin attempt gets 2, we have to go to commercial, this action is so hot. Back again, and Steiner's still in control, choke on the rope. "Blind" Mickey Jay administers the count. More choking, more counting. Pin attempt gets two. Reverse chinlock...gee, I wonder what'll happen now! Jay checks the arm, again, Hogan's coming back, elbow, elbow, to the ropes, clothesline, clothesline. Big boot! Here comes SID VISCOUS, but he's stopped by COLD BEER. They start brawling. Hey, who's that in the Sting mask? Of course, it's BIG POOCHIE, and he starts laying into Hogan to cause a DQ (12:00). And now, here comes the real (THIS IS) STING. We have an even brawl, it could go either way, but here comes THE NARCISSIST! Whose side is he on. He just attacked Sting! Again! We're out of time. 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