Vampiro wears weird makeup
Tony can't call moves right
Mark Madden's mouth is open on Nitro Monday night.

Why does Eric love celebs? I guess we'll never know.
It's like he never learned from that fat-assed Will Sasso

And now let's get things started.
WHY DON'T YOU GET THINGS STARTED?!
Long promos get things started on the irritational, quite frustrational,
HELLebrational, Hogantational
THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL MONDAY NITRO!!!!!!

Actually, this is what they call the most electrifying column in sports entertainment today, The Device. And I am the World's Most Dangerous Columnist, the Pride of 2Dope, Your Internet Hero, Dartmouth Dan Doomsday. And you'll feel smarter after you read this week's column. Well, no, not really, but there really is some EXTRANEOUS BULLSHIT here.

LAKERS UPDATE: Lakers 2, Kings 0. YOU SEE THAT CRZ?!?! YOU SEE THAT?!?! Add 1 more, and it's on to Phoenix or San Antonio. It's the start of a dynasty, ladies and gentlemen, mark my words.

DAVID ARQUETTE: No. No, no, no. I don't know what else to say here that hasn't already been said, but I just hope that Vinny Ru and Uncle Eric have some kind of plan here...This may be the first time that I'm grateful to see a Dusty Finish.

DOOMSDAY ON MOVIES: If you can get to see Fantasia 2000 before it leaves theaters, do so. It's some fun stuff...classical music makes you smarter, you know. Among the best sequences are Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue," Elgar's "Pomp and Circumstance" (OOOOOOOOH YEAHHHHHHH), and the thing with the flamingos and the yo-yo. However, the thing with the flying whales was...wait for it...THE PRETZELS!!

DOOMSDAY ON MUSIC: Mick damn you, Vitamin C. I heard "Graduation (Friends Forever)" for the first time this week, and as I am graduating high school in June, I must say that I got a teeny tiny bit weepy. I mean, I can't AFFORD to be weepy now. I have AP exams to take. I have plans to make. For the love of Mick, I HAVE A WRESTLING COLUMN TO WRITE!!!!

Speaking of which, that brings me to this week's Device. It's a look at how some wrestlers and commentators have played to us, the Internet wrestling community, and the success that they have had in doing so. With apologies to Don Adams and Barbara Feldon, I now present to you...

The late 90's have seen the wrestling industry change tremendously. For some of us, the politics and infighting that take place backstage at wrestling shows have become more interesting than the choreographed battles taking place in the ring. As the promoters have become more and more aware of this change in the business, we have seen an increasing number of wrestlers and commentators try to get themselves over by playing to the "smart" community. Sometimes it's worked and sometimes it hasn't. Within this column, we'll see who did the best job of getting our attention.

CASE 1: Brian Pillman and Kevin Sullivan
THE SITUATION: In 1996, Kevin Sullivan was booking WCW (which leads me to question why they let him do it again in 2000, especially when it cost them the Radicals, but that's a whole other story altogether). The decomposition of the Allegiance to End Hulkamania saw a feud evolve between the Horsemen and the Dungeon of Doom, which in turn saw an individual feud evolve between Pillman and Sullivan. In the interest of realism, things got uglier than usual, to the point where smart fans questioned the shoot/work status of the feud. Of course, it was a work, but Pillman and Sullivan were the only ones who knew this, once again in the interest of realism. Then, to add more fuel to the angle, Pillman asked for his release, the only problem being that the legal guys didn't stop to think about what business they were in, and they actually GAVE PILLMAN HIS RELEASE. Once he had his release, Pillman decided to head for greener pastures, but being a class act, he finished out his feud with Sullivan in a "respect match" at Superbrawl VI. The rules: both men tied together with a strap, the winner is the man who makes his opponent say "I respec you." After about a minute or so of wrestling, Pillman grabbed the mic, said, "I respect you, bookerman!" and then left, never to be seen again in WCW.
THE RESULTS: Beautiful. The entire world, from the "smarts" to the "marks" to the legal team to the wrestlers themselves were worked and worked good. While today, Kevin Sullivan is considered to be an idiot who doesn't know what the hell to do with the book (a reputation he deserves), his feud with Brian Pillman was absolutely brilliant. The Pillman-Sullivan feud has since gone on to become the stuff of legend on the Internet, and the inspiration for every "reality-based angle" since. That isn't necessarily a good thing, though, as that leads me to....

CASE 2: Diamond Dallas Page and Buff Bagwell
THE SITUATION: With WCW grabbing at straws in late 1999 and early 2000, the bigwigs at WCW decided that they were going to try to get back in the game by "working the smarts." Page and Bagwell had a lukewarm brawl backstage at Nitro, stemming from an alleged incident involving Bagwell and Kimberly. The aftermath saw an angle evolve from the incident, with Page and Bagwell locking horns on several occasions.
THE RESULT: Ugly. Butt ugly. The thought of David Arquette and Courtney Cox together ugly. Absolutely no one was fooled, and even Mark Madden, a notorious WCW shill, and a self-admitted one at that, declared in a column that Page and Bagwell's attempt to pay homage to Pillman was doing more harm than good, and was actually desecrating the memory of the brilliance that was Brian Pillman's last WCW feud. Besides, the fued never went anywhere.

CASE 3: TANK ABBOTT AND MARK MADDEN
THE SITUATION: Mark Madden is, for all intents and purposes, a fat pile of shit who hypes up WCW at every turn, and looks for every single possible opportunity to blast the WWF. As the Internet wrestling community is largely pro-WWF at this point, Madden's views make him quite unpopular. On the first Nitro, Tank Abbott, who had previously failed to get over at every turn (without it being his fault, I might add), appeared in the ring, challenged Goldberg, and promised to beat up an innocent victim at each WCW show until Goldberg answered the challenge. His first victim was the hated Mark Madden, prompting my friend Wallace (the Zenon to my Netcop), to declare Abbott the coolest wrestler ever.
THE RESULT: Up in the air. Tank is fast becoming one of my favorite wrestlers, and it will be interesting to see how his feud with Goldberg evolves, as well as his feud with the returning Marc Mero. Meanwhile, it was good to see Madden get his ass kicked, along with that other fat pile of goo Bob Ryder, if only as part of a storyline. But we'll see where it goes.

CASE 4: EDGE AND CHRISTIAN
THE SITUATION: During a singles match between Road Dogg Jesse James and Chris Benoit on this past week's RAW, Edge and Christian appeared at ringside to provide commentary. I have lifted their exact words from CRZ's Raw recap, which you can read here (like I need to give a link...anyone who's reading this probably already read the recap):

Christian: "...the reason why we're here is, you see, in about three or four minutes, if ah Road Dogg here in fact does have the upper hand, you know maybe he's gettin' jiggy and maybe throwin' some jabs or something like that, we're basically gonna interfere and cost him the match."
Edge: "You know what, in wrestling circles, that's called a 'run-in,' derived from the fact that as it looks like Road Dogg's about to win that match we're gonna cause him to lose."
Lawler: "A 'run-in?'"
Edge: "Yeah."
Lawler: "Hey, JR, they're gonna do a run-in!"
Ross: "That's what I've heard - I'm somewhat shocked at their bluntness"
Lawler: (to Edge & Christian) "Sometimes JR can be sorta markish."
Edge: "Well, I know he's a mark for Edge and Christian, and damn well he should be."

THE RESULTS: Brilliant, abso-f'in-lutely brilliant. The entire segment was gold. It effectively broke down the "fourth wall" between the wrestlers and the fans. It made all the smarts laugh out loud. It established Edge and Christian's ability to work on the mic, and it established their place as true " 'tweeners." This interview should lead to great things for two excellent young workers.

In conclusion, there is no conclusion. The WWF does a good job, and WCW has done a good job at times, but they also are very prone to screwing things up. But that should surprise absolutely no one, since that has been the story in professional wrestling for a long long time. Until next week, I'm Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, and this has been the Device. Keep reading, because READING IS FUNDAMENTAL!!!