You are here /wrestling
/guests
/Doomsday
Guest Columns

Dan Doomsday

Main

BLAH

THE DEVICE

Lines form on my face and hands.
Lines form from the ups and downs.
I'm in the middle without any plan.
I'm a boy and I'm a man
I'm eighteen.
    -Alice Cooper
That's right, this is the World's Most Dangerous Columnist, the Pride of 2Dope, Triple D, Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, bringing you 2000's first edition of the most electrifying column in sports entertainment today, The Device. Now, I didn't write last week, as I was happily celebrating my eighteenth birthday, but as I write this first Device of 2000, I'm a year older, a year wiser, and it's about time that Triple D wisened up about a couple of things. I've had people tell me to stop trying to "get myself over" as if I were an actual wrestler, which basically means to put a lid on my attacks on Sean Shannon. Now, I had stopped with the "scoreboard" after I came to [slash] wrestling, then started again after Shannon made some derogatory remarks about CRZ. Things seem to have gone back to normal 'round these parts, so it's time for me to ditch the scoreboard and lay off of Shannon generally. With that said, I have a kick-ass column for you this week, which I'll get to after the newly abbreviated (but still with cool HTML, right, Chris?) EXTRANEO US BULLSHIT.

DOOMSDAY ON FOOTBALL: So the Jets finish at 8-8. That's respectable, as far as I'm concerned. If the coaching situation gets sorted out, I wouldn't be surprised to see the Jets take it all the way next year. J E T S, JETS JETS JETS JETS!!!

DOOMSDAY ON BOOKS: Just finished Get a Life! by William Shatner and Chris Kreski, and I highly recommend it. For those of you who don't know, it's Shatner's take on the people at Star Trek conventions. Very funny, and as Spock would say, "fascinating."

There, didn't I tell you it was abbreviated? Now, onto this week's Device, entitled...

Rumble, Rumble, Toil and Trouble

Ever since I became interested in wrestling, I've had a soft spot in my heart for the Royal Rumble, which, in my opinion, is the greatest "gimmick" PPV ever invented. Unlike most other wrestling events, there's a very high level of unpredictability involved in the Rumble. One of the big problems with the Internet is that it takes the element of surprise out of wrestling. Even now, all signs seem to point to the Rock winning the Rumble, setting up a match with Triple H at Wrestlemania 16. However, no one knows what number Rocky will be, or anyone else, for that matter. We can't say who's going to get thrown out by who. We're left guessing until it happens, and it's fun to be left guessing every now and then.

As you can tell, I really love the Rumble, which makes me very glad that I'll be in attendance at this year's Rumble at Madison Square Garden. This will be my first Pay Per View event, and I am very psyched. Having read about an nWWWo member (Richardson, I think?) and his experience at World War 3, I'm looking forward to marking out like an eight-year old. However, for now, I'm going to let my smart mark side take over and try and figure out how the WWF can deliver the best possible Royal Rumble.

Besides being a highly entertaining match, the Royal Rumble gives the WWF the opportunity to accomplish several things: They can advance three or four angles, get a newcomer WAY over, set up at least one future PPV match, and give a developmental talent a tad of PPV experience. With that in mind, I decided to go and do something I rarely do: fantasy book. I took 30 guys who probably won't have other matches at the Rumble, and put them into an order to create my ideal Rumble. So, without any further adue, here it is, "recapped" in Netcop-esque style.

#1 is Jeff Hardy, because what would a WWF event be without showing off Terri's uh, "assets?" And since the WWF would also be lost without combining the Hardys and the Suicide Blonds, here's Christian at #2. A really nice sequence kicks off the Rumble, including a Hardy senton bomb, among other acrobatics. Hardy hits said Senton at the buzzer, as #3 Taka Michinoku comes out to join the highspot fun. Hardy leaves Christian to attack Taka, using a dropkick and a monkey flip in the corner to take control. Christian is up, and Taka gets whipped into the corner for some double-team goodness (tm Shannon). Hardy goes down to all fours to give Christian a boost, but Taka ducks the leg lariat, and Christian is done for the night. Hardy charges the corner and gets backdropped, but lands on the apron, yanks Taka down from behind, and gives him a slingshot springboard moonsault. Hardy continues to go to work on Taka, and Scotty 2 Hotty is out to join the fray at #4. A nice three-way sequence ensues, with alliances changing every other move. With these changing alliances, no one gets taken out, and Edge is out at #5 to keep the heat going. An clothesline from the Edge ends Taka's evening, and Edge replaces Taka in the three-way. Edge and Hardy start taking over on Scotty, but they miscue on a doubleteam as Scotty dodges a spear, sending Edge through the ropes. When Edge comes in, he goes after Hardy and goes to town on him. Just so Scotty won't feel ignored, here's Mosh at #6. Now we have two separate brawls going on, including advancement of the Too Cool/Headbangers angle. Nothing of note here, and Funaki joins the party at #7. Edge whips Hardy into the corner, and Funaki charges, allowing Hardy to send Funaki home with a backdrop. We now return you to our regularly scheduled brawls. The back-and-forth brawl between Mosh and Scotty is upset by the addition of Thrasher at #8. What was once one-on-one is now two-on-one, and Scotty fares accordingly. Meanwhile, Hardy's gained control of Edge, and he breaks out a guillotine legdrop and another Senton to excite the crowd. Fear not, young 2 Hotty, here comes the cavalry: Rakishi Phatu is in at #9. Goodbye, Thrasher. Later, Mosh. Edge and Hardy put their differences aside and go to it against Hotty and Rakishi. Hotty gets an advantage on Hardy, and here's the WORM!!! Uh oh, there goes the workrate: V iscera is in at #10. And of course, the two really fat guys get into it, leaving Edge, Jeff, and Hardy to continue their three-way from before. This is all interrupted by the WWF PPV debut of Tazz at #11. His first official act as full-blown ass-kicker is to dump the two fat guys. Scotty is next, followed by Hardy, then Edge takes a T-Bone Tazzplex and gets thrown out. Alone in the ring with a minute to go, Tazz grabs a mic and does his usual routine, complete with catchprase. Pete "Gas" is the next man out at #12, and he doesn't look like he'll survive. He doesn't, as Tazz throws the whole suplex book at him, then dumps him with 30 seconds to go. As Gas limps back to the locker room, Rodney comes out at #13, and Pete accompanies him to the ring to give it another go. They both get in the ring, and they both get kiled. Gas goes first, then Rodney, and Tazz is alone again. But Tazz isn't done with the Posse yet, as Joey Abs is out to complete the trifecta at #14. Think the Posse can take Tazz 3-on-1? Me neither. Clotheslines take out Gas and Rodney, then Abs is the first man to get the Tazzmission in a WWF ring. 30 seconds later, Abs is out, then he's REALLY out (as in over the top). The Rock is out at #14, and somehow I don't think this will be as easy. The Rock and Tazz trade punches back and forth in a really hot brawling sequence. A back-and-forth sequence breaks out, and the crowd eats it up. No one really gets an advantage, but Rocky's real-life friend, Grandmaster Sexay, is out to lend a hand at #15. 2-on-1 doesn't work very well, not even for Tazz, and Rocky introduces Tazz to the People's Elbow. I'll bet Tazz doesn't like the Rock now. But the Rock has other things to worry about, as Al Snow is in at #16. Snow and Rock pick up their old feud, leaving Sexay to take over on Tazz. Somehow, I doubt that will work out too well for the Grandmaster. Yep, I was right, Tazz makes a quick comeback and dumps Little Lawler. 2-on-1 ensues, and you can guess who the 1 is. We're about to run the full range of the Rhodes Commentary Cliches, as Kurt Angle is in at #17. Angle joins his fellow heels to stomp a mudhole in the Rock, then Rocky gets whipped in the corner, and now...wait for it...WE GOT CLUBBERIN'!! The fun lovin' Godfather is out at #18, and Angle goes to take care of him. Snow and Tazz continue to beat down on Rocky as Godfather whips Angle to the corner. Note to Godfather: the Rumble is the WRONG PLACE to do the Ho Train. Oh well, I'm sure he'll remember that now as Angle disposes of the GF with a backdrop. Matt Hardy is #19, and he goes to work on Snow. Angle rejoins Tazz in beating up the Rock, and Hardy and Snow have a little sequence. Hardc ore Holly joins in at #20, and he gets into it with Angle, leaving Taz 1-on-1 with the Rock. Matt hits a quicky second rope legdrop on Snow, Holly and Angle brawl, and Rocky gets hit in the Tazzmission. D-Lo Brown is in at #21, and he breaks up the Tazzmission and starts working on Tazz while Rocky catches his breath. Nothing else of note here. Kane is in at #22, and he starts in on the Rock for no good reason. Brawling all around, and here comes Crash Holly at #23 to do a little bit of brawling himself. Nothing else of note here, but the ring's filling up. We need someone to clean out the deadwood. Big Show at #24? That'll do. The Hollys try their luck, get tossed, and brawl back to the locker room. Matt Hardy gets tossed as well, although in less spectacular fashion. D-Lo becomes a casualty of TBS as well, and then Kane starts brawling with Show. Sensing opportunity, Tazz and Angle come over to give Kane a hand. X-Pac is in at #26, and he gives the final push to send the Show packing. 'Pac then catches Kane off guard with a roundhouse to send him over the top. This leaves the Rock alone in the ring with 4 heels, and I wonder how much he likes that. Well, unless he likes getting stomped on, I doubt he likes it too much. The mudhole stomping is interrupted by Test's entrance at #27, as he grabs X-Pac and gives him what for. That still leaves three-on-one...or does it? The psychologically sound (ha!) Al Snow has decided to attack Tazz, leaving Angle to beat down on the Rock. And here comes help for Angle, as Steve Blackman throws his name in the hat at #28. Angle holds the Rock for a double team, but Rock ducks Blackman's Yakuza kick and it's goodnight, Mr. Olympian. Angle argues with Blackman, allowing the Rock to take advantage and dump Blackman. Rock, Snow, and Tazz get into a three-way as Big Bossman enters at #29. Rock pairs off with Snow, leaving Bossman and Tazz to do a good stiff brawling sequence. You see, no matter how hard you try, any battle royal will have a lot of brawling. But this one hasn't come off too bad, if I do say so myself. Just to add a little more comedy, Blue Meanie is the last entry at #30. Possible winners: Rock, Tazz, Snow, Bossman, X-Pac, Test, Meanie. Whoops, there goes Meanie in about 15 seconds, courtesy of Bossman and Tazz. Snow gets Rock Bottom, and the Rock turns his attention to Tazz and Bossman, giving them the ol' double-dump to end Tazz's night at a very impressive 44 minutes. Final Four: Rock, Test, X-Pac, Snow. Test hits the Meltdown, then goes up to the rop for the big elbow. 'Pac kicks the rope, then dropkicks Test out. Rock turns to X-Pac, but Snow recovers to make it 2-on-1. Rocky takes a bit more clubberin', then starts to "Rock Up." Right hands for everyone, and a clothesline to send Al packing. Spinning heel kick from X-Pac puts the DXer in control, and 'Pac runs his usual kick-based offense. Bronco Buster misses, and this should be the end for Mr. Waltman. Samoan Drop from Rocky, immediately followed by the 2nd People's Elbow of the night. The tossing of X-Pac is a mere formality, but one the Rock is more than happy to indulge in as he wins his first Royal Rumble.

What do you think? I'm sure the real Rumble won't be this good, but I'm looking forward to it nonetheless. Thanks for dropping by. Until next week, I'm Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, the World's Most Dangerous Columnist, reminding you to keep reading, because READING IS FUNDAMENTAL! Goodnight, everybody.

Dartmouth Dan Doomsday
2dope

Mail the Author
Visit 2dope

BLAH

Main

Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission