I GET LETTERS, TOO: Mr. Columnist,
I'm something of a wrestling columnist myself, and as a result, I skim over most everyone's work, just to get a feel for what people are thinking.

I have to say, honestly, that giving yourself a gimmick is somewhat childish. All the best and most respected writers out there - Micasa, Scaia, Isaacs, all of them save maybe Hyatte - just shut up and write. They don't babble endlessly about themselves, and those who do, for example Netcop, do so in the context of really long columns, with small portions of self-hype.

You, for some reason, spend half your column hyping yourself up as if you were an actual performer - you're not.

But you do have some solid talent, and I think it's a shame that you may not go as far because being a child was a top priority.

If you want to take this seriously, and be someone important, and maybe make money at it, then trust me, just write your column about wrestling, not about you.

That's all.

Chuck Pechiney

Thanks for the insight, Chuck. I guess I kind of need to explain the entire Dan Doomsday thing real quick. Actually, it has a lot to do with that really bad gimmick for which I'm partially responsible.

In 1997 and 1998, I hosted a wrestling radio show on my high school radio station. I also hosted a show on local politics and government, which, as luck would have it, aired right after the wrestling show. Now, given the supposed intellect of the average wrestling fan, you can imagine how the higher-ups at the station didn't want listeners to know that their newscaster was also a wrestling fan. So, they asked me to take a character. My middle name is Daniel, so my co-host and I created the Dan Doomsday character.

Oh, by the way, the name of this show was "Three Count," and Vic Venom (Russo's old character, in case you didn't know) was one of my guests. So Evan, if you're pissed at me, trust me buddy, I had no idea, and I hope you understand.

Anyway, I moved last year, and I had to leave the show behind. When I became a columnist, I had it in mind to call in and do a 5 minute segment on my old show, so I wanted to keep the Doomsday character. And besides, having used the name Dan Doomsday when I interviewed guys like Russo, Kevin Kelly, Mike Hayes, and Marc Mero, I wanted to stay connected to that.

So, Chuck, this is how I'm going to do things. I don't expect to make a career out of this...there are much better things that I can do with the education I'm going to receive at Dartmouth. This is a hobby for me, and I enjoy it. I'd have to say that I write for my own enjoyment as much as anyone else. If the 500 or so people who read this thing every week like it too, then so much the better. But I'm having fun, and that's what matters to me. So, as my [slash] wrestling buddy Michaelangelo might say, "I'm Dan Doomsday, and probably will be for a while."

Oh, and if you care, my real name is...

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT MY REAL NAME IS!!!!!

And by the way...

DOOMSDAY 6, SHANNON 0

DOOMSDAY ON BASKETBALL: Anybody happen to notice who the best team in basketball is? I'll give you a clue: It ain't the Kings!!!! Thank you very much. GO LAKERS!

DOOMSDAY ON MUSIC: I highly recommend the new Savage Garden album, Affirmation. In addition to "I Knew I Loved You," the album also has great songs in its title track and also "The Animal Song." If you liked their first one, then you should definitely get this.

DOOMSDAY ON FOOTBALL: As I'm writing this, the Jets are getting set to put a hurting on Miami...talk to me about that tomorrow morning. until then...J E T S, JETS JETS JETS JETS (that's for you, Buph!)!!

Ok, enough of that, on to the Device. I had a brilliant new column on why WCW is doomed to suck, but in light of last week's supposedly halfway-decent THUNDER, I'll have to reserve judgement until the new year. Besides, given that this is 1999's last edition of the Device, so now, Triple D proudly brings to you...

That's right, this is my own unique look at the best and worst of the year that was in professional wrestling. Last years awards were fun, and this year's look to be great, too. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll find out just how much Shannon-bashing I can get away with on Sean's own site (that is, if you're reading this on Rantsylvania). But we'll talk about that later. Meanwhile, I'm pleased to announce that Todd Pettingill has gotten laryngitis, and will not be singing the Doomy Song. Instead, we'll jump right to our first award, which is...

The Golden Fire Hydrant Helmet Award for Service Above and Beyond the Call of Duty: Vince and Shane McMahon (TRIVIA: What cartoon did I just reference?)

Some might criticize Vince for his decision to put himself into the spotlight too much, especially people whose initials are MM. However, Vince has done a great job in and out of the ring throughout 1999, and his involvement has been respectable, to say the least. OK, so his winning the Rumble bordered on ridiculous, but after that, I must say that Vince was spectacular. Don't believe me? Let's compare him to Eric Bischoff. Eric Bischoff booked himself over one of the greatest legends in the history of professional wrestling, and in a really bad match to boot. Vince let Stone Cold beat him at St. Valentine's Day Massacre, and took that hellacious bump through the table. He did book himself over Triple H this fall, making himself World Champ in the process, but even then, he sold Triple H's lame-ass offense with more vigor than Chavo selling those Amway products (call 555-DEAL right this minute!). He was a bloody mess by the end of the match, and only got the win thanks to a rescue by Steve Austin. And besides, it was WHAT THE FANS WANTED! They wanted HHH to lose. That's the difference between Vince and Bitchoff. But enough about Eric. Vince's match with Triple H at Armageddon was another superb effort, with Vince showing more gusto and intensity in his ring work in his 50's than Hulk Hogan showed in his 30's.

As for Skippy, one would think that when you grow up with the P.T. Barnum of sports entertainment as a father, you might become spoiled, you might not want to work. Well, that certainly did NOT apply to Shane McMahon in 1999. From his "match" against Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco early in the year, I saw that Shane had some talent. Shane would go on to use that talent in a solid match with X-Pac at Wrestlemania XV, then again in an eye-opening match with Test at Summerslam. Then, Shane made me mark out like a five-year old when he hit that plancha off the steel cage on RAW this fall. It's obvious that Vince and Shane don't have to do this stuff, but they do it anyway, and for that, they receive this coveted award. Next...

The Puff Daddy Originality Award: Sean Shannon.

Okay, everyone pay real close attention: I'm about to make some serious criticism of everyone's favorite Wiccan (not that there's anything wrong with that Sean, it's just that that makes you unique). For a guy who claims to hate CRZ, Shannon certainly seems to have learned a lot from him in terms of how to recap a show. Don't tell me that Shannon decided to have cute little nicknames for the wrestlers all by himself, now. Or a long opener having little or nothing to do with wrestling? Oh, and Shannon also didn't mind borrowing Netcop's "Bottom Line" and star ratings. Even Hyatte has found his way into Sean's recap style, with those little parentheses at the beginning of every show recap. Sean gets kudos for his little Plays of the Week intro, but that's about it. Sorry, Sean. Just to prove that I'm being fair...

The George Herbert Walker Bush "Read My Lips" Award: Chris Hyatte

Gee, don't I remember something about Hyatte promising to write the Mop-Ups EVERY WEEK until the end of the year if he won the ScoopTHIS award? Yeah, he did promise that, didn't he. So what happened? Well, first there was some ice cream and some of the sinful herb. Then there was his excessive attack on Brian Sullivan's wife, which was highly uncalled for. Hyatte might as well be a politician. Speaking of politicians...

The Monica Lewinsky Award for Sucking: Kevin Nash

Kevin Nash failed at just about everything he tried in 1999. He tried to book, and failed miserably, with WCW continuing to sink in the ratings. He tried to recapture the cool of the nWo in the early months of the year. He failed again, with the new nWo a flop in every sense of the word. He tried to become the top babyface this spring, with a run as world champion. He failed miserably, with only a few flashes of what could be amidst the moronic Hummer angle. He then tried to build a solid feud with Hulk Hogan, and failed at that. In the ring, 1999 was a horrible year for "Big Sexy." In the middle of Nash's in-ring failures, however, he showed a great deal of potential outside the ring. He became a convincing representative of pro graps with his well-reasoned writing "On the State of Pro Wrestling." In one color commentary appearance on Thunder, he showed more announcing talent than the rest of WCW's commentary staff combined. He cracked me up as a manager, with his weekly impersonations this fall becoming a highlight on otherwise unimpressive Nitros. If 1999 showed us anything, it showed us that once the nWo2K is finished, it's time for Nash to hang up the tights and go on to a career outside the ring.

The Black Sabbath "Iron Man" Award: Mick Foley

OK, so he's going to retire soon. Very few people deserve a nice peaceful retirement more than Mick Foley. The first half of 1999 saw him trade the WWF title with the Rock and take some incredible bumps, injuring himself in the process. Then, he came back sooner than expected from surgery to acommodate Austin's refusal to job to Triple H at Summerslam. Then, as a member of the Rock n' Sock connection, he provided some great comedy, kept up his work in the ring, and took that nasty-ass bump into the grave on the Tag Team Buried Alive match on Smackdown! this past fall. All that and a best-selling book too. HOW DOES HE DO IT?

The Dee Snider "Sick Mutha Fucker" Award: Ballz Mahoney

This is not to say that Mick doesn't take a hell of a bump. It's just that while he was enjoying the fruits of his labor in the WWF this year, Ballz Mahoney was clawing his way up in ECW, taking some of the kind of bumps that Mick doesn't have to take anymore. The one that stands out in my mind is Mahoney's through-the-burning-table-with-thumbtacks bump at the hands of the D-D-D-Dudley Boyz this fall. Way to bust your ass, Balls. Literally!

The Oscar Madison and Felix Unger "Odd Couple" Award: Mankind and the Rock

When the June WWF Magazine wrote an article about a possible union of the Rock and Mankind, it seemed like a pleasant "What If?" When the two joined forces after Summerslam, it turned into one of the best booking decisions of 1999. Great interviews, great ring work, great reactions. Good stuff all around.

The Sharon, Lois, and Bram "Sing Along" Award: The Rock

Dr. Pavlov, call your office. It never ceases to amaze me how over the Rock has gotten since he started. When you think of how much he WASN'T over in his run as a clean-cut babyface, you wonder how it is that Rocky went from that embarassment to being the most electifying man in sports entertainment today. The answer is mic work. Mic work, mic work, mic work. The Rock seems to develop hit catch phrases almost by accident, not unlike a certain beer-swilling, pseudo-Bible-quoting superstar. And even when the act doesn't change, the fans still love it. Kind of like how little kids will sing along with those tapes over and over and over (and OVER) again.

The Dan Doomsday Columnist of the Year Award: Scott Keith

No, I'm not just kissing up. Besides, why WOULD I kiss up to Scott Keith? It's just that he's extraordinarily consistent in his updates (take notes, Hyatte), he goes above and beyond in his Retro Rants, and he's pretty funny, too. I may not always agree with him, but for PPV recaps, Thunder recaps, and general wrestling history, MAKE MINE...well, you get the idea.

The Randy Rhoads "Taken Too Young" Award: Owen Hart

There really isn't much I can say about this that hasn't been said already. In addition to being a great wrestler in every sense of the word, Owen was a family man, and, from all reports, a good guy. I know I can't miss him half as much as the people who knew him, but I'm still thinking about him.

And now, to finish the show...

The Chris Candido "No Gimmicks Needed" Awards That Don't Have Fancy Names

Match of the Year: Hardys vs. Suicide Blonds, No Mercy

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a mark for highspots, so this match was my dream. Not that any of the encounters since have been subpar, but considering how over these guys are without great mic work, it all points back to this match,

Most Improved Wrestler: Test

It's hard to decide whether he was Most Improved or Rookie of the Year, since his entrance was so late in 1998, but Test just blew me away this year. His solid array of power moves, rare ability to fly, and solid mic skills show that Test is a star for the future in the WWF.

Wrestler of the Year: The Rock/Chris Benoit (tie)

I don't think I need to explain either of these two choices. The Rock has been a driving force behind the WWF's soaring through the sky, while Benoit has been one of the lone bright spots down south, managing to squeeze multiple title runs out of a sorry-ass year for WCW. The Rock used a solid array of moves and great mic skills to get himself way over, while the "Silent but Violent" Benoit used his unspoken charisma and tireless work ethic to draw great pops as a face and good heat as a heel.

So that's it, folks, another year in the books. Until the year 2000, this is the Pride of 2Dope, Triple D, Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, saying...

DOOMSDAY 6, SHANNON 0