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THE DEVICE

Hey, is this on? Hey, play me some of that Triple D shhhhh......
    DOOMSDAY 6, SHANNON 0
That's right, this is Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, the World's Most Dangerous Columnist, coming back at you to hit you with another edition of the most electrifying column in sports entertainment today, the Device. I got a lot of stuff for you this week, and I think this one's going to be a very interesting one for you, Joe or Jill Q. Wrestling Fan, so chill a sec while I go through my (ready, CRZ?) EXTRANEOUS BULLSHIT.

DOOMSDAY ON MOVIES: I think I'm in with everyone else who is really psyched to see the new Andy Kaufman biopic, Man on the Moon. Aside from Jerry Lawler being in the movie, R.E.M. has a killer soundtrack (or so I hear), and I'm really interested in watching Jim Carrey mature as a serious actor. I really feel he didn't get half the respect he should have for Truman Show, and I think Man on the Moon could be what Jim needs to show the film critics that he's the real deal. I hope I'm right, but I usually am (ha!).

DOOMSDAY ON MUSIC: Really digging the new Counting Crows CD, This Desert Life. "hanginaround" is a great upbeat song, which you usually can't say about a Crows song, and the rest of the album is solid as well...it's music to read by, speaking of which...

DOOMSDAY ON BOOKS: You had to figure it was only a matter of time before I got my hands on a copy of Have a Nice Day, and I'm about 3/5 of the way through it as we speak. GREAT BOOK! It deserves that #1 spot on the Times bestseller list, because Mick is a class act who, believe it or not, can write a damn good book. I'll probably write an entire column about it when I finish, but for now, go out and grab a copy yourself.

DOOMSDAY ON BASKETBALL: Really pissed that Sir Charles Barkley had to retire without that elusive NBA ring. Ah well...Charles, he was the man. He spoke his mind whenever and wherever. Everything that Charles has ever done has been a shoot. Fare thee well, Sir Charles, you rock. Oh, and the Portland Trail Blazers can bite my ass.

DOOMSDAY ON FOOTBALL: HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, MIAMI? HOW ABOUT THAT, JIMMY JOHNSON!! NFL Teams, meet your new spoilers, the New York Jets. Just because they won't be in the playoffs doesn't mean they can't kick YOUR ASS!! J E T S, JETS JETS JETS JETS!!!

With that said, it's time to get on to the Device...you know, since I've been a wrestling fan, I've had the pleasure (usually) of meeting some of my favorite wrestlers. And now, I'll share that pleasure with you as the Pride of 2Dope, Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, brings you this very special Device, entitled...

Scenes From the Life of a Wrestling Fan

LEX LUGER: I will probably always be a Lex Luger mark. He has a great look, a killer powerslam, and he knows exactly how to handle the fans. I met Lex at the 1994 Fanfest before Wrestlemania 10 at MSG. This was the height of my markdom, and I was wearing a sweater with an American flag pattern. I got it at Structure after Lex made his "Made in the USA" face turn (Yes, and I also cried when the Rockers broke up, so what?). Lex was sitting in the "Locker Room" area, where the WWF had its top stars for the specific purpose of autograph signings. Lex had a stack of special Fanfest programs to sign, but I had brought a 1991 WCW wrestling card of him racking Arn Anderson. After Lex signed the program, I asked him to sign my card, and he was more than happy to sign. Furthermore, as he was signing, he said, "I like your shirt." The fact that Lex was taking an interest in what he was doing, and not just passing along signed programs struck me as being really cool, and I still think it was cool. Have I mentioned that Lex rules?

JEFF JARRETT: Double J's Fanfest performance was the antithesis of Luger's. He too was in the "locker room" area, although it was supposed to be Randy Savage. I suppose Savage had what we might today call a Shawn Michaels moment, but I'll discuss HBK later. My dad was with me at FanFest, and as we stood in line, he said, "that doesn't look like Savage." Savage, as it happens, was my dad's second favorite wrestler after Bret Hart. I told him it was Double J Jeff Jarrett, and my dad said, "Who's That?" I said that Jarrett was nothing special, and that was BEFORE I MET HIM. Jarrett had his head down as I approached his table, and he handed me one of his signed programs (like the ones Lex had). I had an autogrpah book with me, which I asked Jarrett to sign for me, and he refused, saying he had already signed something. I wonder if Jarrett would have done that if he wasn't subbing for Savage, but still, it wasn't nice, and that's not how you build fan loyalty. Ever since '94, I've hated Jarrett, although I must admit that "Slapnuts" is one of the coolest words ever invented in WCW.

SHAWN MICHAELS: I said that FanFest '94 was the height of my markdom, which is interesting, because at the same time, I was also a quasi-smart. I knew that Diesel had been Vinnie Vegas in WCW, and remembered him being part of a match at Superbrawl II that I really like for some unkown reason (Vinnie Vegas and Richard Morton vs. Van Hammer and Z-Man - I was a huge Zenk mark back in the day). Also, I remembered the Vegas Connection from WCW, although I'm sure Nash would like to forget it. As I approached HBK at his table, I said "You know, Big Daddy Cool used to be in some tag matches, you two should team up and go after the tag belts." Now, HBK knew this, and I probably had some nerve coming up to him and telling him something so obvious about his good friend. He could have laughed in my face, but he didn't. He said, "That's a good idea, kid, thanks." Now, if all the HBK stories I keep hearing were true, HBK would have laughed in my face and told me to fuck off. But HBK was very cool about it, and three months later, the WWF's incarnation of "Dudes With Attitudes" dethroned the Headshrinkers to take the WWF tag titles.

BRET HART: Let me preface this by saying that Bret Hart has been one of my favorite wrestlers since day one. When I heard that Bret was going to make an appearance at the Broadway Mall on Long Island, I quickly made arrangements to go meet him. This was about a year ago, and it was sponsored by the fine (ha!) folks at Scoops. As I approached Bret, I told him what a huge fan I was, and how I got his Calgary Sun column by e-mail (of course, y'all can just link to it from [slash] wrestling - I got your back, CRZ). This was the week that Mark Henry and PMS had the whipped cream/C-clamp/bullwhip incident, and it disgusted me, and I told Bret that that incident had convinced me that he was right about everything he was writing in the Sun. He said that he appreciated that, but he seemed a little cool to me. Afterwards, I scoured the mall for something with Bret's picture on it, and came back with one of the PWI mags, which had a Wrestling With Shadows ad on the front cover. Vince's face was in blue on the ad, and Bret's was in pink, and as he signed the picture (over McMahon's face), he said, "That's about what he looked like after Survivor Series." That kind of schoked me, and clued me in to the fact that Bret might be obsessing a little too much over the Montreal incident. I'll always be a Bret mark, and it's pretty hard for him to do wrong in my eyes, but that time at the mall brought him down a peg where I'm concerned.

AL ISSACS: I know he's not a wrestler, but hey, in our "smart world," Al's an important guy, and I was psyched to meet him when I went to the Bret Hart signing. I introduced myself (although, I forgot to bring a column), and I said that I was representing the Showstopper (2dope RULES!) in helping out (I helped AL, Remy, Jay Kirell, and Freakboy carry some videos to Al's car after the signing). He was very cool, and he talked with me for a while about a lot of stuff, especially how much Tony Schiavone sucks. He was also really nice to the younger kids who were around, talking with them about the business and everything. I found Al to be a really nice guy. Of course, Al hasn't returned an e-mail since I met him, let alone respond to my attempts to get on SCOOPS. Oh, well.

MICK FOLEY: Out of all the wrestlers I've met, Mick has got to be the coolest by far. I was at MSG on a local youth group trip: we went to watch the Kodak ECAC Basketball Tournament, then got to stay as they switched the Garden over to a wrestling setup. We were sitting in the 200 sextion while the building director was talking to us about his job. We saw some of the wrestlers milling around in the arena, and we wanted to go meet them. The building director went to see what he could do. Then I saw Mick, in full Mankind gear, walk into the arena. I couldn't stay up in the 200's. I screamed out, "MICK!" and came running down to see him (OK, I completely and totally marked out. You have a problem with that? Bite me). I told him that I had written one of those letters that Jay Kirell had delivered, and he was really excited about those letters. We talked for a bit, and then Mick got into the autographs and pictures. By now, there was a crowd around him, and Al Snow came out. He tried to get Mick to go to dinner with him, but Mick wouldn't leave until the dozens...and dozens of Mankind's fans had gotten the pictures and autographs they craved. The guy put off his dinner, which is probably "very near and dear to him," as Mama Doomsday might say, to make sure the fans didn't leave disappointed.

Speaking of which, I hope you weren't disappointed by this edition of the Device. If you were, send an e-mail to dandoomsday@wrestlingfanz.com, and I'll be sure to respond to your grievances. Until next week, this is Triple D, Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, saying...

    DOOMSDAY 6, SHANNON 0
Dartmouth Dan Doomsday
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