I'm writing to you from partway through the year 2001. At the end of 2000, the fall of wrestling predicted by the prophet Michael Jenkinson actually took place, as all the major wrestling federations in the world went out of business as all their fans turned elsewhere for their entertainment. Perhaps it was because January 1, 2001 was actually the beginning of the new millennium, as opposed to January 1, 2000, as all the ninnies claimed. Who knows? I am providing you with a brief look at what happened to many famous wrestling personalities when their livelihood disappeared and they drifted their separate ways. Some tales are tragic, some triumphant, but they all answer the question "Where are they now?"

Personality: Steve Austin
Last Days in Wrestling: KICK WHAM STUNNER DTA OH HELL YEAH
Where Is He Now? Hosting Stone Cold's Variety Hour on CBS. If an act is good, Austin drinks a beer with them; if the act is bad, he Stunners them.
Quote: "My guests today are Bill Maher, Rosie O'Donnell, and Limp Bizkit, and I'm lookin' forward to doin' some Stunnerin'."

Personality: Chris Benoit
Last Days in Wrestling: Holding the world title and still hearing people complain that he was being misused.
Where Is He Now? Living with Woman and the Children, constantly changing his phone number to avoid pestering by a legion of desperate Canadians looking for a savior.
Quote: "What do you mean 'Does my son wrestle yet'?"

Personality: Eric Bischoff
Last Days in Wrestling: Planning to buy the XPW and stage an angle where they invaded Hollywood (I think he meant the town).
Where Is He Now? Running Uncle Eric's Hollywood Insider Landscaping Service in Boca Raton, Florida.
Quote: "I think I'm going to reform the nWo. Say, you don't happen to own some sort of production company, do you? No? Okay, how do you want the hedges trimmed?"

Personality: Chyna
Last Days in Wrestling: Getting horns implanted on her forehead and claiming they were a naturally developed feminine beauty ideal.
Where Is She Now? Back in the circus as Bobo the Grotesque Shemale.
Quote: "But I worked hard to look like this! I'm so much prettier than the other manufactured freaks!"

Personalities: Edge and Christian
Last Days in Wrestling: Feuding with each other because, well, that's the natural life cycle of a successful tag team.
Where Are They Now? Touring the country as a successful insult comedy team.
Quote: "All you retail workers out there reek of both heinousity and anusity!"

Personality: Ric Flair
Last Days in Wrestling: Desperately trying (and failing) to help his son develop a personality.
Where Is He Now? Letting Miss Hancock take a ride on Space Mountain.
Quote: "I WHOO want to WHOO BY GOD have some WHOO WHOO WHOO I forget!"

Personality: Mick Foley
Last Days in Wrestling: Betrayed everyone by coming back for one last **** match.
Where Is He Now? CEO of Mankind's Traveling Hair Salon.
Quote: "The weather sure is nice here in Nashville, Tennessee! [thumbs up] Say, I'm going to cut your hair with a weedwhacker and a meat cleaver, okay? Have a nice day."

Personality: Bill Goldberg
Last Days in Wrestling: Making tons of lame talk show appearances in an attempt to emulate his mentor, DDP.
Where Is He Now? Living in Tulsa with his parents and his beloved cat Mr. Meowster.
Quote: "Is you the prettiest kitty in the whole wide world? Yes!"

Personality: Eddy Guerrero
Last Days in Wrestling: Actually calling himself Speedy Gonzalez.
Where Is He Now? Works as a pool boy/gofer for Carnival Cruise lines.
Quote: "Essa and Chavito, you must cheat to win at shuffleboard."

Personality: Jeff Hardy
Last Days in Wrestling: Writhing in agony following the debut of his new move, the Super Acid Drop, from the top of a cage through a table.
Where Is He Now? His brother Matt pushes him around in a wheelbarrow.
Quote: "Just tip me over when we're going downhill."

Personality: Owen Hart
Last Days in Wrestling: Dead.
Where Is He Now? Still Dead.
Quote: ". . ."

Personality: Paul Heyman
Last Days in Wrestling: Main-eventing pay-per-views with Dawn Marie vs. Francine to see if he could get people to care even less.
Where Is He Now? Actually moved upstairs in his mother's house, since he murdered her and buried her in the basement.
Quote: "Scherer, my pet, I need you to confess that you killed Mumsie."

Personality: HHH
Last Days in Wrestling: Still feuding with Kurt Angle and listening to people complain about how the feud was lasting too long while they simultaneously complained that modern feuds weren't build up as well as those in the old days.
Where Is He Now? In a startling case of life imitating art, he kidnapped Stephanie McMahon and forcibly married her in Vegas, only to reveal later that Stephanie was in on it all along because her father had let Mark Callaway kidnap her a few months before.
Quote: "I-uh don't-uh miss-uh wrestling-uh too-uh much-uh."

Personality: Hulk Hogan
Last Days in Wrestling: Suing anyone who wouldn't agree that he, Hulk Hogan, invented wrestling.
Where Is He Now? Starring with Roddy Piper in They Live 2: Crippled Geriatrics Fight the Terrible Alien Scourge.
Quote: "You know Wood and Hot Rod are ready to rumble in our wheelchairs, braddah!"

Personality: Michael Jenkinson
Last Days in Wrestling: Posting on his forum about how good he felt that he was being vindicated.
Where Is He Now? Editing his newspaper and producing more children to fall on and keep away from the nTo.
Quote: "I like toast."

Personality: Chris Jericho
Last Days in Wrestling: Not turning heel despite what all the Internet smarks wanted
Where Is He Now? On a highly unsuccessful tour with Fozzy Osbourne.
Quote: "It's a fan conspiracy against me! I also blame Kirk Angel, Raisin, Deano Machino, and the rest."

Personality: Kane
Last Days in Wrestling: Finally had his mask removed to reveal . . . Groucho Marx glasses. Tried speaking in a falsetto, but that went over like Tiger Ali Singh, so he put the mask back on and went back to his throatamatron.
Where Is He Now? Sadly, there weren't many mainstream jobs available for gigantic masked freaks, so he got a job working the register at his local McDonald's.
Quote: "I - AM - A - MONSTER! WOULD - YOU - LIKE - TO - SUPERSIZE - THAT? PLEASE - DON'T - ASK - ME - TO - GO - NEAR - THE - DEEP - FRYER."

Personality: Scott Keith
Last Days in Wrestling: Pointing out that the television ratings don't count the exact number of viewers, so clearly Nielsen is lying.
Where Is He Now? Having lost his precious book deal, Mr. Keith (or as the publishers called him, Mr. Kieth) is now the owner/operator of a DVD Hut at his local mall.
Quote: "The buyrates will rise again. The Canadians aren't being held down anymore!"

Personality: Jerry Lawler
Last Days in Wrestling:
Where Is He Now? Since he's no longer famous, The Kat left him, and he's reduced to sitting in a strip club yearning for the past and wishing the dancers were younger.
Quote: "Bra and panties?"

Personality: Jushin Liger
Last Days in Wrestling: Well, actually, wrestling didn't crash in Japan. Sorry to disappoint you.
Where Is He Now? Adopting a new finisher, the Hopping Finger Poke.
Quote: "(I still can't believe Vince Russo jobbed me to a tequila bottle!)"

Personality: Lita
Last Days in Wrestling: Let her pants drop ever lower but never actually took them off.
Where Is She Now? Went back to stripping and was shocked to find she was less popular when she took her clothes all the way off.
Quote: "The red hair couldn't have hurt either."

Personality: Dean Malenko
Last Days in Wrestling: Walking around on his knees billed as "General Tom Thumb."
Where Is He Now? Happily retired and managing his dog restaurant.
Quote: "Dogs are tasty!"

Personality: Vince McMahon
Last Days in Wrestling: Giving up his "genetic jackhammer" quest in disgust when he looked closely at Linda.
Where Is He Now? Making a living off the XFL. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Quote: "We need gimmicks for the players! The quarterback who's a plumber! The wide receiver who's a Klingon! And the defensive tackle who's gonna pyoooook all over!"

Personality: New Jack
Last Days in Wrestling: Mindless brawling and bleeding.
Where Is He Now? Bereft of his wrestling livelihood, New Jack attempted to return to his criminal roots, but he found that diving out of third story windows and attempting to land on people was not an effective mugging technique.
Quote: "What do you mean that trash can lid shot didn't kill you?"

Personality: Raven
Last Days in Wrestling: On the sidelines waiting for his big debut in the WWF as the force behind Kane's turn, the leader of Right to Censor, or the reason Tazz was being held down. [Note: I'm keeping this now out-of-date joke because I was sadly close.]
Where Is He Now? Working at the Internal Revenue Service, where he fits right in.
Quote: "I am a cinder in the furnace of the damned, and you have to fill out this form in triplicate. What about me? What about Scott Levy, Auditor?"

Personality: The Rock
Last Days in Wrestling: Segued into movies and television as his badly roleplayed wrestling character waned.
Where Is He Now? Directing They Live 2 with Roddy Piper and Hulk Hogan.
Quote: "The Rock says in this scene you jam the sumbitch sideways up your candy ass, you bags of monkey piss!"

Personality: Vince Russo
Last Days in Wrestling: Absolutely convinced that the angle of the KISS Demon and Vampiro and Sting falling 50 feet into a vat of holy water with four or five porn stars was going to rescue the ratings.
Where Is He Now? Managing a video store where he deliberately changes the ends of movies because "they're not what the customers want."
Quote: "The problem with the world is that everyone else in it is stupid and has bad taste."

Personality: Sean Shannon
Last Days in Wrestling: Switching the Rantsylvania server for the eighteenth time.
Where Is He Now? Moved on to recapping late night farm reports, which he's glad to tell us he hates even more than ECW.
Quote: "The next report is on pork bellies. Mmm, I just can't help thinking of pork bellies and The Kat dressed in leather bondage fetish gear. Excuse me a minute."

Personality: Tony Schiavone
Last Days in Wrestling: Kept telling us that this was the best time ever to be a fan of our great sport, and at the very end informing the audience that they were desperately out of time.
Where Is He Now? Homeless and roaming the streets, spewing delusional nonsense, much of it seemingly put in his mouth by someone else.
Quote: "I am literally wetting my pants! And why hasn't anyone ever learned to spell my name right?"

Personality: Sid
Last Days in Wrestling: Playing softball and pretending any major wrestling federation was interested in having him back.
Where Is He Now? He lost everything gambling on Zippy Chippy and that massive winning streak and became one of those guys who runs out to your car and offers to clean the windshield, though he tends to get too aggressive with the squeegee.
Quote: "Okay, how about I use THESE SCISSORS? Ha ha ha!"

Personality: Sting
Last Days in Wrestling: Falling fifty feet into a vat of holy water while dressed as the old surfer dude Sting.
Where Is He Now? Hooked up with Debra Marshall-McMichael-Adams-Austin as "The Two Largest Foreheads in the World."
Quote: "I think my forehead is some sort of alien egg."

Personality: Tazz
Last Days in Wrestling: Spent his time in the WWF jobbing to Michael Cole, Lilian Garcia, and the glint in Vince McMahon's eye. Went back to ECW and won their World Title, whereupon he told an interviewer "Now I feel even worse."
Where Is He Now? Having shown an aptitude for broadcasting with his guest announcing stints in the WWF, Tazz managed to obtain a job as an intern on Monday Night Football. Unfortunately, he hasn't been able to rise above the level of lackey.
Quote: "Millah, you're a piece of gahbage! You'll be just anothah - HEY! STOP! OW! I GIVE! I GIVE! UNCLE!"

Personality: Warrior
Last Days in Wrestling: Squatted for days naked in a cave in Arizona.
Where Is He Now? Since the whole world got turned on its head, he put on a suit and became a successful accountant.
Quote: "Snakes will FALL from the sky and ARGH hybonatoric RATS will SWARM!" (Some things just don't change.)

Personality: Torrie Wilson
Last Days in Wrestling: Since she progressed down the WCW push ladder from Kevin Nash to Billy Kidman to Shane Douglas, she ended up as the valet for Jim Duggan.
Where Is She Now? Successfully recovering from the suicide attempt she was driven to by proximity to Duggan's hairy, sweaty, flabby self.
Quote: "Hacksaw was still way less creepy than Mike Samuda."

Personality: Yokozuna
Last Days in Wrestling: Planning to reform the Hart foundation with Lex Luger and the Dynamite Kid.
Where Is He Now? Without wrestling to keep him in any semblance of shape, he gained 500 extra pounds and actually became a planetary mass orbited by Rey Misterio Jr. and Taka Michinoku.
Quote: "Burp."

Personality: Christopher Robin Zimmerman
Last Days in Wrestling: Recapped one major show per day of the week.
Where Is He Now? Frolicking in the Hundred Acre Wood with his friends Pooh and Eeyore.
Quote: "I should be back online and hosting your site in a week or so."

Until whenever I bother again, I'm Crud, and you're an annoying fuckpuppet.