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Richard Craig

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BLAH

THE MONTH IN QUOTES: MARCH 2000

Well, another month has just ended, and until a few days ago, I thought that this collection of CRZ's finest quotes would be up before tomorrow's Wrestlemania, as a means of passing the time if you refuse to/can't watch "All Day Long". As things stand, CRZ *may* have revoked his 'taking the weekend off' stance, but if this doesn't appear before WM, I hope that we had plenty of reasons to enjoy the show...
Let's get onto the business at hand...

WCW

Opening credits go like this - dadum da dadum da dadum da daa (repeat) why the HELL is Oklahoma in there - and so on
Thunder 01/03/00

Rhodes has something to say. "Listen - all you drones out here need to choose your heroes (the post-production helpfully airbrushes out a middle finger at this point - golly, my sensitive eyes MUST be protected!)
Thunder 01/03/00

"Earlier Today" footage shows Funk signing autographs for plants - I mean fans
Thunder 01/03/00

As we cut to 3 COUNT in the ring, we hear an off-camera voice say the strange word "Clear," and then laughter from the boys who don't mind unwittingly exposing the business. You know, this company spends countless, painstaking minutes blotting out offensive signs with such unfit words as "gay" and "sucks," and video distorting flipped birds, but has NO problem letting us here the "clear" cue with EVERY vignette. That's a free tip, WCW. USE IT. Case in point - a sign right behind the ring saying "ROGER SUCKS" gets video-distorted - first of all, why bother to video-distort when all you do is CALL ATTENTION to it, THEN don't bother to do a good enough job that anybody can figure out what the hell they were trying to block out anyway? ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.
Thunder 01/03/00

THE DEMON v. LA PARKA - what's that coming out of his mouth, Mae Young's afterbirth?
Thunder 01/03/00

Gene says the swimsuit competition is next, then twirls his mustache. Does that make him a melodramatic heel?
Thunder 01/03/00

Vampiro's music starts, then it stops and Package's music starts again - see, we haven't lit the pyro yet. Could they PLEASE stop passing out the drugs to the tech crew?
Thunder 01/03/00

"Luger sucks" chant is muted because it's more important that you not hear the word "sucks" than perceive genuine crowd heat. Jesus Christ, what is Luger's motivation to get over if THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BROADCAST THE RESULTS?
Thunder 01/03/00

Castrol GTX provides a replay of Vampiro jobbing - 'cause we don't see Vampiro job EVERY week - oh, wait, we DO!
Thunder 01/03/00

Backstage, Vampiro tells the EMT's to get the hell away from him - I guess he's worried he's gonna job to them or something.
Thunder 01/03/00

MICKIE JAY v. MARK JOHNSON - Good God, they spell his name THAT way?
Thunder 01/03/00

"Earlier Tonight," the Wall chokeslammed Crowbar through a table - wouldn't it be something if Crowbar woke up and remembered he was Devon Storm?
Thunder 01/03/00

Backstage, a voice yells out "mark" as we take a look at the losing woman, who is crying. Buff Bagwell happens upon her and asks what's up? She says that "the NWA - O - turned me down." Retakes are EXPENSIVE! Bagwell asks her to come with him, HE'LL cheer her up. How...does he have a straight friend?
Thunder 01/03/00

After two false starts of Jarrett's music and (of course) the offstage voice intoning the magic word "clear!" it's time for the main event...
Thunder 01/03/00

Fit Finlay has Vampiro in a choke and he's shouting him down, once again - but this time, Vampiro fights back! Watch out guys, you'll hit the TV-14-DLS ratings box!
Nitro 06/03/00

We immediately go to the opening PYRO PYRO PYRO and MAN there are some big sections of empty seats in the shot.
Nitro 06/03/00

PSYCHOSIS (already in the ring, with de Juice) v. KAZ (Hayashiryu, already in the ring) - "Finally, de joos has is in the house baida popoolur demand! And tonight, de joosy one, de grate one, and sicolooz and these cowgry gone live la vida loca, baby!" Search me, I don't have any idea what he was saying either.
Nitro 06/03/00

In the course of five seconds, the camera manages to miss BOTH the Artist waffling Psychosis with the belt AND Paisley giving a slap to Guerrera. But hey, it's only plot points - we don't REALLY need them, do we? Good direction costs MONEY, people!
Nitro 06/03/00

Also tonight, Ric Flair and Curt Hennig in a "you didn't tune it in last week, so we can get away with running it twice" matchup!
Nitro 06/03/00

Flair climbs to the second turnbuckle and poses - but the Wall is up on the apron and now he's got him by the neck - time for the CHOKESLAM THROUGH THE TWO TABLES! Jay calls for the bell (DQ? 2:28) Daffney is crying...the EMT's are out - hey, there's CURT HENNIG! Also TERRY FUNK & ARN ANDERSON. Hennig says where we can hear it - "C'mon Arn! The old man should have been here! Where's the old man at?" This segment was pretty well done - THE FIRST TIME I SAW IT.
Nitro 06/03/00

Backstage, Bam Bam Bigelow catches up to Wall at a staircase. "What are you doing? Is it that 'get over' thing again? You don't 'get over' by breaking people in half! They got bills to pay! What did I teach you?" Wall slaps him one and Bigelow falls through a table - which fails to break, it just kinda tips over - bet they wish they'd taped that one...
Nitro 06/03/00

The noisy logo flies in and tells us that "UNcensored days until 13" -what the HELL does that MEAN?
Nitro 06/03/00

Backstage, Sid Vicious tells Vampiro he NEEDS him (to job) tonight! Will he be there? Vampiro says "yes" - then mutters "Jesus!" Wait, can you speak the name of our Lord and Saviour on WCW television?
Nitro 06/03/00

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET and SIX - NO, THREE WOMEN come out - You know what? "Slapnuts" is over with exactly three people - unfortunately, they all host "WCW Live."
Nitro 06/03/00

Tank Abbott yells at a random security guy - and now he's WALKING! He walks by some random guys, calls 'em "yahoos" and tells 'em to shut up. Watch out guys, he might GO FOR HIS KNIFE!
Nitro 06/03/00

Abbott proclaims himself the Baddest Man on the Planet...just like Mike Tyson! Abbott says run the show, but he ain't leavin' the ring...hey, if this were REALLY a REAL shoot, don'tcha think they'd CUT HIS MIC?
Nitro 06/03/00

At this point, the "asshole" chant is muted because it's better to have DEAD SILENCE that give the impression that somebody just MIGHT be getting some heat from this crowd. My virgin ears! Why, that crowd ought to be THROWN OUT OF THE BUILDING!
Nitro 06/03/00

"But you're not gonna get it tonight because you people (suck)." Whoops, better fine him for trying to get a "suck" by the ever-vigilant WCW censors!
Nitro 06/03/00

Meanwhile, Total Package tells Ric Flair that Arn Anderson is dead weight. He refers to "last night," forgetting they're on tape for the NEXT night.
Thunder 08/03/00

THE DEMON v. IDOL (with Lane) - WHEN "INSPIRED BY METAL" NAMES COLLIDE!
Thunder 08/03/00

Hennig displays some doctor's orders - he can't wrestle tonight, but while the Total Package may get a night off tonight, but he'll be ready Monday to expose Luger for what he is - a jump back, cheap shot, nothing happening bodybuilder, who he's gonna take out. I don't know about you, but I'm actually willing to give this one a try - after all, we never got that whole WrestleMania X situation resolved...REMEMBER?
Thunder 08/03/00

Hulk Hogan provides pre-recorded comments - it's really VERY embarrassing for him as he screams "whatcha gonna do" over and over while strapping the floor. Do you suppose Hogan ever WATCHES himself? Of course, he shows no effects of the broken, yet castless, arm while using the strap. Sigh.
Thunder 08/03/00

At UNcensored, the graphic says Dustin Rhodes vs Terry Funk. But my heart says "time to go to the bathroom, then fix a snack! Better wash my hands between the toilet and the stove!"
Thunder 08/03/00

Oh, and BY THE WAY...did that brawl with the chicken make you more likely to want to *pay money* to see Funk and Rhodes at UNcensored? Hey, Greg, you think we should stop joking about it - because THIS could be the escalation to a "turkey on a pole" match that we've been worried about? Hah? THINK ABOUT IT.
Thunder 08/03/00

Two things here. One, muting Flair saying "you gotta suck up" is yet ANOTHER example of a lame policy being taken to the point of absurdity. It's at the level of having to say "international object" because Turner banned the word "foreign." The other thing is the fact that they fixate on the word "suck" to begin with. If Luger gets the crowd to chant "Luger sucks," then *he's doing the right thing.* Don't *discourage* it already. I know I said this last week - I'm gonna KEEP saying it until somebody gets it through their THICK HEADS. **PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING ON TELEVISION IS NOT THE PLACE TO WORRY ABOUT STRICT MORALITY AND SOMETHING AS PIDDLY NICKLE AND DIME AS THE USE OF THE WORD "SUCK."**
Thunder 08/03/00

Outside, Elizabeth and Package load the limo, then contrive some dialogue for us. "We'll find out Monday night!" All we needed was for Luger to turn to you and I and say "8PM, ONLY ON TNT!"
Thunder 08/03/00

Let Us Take You Back To Last Week, where Kidman hit his tag team partner Booker with a dropkick. WAS it an accident? (Well, yes, but don't let that mar the progression of the storyline...)
Thunder 08/03/00

Advance Auto Parts presents the WCW Motor Sports report! Blaise Alexander did some shtick with Jeff Jarrett (WOW! HE SAID "SLAPNUTS!") and then raced to an EXCITING! top twenty finish (that's code for "they finished twentieth")
Thunder 08/03/00

Gene O. stands with the Mamalukes - err, Paisans. They talk loud and say nothing. I haven't heard anybody say "clear" tonight, at least, so kudos to the crew on that.
Thunder 08/03/00

Is it a telling quote when he [Page] says "I don't know if I WANT to come back?" Well, now, my speculation would be something like...the ONLY reason they'd play THAT cut as a clip - well, actually, there are two. 1) This is part of the "twists and turns" that were promised for the Page/Bagwell angle, or 2) this is WCW and they just don't KNOW that playing that soundbite would be a NEGATIVE for the company - I guess it's probably 50/50...sad, isn't it?
Thunder 08/03/00

Jarrett asks the ladies if they want to flash Vampiro - GOOD LORD there are SO MANY EMPTY SEATS in that shot. Needless to say, Jarrett says there'll be no flashing and sends the women to the back - man, I *really* thought that we were gonna see naked breasts tonight even as they refuse to allow us to see or hear the word "suck" in any context! Hmm....come to think of it, "suck" is generally the first thing to come to mind when you think of WCW television programming...one of the women actually fakes CRYING because she didn't get to bare her breasts - RIIIIIIIIGHT.
Thunder 08/03/00

The WCW logo - it sees dead people
Nitro 13/03/00

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, the HARRIS BROS and SIX - NO, THREE WOMEN walk out to try to match Flair, Anderson and Hogan in terms of cuttin' a promo, yo - well, two out of three ain't bad, anyway.
Nitro 13/03/00

Six days away for Jarrett - he reminds us that he's gotten three recent pins on Mr. Vicious - and you can believe him, 'cause he's got footage! Jarrett channels Shane McMahon, punctuating his guitar kabongs with "OHHHH!" Each pin is preceded by a broken guitar - now if YOU were Jarrett, wouldn't you EDIT THOSE OUT?
Nitro 13/03/00

Backstage, Crowbar is wheeled into the ambulance, Flair climbs in after him (nice UK tour shirt!)
Nitro 13/03/00

Brian Knobs asks us to never wrestle - just in case we end up better than him
Nitro 13/03/00

Sid's music plays before Vampiro can add "and I'll job tonight, thanks."
Nitro 13/03/00

At UNcensored, Total Package takes on Sting - for the LAST last time! It's a Lumberjack Cast Match! Get down! Apparently, friendly people will put casts on their UNbroken arms and serve as evil lumberjacks, in addition to all the people with broken arms, who will apparently be GOOD lumberjacks. Okay.
Nitro 13/03/00

NEXT: Vampiro has some words for Jeff Jarrett. You know, I don't think that's really next...I think the BEST thing about this interview is that you can't HELP but hear Hulk Hogan's music playing over it THE WHOLE TIME! Damn, have they got it OUT for this kid or WHAT?
Nitro 13/03/00

Meanwhile, Brian Knobs looks for Dog - then finds him in a wrecked dressing room - drinking from a toilet in the adjoining bathroom.

Drinking from a toilet.
Nitro 13/03/00

Blocked - Funk grabs the can and rams BOTH their heads into the trashcan. Schiavone - LAUGHS. WHY does Schiavone laugh during the most "brutal" matches? It demeans their performance, fer cryin' out loud!
Nitro 13/03/00

Q: How come Jarrett can say "slapnuts" until the cows come home but Stevie Ray isn't allowed to say "fruit booty?" A: Racism.
Nitro 13/03/00

Opening credits - hey, wanna have fun? Let's dissect this opening montage and see if we can figure out who's getting a push, shall we?

  • Thunder logo
  • TBS logo
  • Goldberg
  • Rey Mysterio Jr.
  • Sid Vicious
  • Thunder logo
  • Goldberg
  • Crowbar whacking Vampiro while he covers David Flair
  • Billy Kidman flying onto Disorderly Conduct
  • The Mamalukes choking David Flair
  • Jeff Jarrett
  • Booker
  • Thunder
  • Disco Inferno wringing the arm of ...Vampiro maybe?
  • Goldberg
  • Bam Bam Bigelow throwing an elbow to Booker
  • "Danger: High Voltage" sign
  • Goldberg
  • A light bulb filament
  • Meng putting the Tongan death grip on the Total Package while he has Sting in the Torture Rack
  • Brad Armstrong (I think) hip-tossing Curt Hennig mixed with a picture of Goldberg
  • Terry Funk
  • Goldberg
  • Juventud Guerrera taking over Billy Kidman in a 'rana
  • Sting and Sid Vicious trading punches
  • Diamond Dallas Page
  • Sting splashing (David Flair?) as Ric Flair watches
  • Jeff Jarrett with a kabong on Buff Bagwell
  • Some video switcher text
  • Diamond Dallas Page
  • The filament again
  • Sting clotheslining Total Package
  • Same shot, closeup
  • Thunder logo with sparks
  • 90 degree rotated view of (Diamond Dallas Page?) hitting a sidewalk slam on Billy Kidman
  • Rick Steiner clotheslining Stevie Ray on the floor
  • Goldberg spearing Total Package
  • Sid Vicious
  • Continuation of the spear
  • Kevin Nash (Scott Hall sitting on ladder behind him)
  • Continuation of the spear
  • Different shot of Goldberg
  • Diamond Dallas Page, 90 degrees rotated
  • Goldberg
  • Sid Vicious powerbombing Rey Mysterio Jr. - Lodi is lying on the canvas in the background - the picture is negated after the impact
  • Prince Iaukea dropping a leg on Chris Adams (the HELL?)
  • the light bulb again
  • Total Package
  • Rick Steiner
  • Buff Bagwell in the middle of a Ten Punch Count Along on somebody we can't see
  • Goldberg
  • closeup of the same shot of Goldberg
  • siren light
  • Billy Kidman getting his arm raised by Mickie Jay (against Vampiro?)
  • siren again
  • Thunder logo
  • Lane leaping off the back of Rave to hit Big Vito
  • Sid Vicious destroying property backstage
  • Thunder logo and sparks
  • Oklahoma dropping an elbow on Vampiro (one of the longest clips in this montage, oddly enough)
  • Billy Kidman flying through the air and a light bulb filament
  • Sid Vicious
  • Public Enemy getting a shoulder to the gut (by Sid Vicious?) in the corner
  • Kanyon elbowing Stevie Ray with a "10-09" LED and siren light
  • Sid Vicious powerbombing Lash LeRoux
  • TBS logo with sparks
  • Bret Hart saluting to the sky
  • Goldberg
  • David Flair and Daffney Unger kissing
  • Kanyon dropping a leg on Stevie Ray with an "08" LED
  • Kanyon with a top rope moonsault - "07"
  • Sid Vicious - "06"
  • Siren
  • Goldberg - "06" - "05"
  • Thunder logo
  • TBS logo
  • Siren
  • Sid Vicious with "04"
  • Big Vito
  • Jeff Jarrett
  • Miss Elizabeth removing her jacket with "03" - "02"
  • Total Package hitting a double bicep as the "02" fades out
  • "02" - Bret Hart breaking a crutch on the top turnbuckle as Scott Hall sits
  • against the bottom two turnbuckles - "01"
  • Kevin Nash and just as you see Scott Hall...fading into
  • Jeff Jarrett
  • Thunder logo quickly from three angles
  • single frames of Booker, the siren, Rey Mysterio Jr, Sting and Sid Vicious, Rey Mysterio Jr, Goldberg, Bam Bam Bigelow and Booker, Goldberg, Kidman, Perry Saturn (!) and Bam Bam Bigelow, Goldberg, Sting and Sid Vicious, Booker and the WCW logo, Sid Vicious and Sting, Diamond Dallas Page, Meng and Total Package and Sting, the video switcher text, Goldberg, Terry Funk, Sting, Booker with an axe kick on Total Package, Diamond Dallas Page in a side view, the words "VIDEO MODE", Sting clotheslining Total Package, a crowd shot, Diamond Dallas Page at 90 degrees, Rey Mysterio being powerbombed, Goldberg, Buff Bagwell, Sid Vicious, Rick Steiner, another shot of Rick Steiner, Prince Iaukea and Chris Adams, Sid Vicious, a completely illegible shot, another shot nobody's in, an extreme closeup of a Public Enemy jersey, Goldberg, Kanyon, Sid Vicious, Goldberg, Sid Vicious, Bam Bam Bigelow and Booker, Goldberg, Billy Kidman, the light bulb, Total Package - in other words, almost all the shots we've seen to this point
  • Goldberg and sparks - negative and not
  • Just the sparks
  • And into the live shot and PYRO

    Because, my friends, only *I* am lame enough to detail a 45 second clip montage and you wouldn't *believe* how much some people hate me for it (as opposed to just skipping ahead). Still, who DON'T you see in that clip? (Hogan) Who do you BARELY see in that clip? (Hall, Hart, Flair) Who do you only see in the jobbin' position? (Vampiro) Does this give us insight into the future booking plans of WCW? (Discuss)

    Trust me....this works! We used to do it with "WWF Superstars" to figure out who was about to be fired!
    Thunder 15/03/00

    - and if you had (1:27) into the show for the first instance of video distortion of a sign in the audience - YOU WON THE BETTING POOL!
    Thunder 15/03/00

    Now there's a BLATANT "Jeff Jarret (sic) SUCKS" sign in the crowd, so I'm left to wonder - if they don't video distort THAT, what DID they video distort?
    Thunder 15/03/00

    WCW Magazine ad - I'd normally make a joke here, but the show's been pretty damn good so far, so it'll have to wait.
    Thunder 15/03/00

    Hey! You're video distorting Flair's head!
    Thunder 15/03/00

    Backstage, GENE O. works tonight! (Funny, he LOOKS sober...)
    Thunder 15/03/00

    Hey, "Deliverance" is airing on WTBS Saturday at 23:05 (20:05 over here) - that's like required viewing for all pro wrestling fans, isn't it?
    Thunder 15/03/00

    Abbott leaves the ring before the decision, yet instead of counting him out and declaring Buzzkill the winner, Jay stops the match. (:23) Then, Tank went for HIS KNIFE!!!! (Well, okay, no he didn't really.)
    Thunder 15/03/00

    Wall threatening to chokeslam Flair from the balcony to the lower level - yeah, right, what do you think this is, ECW?
    Thunder 15/03/00

    Vampiro is WALKING! Who will he job to tonight?
    Thunder 15/03/00

    "Beyond the Mat" ad - it starts FRIDAY! I'd go see it but I think I'll be wearing green and drinking.
    Thunder 15/03/00

    Backstage, Booker is WALKING! Then he RUNS into the TV-PG-DLV ratings box! Yowch, THAT'S gotta hurt!
    Thunder 15/03/00

    Gutshot by Vampiro, NAIL IN THE COFFIN. 1, 2, 3. (5:32) FINALLY Vampiro gets a well-deserved victory in a hard-fought match over some REAL competition. Why didn't they give him this match a MONTH ago? TOTALLY BITCHIN'.
    Thunder 15/03/00

    Yow! The casket! It's too heavy...but if it could, it'd be WALKING!
    Thunder 15/03/00

    Be sure and watch Saturday Night - Torrie might fall out of her top again like she did last week! THAT'LL turn 'em heel, all right!
    Thunder 15/03/00

    Also tonight, the Nitro return of Sting...against Ric Flair! (Wait, didn't we just see that quite recently? Oh, wait, everybody was watching RAW that week.)
    Nitro 20/03/00

    NEXT: Hard Knox Chris Candido is WALKING! Whoa, how'd he FREEZE like that in midstep?
    Nitro 20/03/00

    LASH LeROUX v. "HARD KNOX" CHRIS CANDIDO - Candido takes the mic and says he's got no gimmick, no catchphrases, and no trashy valet. Well, DAMN, does this mean no Tammy for us?
    Nitro 20/03/00

    The Nitro Spring Break Out 2000 is brought to you by Tough Actin' Tinactin and by TracFone! Doesn't that logo look like they made a mistake and had to cross something out?
    Nitro 20/03/00

    Tickets going on sale Friday for Spring Stampede in Chicago, Nitro in Rochester, and Saturday for Peoria, Nitro in Rockford, and Thunder in Syracuse! PLEASE buy some tickets - those empty seats look EMBARRASSING on television!
    Nitro 20/03/00

    BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda & still shots) and BOOKA v. HARRIS BROS (with still shots) for the tag team championship - Now listen here: if *I* can tell them apart, and I'm watching them all the way out here on TV, can't Tony (sitting about twelve feet away) be bothered to tell them apart as well? Hell, freakin' TENAY can figure it out.
    Nitro 20/03/00

    Torrie jumps on Don's back (!) - he pushes her off and before we can figure out if she fell out or not we zoom out - WAY out...
    Nitro 20/03/00

    THE NARCISSIST (with Liz & TV-14-DLS ratings box) v. RAW JUST STARTED - hey, no bottles, cans or coolers at South Padre Island next week, okay? (Also, no fun.)
    Nitro 20/03/00

    Last night, Sid Vicious held a post-match press conference in jeans only - ooh la la! Hulk Hogan interrupted to give his personal seal of approval to Vicious...then lingered as the press continued to ask him questions, ignoring Sid. Do you see where this is going? If not, the commentators are there to BEAT IT INTO YOU!
    Nitro 20/03/00

    Hey, you know that on wcw.com, they actually came out and ADMITTED that Morrus' music was a complete ripoff of "The Zoo?" Yup!
    Nitro 20/03/00

    Hey! How'zabout one more list of directions to get your wrist bands? You know what would be fun? If a whole bunch of people WITHOUT wrist bands just STORMED the place...oh you didn't get that idea from me...
    Nitro 20/03/00

    WCW Magazine features an article on the Man Called Sting - by God, if THAT don't make you want to subscribe RIGHT NOW I don't know WHAT will
    Nitro 20/03/00

    Another eyepoke by Flair. Chop, chop, oh DON'T actually SAY "he's not sellin'" for crying out loud!
    Nitro 20/03/00

    Setting up for the Sharpshooter - Flair's giving up! Package pulls out Robinson but the bell rings. (5:20) Tony: "I'm not so sure what the official call is, and I'm not so sure it matters..." well WHY THE HELL HAVE THE DAMN MATCH IF IT DOESN'T *MATTER*?!?
    Nitro 20/03/00

    Jarrett makes the tag. Kick, elbow, in the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick, chop, chop, T-bone Tazzplex, did he give a "fuck you" to Hogan that did NOT get muted? Get down!
    Nitro 20/03/00

    Vicious is up as Hogan motioning to the fans - ready to go off the ropes for the big leg on Jarrett but Vicious catches him IN the choke - chokeslam!! Sid covers Hogan....huh? Jay counts...1, 2, 3. (5:30) Good God, not only does that make very little sense (I KNOW they pretended to build it up all night - I KNOW they had their incredibly inept oaf of a colour commentator try to spoon-feed us the concept ALL NIGHT - even at the risk of ruining the "surprise" aspect of it - because, hell, what good is it to try and surprise us anyway, right?) but....well, despite weeks of quarter hours proving REPEATEDLY that Hogan and Sid are NOT what's drawing - what's on top? I guess the only saving grace is that by wrestling each other, they at least don't drag down two other performers by taking part in INDIVIDUAL feuds.
    Nitro 20/03/00

    First off, there's a good chance that everything that happens tonight will have absolutely no meaning. When we look at it THAT way, it's actually a lot more fun!
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Bill Busch has resigned following the news that your favourite cracka AND mine has come back to kill us all. This, of course, begs the obvious question: Haven't they learned ANYTHING? No, no, I meant THIS obvious question: When am I gettin' my twenty minute lucha libre matches back?
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Close captioned logo and "highlights" of Monday's quickie Sid turn - too late to prevent THAT, isn't it?
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Before any Meng/Abbott confrontation gets interesting, SECURITY is out to break it up. Oh, the bell rang in here - let's call it (DQ 1:46) Look out, Meng! ABBOTT'S GOING FOR HIS KNIFE!!
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Then as Gene tries to leave, Sid grabs him by the tie. As Vicious drops to his knees, Okerlund gets all melodramatic with the choking - hey, he's not drunk, is he?
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Gene O. stands with Dustin Rhodes, who calls Hogan a vampire and a disease - and he's the stake and the cure. Bloodletting and amputation are promised, but I kinda doubt we'd see that on a TV-PG show.
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Did GOD just buy ad time on this show? Well, they can't be THAT hard up for sponsors, then...

    Hmm, strangely enough, TBS decides to advertise "The Devil's Advocate" in this set of commercials, too
    Thunder 22/03/00

    I was gonna do play-by-play for this match, but ...c'mon. It's Chuck Palumbo, already. If you don't watch Saturday Night (and really, you should -it's the best WCW program on the air), Palumbo is the Jungle Jim Steele of the Power Plant. If he ends up winning, I'll go back and redo this paragraph. Oops, he didn't win.
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Everybody gets duct-tape-and-chicken-wire chyron tonight - I CAN'T stress this enough because they had *24 HOURS OF POST-PRODUCTION* invested in this show.
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Advance Auto Parts presents "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" Here's Wally Dallenbach, driver of the 75 WCW Ford, to tell us what it's like turning the steering wheel for a living. Even WALLY says the WCW logo sucks! Oh man, THEN he said that "racecar drivers are REAL athletes - not like those RASSLERS!" Can you believe THAT? The USHRA Monster Jam World Finals are this Sunday on pay-per-view - maybe Goldberg's gonna be there, too. Sure, he can't appear at UNcensored, but sign him up for the monster jam PPV!

    (Okay, he didn't really say that.)
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Outside, Knobs and Dog wait for their cue (they saw the Helmsleys do it and thought it was cool), then - yes! They're WALKING!
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Jiggle them boobies, front row girl!
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Hennig fights them off with one arm - until Jarrett kabongs his gee-tar on Hennig's head. Keep ringing that bell because it's SO annoying - meanwhile, there's a Steiner recliner on Bagwell. We cut to a crowd shot and the bellrining mysteriously ceases - which is weird, because I still saw Jarrett say "suck on DEEZ nuts" before they cut away - which seems like the kind of thing they would have edited out. Oh well.
    Thunder 22/03/00

    MY GOD! THEY OPENED UP A HOLE IN BAGWELL'S CHEST--oh, wait, that's just the graphic zooming in.
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Hogan says "...I'll take care of Dustin Rhodes on my own - put that business suit on, get Bill Busch and when I come out of the ring after I beat Dustin, have that contract signed with me and Sid..." Say, do Busch's contracts still have validity...after he RESIGNS?!?
    Thunder 22/03/00

    So, like, that guy's WHOLE JOB is to hand out sticks of Big Red for free? Did some eccentric millionaire die and leave this last request in his will or something?
    Thunder 22/03/00

    If I was a little kid and my parents bought me those "4 Fish Fly Free" videos, I'd probably turn gay RIGHT THERE.
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Close captioning brought to you by America Online! Since the graphics are broken, Mike Tenay didn't know to give it a voiceover - making it seem JUST LIKE you're hearing impaired!
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Next week: I make the over on that "CRZ can only last four weeks doing this show" bet. Come back, won't you?
    Thunder 22/03/00

    Anyway, Kimberly's wearing a swimsuit that reminds us all that Vince Russo is back once again, as well as one of those waist things that all the pornstars wear.
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Tony proclaims this past week one of the most exciting weeks in the whole of history and reveals that Brad Siegel, the president of Turner Entertainment Networks as well as WCW (wink) brought back Eric Bischoff as the head of Creative (wink) and also he was interested in bringing back Vince Russo (wink) - Russo hasn't decided yet, but some time tonight we'll find out! (wink)
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Here's A Special Video Look at Hogan at the Tower Records in Chicago -I can't help but notice we didn't see ANY shots of any throngs of people, or long lines, or anything - are they only leaving it to our imagination?
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Local spot hypes ...WWF Armageddon? Ummm, that was three months ago! Somebody at AT&T Cable is on some serious crack.
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Oh boy! Knicks/Kings tomorrow! My depression can CONTINUE! I hope they lose the lead to a free throw like they did Sunday...damn that Shaq and his diabolical free throw-making ability!
    Nitro 27/03/00

    I think the most unfortunate thing about the fact that Nitro and Thunder will be pre-empted next week is that INSTEAD, we'll get FOUR hours of "Ready to Rumble" infomercial in their place. Fortunately, no one will be watching them, so it won't matter.
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Gene starts out with "I want to thank you for bailing me out last week," and I ponder the symbolism.
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Package and Sting are at the hotel - and near the swimming pool. Thank GOD somebody's going in the water - if they killed THAT tradition there'd be NOTHING left....BACK BODY DROP INTO THE POOL! Who had Total Package in the betting pool?
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Elizabeth finally manages to do some damage, breaking a bottle (I think on Sting). Package goes to the surfboard. I mean, like, LITERALLY. HE HITS HIM WITH A SURFBOARD.
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Back to the ring, oh IT DOESN'T MATTER what happens in the ring so let's go back to the beach! Sting's in the ocean - BACK BODY DROP IN THE OCEAN! PILEDRIVER IN THE OCEAN! Charles Robinson leaps to the water - 1, 2, 3! (5:25) Sting's not done - bell clap! Clothesline! IN THE OCEAN! Tony has fifteen simultaneous orgasms.
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Back in the ring, it looks like Vampiro must have jobbed.
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Fit Finlay says that Bischoff & Russo have a good track record, and these are the guys who can sort it out. "I'm a team player as far as this business is concerned, and I'll back them all the way." First of all, after hearing THAT line of corned beef, I guess those stereotypes ARE true about Irish guys and drinking, and second of all, Finlay SHOULD have said "when are they teaming me back up with David Taylor and Doc Dean?"
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Here's a Special Video Look at the Wall - he's taking on Hulk Hogan later tonight. Oh man, don't tell me THAT'S your main event. "Let's TRY to set a record!" said the lame duck booker. "Lowest rated main event EVER!"
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Schiavone says he's been asked to "sell these two people beating each other up but I'm sorry, I can't do that right now." Sigh. The other guy is giving free blowjobs, by the way...this from a guy who has a rather unhealthy fiaxtion, going on and on about how the masturbation patterns of all the WWF fans out there. Bischoff & Russo are going to take two weeks to "sort things out" and debut *their* WCW Nitro on 10 April.
    Nitro 27/03/00

    WCW Magazine ad - I'm sure on tap for next month's issue is "Chris Benoit: How Long Can He Hold the Title?"
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Anyway, Tony gets relentless in hyping Nitro in two weeks. It would be HILARIOUS if RAW was SUCH hot shit next week that NOBODY came back to Nitro in two weeks. Now, in the LONG run, it'd suck, 'cause the WWF has tended to get REALLY lazy without competition, but in the short run...it'd be fun.
    Nitro 27/03/00

    I have a feeling you could play the Hulk Hogan/Big Bubba Rogers main event of the first episode of Nitro and feel like we've come full circle here. Sadly, the Mark speaks of the 10 April Nitro as if he already knows he'll still have a job providing colour commentary, and that's a strike against the "new" Nitro already.
    Nitro 27/03/00

    In the Thunder report, I'll tell you why I'm so depressed about what appears to be coming with WCW (just in case you haven't figured it out already). Join us then, won't you?
    Nitro 27/03/00

    Billy Kidman looks forward to Vince Russo coming back because "he elevates the younger talent. Bischoff's done a lot of great things for WCW the last time around, but he's noted for helping the 'established talent', to be politically correct." And THEN - he takes out a pad of paper and a magic marker and CONNECTS THE DOTS and DRAWS IT OUT FOR US, just in case we haven't gotten it yet. Jesus, how stupid and rubelike do they expect their dwindling audience to be?
    Thunder 29/03/00

    Curt Hennig says it's a great thing that they're back. Bischoff hired him and Russo knows he can go, "so I think it's gonna be a thumbs up year for Curt Hennig all the way." God bless Curt Hennig - he still manages to find a way to turn this bit into self-promotion.
    Thunder 29/03/00

    Ron Harris says that a 1975 booking style will be moved to 2000 AND somebody's in the office with a little backbone and things will get done. What exactly is he smoking again?
    Thunder 29/03/00

    WORLD HARDCORE TITLE: DOG v. BRIAN KNOBS Crutch! Garbage can lid! Garbage can! Woof! Woof! Woof! Fire extinguisher! Chair! Nasty! Nasty! Nasty! Crutch! Mop! Paint tray! Crutch! Crutch! Garbage can! Barricade! Garbage can! Garbage can lid! Garbage can! Pitty City! Nasty! Big boots to the chair! Clubbing blow! Elbow! Whip into the corner! Follow lariat! Woof! Woof! Gnaw! Woof! Woof! Table! Nasty! Chair! Garbage can! Cover! Three! Nasty! (Call 4:11)
    Thunder 29/03/00

    Tenay gamely tries to promo Spring Stampede despite having no knowledge of the card. I just had a scary thought...Bischoff on play-by-play...and Russo on colour.
    Thunder 29/03/00

    WWF

    TOO COOL and THAT SLUT CHYNA (with her "C2000") - OOPS, NO, I GUESS IT'S and CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN & CHRIS BENOIT (with Eddie Guerrero) - Starting off with a match? A MATCH? It's like *admitting* that Monday's show was off-kilter!
    Smackdown 02/03/00

    Chyna gets her own entrance (and bazooka) but has no role in this match. (Makes sense, he muttered in caustic fashion, although not loud enough to suggest he'd rather see her *in a match...*).
    Smackdown 02/03/00

    WWF: The Music (Volume 4) ad - did I read right that "Full Metal: the Album" was going to get a re-release, or did I just imagine that? Hey, anybody got a copy of that early 90's WCW album? I wanna hear "the Natural" again. "Well, they call him the Natural (Naturaaaaaal)..."
    Smackdown 02/03/00

    Man, a half hour without an interview! Maybe you and I *are* being rewarded for sitting through that God-awful RAW?
    Smackdown 02/03/00

    LILIAN GARCIA interviews Crash Holly, who says he's the greatest Hardcore championship the WWF has ever had - and to prove it, he's going to defend the title "24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year" - if they can find a sanctioned referee to follow him around, they can try to get a pinfall on him at ANY time in ANY place - I'm thinking while he sleeps would be a good idea...
    Smackdown 02/03/00

    OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, REAL AMERICAN HERO, GO JOE!, NOW YOU KNOW (AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE) KURT ANGLE v. SERGEANT SLAUGHTER for the Intercontinental championship - Holy crap, Sarge comes out to his *1992 ENTRANCE THEME!* YES!! I LIVE for continuity no one gets but me.
    Smackdown 02/03/00

    I can just imagine the poor refs going on strike again to fight constantly being awakened at 3am to follow some guy who's following Crash...refs in striped pajamas! THAT'S GOLD, BABY! Get me Bishop on the phone, it's time to write up a treatment!
    Smackdown 02/03/00

    Holy crap - I'm older than SHAQ? I'M OLDER THAN SHAQ? Geez, I have enough of a problem knowing I'm older than the Rock!
    Raw is War 06/03/00

    Backstage, Mark Henry tells Young to stay in the back - One can only hope she gets put through a table...wait, did I say that? What's WRONG with me?
    Raw is War 06/03/00

    The Acolytes steal from "Pulp Bookerman" - I mean, "Pulp Fiction." What, are they driving around a parking lot? Ah, vignettes.
    Raw is War 06/03/00

    SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY (with Mae Young) v. D-VON DAMN DUDLEY (with Buh Buh Ray Damn Dudley) - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week Because We're Apparently Not Smart Enough to Never Speak Of It Again - yup, talk to the hand. Lawler says "starfish," and I'm feeling woozy.
    Raw is War 06/03/00

    Somehow, we made it through the ENTIRE match without Ross telling us that Henry was really fat.
    Raw is War 06/03/00

    And I would much rather look like this than look like a 30-year-old, never-kissed-a-woman Olympic geek who still lives at home with his Mommy, so Mrs. Angel, put down your double whiskey sour, pick the corn chips from between your teeth, and get ready to see your baby boy JACKASS get a Y2J beating that he, and you will never...ever forget a-gain." Geez, I think he's talking about his good friend Mark Madden there, actually.
    Raw is War 06/03/00

    Shouldn't Lawler have NOT asked Terri about Mae Young's condition, so as not to encourage a flashback to HER superbomb through a table? Oh well.
    Raw is War 06/03/00

    This time around, we are told that only by going over the top will someone win this match - they say that so I don't whine about the door being RIGHT THERE!! like I always do.
    Raw is War 06/03/00

    TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO come out to "My Time" to start us off. And more and more, I'm starting to notice that Stephanie REALLY has trouble...you know, ACTING.
    Smackdown 09/03/00

    LA ROCA v. CHRIS BENOIT & PERRY SATURN in a handicap match - well, golly, Rock's out to jerk the curtain! Wait - I mean I AM OUTRAGED THAT BENOIT IS BEING WASTED BY THE WWF BY OPENING THE SHOW - whew, hopefully I get to keep my "smark" membership card now.
    Smackdown 09/03/00

    Rios is announced the winner, and Edge and Christian are left in the ring to argue. Cole loses A MILLION points for not bringing up the fact that Christian is a former light heavyweight champion.
    Smackdown 09/03/00

    Got no life? WrestleMania all day long - 2 April - only $49.95
    Smackdown 09/03/00

    Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Today where KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with Henry, Young and Moolah - "Mark, the emotional toll." "Man, I am tired of the stuff that's going on around here - somebody's going to seriously be injured. She is too delicate, man - too fragile for this kinda stuff, man - excuse me..." and they walk off. Hey, so Young can have a four hundred pound man on top of her and suffer no ill effects, but...wait, what was my point?
    Smackdown 09/03/00

    JEFF HARDY (with Matt Hardy) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh...and Al Snow & Head) - backstage, Snow tells Blackman he's found his biggest fan - then some guy (who WASN'T me - I swear) wearing a giant cheese on his head gushes while Blackman acts annoyed.
    Smackdown 09/03/00

    I GET LETTERS: STILL think that guy was me? Talk to Christopher Morgado, baby! Chris-

    The dude with the glasses who was Steve Blackman's number 1 fan on Smackdown is my old roommate from my freshman year at Salem State college in MA. His name's Will Carbo, and I laughed my ass off watching him act like a complete nerd... or maybe I was just laughing so hard because the last time I saw him he was a mall security guard...
    Smackdown 09/03/00

    The Rock is holding his side - MY GOD! ROCK IS *SELLING*!
    Smackdown 09/03/00

    Rock grabs the bell and hits a bell shot (complete with sound effect) of both men - wow, he really rang their bells! BWAAAAAAAAhahahahahaha - I kill me.
    Smackdown 09/03/00

    I GET LETTERS: Sometimes, you get JUST the right email at JUST the right time. Dave Mitchell provided with this insight: Y'know why they quit runing the "Getting Cheffy With It" commercials? 'Cause the Rock can't sell ravioli either! HAR!

    Thanks, Dave.
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    Still...don't let eight minutes of "Walker" keep you from catching WWF RAW - ONLY ON USA! (and maybe TSN, if there isn't some curling on or something)
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    Notice how the "coming up next" clips on USA are now Austin-free? I'm just saying, is all...
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    Opening credits - closed captioned - thanks to a German record store, I got a used original copy of "Full Metal: The Album" for $4 - I have already made an endless loop of that riff from "All Together Now" to play when I'm around the house and feeling alone. But I *still* don't need to hear anymore of "Thorn in Your Eye." Nope. Hey, there ARE a lot of new clips in this montage - why didn't I notice that earlier? Probably too busy humming along with the MUSIC! "All Together Now" kicks ASS! Who has the video? C'mon, they played it EVERY WEEK for a few months in 1995, SOMEBODY'S got it. Hell, *I* might have it - I really should go through these tapes some day...HEY! Bob Backlund turning heel! That'd make a good column...wait, I write columns? When did THAT happen? Oh, wait, you're not here for the tangents? Well, hell, how come you haven't already abandoned this paragraph for the next one, son? These things can't read THEMSELVES!
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    "In the Shadow of NewYork City," (a little birdie told me it was East Rutherford, NJ) we are LIVE 13.3.2K from the Continental Airlines Arena, where the word "desperate" is uttered a whopping THIRTY-ONE times in the span of two minutes - well, maybe I'm exaggerating JUST A SMIDGE
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    Rock walks off and Ross tells us that, by gosh, we could very well be seing the Rock's last match ever - EVER! (ha)
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by SNICKERS! The gay guys like it 'cause it's CHOCK FULL OF NUTS!
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    Lugz brings you the WWF Boot of the Week! From RAW last week, the Dudleyz conspire to put 77-year-old Mae Young through a table. Oops, Ross said "80" again. You know, he and Kevin Kelly really need to make up already.
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    On one hand, if you don't see the difference between THIS bump and the Grimes/New Jack bump, get somebody to explain it to you. On the OTHER hand, JESUS CHRIST, SHE'S 77!!!!!
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    Moments Ago, four paragraphs ago, hey, how about ANOTHER angle - it's STILL cool lookin'! Hey, did you catch Young squeezing Dudley's hand after the spot was done? A signal, maybe? "I'm okay?" Cool!
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    The Rock hosts Saturday Night Live this Saturday! Gee, what a shame it would be - I mean, it'd SURE suck if he would have had to RETIRE by Saturday, wouldn't it? Har har har...yeah right. Bleah.
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    Backstage, MICHAEL KING COLE asks FAB MOOLAH how she feels. "What the hell do you mean, how do I feel? I don't feel a damn thing! The bitch got what she deserved! That's exactly right. Listen, no one ever heard of Mae Young until I brought her into this organisation! I brought her in, she was nothing, and she's STILL nothing as far as I'm concerned. But, when I brought her in here, what appreciation did she show me? She disgraced me and all the organisation by showing her puppies, giving birth, and stealing my spotlight! I'm a Hall of Famer, do you understand that, Michael? Do you understand what I'm saying, and frankly I wanna tell you know, I don't give a damn if the bitch never EVER comes back!" This just in: Moolah gets new fan. Still, I DON'T want to see them wrestle each other again. I DON'T. I *DON'T*. You hear me? Don't book it! PLEASE! Moolah saying "bitch" repeatedly good - Moolah wrestling Young BAD.
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    Terri bounces out to Edge and Christian's confusion...strangle someone if you hear the word "she-devil" too many times.
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    Here's a couple scenes from "3rd Rock from the Sun" featuring Chyna - damn, I'll probably be watching the Kings lose to the Blazers again instead. Sorry! Tomorrow at 8 on NBC! Hey, can Ross say "NBC?" The graphic says "check local listings" for a reason....that's it, he's FIRED!
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    Hey, Val Venis is back, whoopee! I hear he had a real pain in the neck - or maybe he WAS a real pain in the neck, I forget.
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    OH MY GOD! "THREE AMIGOS" IS ON DISNEY RIGHT NOW!! I *must* watch the "Singing Shrub" scene after RAW is over! That scene KICKS ASS!
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    WrestleMania is THREE weeks away! Tupac Shakur ate SNICKERS the night he died!
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    When Vince McMahon get the biggest pop, is it any wonder he actually *thinks* he can keep us from seeing "Beyond the Mat?"
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    Lest this cynical, biased reporter totally ruin the spectacularness of this final sequence, allow my brother to put the proper spin on the night's festivities:

    I GET LETTERS: Aaron Zimmerman offers: I just marked out for vince... omigod. Somebody shoot me.

    It's okay, mah brutha - it's okay.
    Raw is War 13/03/00

    Seems weird to see Triple H wrestling at thirty-seven after eight, don't it? Of course, there's no wrestling competing with this show tonight...not that there's any on Monday, ba dum bum.
    Smackdown 16/03/00

    Back to real time, where Triple H trashes his office - hey, that was a *perfectly* good vegetable tray!
    Smackdown 16/03/00

    Mr. Backlund, I have a great idea. Why don't you procure your crossface chickenwing on this nice man?" Backlund promptly "snaps" and it's 1994 all over again. And I seriously COULDN'T be happier.
    Smackdown 16/03/00

    Man, Backlund looks FANTASTIC for fifty - oops, gave away his age. Pretend you didn't hear that.
    Smackdown 16/03/00

    As Guerrero points to his head - he ends up attacked from behind by THAT SLUT CHYNA. DDT! Did Cole just call that DDT a "3rd Rock" and will I have to shoot him?
    Smackdown 16/03/00

    Backstage, Tony Garea and Sergeant Slaughter attempt to free Kane - why don't they go find the guy who drives the truck? He's probably got a key
    Smackdown 16/03/00

    GRAND MASTER SEXAY (with Scotty Too Hotty) v. DEAN MALENKO (with Eddie Guerrero) for the WWF Light Heavyweight Championship - hey, remember when Brian Christopher was in the finals for this belt back in '97? No? What were you watching THEN, the NWO? You were? Oh.
    Smackdown 16/03/00

    TONIGHT: It's a tag team elimination tournament! DX takes on the Hardyz, and hopefully some other matches too, or it ain't much of a tournament!
    Raw is War 20/03/00

    Cole says he really enjoyed Saturday Night Live - McMahon says hey, that give him an idea.... "LIVE - FROM CHICAGO - IT'S RAW IS WAR!!" Then as Brisco and Patterson applaud, Vince gives us a look on his face along the lines of "Can you BELIEVE I get paid to act this hokey?"
    Raw is War 20/03/00

    For no apparent reason, we zoom in on a pair of breasts being fluffed up - wait, who am I to demand a reason?
    Raw is War 20/03/00

    Your hosts are a pair of kings, LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. "JR, let me ask you something. I mean, tonight's - WrestleMania's main event here live tonight, this is not gonna be one of those deals where they say that's gonna happen and it's not gonna happen, is it?" "I guarantee it's not - when the WWF tells you it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen!" Wow, good old Lawler - really caring about whether or not the fans get screwed. He's looking out for US! My question is...who's this a shot at - ECW?
    Raw is War 20/03/00

    Here's a look at the video for "The Kings" by Run-D.M.C. - a song based on the DX theme. In case you forgot - he's the KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING - of ROCK! This video's got lotsa drinking, smoking and tits. I expect Nickelodeon will add it to the playlist ANY minute now.
    Raw is War 20/03/00

    Faarooq hits a - well, I don't know how a move hurts when he ends up landing completely ON him.
    Raw is War 20/03/00

    Yesterday, Jerry Tolliver and the Stone Cold Steve Austin funny car took their third win! And to reward him, they let him sleep with Terri! Now THAT'S incentive!
    Raw is War 20/03/00

    What IS it about spitting in your hand that makes the punch THAT much more deadly, anyway?
    Raw is War 20/03/00

    LAST MONDAY: Here's some clips in "compressed-fake-letterbox-and-fun-video-effects-o-vision.
    Smackdown 23/03/00

    Tonight's opening arguments will be presented by STEPHANIE ONO & TREBLE H. Ewwww, Hunter's got *headlights!*
    Smackdown 23/03/00

    "Linda - now, MOM - don't make this difficult - GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE - NOW!!" And so LINDA McMAHON *does* come out, to - holy crap, that's "(Whoa-oh-oh) WrestleMania" from the old "Slam Jam" album!
    Smackdown 23/03/00

    Rock comes to the ring to his track from the "WWF Aggression" CD (complete with special CD graphic replacing the WWF logo in the corner of the screen for a bit) with rap by Method Man. It sounds quite agreeable - oops, Cole just said "I'm diggin' the Method Man," so screw THAT.
    Smackdown 23/03/00

    Here's an exterior shot of the Bradley Center! Hey, it's MARCH!! Why do they STILL have Christmas lights on the trees? Sheesh! That's just like trying to continue to get away with having a "Micasa 99" logo! Oh, wait...
    Smackdown 23/03/00

    STEPHANIE ONO comes out with VISIBLE HEADLIGHTS! WAHOOOOO oh sorry. But at least if I focus on her NIPPLES, I don't have to be annoyed by her FACE - which just DOESN'T really do "smug" in a good way.
    Smackdown 23/03/00

    "...Even at 19, I knew how ta - use my ASSets to get what I wanted." Lawler: (only dogs and I can hear him say) "Use her assets?" Cole: "I'm not even believin' this." Me: "Over here with me, Cole."
    Smackdown 23/03/00

    "That's a trick YOU taught me, Mom...the power of persuasion. Especially as it pertains to the opposite sex - that's what this game is all about, isn't it Mom?" [chant is muted out here - what is this, Thunder?]
    Smackdown 23/03/00

    LINDA McMAHON comes out to "WrestleMania" and it looks like the graphics have a new font and fade-in. Oh, man, this'll be exciting, won't it?
    Raw is War 27/03/00

    Geez, it's like they said "just talk - no pauses - just get it all out - don't lock up - just say it - say it - say it." Linda's the MASTER OF MONOTONE.
    Raw is War 27/03/00

    "Vince, I appreciate that but I think you've known me a long time and you know that I can take care of myself." Linda SMILES!! She shows EMOTION!!
    Raw is War 27/03/00

    Crash is out first, and hiding behind a trashcan - everybody goes the wrong way and looks confused - too bad they weren't watching the cameraman, who kept swinging back to the trashcan to watch Crash.
    Raw is War 27/03/00

    TOO COOL come out and NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! I'm *praying* for another beatdown but not tonight, I guess...why yes, this DOES take longer than the match. Up yours, wrestling fans!
    Raw is War 27/03/00

    Hey, you don't think when the Rock said "Stephanie turns on Vince," he meant something kinky? I mean, if he's checking Shane for erections and all...
    Raw is War 27/03/00

    THA GODFATHA & D'LO BROWN (with twenty-four--err, a dozen women) pay off the Acolytes to take a walk, then beat on the two men in the ring until their music plays again. I'd be remiss if I didn't note the GIANT UNNATURAL BREASTS on that one woman, so here's a sentence about that...
    Raw is War 27/03/00

    STEPHANIE ONO comes to the ring to "My Time," carrying a letter. Say, if we're REALLY lucky, she just might read it to US!
    Smackdown 30/03/00

    Holy CHRIST that was a waste of time. Seriously - what was the POINT of that?
    Smackdown 30/03/00

    THAT SLUT CHYNA gets an entrance for no good reason other than somebody REALLY enjoys seeing her shoot off that bazooka. "Don't treat me like a chicken / don't treat me like a ham / don't treat me like a ribeye..."
    Smackdown 30/03/00

    You know, that kid's seen ENOUGH dead people tonight - I MEAN IT
    Smackdown 30/03/00

    Hey, how many of you were waiting for the breaking of glass? Eh? Eh?? What, NONE of you? C'mon, get some longer memories already!!
    Smackdown 30/03/00

    Richard Craig
    (A Scotsman living in)
    Bedfordshire, England, UK
    [slash] wrestling


    Mail the Author

    Richard is fired for missing my BEST quote of March... from the 6.3 RAW report: "Viscera with the mop! Viscera with ANOTHER mop! Viscera with the broom and dustpan! VISCERA IS CLEANING UP!" - CRZ ;-)

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    Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
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