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Richard Craig

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SPECIAL COLUMN: The Month in Quotes
January 2000

After reading the fantastic complilation of CRZ quotes from the year that was 1999, and that some have expressed a preference for less quotes in one serving, I have decided to step up to the plate (should a Brit like me *really* use a baseball reference?) and compile the best quotes from each month. I think that given the onerous nature of this task, CRZ won't mind about me volunteering to take this off his hands, and if you're reading this, I guess he *does* appreciate it...

WWF

Crash in the ring taking a bit of amusement from the whole thing, and Hardcore hits a superkick on him. Looks like they're going to fight through the crowd again. Holly blowing one of my rules of thumb - "new tights = title win" - must speak to him about that.
Raw is War 03/01/00

Yow, ANOTHER ad break! They're sure *milking* this "unopposed hour" thing, aren't they?
Raw is War 03/01/00

Back in the dressing room, DX again discusses strategy - THIS time, the Rock busts in and interrupts proceedings, taking out the (already possibly inebriated - or at least suffering ill effects from some "possibly bad celery") Dogg in the process, and giving a few shots to the other two before beating a retreat.
Raw is War 03/01/00

Meanwhile, the Big Show walks off without a word. Hey, he'll catch a frightful chill without a shirt! Show wears TOMMY!
Raw is War 03/01/00

"My Time" plays (#2) and STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY walks out with TIM WHITE (with the belt), JIM KORDERAS and CHAD PATTEN. I already have a sneaky suspicion what's about to happen, but don't dare utter it for fear it'll come true. Hint: it involves refs wrestling to settle this.
Raw is War 03/01/00

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. X-PAC - Why, Big Show, what a PRETTY braid you're wearing!
Smackdown 06/01/00

Police officers walk a beat outside the Orlando Arena. Are you telling me Mick Foley can't even BUY A TICKET?!?
Smackdown 06/01/00

Chyna throws Jericho back in the ring to a waiting Hardcore - there's a gutshot, and there's there's the Hollycaust falcon arrow, and there's your pin. (2:25) Chyna nabs the belt and walks off...presumably straight to a shower with the Kat - err, wait.
Smackdown 06/01/00

Stephanie and Hunter, watching from their office, seem to think that that's REALLY Foley. Oh well. A knock at the door - on Helmsley's way out (presumably to book a match for Angle) it's Tori coming in - all the bathrooms are occupado, can she use theirs? Stephanie says knock yourself out. MY question is, how long will it take her to peel out of that fetishist's dream?
Smackdown 06/01/00

And now, 1-800-COL-LECT brings you the WWF Slam-of-the-Week! From RAW, Steve Blackman nails Kurt Angle with the kendo stick, giving him a DQ victory against Kane. YEAH! Steve Blackman, baby! SLAM OF THE WEEK!
Smackdown 06/01/00

At Universal Studios, "Mankind" spies the "Back to the Future" - he plans on turning the hands of time back to his first WWF title victory - no, check that, he'll go back to 15 March 1982, when his wife last found him attractive enough to have sex.
Smackdown 06/01/00

RIKISHI PHATU (with Too Cool - and their music) v. TREBLE H (with Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley) for the WWF Championship - Phatu tells Too Cool to head off to the back. I remember Head Shrinker Fatu taking on Bret Hart something like seven years ago (and he almost won! Well, 'cause he and Samu were switching behind the ref's back, but STILL...) - this could very well be his first title shot since that match. His music should now go "THREE TIME! THREE TIME! THREE TIIIIIIIME!"
Smackdown 06/01/00

The SEVENTH anniversary of WWF RAW! Can you dig it? How 'bout that first original card, eh? Ha! Yokozuna and Koko B. Ware - I mean, and we ATE THAT STUFF UP, didn't we? Come to think of it - I could go for that match RIGHT NOW! Why isn't somebody putting that on TV for me?!?
Raw is War 10/01/00

Mankind tells the fake Mankind that he's all tied up - then he laughs hysterically. Only, see, it was...well.....kinda lame. I know! I can't believe I'm saying it either! But still....perhaps this is becoming a yearly tradition? Last year Mideon was born when Dennis Knight was "sacrificed" - complete with fake blood and druids. This year, he's dressed in the Mankind outfit and playing the part of Vince McMahon to Mankind's Steve Austin. And you people forget I can get annoyed with the WWF!
Raw is War 10/01/00

Did Ross just say "he just jerked off Scotty 2 Hotty" or was I imagining it? Is Ross DRUNK or something?
Raw is War 10/01/00

Kane busts in on...you guessed it - faux-Mankind. Then he demolishes him, throwing him all over the dressing room and into the hall, then into a nearby stairwell. Ross: "Mick Foley's a genius!" Oh, sure, ruin it for me by using two camera angles in this stairwell. Oh, wait, maybe Mankind deliberately set up having these cameras here KNOWING this would happen - after all, he's a genius!
Raw is War 10/01/00

Helmsley offers a hand to Dogg - nope - X-Pac - nope - high 5 for Ass - nope. Kiss from Stephanie? YES! THEIR LIPS MET FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS! THE SPARK IS STILL THERE! Umm, WHY am I screaming?
Raw is War 10/01/00

Let Us Take a Special Video Look at Cactus Jack, in a clip entitled "Japan: Barbed Wire & Bombs) complete with barbed wires, burning chairs, and bed of nails. Somebody must have tipped off somebody to prepare this video package - they couldn't have just whipped it up in fifty minutes!!
Smackdown 13/01/00

Backstage, Jericho, Chyna and Kat are standing around. Chyna says she wants Jericho to know that regarding Monday, she's not upset - if she'd done something to upset him, she's sorry. She'd really like to let bygones be bygones and make this thing work. "No more of these crazy headgames?" There's a handshake. Jericho says it was big of Chyna to admit she was wrong, and yeah, they CAN do this. As Chyna walks off, Jericho thinks to himself, "gosh! She really HAS changed!" while the rest of us scream at the TV, "DON'T *FALL* FOR IT, YOU FOOL!"
Smackdown 13/01/00

Stephanie's got all the rhythm of the Caucasian race behind her attempts to chop her crotch in time with the "X" pyrotechnics. Triple H has THE STICK. "Now, ah, let me make a guess there, Butterball - who's gonna walk through there next?" Hey, TONY CHIMEL cuts quite a handsome figure, you leave him alone!
Smackdown 13/01/00

Kat sensuously massages her thigh...I'm thinking about sensuously massaging parts of MY body. Oh, COME ON - that's a pretty good line!
Raw is War 17/01/00

Jerry Lawler stands in the ring with MOST OF THE WOMEN of the WWF. Look at Luna and Jackie trying to get over as wrestlers during this bit - and LAUGH and laugh and laugh.
Raw is War 17/01/00

Ross warns us about Sunday's contest: "Buyer beware." Is that a code word for "somebody might take their top off and we'll have to apologise for it on Monday?"
Raw is War 17/01/00

Youngblood says we're looking for some solid bone healing here - and that'll take at least three months - maybe six to twelve - before Austin can perform without restriction. What Youngblood FAILED to say was whether or not Austin ever told him if he got a good look at the driver of that car that ran him down...or not.
Raw is War 17/01/00

Wow! A three hour Mary Kay Letourneau EVENT! Maybe if I commit some crimes they'll make a movie about ME!
Raw is War 17/01/00

Halftime HeAT will once again grace the USA Network on Super Sunday! I thought I heard somewhere they'd learned their lesson and it WOULD be live in all timezones this year - hey, you think maybe the USA Network must have gotten my letter last year?
Raw is War 17/01/00

How come nobody talked about all the pixelation and green rectangling on THUNDER! last night? And all that because the word "GAY" was on the sign and they didn't want us to see it! How LAME can you get? Talk about WCW being a bunch of GLAAD lap dogs...of course, at least they didn't ever air something like DDP insinuating that Buff was very pretty and all the guys liked him, immediately followed by Bagwell taking offense and beating up Page...oh, but that DID happen on THUNDER! too, didn't it? Hmm, I guess this won't be resolved in THIS paragraph.
Smackdown 20/01/00

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW, out with a smattering pyro and a healthy touch of booing from the crowd... but not from me! He's dressed in his "catburglar" getup - black jacket and black wool hat. His mom probably told him to wear it - "wear your hat or you'll catch a chill!" "Mom, who was my real father?"
Smackdown 20/01/00

Want a Stone Cold Baseball Hat? And why isn't it called a "cap?" For the answers to these and other great mysteries, send your cable bill to this address!
Smackdown 20/01/00

Triple H is busted open, we are told - but we don't get to see it - this is a TV-PG rated show, folks! But don't worry, the PPV will be TV-14! Oh wait, there's a LITTLE shot of the blood. Oh, he's only bleeding from one of those mouth capsule things! What a wuss! I hope they do better at the Rumble!
Smackdown 20/01/00

You know, somebody should have had the courage to tell Chuck Norris he SHOULDN'T be singing his theme song
Raw is War 25/01/00

"The WWF would like to remind you that our superstars are trained athletes, so none of their moves or stunts should be tried at home by unskilled individuals - this message is from the WWF." Is it just me or are kids a lot stupider than when *I* was a kid?
Raw is War 25/01/00

THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Tori) v. X-PAC - it's almost enough to make you wonder whether or not they'll bring up the holiday Tori spent with "perfect gentleman" X-Pac. Not yet...although Lawler DOES bring up Kane's illegal elimination yesterday in the Rumble matchup at the hands of X-Pac. Whoa Nellie, they brought up the holiday too! All this continuity will be the death of me!
Raw is War 25/01/00

The Rock will appear on "Star Trek: Voyager" on 9 February! See the eyebrow! Feel the Rock Bottom! Is NOTHING sacred when they have to defile a "Star Trek" with WWF superstars?
Smackdown 27/01/00

Our favourite theme music plays - but it's STEPHANIE ONO and not the champ walking to the ring, microphone in hand. I saw her headlights! I saw her headlights!
Smackdown 27/01/00

Buh-Buh Ray wailing away with rights and standing on the throat while screaming "I HOPE YOU DIE!!" Well, that's not nice.
Smackdown 27/01/00

What happens when your favourite WWF Superstars take over network television for a week? The UPN might call it "Bad Attitude Week," but *I* call it SWEEPS WEEK!
Smackdown 27/01/00

She ripped all my clothes off, every stitch! And then how you kissed my lips...(audio replaced - video replaced - wonder what he's saying - clearly not TV-PG and PTC-friendly - so why have it on SmackDown!?)...and yeah, it was a wonderful Christmas for us - Santa had a hell of a sleigh ride that night - (audio replaced - video replaced - slo-mo filler video - commentary we heard before - bleah) - so I hope you liked my little tale - the X-Pac and Tori Christmas Story.
Smackdown 27/01/00

There's just so many ways this doesn't make much sense - it's pretty un-WWF-like, you could say. I guess it doesn't help that they totally emasculated whatever was said with a TSN-job.
Smackdown 27/01/00

Hey the Rock's gonna be on Star Trek: Voyager 9 February and Jeri Ryan's got some huge tits
Smackdown 27/01/00

To make this segment even BETTER, out come SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY & MAE YOUNG to Moolah's music. "Hold up, hold up! We have an announcement - Mae, you tell 'em." "No." "C'mon, Mae, tell 'em." "You relly want me to tell 'em?" "Yeah!" "I'M PREGNANT!" umm...she's like *79* - trust me, there ain't NOTHIN' in there. Hey, you know what would make this even better? She can have a miscarriage later - and it can be D'Lo Brown's fault! I'm starting to think tonight was a COMPLETE waste of time...oh, sorry, I love *everything* the WWF does, right? Somebody go tell those guys on the WrestleLine forum how biased I am again...
Smackdown 27/01/00

I GET LETTERS: From JB: Just wanted you to know that there's another guy who's sick as hell of singing along with the Rock. It's funny to think, all these Rocky marks are probably the same people who liked the New Kids on the Block when they were cool, and then pretend they never did. We'll see who's laughing when everyone else finally gets sick of the weakest finisher in wrestling history. Testify!
Raw is War 31/01/00

Just to entertain me, Jim Ross embellishes every utterance of the word "Dudley" with "damn" - "those damn Dudleys, that damn D-Von Dudley, these damn Dudleys, those damn Dudleys" - Jesus, he's just BEGGING to get his ass kicked.
Raw is War 31/01/00

Have I yet mentioned Show's new "I'm Buff and I'm the Stuff" haircut? Did I follow it up with "What the HELL was he thinking?" Well, I MEANT to.
Raw is War 31/01/00

Here's her opponent - err, "Hervina" - WALKING! I'm sure we'll find out that's Stevie Richards in drag later...hopefully not AFTER he wins the Women's World Title...?
Raw is War 31/01/00

MICHAEL KING COLE is out to talk to the new Champion - after asking where she's from, a very masculine voice says "I'm from Walston, Mississippi" and he's quickly outed as - oops, my bad, it's really HARVEY WIPPLEMAN.
Raw is War 31/01/00

Stephanie definitely suffering from "Shane-itis" on the mic. All we need is a "Booyah!"
Raw is War 31/01/00

WCW

Your hosts are the AWESOME 3 and not Scott Hudson - I smell a power play! Tonight, Bill Busch names a brand new WCW commissioner - because Gosh darn it, that sneaky NWO has gone way over the line! Lou Thesz and Bruno Sammartino's names are batted around by Heenan and Tenay. Who're those guys?
Nitro 03/01/00

The limousine has arrived at the back of the building! I bet nobody gets out of it for another - oh - twenty minutes!
Nitro 03/01/00

Tony tells us that at the top of the hour, we'll have that new commissioner. Didn't see THAT one coming, didja.
Nitro 03/01/00

We are live from the Marine Midland Arena in Buffalo, NY and Tony wastes no time noticing that no matter what the sport, Buffalo's got fans who WHINE, it's WCW Monday Nitro Live! 10.1.99 and only on AMERICA ONLINE NETWORK TELEVISION
Nitro 10/01/00

OKLAHOMA is out. GREAT.
Nitro 10/01/00

"Closed captioning where available sponsored by our new best friends - America Online!" - Tony "Company Man" Schiavone
Nitro 10/01/00

Bret Hart is STILL getting dressed? It's been, like, an hour!
Nitro 10/01/00

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. JIMMY "SUPERFLY" SNUKA in a cage match - Maybe I should just fast-forward to the big splash off the top of the cage. Or...you don't think they'd bring him out here to NOT do that move?
Nitro 10/01/00

PLEASE tell me how, on a TV-14 show, they feel like they have to mute "fruit booty."
Nitro 17/01/00

Backstage, the Marmalutes and Disco Inferno....are...WALKING! Vito tells him he's gonna kick him, he's gonna punch him - I guess it would have been out of character to request a flying headscissors, top-rope plancha, and tope con hilo...
Nitro 17/01/00

"WCW Mayhem: the Music" CD spot - now selling at a brisk pace of about 23 units a week
Nitro 24/01/00

Package wonders where Liz is, decides he doesn't care, and starts to celebrate...but the lights go out - some familiar music starts up - a FIGURE appears at the entryway and points a baseball bat at Package - then the lights go out and the music stops - then, when they come back up, HE'S GONE! Of course, he could have just run away in the darkness...naah, he DEMATERIALISED! YEAH!
Nitro 24/01/00

Meanwhile, the women massage Nash, who insists that things are all going according to schedule - "all part of the plan." Who does he sound like there? "You say those last two months sucked? Hey - all part of the plan!"
Nitro 24/01/00

Gene O. apologises for the technical problems, and then says "if I didn't know better, I'd say the WWF might have sabotaged my microphone." What the HELL?
Nitro 17/01/00

DAVID FLAIR & CROWBAR & DAFFNEY come out, scare away all the commentators, and take the headsets. Clearly I'm being punished for something.
Nitro 24/01/00

Everybody stands, awaiting the run-in - here's JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET with silver gee-tar. Sid with a right, then breaks the guitar over Nash's head. Sid goes down as Robinson gets up - Robinson looks at the shattered guitar in the ring and sees two men down, and doesn't know WHO did WHAT with WHAT to WHOM. SID IS THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE. Sid fake-crawls over to Nash and covers - 1, 2, 3!!!! DAVID ARQUETTE WAS UNINVOLVED!!! Sid points to his head. If Jim Gramze is reading, THAT'S the picture I want - Sid pointing to his head.
Nitro 24/01/00

DISCLAIMER: I'm on (get this) JURY DUTY! So, since sleep is suddenly more important that accuracy in Monday reports to me, I'm gonna have to HALF-ASS it tonight. That means ONE pass, NO rewinding, NO transcription (well, unless it's REALLY important - and I can keep up with them)...hell, you probably won't even notice if I hadn't brought it up!
Nitro 31/01/00

MAMALUKES (Luke, Mama, I love you) v. BADLANDERS in a return match for the tag team championship in a Bensonhurst Street Fight - after a brief tussle outside (OH NO! HE BACKDROPPED HIM INTO A SNOW BANK!)
Nitro 31/01/00

For an encore, Biggs says that Booker T. can't use the "T." anymore, either, as it's ALSO property of Harlem Heat - and we don't want no copyright infringement goin' down. Good God, they're stealing all my jokes!
Nitro 31/01/00

Another ad for "Shutterspeed" - MAN that Sting can ACT
Nitro 31/01/00

And there you have it: I'll be back in a few weeks with a look at February if this effort is well received by CRZ and everyone else at [slash]...

Richard Craig
(A Scotsman living in)
Bedfordshire, England, UK
[slash] wrestling


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Wot! No WXO quotes? - CRZ

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission