/wrestling /guests /Craig |
UK News | Richard Craig |
MainBLAH |
SPECIAL COLUMN: The Month in Quotes January 2000 After reading the fantastic complilation of CRZ quotes from the year that was 1999, and that some have expressed a preference for less quotes in one serving, I have decided to step up to the plate (should a Brit like me *really* use a baseball reference?) and compile the best quotes from each month. I think that given the onerous nature of this task, CRZ won't mind about me volunteering to take this off his hands, and if you're reading this, I guess he *does* appreciate it... WWF
Crash in the ring taking a bit of amusement from the whole thing, and
Hardcore hits a superkick on him. Looks like they're going to fight through
the crowd again. Holly blowing one of my rules of thumb - "new tights =
title win" - must speak to him about that.
Yow, ANOTHER ad break! They're sure *milking* this "unopposed hour" thing,
aren't they?
Back in the dressing room, DX again discusses strategy - THIS time, the Rock
busts in and interrupts proceedings, taking out the (already possibly
inebriated - or at least suffering ill effects from some "possibly bad
celery") Dogg in the process, and giving a few shots to the other two before
beating a retreat.
Meanwhile, the Big Show walks off without a word. Hey, he'll catch a
frightful chill without a shirt! Show wears TOMMY!
"My Time" plays (#2) and STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY walks out with TIM WHITE
(with the belt), JIM KORDERAS and CHAD PATTEN. I already have a sneaky
suspicion what's about to happen, but don't dare utter it for fear it'll
come true. Hint: it involves refs wrestling to settle this.
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. X-PAC - Why, Big Show, what a PRETTY braid you're
wearing!
Police officers walk a beat outside the Orlando Arena. Are you telling me
Mick Foley can't even BUY A TICKET?!?
Chyna throws Jericho back in the ring to a waiting Hardcore - there's a
gutshot, and there's there's the Hollycaust falcon arrow, and there's your
pin. (2:25) Chyna nabs the belt and walks off...presumably straight to a
shower with the Kat - err, wait.
Stephanie and Hunter, watching from their office, seem to think that that's
REALLY Foley. Oh well. A knock at the door - on Helmsley's way out
(presumably to book a match for Angle) it's Tori coming in - all the
bathrooms are occupado, can she use theirs? Stephanie says knock yourself
out. MY question is, how long will it take her to peel out of that
fetishist's dream?
And now, 1-800-COL-LECT brings you the WWF Slam-of-the-Week! From RAW, Steve
Blackman nails Kurt Angle with the kendo stick, giving him a DQ victory
against Kane. YEAH! Steve Blackman, baby! SLAM OF THE WEEK!
At Universal Studios, "Mankind" spies the "Back to the Future" - he plans on
turning the hands of time back to his first WWF title victory - no, check
that, he'll go back to 15 March 1982, when his wife last found him
attractive enough to have sex.
RIKISHI PHATU (with Too Cool - and their music) v. TREBLE H (with Stephanie
McMahon-Helmsley) for the WWF Championship - Phatu tells Too Cool to head
off to the back. I remember Head Shrinker Fatu taking on Bret Hart something
like seven years ago (and he almost won! Well, 'cause he and Samu were
switching behind the ref's back, but STILL...) - this could very well be his
first title shot since that match. His music should now go "THREE TIME!
THREE TIME! THREE TIIIIIIIME!"
The SEVENTH anniversary of WWF RAW! Can you dig it? How 'bout that first
original card, eh? Ha! Yokozuna and Koko B. Ware - I mean, and we ATE THAT
STUFF UP, didn't we? Come to think of it - I could go for that match RIGHT
NOW! Why isn't somebody putting that on TV for me?!?
Mankind tells the fake Mankind that he's all tied up - then he laughs
hysterically. Only, see, it was...well.....kinda lame. I know! I can't
believe I'm saying it either! But still....perhaps this is becoming a yearly
tradition? Last year Mideon was born when Dennis Knight was "sacrificed" -
complete with fake blood and druids. This year, he's dressed in the Mankind
outfit and playing the part of Vince McMahon to Mankind's Steve Austin. And
you people forget I can get annoyed with the WWF!
Did Ross just say "he just jerked off Scotty 2 Hotty" or was I imagining it?
Is Ross DRUNK or something?
Kane busts in on...you guessed it - faux-Mankind. Then he demolishes him,
throwing him all over the dressing room and into the hall, then into a
nearby stairwell. Ross: "Mick Foley's a genius!" Oh, sure, ruin it for me by
using two camera angles in this stairwell. Oh, wait, maybe Mankind
deliberately set up having these cameras here KNOWING this would happen -
after all, he's a genius!
Helmsley offers a hand to Dogg - nope - X-Pac - nope - high 5 for Ass -
nope. Kiss from Stephanie? YES! THEIR LIPS MET FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS!
THE SPARK IS STILL THERE! Umm, WHY am I screaming?
Let Us Take a Special Video Look at Cactus Jack, in a clip entitled "Japan:
Barbed Wire & Bombs) complete with barbed wires, burning chairs, and bed of
nails. Somebody must have tipped off somebody to prepare this video package
- they couldn't have just whipped it up in fifty minutes!!
Backstage, Jericho, Chyna and Kat are standing around. Chyna says she wants
Jericho to know that regarding Monday, she's not upset - if she'd done
something to upset him, she's sorry. She'd really like to let bygones be
bygones and make this thing work. "No more of these crazy headgames?"
There's a handshake. Jericho says it was big of Chyna to admit she was
wrong, and yeah, they CAN do this. As Chyna walks off, Jericho thinks to
himself, "gosh! She really HAS changed!" while the rest of us scream at the
TV, "DON'T *FALL* FOR IT, YOU FOOL!"
Stephanie's got all the rhythm of the Caucasian race behind her attempts to
chop her crotch in time with the "X" pyrotechnics. Triple H has THE STICK.
"Now, ah, let me make a guess there, Butterball - who's gonna walk through
there next?" Hey, TONY CHIMEL cuts quite a handsome figure, you leave him
alone!
Kat sensuously massages her thigh...I'm thinking about sensuously massaging
parts of MY body. Oh, COME ON - that's a pretty good line!
Jerry Lawler stands in the ring with MOST OF THE WOMEN of the WWF. Look at
Luna and Jackie trying to get over as wrestlers during this bit - and LAUGH
and laugh and laugh.
Ross warns us about Sunday's contest: "Buyer beware." Is that a code word
for "somebody might take their top off and we'll have to apologise for it on
Monday?"
Youngblood says we're looking for some solid bone healing here - and that'll
take at least three months - maybe six to twelve - before Austin can perform
without restriction. What Youngblood FAILED to say was whether or not Austin
ever told him if he got a good look at the driver of that car that ran him
down...or not.
Wow! A three hour Mary Kay Letourneau EVENT! Maybe if I commit some crimes
they'll make a movie about ME!
Halftime HeAT will once again grace the USA Network on Super Sunday! I
thought I heard somewhere they'd learned their lesson and it WOULD be live
in all timezones this year - hey, you think maybe the USA Network must have
gotten my letter last year?
How come nobody talked about all the pixelation and green rectangling on
THUNDER! last night? And all that because the word "GAY" was on the sign and
they didn't want us to see it! How LAME can you get? Talk about WCW being a
bunch of GLAAD lap dogs...of course, at least they didn't ever air something
like DDP insinuating that Buff was very pretty and all the guys liked him,
immediately followed by Bagwell taking offense and beating up Page...oh, but
that DID happen on THUNDER! too, didn't it? Hmm, I guess this won't be
resolved in THIS paragraph.
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW, out with a smattering pyro and a healthy touch of
booing from the crowd... but not from me! He's dressed in his "catburglar"
getup - black jacket and black wool hat. His mom probably told him to wear
it - "wear your hat or you'll catch a chill!" "Mom, who was my real father?"
Want a Stone Cold Baseball Hat? And why isn't it called a "cap?" For the
answers to these and other great mysteries, send your cable bill to this
address!
Triple H is busted open, we are told - but we don't get to see it - this is
a TV-PG rated show, folks! But don't worry, the PPV will be TV-14! Oh wait,
there's a LITTLE shot of the blood. Oh, he's only bleeding from one of those
mouth capsule things! What a wuss! I hope they do better at the Rumble!
You know, somebody should have had the courage to tell Chuck Norris he
SHOULDN'T be singing his theme song
"The WWF would like to remind you that our superstars are trained athletes,
so none of their moves or stunts should be tried at home by unskilled
individuals - this message is from the WWF." Is it just me or are kids a lot
stupider than when *I* was a kid?
THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Tori) v. X-PAC - it's almost
enough to make you wonder whether or not they'll bring up the holiday Tori
spent with "perfect gentleman" X-Pac. Not yet...although Lawler DOES bring
up Kane's illegal elimination yesterday in the Rumble matchup at the hands
of X-Pac. Whoa Nellie, they brought up the holiday too! All this continuity
will be the death of me!
The Rock will appear on "Star Trek: Voyager" on 9 February! See the eyebrow!
Feel the Rock Bottom! Is NOTHING sacred when they have to defile a "Star
Trek" with WWF superstars?
Our favourite theme music plays - but it's STEPHANIE ONO and not the champ
walking to the ring, microphone in hand. I saw her headlights! I saw her
headlights!
Buh-Buh Ray wailing away with rights and standing on the throat while
screaming "I HOPE YOU DIE!!" Well, that's not nice.
What happens when your favourite WWF Superstars take over network television
for a week? The UPN might call it "Bad Attitude Week," but *I* call it
SWEEPS WEEK!
She ripped all my clothes off, every stitch! And then how you kissed my
lips...(audio replaced - video replaced - wonder what he's saying - clearly
not TV-PG and PTC-friendly - so why have it on SmackDown!?)...and yeah, it
was a wonderful Christmas for us - Santa had a hell of a sleigh ride that
night - (audio replaced - video replaced - slo-mo filler video - commentary
we heard before - bleah) - so I hope you liked my little tale - the X-Pac
and Tori Christmas Story.
There's just so many ways this doesn't make much sense - it's pretty
un-WWF-like, you could say. I guess it doesn't help that they totally
emasculated whatever was said with a TSN-job.
Hey the Rock's gonna be on Star Trek: Voyager 9 February and Jeri Ryan's got
some huge tits
To make this segment even BETTER, out come SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY &
MAE YOUNG to Moolah's music. "Hold up, hold up! We have an announcement -
Mae, you tell 'em." "No." "C'mon, Mae, tell 'em." "You relly want me to tell
'em?" "Yeah!" "I'M PREGNANT!" umm...she's like *79* - trust me, there ain't
NOTHIN' in there. Hey, you know what would make this even better? She can
have a miscarriage later - and it can be D'Lo Brown's fault! I'm starting to
think tonight was a COMPLETE waste of time...oh, sorry, I love *everything*
the WWF does, right? Somebody go tell those guys on the WrestleLine forum
how biased I am again...
I GET LETTERS: From JB: Just wanted you to know that there's another guy
who's sick as hell of singing along with the Rock. It's funny to think, all
these Rocky marks are probably the same people who liked the New Kids on the
Block when they were cool, and then pretend they never did. We'll see who's
laughing when everyone else finally gets sick of the weakest finisher in
wrestling history.
Testify!
Just to entertain me, Jim Ross embellishes every utterance of the word
"Dudley" with "damn" - "those damn Dudleys, that damn D-Von Dudley, these
damn Dudleys, those damn Dudleys" - Jesus, he's just BEGGING to get his ass
kicked.
Have I yet mentioned Show's new "I'm Buff and I'm the Stuff" haircut? Did I
follow it up with "What the HELL was he thinking?" Well, I MEANT to.
Here's her opponent - err, "Hervina" - WALKING! I'm sure we'll find out
that's Stevie Richards in drag later...hopefully not AFTER he wins the
Women's World Title...?
MICHAEL KING COLE is out to talk to the new Champion - after asking where
she's from, a very masculine voice says "I'm from Walston, Mississippi" and
he's quickly outed as - oops, my bad, it's really HARVEY WIPPLEMAN.
Stephanie definitely suffering from "Shane-itis" on the mic. All we need is
a "Booyah!" WCW
Your hosts are the AWESOME 3 and not Scott Hudson - I smell a power play!
Tonight, Bill Busch names a brand new WCW commissioner - because Gosh darn
it, that sneaky NWO has gone way over the line! Lou Thesz and Bruno
Sammartino's names are batted around by Heenan and Tenay. Who're those guys?
The limousine has arrived at the back of the building! I bet nobody gets out
of it for another - oh - twenty minutes!
Tony tells us that at the top of the hour, we'll have that new commissioner.
Didn't see THAT one coming, didja.
We are live from the Marine Midland Arena in Buffalo, NY and Tony wastes no
time noticing that no matter what the sport, Buffalo's got fans who WHINE,
it's WCW Monday Nitro Live! 10.1.99 and only on AMERICA ONLINE NETWORK
TELEVISION
OKLAHOMA is out. GREAT.
"Closed captioning where available sponsored by our new best friends -
America Online!" - Tony "Company Man" Schiavone
Bret Hart is STILL getting dressed? It's been, like, an hour!
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. JIMMY "SUPERFLY" SNUKA in a cage match -
Maybe I should just fast-forward to the big splash off the top of the cage.
Or...you don't think they'd bring him out here to NOT do that move?
PLEASE tell me how, on a TV-14 show, they feel like they have to mute "fruit
booty."
Backstage, the Marmalutes and Disco Inferno....are...WALKING! Vito tells him
he's gonna kick him, he's gonna punch him - I guess it would have been out
of character to request a flying headscissors, top-rope plancha, and tope
con hilo...
"WCW Mayhem: the Music" CD spot - now selling at a brisk pace of about 23
units a week
Package wonders where Liz is, decides he doesn't care, and starts to
celebrate...but the lights go out - some familiar music starts up - a FIGURE
appears at the entryway and points a baseball bat at Package - then the
lights go out and the music stops - then, when they come back up, HE'S GONE!
Of course, he could have just run away in the darkness...naah, he
DEMATERIALISED! YEAH!
Meanwhile, the women massage Nash, who insists that things are all going
according to schedule - "all part of the plan." Who does he sound like
there? "You say those last two months sucked? Hey - all part of the plan!"
Gene O. apologises for the technical problems, and then says "if I didn't
know better, I'd say the WWF might have sabotaged my microphone." What the
HELL?
DAVID FLAIR & CROWBAR & DAFFNEY come out, scare away all the commentators,
and take the headsets. Clearly I'm being punished for something.
Everybody stands, awaiting the run-in - here's JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET
with silver gee-tar. Sid with a right, then breaks the guitar over Nash's
head. Sid goes down as Robinson gets up - Robinson looks at the shattered
guitar in the ring and sees two men down, and doesn't know WHO did WHAT with
WHAT to WHOM. SID IS THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE. Sid fake-crawls over to Nash
and covers - 1, 2, 3!!!! DAVID ARQUETTE WAS UNINVOLVED!!! Sid points to his
head. If Jim Gramze is reading, THAT'S the picture I want - Sid pointing to
his head.
DISCLAIMER: I'm on (get this) JURY DUTY! So, since sleep is suddenly more
important that accuracy in Monday reports to me, I'm gonna have to HALF-ASS
it tonight. That means ONE pass, NO rewinding, NO transcription (well,
unless it's REALLY important - and I can keep up with them)...hell, you
probably won't even notice if I hadn't brought it up!
MAMALUKES (Luke, Mama, I love you) v. BADLANDERS in a return match for the
tag team championship in a Bensonhurst Street Fight - after a brief tussle
outside (OH NO! HE BACKDROPPED HIM INTO A SNOW BANK!)
For an encore, Biggs says that Booker T. can't use the "T." anymore, either,
as it's ALSO property of Harlem Heat - and we don't want no copyright
infringement goin' down. Good God, they're stealing all my jokes!
Another ad for "Shutterspeed" - MAN that Sting can ACT And there you have it: I'll be back in a few weeks with a look at February if this effort is well received by CRZ and everyone else at [slash]...
Richard Craig |
BLAH |
Main |