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Ronnie Cox

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THE UNSUNG HEROES OF WRESTLING

Hi again everybody. It's time once again for me to drag out my soapbox and start bitching about something. This time though I wanted to give a salute to the unsung heroes of pro wrestling. And it's not the refs or the announcers. If you guessed managers and valets then you're wrong again. I'm talking about foreign objects. I love to watch clean matches, but in todays game you almost always see something being used. So I just wanted to take a moment to give them a tip of the hat and say thanks for all of their special kind of mayhem.

I think the first foreign object I saw used was either the loaded mask or the loaded boot. These were devastating back in the day and were feared by all. The loaded mask still kind of sells today. The loaded boot today would get you nothing but some laughs and a lot of garbage thrown at you. The wooden folding chair and the coal miners glove were also very popular at this time. Pacific Northwest Wrestling had some great feuds involving The Assassin (who was the master of the coal miners glove match) and The Grappler (who wielded the deadly loaded boot). For those of you who don't know or just can't remember (it is way old school) what a coal miners glove is, I'll explain. It's a heavy duty leather work glove with a lead plate stitched into the knuckles. Why a lead plate you may ask ? Simple, to knock people out and to take care of those unruly pieces of coal.

A foreign object can be anything and this was proven to me the first time I watched Bruiser Brody and Abdullah the Butcher go at it. Objects used in this match, one gallon metal gas can, baby stroller, camera tripod and a fork. This match ended in a complete bloodbath and I gained a new respect for siverware. The fork is probably the most brutal hidden object you can take to someone. The Sheik and Abdullah are two wrestlers who could use a fork like nobodies business. To see the hidden uses of the fork at their finest, I tell people to watch " I LIKE TO HURT PEOPLE". In this film you get to see how Dusty Rhodes (with a wicked afro) got those pretty scars on his arm. Courtesy of The Sheik and his buddy the fork. I looked for a picture I had to include with this of Abdullah the Butcher before a match taping a fork to his calf. But I lost it. So anyways three cheers for the fork.

If a wrestler or their manager brings an item to the ring with them, then it is not considered a foreign object. It is classified as a identified object. Due to the fact that you know sometime during the match you are gonna get popped by it. Kendo sticks, chains, branding irons, and chairs with your name on it all fall into this category. Garbage (hardcore) matches also fall into this group. I look at them as a tribute to the foreign object. If someone can hide a vaccuum cleaner in their trunks then I may look at these matches differently. But, till then, they just don't qualify. The foreign object is a last ditch effort or just another way to abuse your opponent. It's like Christmas. Look I've got a present for you. For me ? Yep. Oh it's a pair of brass knuckles to the side of the melon. Thank you so very much for knocking me out.

Ladies and gentlemen may I present to you the hardest working non wrestlers in the business today. Let's give a big round of applause for the chairs and tables. Chairs have been used as far back as I can remember. The folding wooden ones of days gone, were great. Not only could you flatten someone with it. You could also use the shattered pieces to dig into their forehead or arm. Great example of the use of a busted chair is the "I quit" match in the steel cage involving Magnum T.A. and Tully Blanchard. Fast forward to today. The chair has even become some wrestlers set up and or finishing moves. Sabu and the Arabian facebuster and the Vandaminator are a couple of fine uses for a chair. After a quick survey with some of my fellow marks we decided by a landslide that Mick Foley should be official spokesman for the chair. In my opinion, nobody in the field has such a close working relationship with our friend the chair as Mick does. The Rock hit him about 13 times in that "I quit" match. After a bit I was even cringing. Ouch. So let us raise our glasses to the chair and say thanks.

Not to be outdone by the chair, our next shout out goes to the table. The table has always been there to get your head bounced off of. But when did we begin to see it really being put to use ? This I don't know. I wish I did. Right now the highest employer of our buddy the table is ECW. I tried to figure out how many tables ECW goes through in a year. Here's my equation. 125 live shows at 3 tables a piece. Plus add 18 more for the 6 PPVs. 393 is the answer that I got. That's quite a few tables. If anyone knows the actual number then you have way too much free time on your hands. Just kidding I'd really like to know. The table has been known to be a unforgiving thing. Due to its bad habit of breaking necks. Not only that, but it also comes wrapped in barb wire, scattered with tacks and set ablaze. I have seen some pretty cool table gimmicks in my time and most of them have come from ECW. I do not leave out a special mention to the greatest talent south of the border, "The Spanish Annoncers Table". I think you will all agree with me on this one.

Well there it is. A quick look at the non people who make wrestling just that much better. When was the last time you popped someone in the head with something ?

Keep it real,
Ronnie Cox
freelance

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission