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Ronnie Cox

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A THUMB IN THE EYE

Last week we left our hero about to be blown up by the evil Dr. Crackhead. Hey, that's not right. Oh here we go. Thanks for dropping by to read my weekly complaints. Make sure you read a couple of things on this site. Thanks again to CRZ. And you, the fellow wrestling fan.

After reading some other peoples thoughts on RAW. I am happy to see that I am not the only one who felt it was kind of flat. Nothing really over the edge. The WWF really needs to be careful here. I am not saying and I repeat not saying that the WCW is gonna bite them in the ass, but they need to keep it moving. The Peoples Tag team is a great angle. But don't rely solely on that.

I am only going to ask this once. Who is the mental giant who came up with the angle to bust up Mr. Ass and HHH ? First you need to get some air. Go to the 20th floor of a building, poke your head out a window,take a deep breath, now put the rest of your body out of the window. There is no way in hell that Mr. Ass had a chance and they expect us to buy it. Cough cough middle carder cough. Since when can Mr. Ass say "suck it" again ? Anyway, the unemployment line should be one person longer. The nail in the coffin for these guys was that "I think that was his finishing move" peformance by Mr. Ass. Somebody light a match in here. I really wish the thumb I could give you was a glow-in-the-dark plastic one that you could use to hitchhike your monkey ass away from Titan Towers. So please accept these instead. Jab, jab, jab.

When Pat Patterson came out and tore off his shirt I was so happy that I wasn't eating. Just think, the critics say that they violence will hurt kids, but yet they let crusty old man run around and scar the kids for life. Wow I just explained the Hulk Hogan theory. I don't mind the Stooges. But don't let them run around half nekkid. So here ya go Pat, one old school poke in the eye. Don't worry, it's covered by your insurance.

Will someone please find someone for Al Snow to have a feud with and if you pick The Big Bossman again please deduct 10 points from your score. Let me get this right, he ate his dog, he came out as Avatar, and he busted out the super crazy gimmick. It is a shame to see this. Al Snow puts on a good show but he needs a new angle. How many times do we have to watch this. He did a great piece of microphone work. The jury will take that into consideration, when they make their decision. One chairshot and one thumb in the eye. Next case.

If you see this product on the shelf in your local supermarket. Please make sure to mock it. It's called Sexual Ex-lax and it's brought to you by Mark Henry. The guy could never be played off like The Godfather. This guy is one of the reasons why the European belt doesn't really mean squat. He was handed the belt and has done nothing but stunk up the ring. Am I the only one who noticed that D-Lo Brown carried his twelve sandwich eatin ass around. It is a great angle with D-Lo, but come on, does he really need the belt. So if you see Mark Henry approaching, please hide the kids. He will eat he slow moving ones. So I will give him a poke in the eye with a ten foot pole. I will not run the risk of losing a thumb.

The female hardcore match was pretty funny. And usually you have to pay $49.95 to see stuff like that.(if you read wrestling magazines, you'll know what I'm talking about) Thank all of the higher powers that Nicole Bass is gone. Ewwww.

I'm just gonna step out for a second and make a sandwich real quick. O.K. WHO LET D.J. RAN UP IN MY AREA !!!!!! That's not funny guys. Crap, he brought that Rikki Rachtman guy with him. I think I'm going to bed now. As you can tell we are now stepping into the WCW. Please brace for impact and remember your seat cushions can be used as a flotation device in case of a water landing.

Hey, who isn't doing anything right now. Hey Horowitz, wanna be on Nitro ? This is not directed at Barry Horowitz. I give him some props for getting his ass kicked on Nitro. It's a big move for him. I really thought the days of the jobber matches were limited to Saturdays now ? And you really want to win the ratings back don't you ? Check it out Bob, Walker Texas Ranger ratings are going through the roof. That is WCWs' competition for that slot, and I bet it gets higher ratings. Pathetic. Shoot yourself in the foot a few more times. Then listen to Rap Is Crap backwards. It says to poke yourself in the eye over and over again.

We are willing to give someone a million dollars if they can tolerate watching Nitro. Hey CRZ, you've got a pretty high tolerance for mumbling interviews and lousy angles. Maybe there is a reward for having to watch it. I'm thinking that with the way their ratings are now, this one I might actually have a chance. How much of a ratings boost will they get ? But, what is the price you put on your own pain and suffering ?

Will somene please notify Vincient his career is over now. He has become a joke. If I would have told you three years ago that he was gonna be a member of some group that called themselves Rednacks, you would have told me to put down the crack pipe. Has he been involved with just about every group in WCW ? I thought it was a comedy skit at first. I guess in a way it kind of is. It is a very painful joke. I will defend myself by saying that this is a mercy poke in the eye.

If you go to a Nitro event you will not be allowed to stand in front of the camera unless you are shamelessly plugging one of the sponsors. If you look closely at the Surge shirt that kid is wearing it still has the new t-shirt creases in it. Please buy our products or the kid gets it. I don't mind the casual placement of products you guys are trying to peddle. But I think it would be better if Bobby and Tony were drinking that crap as if their lives depended on it. I think their lives may depend on it.

Somebody call my momma, Nitro actually had something funny on it. The Cat Bo video tape ad was great. They must have gotten that idea from the internet. Cause we all know the only thing funny about WCW is the matches.

Sorry Sid but it appears that you are not the lucky winner of the brutal chair beatings this week. You almost had it when you busted up one of the greatest matches we could have ever seen on Nitro. You know the one, Benoit and Malenko. Did anyone else see this coming ? Remember the key to running a floundering wrestling promotion is to always ruin anything the fans want to see. So instead of a thumb for Sid, I hope he has a zipper accident in the little jobbers room. You suck, quit ruining the good matches.

Wow, who could have dethroned Sid this week. I'll give you a hint, he has so many steroids in him that he should have a saddle on his back. The Total Package of flaming dog crap is this weeks winner. He's been busted up for a while and instead of putting him in a minor angle and building him back up, they decide to have him get involved in a major angle. I've been your friend for thirteen years, whine whine,blah, blah. Luger has completely fallen out of the loop and it shows. I think he was the white Hummer driver, wait a minute, he drives a 72 Pinto. So much for that theory. Anyway, the Hogan Sting angle is bad enough without the help of Luger. Whoever used the toilet last, you needed to flush twice. Insert chair beating here.

So that's it for me. There were a lot of good things on wrestling this week. ECW, The Peoples Tagteam, those happy guys known as The Dudleys, and GTV just to name a few. Can't wait for Smackdown. Thanks again for reading this, and remember if something doesn't seem right in wrestling, I'll hunt it down and give it the most electrifying move in internet wrestling columns. The Peoples Thumb In The Eye.

Keep it real,
Ronnie Cox
[slash] wrestling

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission