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James Cobo
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BLAH

 MY AREA

1. Intro (duction)

All right, so I'll lose my newly-minted full Puro Geek license, but it's gotta be said:

"Finally, Digable James Cobo HAS COME BACK TO "MY AREA"!"

And I can't say anything has ever felt better.

So, to answer your first question, I've had one hellacious July. Between being a brokeass (NO JOB FOR ME!) and having everything around my house break (my modem, the family computer, the dishwasher, the family TV, the dog [no, really - she's got a SERIOUS "Bart's Dog Minus the Cart" vibe], AND one of my tires), I haven't had the energy or ability to get a My Area going. However, because YOU CARE DEEPLY, I do have a few different side projects going - I'm doing an exclusive column for Wrestlefans 2K (to be found at http://wrestlefans2000.8k.com/index2.html), and I'm doing reviews for the Tape Review Club to be found at www.burninghammer.com. Of course, everything I write is archived on the World-Renowned Land of Digabilitah, so you can skip all the non-me parts should you feel like it (but don't).

And you don't care. Less talk, more snark!


2. OH MY GOD I GET LETTERS

Josh Haggard, auteur of Das Monkey Funkin' Burning Hammer (or something J ) writes:

My reaction was pretty much the same as your's, when I saw that Misawa had been ousted, except, instead of "Wow!", I said, "Holy shit! Are you serious?" I enjoy talking to my computer. See, I just called it a rat bastard for not letting me use the tab key.

Anyway, a formation of some AJPW/Toryumon/Michinoku Pro/BattlArts league would OWN. I could imagine a mixture of styles in Akiyama vs. Magnum Tokyo, and I think it would work REAL well. I hope Misawa doesn't go crazy with power and just have a couple of AJPW guys under his booking, as his booking skills are slightly less adequate than most would like...*coughHESUCKSASABOOKERcough*. Bastard can work a damn good match, though.

Overall, I think it would be a supremely nifty idea, and a real good business plan as well. My only hope now is that Toshiaki Kawada and Jun Akiyama get their heads straight and head over with Misawa. Actually, I take that back; AJPW needs a couple of very established good workers. I think Misawa could still do good with himself, Kobashi, Taue, and probably some others. What do you think?

I agree with you in theory; of course, because I've heard that he's the Surly Bastard's Surly Bastard, I'd just like to see Kawada jump. And last I heard, Akiyama WAS going to NOAH (Misawa's group, which, because I suggested it might happen, includes none of those groups). Big Josh later sent me another (few) emails, one of which had this little gem in it:

One thing I'd like to see is Kawada going to New Japan and giving Ohtani a Jumping High Kick JUST to see the facial expression Ohtani gives us.

The following is a direct copy of my response, which got saved through the power of Magic and Faerie Dust:

> (As an aside, thanks a whole bunch for making me snorf Cream of
> Mushroom soup all over my room.)

Cream of Mushroom soup? You're not human!

> I honestly think the only better sell job would be from Paul Wight, just
> because HE'S SUCH A TERRIBLE SELLER. I can just see him now, with
> Kawada kicking him smack in the face and Wight selling it "Ow-You
> Kicked-Me-Right-In-The-Toe" style. Or if we're lucky, we might get his
> Thanatopsis-esque mortal agony wailing face.

BWAHAHA! I'd like to see that. Kawada would probably go crazy and attempt to Jumping High Kick himself until he lost more teeth (selling it like a pro, by the way), because, as I like to say, "Kawada is one crazy son of a bitch." Anyone who will wrestle with a broken arm and drop his booker on his head with a Ganso Bomb can't POSSIBLY or CONCEIVABLY be thought of as sane. To quote Justin Lee, "Kawada's career won't be complete until he destroys his entire body in a wrestling match."

In the words of an awesome commercial: "True, true".

In other news, I got BEAUCOUP email from Shadowlongknife, Knight of Digabilitah (my replies in parentheses):

<*resigned sigh*> Oh Vince, you SOLID BRONZE DUMBASS, why do you ever open your mouth?

I do believe you have answered the question yourself...because he's dumber than a mud fance, or a soup sammich

(ED: I have nothing to add that could amplify this true statement)

>>Just to prove that I can still talk about things that don't involve Japan in any way, I'd like to offer a few quick impressions I got from reading recaps of the GAB (because I'd almost rather nail my penis to a bridge and jump than watch a WCW PPV):

Dude...watching WCW on Pay-Per-View is much like masturbating with a cheese grater, mildly amusing when HIGHLY drunk on Sterno, but you'll regret it in the morning.

(ED: That's a feeling I know all too well - not the WCW one, the other one.)

>>1 As for WM, well, let's just say that hope springs eternal, and I STILL like the 2-fall match OODLES, not to mention that AWESOMEBEYONDALLFUCKINGPUNYWORDS ladder match (RR was STILL better, however). I do wish Mick had stayed gone, however - that elbow makes me cringe.

Allow me a moment of clarification. To wit:

Wrestlemania largely rocked. However, as number one san Foley-mark locally, I nearly kicked the back rocker-panel off my car after that HIDEOUS FESTERING WOUND they called a main event.

I don't blame Mick. I blame Vince, for dry-stroking Mick's fans by bringing him back, when the ONLY SENSIBLE BOOKING was to let him go out on top.

THAT, AND THAT ALONE, nearly ruined the whole damned thing for me. As a matter of fact, I haven't watched the PPV since that first broadcast, and it's sitting not 20 feet from me right now. That tell you anything?

but hey, just my opinion...I could be wrong...

>>And finally, sorry, dude, but HHH could not only carry a broomstick to a *** PPV match, he could probably even carry BOTH Vince Russo and Eric Bischoff to at least a ** match. Of course, the WWF's doing everything they can to make him look bad by sticking both Kane and Taker in a match with him, so we shall soon see how far his mojo takes him.

You know...I'm getting TIRED of Hunter being compared to Ric Flair and the Legendary Shawn Michaels. Hunter's good, yeah, but he's on a SUPERHOT groove right now, that's all...I have YET to see him carry Paul Wight to a decent match personally...and I HIGHLY doubt he can drag a 3-star banger out of the American DeadAss.

(ED: Again, when you're right, there's no need to call it anything else. I guess if we're lucky, American Suckass will die or immolate or something before he can stink up Hunter's stellar year any further than KotR. )

Whew. Two fans, but they write a lot. And thankyouverymuch. Letters, hate, and so on should be addressed to trdn89@hotmail.com.

But who am I to question why? LESS TALK MORE ROCK!


3. All The Difference

Sherman, set the wayback machine for October of One Thousand Nine Hundred and Ninety Seven Anno Domini. The place? The Kiel Center (or wherever the fuck it is), which that night hosted the WWF event Badd Blood.

You see, that night will be memorable as the night that changed world history.

The event itself was, with the exception of one match which we'll discuss at GREAT lengths in a second, a shitty affair. The night itself had been painted black by the death of Brian Pillman, which not only denied us the continued presence of one of the sport's more underrated talents, but also more selfishly denied us of a certain-to-entertain Pillman/Dude Love (~!~!~!~!) match that night. As a result of Pillman's death (or perhaps even in spite of it), the matches pretty much unanimously sucked a big ol' cock. Having viewed the entire PPV on at least 3 different occasions JUST TO MAKE SURE, up until the last match, the best match was a GOD DAMNED MINIS MATCH. By my count, there was a string of four matches in a row towards the end where the TOTAL RATING was * - and that was all in one match. It was a night of bad pairings, as the typical sure-to-entertain Owen Hart had to cope not only with the loss of one of his best friends, but also with Faarooq's general suckiness (this was back when he was UNINTENTIONALLY stiff, if you will remember); it was a night of the Nation, back when Rocky and D'Lo weren't quite as thoroughly competant as they are today, matching up with the Legion of Bad Wrestling, Sorry, I Meant Doom.

But all wasn't lost, because there was that final. Oh my, yes; the final.

Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels. Hell in a Cell 1.

Now I'm not the BIGGEST fan of this match; while it may be a ***** affair on any day of the week, it just didn't sit well with me. It's like that Beach Boys album "Pet Sounds" - a classic by anyone's estimation, but not something that never leaves my CD player.

It was, however, the most second-most important match in the WWF since the days of Austin 3:16 (the first, of course, being Bret/Shawn in Montreal).

Ignore the consequences of the match being a near-unanimous Match of the Year (although I stand by the Canadian Stampede matches, personally). What we have here is a match that, in my eyes, changed the world. WE SHALL OBSERVE THE FACTORS INVOLVED:

  • Bret wasn't going to stick around.
  • Austin just took the Owendriver.
  • The Undertaker was in danger of losing his credibility, thanks to feuding with such bright shiny stars like Ahmed "The Living Injury" Johnson and The Man They Called Vader Before They Called Him Big Piece of Shit.
  • There was no Kane.
  • For some reason, Mankind/Dude Love hadn't been introduced to the main event scene yet.
  • Viscera wasn't involved, but remember - he sucks, and I hate him.
"So what?" you say. "Those problems were still around after the match; I mean, yeah, it was a good match, but it didn't heal Stone Cold's neck or re-sign Bret or anything. I'm gonna throw rocks at your cat for wasting my valuable time."

Do that and I'll kick your ass. Plus I won't tell you how it fixed everything. And fix it did:

  • BRET: It set up the Montreal Showdown, which both established Shawn as a jerk, created the Mr. McMahon character, and re-introduced the world to reality-based angles (which, considering that the impetus for it came on the night of Brian Pillman's death, is kinda ironic). As a result, the WWF became one of the most powerful and successful businesses of the nineties outside of Starbucks, IPOs, and my tape sales.

  • AUSTIN: Well, his neck was still about four to five shades of FUCKED UP, so he wasn't going to be main-eventing ANYTHING for a while. However, since the group that had been tormenting him had left the building, and since he'd been teetering on the edge of main - eventing for so long, he had no choice but to win the title at Wrestlemania 14, which would be the biggest buyrate (at that point) in the history of non-boxing PPVs, thus making the WWF one of the most important and profitable organizations on earth.

  • UNDERTAKER: Well, seeing as how this was his last good non-clusterfuck match (and it DEFINED the words "Shawn Carried Him", BTW), it proved that he still had it in him for one last run at the top before hanging it up sometime in '98; it reintroduced him as one of the elites of the WWF; and most importantly, it gave him an angle to work with (being Kane - next!). Unfortunately, he didn't take ALL of the hints, so we've got to deal with American Suckass today.

  • KANE: Introduced him as a credible main-event monster. Gave 'Taker something to do. Became a major star in spite of the WWF's better efforts. Next.

  • MICK FOLEY: I'd have to say that this is the most important match in Mick Foley's career of which he wasn't a part. See, not only did it get him a LOT closer to the top (since Mankind held a bounty of victories over the Undertaker, not to mention that allegedly rock-ass Mind Games brawl with Shawn the year before, he got that much more credibility), but it introduced his style of wrestling to the top: the style of WICKED brawling and hellacious bumps. Without Shawn dangling off the cage, there would have been no Hell in a Cell II worth mentioning, and probably no Cactus Jack/HHH wars at the beginning of this year. I mean, this match literally set the stage for HitC II, and it's not unfair to say that in the WWF, that's the match that made Mick Foley.

  • Viscera still sucked, and continues to suck.

    To recap, this one match is indirectly responsible for everything we have in the WWF today.

    So why should we care? I mean, I went to school, and The History Class, and picked up in a matter of seconds that NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT HISTORY. Of course, this isn't school - it's INTERESTING, so you may have a stake in it.

    That stake, by the way, is WCW.

    See, the lesson learned from this one spectacular match is that really, it can happen any time. Buildup is an excellent investment - after all, if the fans didn't care about 'Taker or Shawn, then there wouldn't have been any reason to have the match at all. But the fact remains that from this one match came everything that would eventually lead to the WWF's return and, eventually, dominance.

    And don't think for a second that WCW isn't praying for one of those.

    Personally, I'm pretty sure we're on the verge of one. I mean, Lance Storm has been TEARING IT UP - I even confess to watching bits o' WCW when he's on. All he needs is a hero foil who's got talent, like an un-lazy Billy Kidman or someone, and there's a match of the year candidate waiting to happen. More importantly, there's a strong possibility that seeds of the future would be sown. And THAT is the important thing.

    And to be totally honest, we're at such a late stage in the game that I don't know if there's going to be a different way out. WCW's REALLY painted itself into a corner, because while new ways of life may be exciting now, they aren't so exciting when you realize that they'll be gone in two months. Basically, WCW's at a point where they really have to put up and dig in, sticking to what they have now. And right now they really don't have a lot, thanks to mongoloid talent releases, stupid booking decisions, looming Hoganage, and tepid stories. Basically, as WCW stands right now, they're going to need one HELL of a match to kick their asses back in line.

    WCW's been trying to do that lately, ESPECIALLY with Booker T winning the World Title, but they haven't gotten the fans to care yet. And they need to keep in mind two other things: One, they can't ride JUST on the horse of the feud they started (i.e. JUST Kidman/Storm) - there has to be more. And two, they HAVE TO GIVE IT TIME TO SIMMER. Vince McMahon didn't come out the night after Survivor Series as Mr. McMahon, and Stone Cold wasn't immediately gunning for the world belt. Things take time. But every so often, all the stars come together in a line, and everything falls into place. On those nights, like that crappy-till-the-end night in St. Louis, if you look at things after they've happened, you may realize that you're seeing the world change.


    IV. Things, Stuff, and Misc

  • Fuck the Undertaker. No, really, FUCK THE UNDERTAKER. Like Scott Keith said - now is NOT the time when you should be putting yourself over the young talent like, oh, I don't know, KURT ANGLE. Why, OWHY, would this happen? Angle needed a win to stay near the top of the card, and it's not like people are gonna abandon him just 'cause he lost to a rookie. So now, hear me when I say it: FUCK YOU, UNDERTAKER.

  • I remember back in 9th grade, when me and my friends (names changed to protect the guilty) would just make up the weirdest inventions for no reason whatsoever, and then confine them to the realm of intellectual waste. One of our ideas was this game, which involved one of my friend's dad who back then was in the process of trying to be "cool" by talking like a teenager (yet failing comically, as is par for the course). So we decided that it would be a good idea to make this board game where you'd roll dice to move around the board, intermittantly being required to press this giant red button in the middle of the board (think "Taboo"). Prior to this, of course, my friend and I would invent this belt contraption that, worn properly, would feature a big steel-toed boot positioned just around crotch level attached to a mechanical arm. We would convince him to wear it by telling him that the belt was "def", and that wearing it would give him the appearance of being "def". In reality (as if you couldn't tell), the belt was designed so that, when the big red button on the game was pressed, the boot would swing violently into the guy's groin, causing him a probable great amount of pain and consternation. (We also had plans for a travel game, which would simply be the button without the board.) Eventually, we decided that this game would have such far-reaching appeal that millions worldwide would be playing 'round the clock, resulting in profit and enjoyment for us'ns.

    Got it? Good.

    Hey, Vince Russo - wear this belt. It's "def".

    (I mean, GOLDBERG BEATS UP STING? Way to earn back viewer's trust. Gimme back Johnny Ace.)

  • Any bets on whether or not the Hardy Boyz will actually get a decent championship run this time? Howabout that they actually contend for it? I mean, they deserve it more than any other team right now; essentially, they're Edge & Christian as of February - bad on the mic, GREAT in the ring. Ah well; if it means another Hardyz/Dudz tablez match, so be it.

  • Lita's really hot.

  • For all you Big Beat Boutique fans out there, you owe it to yourself to pick up Astralwerks' Essential Selection Vol. One, a two disc set that has full hour-and-fifteen-minute mixes by both Fatboy Slim and Paul Oakenfold. If you've heard Fatboy's "Live on the Floor" album, I have it too, and I honestly like this one better. If you can find it, I seriously think you need it. Of course, I call Fatboy Slim one of the five best things (musically) about the Nineties, along with the Slackers, Weezer, The Ataris, and Ben Folds Five, but hey hey and the hey now.

  • I could have sworn I started the whole "I'm just sayin' is all" craze; I mean, I don't REMEMBER copying it from anyone. If that's true, then WOOHOO! I = FAMOUS! EAT MY DUST, PUBLIC EDUCATION! BRING ON THE WHORES AND COKE!

    I'm just sayin' is all.

  • SHILL ALERT: Don't forget - I sell/trade tapes at my website, and you wanna go there.

  • Yeah.


    IV. OBLIGATORY CLOSING

    Comments? Questions? Need someone to ridicule all of your beliefs? Write to me at trdn89@hotmail.com and let me know. I'll be more than happy to reply. And anyone who writes gets (wait for it...) ALL UP IN MY AREA! HA! HA! HA-oh.

    And don't forget to take a trip to the Land of Digability! It LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

    Digably Yours,
    Digable James Cobo
    Staunch Defender Of Canadian Stampede, Lord Protectorate of Art Barrdom, and Lifetime WCW Basher

    Mail the Author
    Visit the Land of Digability

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    Design copyright (C) 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
    Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission