I. Intro (duction)

Well, it's 3:30 in the AM, my mom comes home today from her extended vacation while leaving me HOME ALONE~!, so all you high school kids out there know what today means - CLEAN THE HOUSE. However, I took a break earlier on to check and see what was going on in the world of Our Fake Sport, and I stumbled upon something mammoth. I've been thinking about it for about four hours now, and I just can't seem to stop - it's FRIGGIN' HUGE. So huge, in fact, that I feel the urge to write a spontaneous column about it - a desire heightened by the fact that recently at work, I got stuck in the satellite concession booth, which is about the least busy place in all the land, and got to thinking of a column. Time being what it was, combined with the fact that I just got one of The Greatest DVDs In The History Of Our Great Sport, better known to you as Fight Club, and had to watch the David Fincher commentary or die trying (and let me be the first to say hoo-ray for long-ass sentences. Hooray.), I never got around to writing it. Don't worry, Digable-heads; I've got the day off tomorrow, and aside from taping roughly six hours of Fine WWF Programming (I've developed this habit of driving to EVERY SINGLE video store around trying to find what they've got; so far my prize catches are (The) Summerslam '95 and the Coliseum vid "The Hart Foundation" that has this REALLY FRIGGIN' GOOD Hart/STEAMBOAT~! match. However, I'm off topic at this point; ahem.), I've got nothing but time on my hands. So beware - I may just hit STEAMBOAT~!-like workrate in the next few days - you have been warmed (pun)!

Yes, that's right - occasionally people see fit to drop the Digable One a line! In this case, of course, "people" means "two guys", but hey - that's TWO MORE THAN LAST ISSUE, BABY! Check this shit out -

Shadowlongknife, hereafter referred to as Knight of the First Order of Digability on account of his repeat offenses in the "writing to me" category, writes:

MAAAAAAAAAAD props on the WCW front, brother man...unfortunately, my fair-weather-fan roommates all have WCW 4 LYFE tattoed on their foreheads these days it seems. Can't blame 'em to a point, TOO MUCH MC-friggin'-MAHON, and not enough Jericho are making them kinda pissed.

not to mention the giant shafting taken by Mick (my middle name is put-other-people-over) Foley. Love the guy, but DAMN, Mickey, you shoulda stopped being so damn selfless, your fans nearly left the WWF en masse after WrestleSUCKia.

And, am I the only one DAWG-tired of HH and H being compared to Ric Flair?

peace

Well, what do I say to that? I can't pity you enough - I think I'd rather have roomates who yank it to dog porn in front of my mom than ones who watch WCW over the WWF. Of course, NONE of my future roomates watch wrestling at all - sounds like a challenge for the Digable One to me!

1 As for WM, well, let's just say that hope springs eternal, and I STILL like the 2-fall match OODLES, not to mention that AWESOMEBEYONDALLFUCKINGPUNYWORDS ladder match (RR was STILL better, however). I do wish Mick had stayed gone, however - that elbow makes me cringe.

And finally, sorry, dude, but HHH could not only carry a broomstick to a *** PPV match, he could probably even carry BOTH Vince Russo and Eric Bischoff to at least a ** match. Of course, the WWF's doing everything they can to make him look bad by sticking both Kane and Taker in a match with him, so we shall soon see how far his mojo takes him.

The other Feedback Chunk came from Shaddax, who mentions:

Nice Slash column. I'm with you all the way. For what it's worth, I've seen every WCW PPV this year, and the fed's had a grand total of two good matches all year. Two. All year. I think we can both rest our case. I also, as a New Yorker, take no responsibility for Russo. We hate him up here too, and he's giving us a bad name. By the way, here's a couple more Russo quotes in line with what you were saying:

Russo says aside from Bob's site, the WCW site, and even the WWF site, he doesn't read too much on the net anymore because it's all so negative.
-recent WCWLive chat

"The internet is the future. If you're not paying attention to the internet you're not in touch with your fans. That's what got the WCW in trouble. People were telling them, 'Hey this stuff sucks' and nobody listened."
-Vince Russo, October 1999 WrestleLine interview

<*resigned sigh*> Oh Vince, you SOLID BRONZE DUMBASS, why do you ever open your mouth? For what it's worth, however, my favorite Russo quote is still the old "I'm not going to put myself on TV" one - it's pretty amazing that he's said/done SO MUCH STUPID SHIT in recent months that that one hasn't even made the rounds recently.

And because I know that you REALLY EVENTUALLY MAYBE WANNA GET TO IT, here's my Inevitable Column About Puro. Oh, don'tcha worry - I'll make sure to bash WCW a few times in there, just to make you happy. Now LET THERE BE COLUMN!

I don't talk to my computer very much, but that's what I said at about 1:00 AM on June 13th. I had just read a little news item on Wrestleline - it wasn't even at the TOP OF THE PAGE, for god's sakes - that I thought couldn't be real. And then, as I was reading it, I kinda let that one word slip out of my mouth. But then I read this:

"All Japan President Mitsuharu Misawa on Monday afternoon made a shocking announcement to company officials, when he told them that he resigned from his post in All Japan Pro Wrestling as the company's president, making way for a split between the second largest wrestling company in Japan, and pro-wrestling fourth largest wrestling company in the world in terms of finances. "

How ironic - the day after the surprise that even Vince himself couldn't stop and would change the face of wrestling forever comes the REAL biggie.

See, while this is MAMMOTHLY HUGE news, the REAL news comes when you consider the possibilities that arise as a result. One, in particular, is REALLY exciting. And it's been mentioned by One Of Yours And My Gods, Dean Rasmussen:

"I'm guessing that BattlARTS gets dismantled and Michinoku Pro get sucked into whatever Misawa starts up."

Hm? Funny - I could have SWORN I heard you say you neither cared nor wanted to care. But you're smart enough to know better. I guess it's just another case of not really knowing about Japanese wrestling. (Hell, I don't know too much about Japanese wrestling, and I have footage to prove it.) So we're going to take a quick detour to introduce these major players.

• Mitsuharu Misawa. Former president of All Japan (AJ), as well as head booker. Regarded by many as the greatest living wrestler in all the world. Had, according to many, the greatest singles men's match of all time on 6/3/94 against Toshiaki Kawada. Wears green tights, leading to his DVDVR nickname of Green Poochie (and if you don't get CRZ jokes GET THE HELL OUTTA MAH OFFICE!). Good friends with AJ stars Kenta Kobashi and Jun Akiyama (not that you particularly care - they're popular in Japan, that's aboot it) In short, one of the most influential guys in wrestling today. Digable James Cobo has seen none of his matches because he is a (say it with me) Poor College Student, but he's heard that they rock big ass.

• All Japan Pro Wrestling. Noted for its technical style and predilection for "headdropping" (defined as "the art or act of dropping someone directly on their head"), All Japan has produced more ***** matches in the last decade than any other promotion on earth, if you ask anyone who's informed. A split in the organization formed between Giant Baba's widow (in real life) and Misawa. Called "boring" by Scott Keith. Digable James Cobo has, again, seen no AJ matches, but he's trying - really.

• BattlARTS. A half-pro-graps/half-shoot Japanese fed. Has gained IMMENSE popularity amongst the Interneterati as being "really, really good". Stars include the young Alexander Otsuka, Minoru Tanaka, and Daisuke Ikeda. The very sight of these three causes many posters on the DVDVR message board to capitulate to the throes of orgasm. BattlARTS is one of Digable James Cobo has, one more time, seen none of their matches, but he hangs out on the DVDVRMB a lot, so he recognizes their greatness like the UN recognizes a speaking delegate. And he's trying to get the B-Files - really!

• Michinoku Pro. A fed, founded by The Great Sasuke, that has built its reputation on CONSANE highspots and STUPID COOL moves, MPro has become one of the most influential feds in all of Japan. They may be the most marketable fed in America due to (a) their general aerial disregard for their own health and well being as well as (b) the presence of WWF "star" TAKA Michinoku (hey, people know who he is). Other prominant stars of MPro include Tiger Mask IV, Jinsei Shinzaki (better known to WWF fans as Hakushi), and Gran Naniwa. In recent times, the promotion has fallen into semi-hard times (I think - while I HAVE seen some MPro, I'm not as up to date as I should be), especially with the rise of...

• Toryumon. A fed started by Ultimo Dragon (best known to long-time WCW fans as, um, Ultimo Dragon), Toryumon has gained a reputation for doing those few highspots that MPro's too scared to do. Example? Try a 450 spin turned into a hurricanrana - it takes that kind of aerial consanity to get noticed in Toryumon. They're a relatively new group, too - they've only been around for a few years. Major stars include Shiima Nobunaga, Judo Suwa, Dragon Kid, and most importantly, the one sure new thing in Japan right now - Magnum Tokyo. Digable James Cobo has seen a little Toryumon, but not NEARLY enough to sate him.

I'd have to say that the most surprising thing in all of this is how not totally unrealistic it is. It's widely known Misawa is pretty much the equivalent of HHH in the ring and Kevin Nash on the book, so somebody else would step up to take over that job. And it goes without saying that they'd have something to offer everyone - headdropping for the DVDVRCru, WILD junior action for the DJCs amongst us, shootstyle for the, um, shootstyle fans amongst us - it really would be like the WWF. Except for it would be new and fresh, and probably better as a result.

THAT is why you should care a LOT about this. We've all seen what happens when a non-big-two fed makes waves in the industry - the Big 2 copy as much as they can. Want examples? One of the most important adaptations has been WCW copying New Japan's "big established stars at the top, everyone else just kinda survives" approach when they went with the NWO, leading to four years of pretty much the same seven guys main eventing every PPV. It's pretty obvious how the WWF copied ECW's hardcore style yielding HUGE dividends for 'em. And both major feds copied (or, in the WWF's case, tried to copy) the Japanese Junior style of high flying combined with mat wrestling. So it's not an unprecedented phenomenon for an American fed to assimilate something else that's popular. And I'd bet dollars to relatives that this new "super-fed" would be mammoth-popular.

So I guess the question really becomes "what would they copy"? Well, for starters, it would seem logical to me that this new fed would be pretty regimented as far as the divisions goes - i.e., Magnum Tokyo probably wouldn't ever contend for the heavyweight crown, leading to a butt-load of legendary junior matches, while Misawa wouldn't be exactly running for the lightweight ranks. Over here, that might mean an end to matches like this recent rush of Benoit/Hardy matches (*SOB* - I missed both Smackdown and RAW, so if anyone wants to sell me a copy, PLEASE LET ME KNOW) - in short, a shift from the "card" demarcations towards stature lines. This, of course, would be an offshoot of Rick Scaia's "Fighting Spirit", where the object is simply to see who can stand more punishment. It's also pretty obvious that if lots of people pop for headdropping, the WWF will adopt it MEGA QUICK. Of course, along with this, there'd have to be some talent defections - I'm sure that not everyone in the WWF would be kosher with being dropped smack dab on their heads (there's other guys in the fed other than Jeff Hardy, y'know). These defections could swing the balance in favor of ECDub, XPDub, or even (naaaah...) WCDub. Hell, it could even lead to a near-total abandonment of Rock 'N Sports Entertainment once and for all, which could help speed the ascension of the Dubs.

I'm just sayin' is all.

• UnderBiker still REALLY sucks.

• No, really - if you have copies of the last two episodes of RAW and/or Smackdown that you want to get rid of, PLEASE let me know - ME WANT MUCH BAD.

• Just to prove that I can still talk about things that don't involve Japan in any way, I'd like to offer a few quick impressions I got from reading recaps of the GAB (because I'd almost rather nail my penis to a bridge and jump than watch a WCW PPV):
  
  1. Goldberg's heel turn isn't a bad idea (I guess...maybe...) - it's more disappointing than anything else. I mean, Russo already tried to do the whole Stone Cold thing with Hogan, and got blasted to hell and back for it (and rightfully so). All this Goldberg thing proves to me is that he really doesn't pay attention to anything. I'd also like to say that while I didn't pick the turn as That Big Surprise, I'm still pretty underwhelmed by it. The way they talked about it on the Net, it seems like the only proper reaction should have been to hurl flotsam/jetsam at my TV. Instead, I was kinda interested as I read the Q'n'D, but then filed it away for later usage.

  2. While I do think it's pretty hypocritical to call Sting a pussy for not setting himself on fire (I know for a FACT that I'd NEVER EVER EVER do it), I do think it was a pretty bad decision from WCW's standpoint. It doesn't make Sting's character any stronger, or lend the company any credibility, to have an obvious stuntman perform a pretty useless bump. Of course, this is WCW we're talking about here - they're STILL looking for that first shred of credibility

  3. All in all, I really can't see fit to give this show a "thumbs in the middle". Of course, this is just me talking, but considering that I wasn't interested in the stories beforehand, and if anything, I'm less interested now, it seems like a big ol' waste of rods and cones. There wasn't any truly compelling in-ring action for me to wrap my hands around (hell, a CRUISERWEIGHT MATCH SUCKED!), nothing really made any sense or set up anything that I want to see (ooo...Hulk Hogan's back in the title hunt again! Excuse me while I go SUCKERPUNCH MYSELF IN THE CHOAD.), and even the big surprise (as previously detailed) failed to deliver. I say FAILURE with big red crayon letters.

  4. The following people did not participate in the PPV: Shane Helms, Shannon Moore, any of the Yung Dragons, Psichosis, or Juventud Guerrera. Of course, I haven't seen any of them in a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time, so maybe they're packing their posessions for a move north? HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL~!

  
  
• That's about it.

Comments? Questions? Need someone to ridicule all of your beliefs? Write to me at trdn89@hotmail.com and let me know. I'll be more than happy to reply. And anyone who writes gets (wait for it...) ALL UP IN MY AREA! HA! HA! HA-oh.

And don't forget to take a trip to the Land of Digability! It LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...