I. Intro

Well, it's seven o'clock in the AM, I can't sleep, and I've got work (DEATH TO WORK) in four hours. SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT DAY TO BITCH ABOUT PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! Seriously, though, my dumbass friends denied me from the sweet, sweet release of sleep - and I needed it BAD after the day I had, what with the ROYAL SHAFTING Carmike Cinemas gave me with my paycheck (thanks assholes! now how am I supposed to buy C4 with which to blow thee up?), the general foot pain that usually accompanies cuts on the soles of one's feet, and the general ire-raising incited by the COCK-GOBBLING ASSHOLE who decided to take a hammer to the rear corner window of my car (thanks again dickhead! And one of my foot cuts came from stepping on the "safety glass" from that window you broke!). So I'm REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY irate today, and you know what that means - INCREDIBLY ANGRY DJC! A RETURN TO INNOCENCE! And I'm so fed up that I'm not even in much a mood to write in long paragraphs! The icing on the cake, of course, is the fact that I'm so angry to even try to be funny, but hell - you write your jokes at Buttass O'Clock in the morning. So, without further Bob McAdoo, LET FLY THE VITRIOL!

I will never watch WCW's product again.

Not now, not ever. I watched my last broadcast on April 10th, and recorded it for posterity. But I refuse to subject my all-too-precious rods and cones to that insulting "programming".

I would rather watch my friends eat a footlong cheesesteak sub when I'm STARVED than watch WCW.

And I can't say that they didn't bring it on themselves.

I wanted them to do well. I remember turning to my friend Kevin on April 10th and saying "This makes me want to watch WCW again." But then Vince "..." Russo had to go and fuck everything up.

I'll say it again, because it bears repeating - that April 10th show was AWESOME. Crappy "matches" and Hogan's continued existence on the planet aside, I can't say I was neither entertained nor intrigued by the show. But then two months of a new champ every week (including That Dumbass Actor), the aside-brushing of my favorite wrestlers for NO DISCERNABLE REASON (3Count? Yung Dragons? BOOKER?) in the favor of thinly veiled unfunny marijuana references and the same old stars that were supposed to be shown the door, and continuous slamming of their far-superior competition.

That, however, isn't why I'll never watch WCW again.

I will not watch WCW because I do not like being called a worthless idiot, which is exactly what Vince Russo is doing.

Week after week, WCW programming is the same convoluted, asinine drivel which bears no potential fruits of good matchery or interesting payoffs. And the fans respond in the only way that they can - by not watching or going to see WCW's shows. I've heard tales of people turning down free tickets to a WCW pay-per-view (!). So what is Vince Russo's reaction? Listen to the fans, in the hope of picking up an inkling of what they might want? Provide a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel in order to potentially pique fan interest? Go on WCW Live and apologize to the fans, perhaps even allowing a note of contrition to penetrate that thick New York brogue as he sheds his crocodile tears?

Or say things in all seriousness like (and these are CUT AND PASTED FROM WCW LIVE TRANSCRIPTS) "We'll go you one better than that. We're going to actively recruit *actors* and teach them how to wrestle. That's never been done in this business...if *I* can go in the ring and learn how to work, anybody can." or "I would rather watch Ralphus and Norman entertain than watch a 20 minute cruiserweight match."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Gee, thanks for returning that vote of confidence I loaned you on April 10th, Mr. R. Good thing it never got a chance to get dusty. I mean, really. There are NO WORDS. This is uncanny. He's just pissing all over the few fans he's got left, telling them that they don't matter, and that it's his way or the highway.

Let me try a different analogy (because there's been a strong absence of feces jokes thus far through this column). Imagine you go into a diner, which, for analogy's sake, we'll call "The Turner Cafe". It's just reopened under new management after nearly being shut down on various and sundry health violations. You sit down at your table and open your menu, but everything they used to serve has been thrown out. So you do the only logical thing: you ask your waiter, a scuzzy New Yorker type what's good (not that I'm from the South or anything). His reply of "You're having the split pea soup" is disconcerting, but hey - you're hungry, so why not? The first sign of a problem is how long it takes your food to get out; it's SPLIT FUCKING PEA SOUP, not pheasant under glass. All you want is something to eat. And to add to your ever-growing annoyance, two fat assbutts are implanted on stools at the counter screeching about how this is the best restaurant they've ever eaten at. So after about, say, two hours, your waiter brings out a teeny little bowl of green stuff, and stands by you watching anxiously to see you taste it. You, of course, protest at the fact that there's a HUGE BROWN TURD FLOATING IN YOUR SOUP. Your waiter, instead of apologizing, tells you to fuck yourself to hell, that that's the way they make split pea soup in New York, and that he'd rather have a big 'ol dump in his soup than a double patty melt on Texas Toast any day of the week.

Now a quick pop quiz:

Which part of that scenario would have made you the angriest?

(A) The waiter's disregard for your personal tastes when suggesting the soup

(B) The amount of time it takes to produce the soup

(C) The yammering assbutts on stools

(D) The size and quality of the long awaited soup

(E) The waiter telling you to suck yourself

That is not what I want in my TV.

Now compare that to the WWF - fans pop for Jericho's entrance/mic work/matches, so we get three of them in a night. Fans eat Kurt and Those Two Guys up with a spoon, so we get "The Big Choke" et. al. Fans pop for badass Chris Benoit, so he commits murder on a nightly basis with the Crossface. Most notably, fans scarf down more realistic situations coupled with incredible in-ring action, so the WWF gives them Judgment Day. See? The WWF presents the audience with a bunch of options, and lets them exert enough control over the product to keep it fresh, and keep the ratings in the sixes. Russo, on the other hand, gives himself the only voice - fans are worthless in his equation, and eventually they'll pop for what he tells them to pop (must...not...improperify...grammer). That's why we're seeing Tank "Suckass" Abbott and Reid "Fucking" Flair, or, most conspicuously, VINCE RUSSO despite little or no fan interest - Russo thinks that if he keeps feeding us Split Shit Soup, we'll get used to it, and eventually like it.

But you know what the worst part of it is? We, the internet, gave him the keys to the kingdom. Remember those hosannas we sang him when he was with the WWF, those Horatio Algeresque stories of his rise to power? Remember all those glowing articles about how much promise there was for the WCW once Russo took over? Remember the zeal with which we relayed his edgy chats? Remember how quick we were to say that he and Bischoff together could easily make a good team?

D'oh.

Because NOW that New York Fuck thinks that he's GOD INCARNATE, and that anyone who goes against him is EEEEEEEEEEEEVIL (like the fru-its of the Dev-il). Well, the last laugh will be on him. His "Big Surprise" is, dollars to donuts, going to suck big donkey ass; he'll get fired again (with his Companion in Idiocy Eric Bischoff); and unless WCW gives the reins to Terry Taylor or some other such person, we'll finally be able to scrape them off our shoes for good. So Vince Russo, if you ever read this column, know ye this:

1. I would rather watch a 20 minute cruiserweight match than watch Ralphus (and, unless it's within the confines of a wrestling match, Smiley) entertain.

2. I miss the old WCW Saturday Night - you know, the one with matches and stuff.

3. Pay attention to that restaurant scenario - it'll be one of the few jobs you can get after your WCW "career".

4. I want MATCHES. The last word in "World Championship Wrestling" is "wrestling" after all - it SURE AS FUCKING SURE IS'NT "World Championship Actors Trying To Wrestle".

5. The core audience for WCW is about 1.9, as proven by your recent QHs. With every "crash TV" segment, you're alienating some of those 1.9. Rock Bottom ain't just a move, buddy - you'll find that out soon enough.

And most importantly, 6. LISTEN TO YOUR AUDIENCE. Odds are they've been watching wrestling longer than you, so they have a good idea of what sucks and what doesn't. It's clear that your "not listening to the audience" strategy is an ABJECT FAILURE; why not try the other way?

Of course, that's just why I'll never watch another WCW match again (well, I'll watch good matches [if we get any ever], but not for a while. I'll have to deal). It's pretty apparent that I'm not alone in my loathing of WCW and Russo; I leave it up to you as to exactly why you don't like them. All I know is that I'm not happy, and it's time for me to take action. All I can hope for is that I get a Nielsen box so that I can REALLY stick it to that bearded NY dumbass.