I. Intro.

Well, since opening up the now-unknown Land of Digability aboot a week ago, much has happened. Six hits, to be precise - and only three were mine. So, in honor of the Unknown Three, I'll bitch furiously. In the essence of saving your rods and cones, I'll sum up my last two weeks for you: DON'T EVER TAKE A GODDAMNED JOB AT A MOVIE THEATER. Carmike Cinemas, who were "gracious" enough to hire me, SUCKS ASS. All I really need in my life is to stand around a lot (try SEVEN DAYS A GODDAMNED WEEK - and a great big FUCK YOU to my goddamned manager), get blamed for someone stealing a hundred fucking dollars from my register, to clean up after a bunch of redneck assholes in MI2 (which rules, but judging by the amount of trash left on the ground after it's over, must inspire a "Dump All Your Overpriced Shit On The Ground Now" reaction in the dumbass audience), to smile at motherfuckers yelling at me because I can't sell give them a cup because of inventory purposes, or because our prices are too high (note to assholes: Cashiers neither set the prices nor made you poor/cheap. DON'T FUCKING YELL AT US, especially if you then IMMEDIATELY bitch about how the service sucks.)... and so on. AND THEY PAY ME MINIMUM WAGE. FUCK THAT SHIT. I've got a good mind to quit by smacking my dick in Mr. Carmike's face - but the really funny thing is that they're so understaffed that I could shit in my manager's bed and keep my job - they can't cut my pay, and there's too few people to fire.

So, keeping that in mind, it's time to do the impossible: praise WCW, and even Hulk Hogan.

It's time to get Mem-O-Rate-y with quite possibly the best thing that WCW has ever done: Bash at the Beach 1996. See, as I've said before, I'm probably the world's biggest fan of Kevin Nash (yes, THAT Kevin Nash), and I like Scott Hall quite a little bit as well, so it stands to reason that I'd be pretty all over the NWO angle. Add in the fact that I'm one of those "I like the history of wrestling" guys, and the pieces of the picture all come into place. The icing on the cake, of course, is the rest of the card - like I said last time, it's pretty much as close as WCW's ever going to get to Wrestlemania X as far as having something for everyone - lucha/highspot freaks ( <- me), angle freaks ( <- me), Sports Entertainment Freaks ( <- sorta me), and pretty much everything in between. But don't worry - my job has sucked almost all of my alleged zest for life and toleration for shit, so if something sucks, I'll let you know, most likely in a snarky and ill-tempered fashion.

Not that you care. LET FLY THE BASH AT THE BEACH 1996 Mem-O-Rate REVIEW!

NOTE: I'm reading this again, and it occurs to me that the fairer sex won't laugh at a bunch of stuff in this one. So to all the ladies out there (which I think is Rebecca Cerese, Sharon Austin, and Heather B.), sorry, but just think of this as guys who can't compete with Edge and Christian fighting back :) And keep in mind that this is the last time I'll ever apologize for myself.

MATCH 1: Rey Mysterio Jr. vs Psychosis
AND AWAY WE GO:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YEAH, BABY! This match all by itself could pretty much justify your purchase of this tape - it just ROCKS REALLY HARD. Have you ever played a wrestling video game, and you do something in it that you've never seen before, like, say, hurricanranaing someone from the apron to the floor or dropping a leg from the top rope to the floor? Ever done that and think "Gee, I wish I could see someone do that in real life - in spite of the fact that it'd probably result in INSTANT DEATH for one or more of the participants. Yeah, right, and next thing I know Santa Claus will be knocking on my door with that solid gold toilet I want." Well KNOCK FUCKING KNOCK, baby! I'd never SEEN some of the insanity contained within this match before, with my mind's eye or not. I mean, a top-rope crucifix powerbomb reversed IN MID GODDAMN AIR into a hurricanrana? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I quite literally JUMPED OUT OF MY CHAIR AND HOPPED AROUND THE ROOM at that one. And that's not even covering the sweet ass top-turnbuckle-to-floor legdrops, or the hurricanranas from the ring to the floor where Psychosis smacks his head against UNFORGIVING STEEL for your viewing pleasure. Yonk. The thing is, as good as the highspots are, and believe me when I say that they're nut-all-over-your-Sunday-finery-in-front-of-your-grandmother good, there's some MAMMOTHLY cool mat wrestling there too. Heat? Crowd heat, you say? Yeah, there's a whole heaping chunka dat too - by the end, people are (like me) jumping around. Not bad for two Mexican midgets who'll never draw - right, Mr. Sullivan?

Mem-O-Rate SCORE: *****. Hey Vince Russo - in case you're reading this issue (*coughhackyeahrightcough*), I'd just like to say that this match was about twenty minutes, and I'd much rather watch it than watch Ralphus and Norman entertain. OOOH!

MATCH 2: Big Bubba vs John Tenta. Wait - Aw shit, I read it right.
AND AWAY WE GO:
What do you know - into every life, a little crap DOES fall! And as if I didn't have enough reason to hate this match already, Jimmy "Well, if my middle name wasn't already 'Hulk Hogan Has Sex With Me! In My Ass!', it would definitely be 'I Yell Annoyingly And Lead The STUPIDEST Faction EVER!' Hart is gonna be a big ol' heaping wart on the ass that is this match. Want a GREAT example of why WCW booking must just be a room full of monkeys, who after a thousand years of typing ("It was the...BLURST OF TIMES?") came up with the NWO angle? This match has a stipulation of there being a sock of quarters on a pole, and the first guy to climb up and get it gets to use it on the other guy. That wouldn't be TOO horrible (note that I said horrible, not stupid) if it didn't involve the TWO LEAST ATHLETICALLY GIFTED MEN IN THE HISTORY OF ALL EARTH, INCLUDING ME. Watching Ray Traylor try to shimmy up a pole brings new meaning to the phrase "comedy of errors", but please believe me when I say that it is NOTHING compared to how funny John Tenta looks while trying to shimmy up a pole. And as if John "Canadian Duh" Tenta didn't look dumb enough already, please remember that this is the "epic" "blowoff" "match" to the "You shaved half my hair off, monkeyfunker!" feud between these two. Even the end is laughable, as Tenta exhibits his ability to fuck up giving the impression of convincingly swinging a sock full of quarters. From my point of view, I'd say he missed his head (Dusty "I Exist To Give Digable James Cobo A Reason To Kill" Rhodes, doing "commentating" duty, sold it as a blow to the head) by a good FOOT AND A HALF. Learn how to suck at wrestling, John Tenta - calling your performance "sucky" in this match would be a compliment. Oh yeah - you too, Ray Traylor.

Mem-O-Rate SCORE: DUD, FUCKING DUD. It never ceases to amaze me that some guy in the front row jumps up, just like I did during the first match. Of course, IIRC, the guy was wearing a Hulkamania bandanna, which should explain a lot.

MATCH 3: Diamond Dallas Page vs Hacksaw Jim Duggan
AND AWAY WE GO:
Admission of guilty pleasure: I liked this match. Herb Kuenze can talk about p-sychology all he wants to, but to me, it really just comes down to hitting the right move at the right time. And that's exactly what this match had - plenty of that p-sychology (I can't believe I applied the word "psychology" to a Jim Duggan match without immediately preceding it with the words "complete lack of"). When he does make his inevitable Heroic Comeback, I was so into the match that I was almost cheering! Match was total shit, of course, but who cares when it's this much fun!

Mem-O-Rate SCORE: ** 3/4. That may be the highest rating ever attributed to a match involving Jim Duggan. This is the match that convinced me of DDP's potential greatness - when you've got me liking THIS match, someone's good, and it sure as shootin' ain't Jim Duggan.

MATCH 4: The Public Enemy vs The Nasty Boys
AND AWAY WE GO:
Well, I sure don't hate the Public Enemy - table spots are still really cool, even if the WWF does one on the average of once every ten minutes. And this match has a couple. Want an indication of how good this PPV was? This is the first match where the announcing team starts to get on my nerves, despite the fact that both Tony Schiavone and Dusty Rhodes make up 2/3rds of it. And I can get over it too - for every Tonyism about how he "can't believe he just said X" (in this case it was a "SURFBOARD TO THE HEAD!"; the month prior to this, it was "HEADFIRST TO THE COMMODE" - a truly great call if I've ever heard one), there's a move that's supposed to break the most petulantly unbreakable table in history (it survived JERRY GODDAMN SAGS JUMPING ON IT! What, did they find one of those old unbreakable NWA tables?) - three, in fact. And since I hate the Nastyz so much, I don't have a problem with a finish that, improperly done, could have broked Brian Knobbs' neck (a running clothesline on Rocco with the chain between Knobbs and What's His Name - I forgot to mention that this was a double dog collar match, didn't I?). Unfortunately, it didn't. Still, they tried to make me happy.

Mem-O-Rate SCORE: ** 1/2. Unbreaking tables and some neat spots amuse me greatly, so I'll forgive this match's obvious inherent shortcomings (hint: they rhyme with "Larry Lags" and "Frian Fnobbs") and instead focus on how much fun this match was.

MATCH 5: WCW Cruiserweight Title (it seems to me that those words used to mean something): Dean Malenko vs. Disco Inferno
AND AWAY WE GO:
Hm, seems we're deviating from the schedule of Amusing Crap to stop and see some Actual Wresting for a second. Hey, kids, remember when the Cruiserweight title was important? As much as I like Disco Inferno, I never thought I'd pine for the days in which he was considered a laughable contender to the championship, instead of a rightful champion. And how weird is it to see such a highspot-less Cruiserweight title match? This match has plenty of goodness to it, mostly brought by Dean, who slowly is beginning to rule my earth more and more. If you've got a "Best of Dean Malenko" and want to trade a copy, check my site for my trade lists - I must have more. Disco, however, sure doesn't suck this match up ONE F'N BIT, however - he brings it and then some. Like I said, I may know a wrist lock from a wrist watch when I see it, but I sure as shit don't know the names of pretty much ANYTHING Dean Malenko does when he's getting his mat wrestle on. Doesn't make this match any less good.

Mem-O-Rate SCORE: *** 3/4. Disco was KB green at this point, so Dean did the best he could with him. But it's not like he sat around massaging his choad - he did his part. The best way I can describe it is good, but overall not essential.

MATCH 6: Joe Gomez vs Steve McMichael. Dammit.
AND AWAY WE GO:
So anyway, me and three of my friends were sitting around a few days ago, and out of nowhere, we got on the subject of (and I'm kinda sorry to my female readership, but hey - I talk about kicking guys in the balls all the time) kicking girls in the pussy. After much discussion (and about five seconds of continuous thunderous laughter), we decided that this practice was to be called "yumping", as in "But then, instead of doing her, I yumped the shit out of her!". (like I said, sorry females. But we all know I'm a weirdo, and in the spirit of equality, I laugh just as hard at the [mental] image of a girl getting kicked in the puss just as hard as I do at the image of a guy getting thwacked in the nards. Equality for all!) We kept on the subject all night, discussing what sort of injuries might result to the yump-er (and the more obvious ones to the yump-ee), how one might organize a professional yumping league, and my plans to, once I attain enough money, to buy a minor league baseball team and rename them the "Yumpers" and stuffing their ranks with all the minor league talent I can find just so that newspapers would have to print the headline "Yumpers Win", thereby creating the largest-scale and (therefore) funniest in-joke of all time.
Got it? Good.

Mem-O-Rate SCORE: This match yumped my grandmother. BIG OL' DUD.

MATCH 7: US Title Match: Konnan vs Ric Flair
AND AWAY WE GO:
First I admit to liking a Duggan match, then I talk about yumping, then I admit to fast forwarding through a Ric Flair match? It's true, it's true. I tried to watch it at normal speed, but Nancy "SHUT UP!" Sullivan's shrieking and the MEGA SLOW PACE of this match just did it in. It seemed like it was going at about the right pace when I had it on fast forward. Sorry to all.

Mem-O-Rate SCORE: **. My god - I gave a NASTY BOYS match and a JIM DUGGAN match a higher rating.

<Aside: In honor of the mp3 that just came up on my player - NWA's "Gangsta Gangsta", I'd like to relate some of the best lyrics I've ever heard to you right now:
"Cause you know they know what's up
So we start lookin' for the bitches with the big butt
Like her. But she keep cryin'
"I got a boyfriend!" BITCH, STOP LYIN!
Dumb ass hooker ain't nothin' but a dyke.
Suddenly I see some niggas that I don't like."
Why does the NWA rule so much? BLATANCY IS AWESOME, despite whether I agree with the politics or not. And it's pretty hard to find anyone more blatant than the WWF, but DAMNED IF NWA DON'T DO IT! End of aside>

MATCH 8: The Giant/Kevin "Taskmaster" Sullivan vs. Arn Anderson/Chris Benoit
Chris Benoit cuts an INCREDIBLY BAD promo before the match starts - if you still think his mic work today sucks, check this shit out. EEE. Match, of course, SUCKS ASS. Benoit and Anderson's goodness < Giant and Sullivan's awfulness. And it really hurts me to say that, because I like Paul Wight. But this match is just a train wreck. It's so jumbled and disorienting that all I can think when the match hits its lone highspot (Benoit jumps on Sullivan at the "beach") is "Damn, they sure are getting a bunch of sand in the ring." Oh well; Benoit, Wight, and Anderson would all go on to better things - the WWF, the WWF, and retirement, respectively.

Mem-O-Rate SCORE: *. It may have been a nothing match, but at least they tried. Nevertheless, the only real reason this match will stick out in your mind at all is how underwhelming it is.

AND ANOTHER THING: Is Nancy Sullivan supposed to be a sex symbol? I really don't get it. For some reason she looks really plain to me. Maybe it's just this PPV or something, but she just isn't doing it for me. Maybe it's her leching all over Mean Gene "Gee, I Sure Am Lucky My First Name Isn't Alphonse, Or I'd Be Working As A Concessionaire At Carmike Cinemas" Okerlund, or her PAINFULLY ANNOYING SCREECH, but I don't get it. If Chris Benoit is reading this column, more power to you, but I just don't get it. Nothing against the either of 'em; there is also the fact that my taste in women has been questioned by some. But hey; to each his own.

MATCH 9; THE BIG KAHUNA: Sting/Lex Luger/Randy "I Don't Deserve My Girlfriend" Savage vs. Kevin Nash~!/Scott Hall/Some Guy
Remember what I said about p-sychology in the Duggan match? Well apply it here with about a FACTOR OF TEN. From a wrestling standpoint, this match pretty much sucks, but from an entertainment perspective, it RULES THE EARTH. And I'd put at least fifty percent of the reason as to why this match is so cool on...no, not... TONY SCHIAVONE? Yep. He calls this match REALLY WELL. He creates a sense of urgency that really makes the match seem important (it is, but hey, let's hear it for the little things). I never thought I'd praise Tony "Suckass" Schiavone for taking a match from good to great (remember, from an entertainment perspective only), but give credit where it's due. And while we're giving credit to unlikely sources, LET'S HEAR IT FOR HULK HOGAN! I mean DAMN, was I ever waiting for him to run out, but he did it so well that when he did run out, I was really feeling it. And his post-match interview was surprisingly (a) cohesive [except for that "New World Organization" flub, but tonight, who's counting?] and (b) dramatic. Kudos to you. If it hadn't been for Dusty's call of "But whose side is he on?", for which I will forever hate him and burn him in effigy, the turn would have been perfect. It was WWF booking in the WCW. Raveraverave.

Mem-O-Rate SCORE: ****. Yeah, from a wrestling standpoint it sucked ass. But it rocked HARD from an entertainment perspective, and with Mem-O-Rate, that's the biggie. And I don't think I'll ever forget this match.

OVERALL WORTH OF TAPE: What are you, stoopid? BUY IT NOW. I've got one - I'll trade or sell copies. The icing on the cake, of course, is how they keep showing Eric Bischoff getting powerbombed through a table; but pretty much everything else except The Horrible Second Match and the Utterly Worthless Gomez/McMichael Match has its place. You want this like you want air.