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| Guest Columns | James Cobo |
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MY AREA #1 I. Introduction Welcome...to...NET IS JAMESCOBO! I'm James Cobo, an 18-year-old freshman (in college), and in my spare time I watch/read about professional wrestling. I have also been able to overcome my American public handica-er, um, education and can write fairly well. So since I've got absolutely NOTHING better to do, I'm taking the time in which most college kids are doing volunteer work and writing about pro wrest- sorry, SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT, instead. II. A Column, for reading, by you, soon, preferably now. Folks, I'm going to college to study to be a film critic. Why, you ask? Simple: I have very strong opinions about the quality of whatever's entertaining me. And wrestling entertains me. So I figured that there's no better way to acquaint myself with youse'n's than to be as opinionated as possible. Today we will go through the ranks of the WWF and decide who lives and dies. To start on a positive note, we'll start with the WWF; the WCW shall fall under my sword next time. PROSCRIPTION LIST FOR THE WWF 1. Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hmm, let's see. I only started watching wrestling on the day HBK became commisioner (but who's counting), so I never saw either the Hollywood Blonds or any of El Steve-o's "technical" matches. All I've seen are punch, punch, Thesz Press, kick, Stunner, pin, finger. BOOOOOORING. He may have had ring skills before, but I don't see them now. And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention how GOD DAMNED MOTHER INTERCOURSE-HAVING overexposed he is. Perhaps it's different at your school, but at my ex-HS, you could barely swing a dead cat without hitting someone in a SCSA shirt. I'm just plain sick of him. And his interviews! Argh. No good. I know I'm usually the only one to say shit like this, but GOD! Doesn't ANYONE ELSE get sick of hearing "You say [fill in the blank] and damn hell ass hell ass you take your little ass damn [fill in the blank]? Hell, son [blah, blah blah], [I'll kick your ass] [one of the three catchphrases]"? No. No more. Death for you. But. I side one hunnert percent with the Heatrates. Heat is important, and SCSA's got more than the entire WCW. And, in all fairness, he's a pretty good gimmick-hell, he's damn good-I'm just sick to death of him. So, here's what happens: Steve may live, and he can even contend, but he has to switch off with the Rock for a while (taking a second role and helping put other guys over). And that's the bottom li-whoops. 2. The Rock. Speaking of catchphrases. Why does the rock live (immediately and without any question surrounding the decision)? Simple. He's like SCSA, but he's different in one KEY, VITAL, TITANIC WAY: When SCSA gets on the mike, you pretty much know what you're getting. With the Rock, you have no idea. The best, bar none, best promo I have ever heard cut was the "Billy Gunn's Prayer" from heat a while back. I wish I had it on video. Admittedly, while you do know the "turn it sideways/if you smellllllllll/millions and millions" bit is coming, as my former Latin teacher said about the Aeneid: It's like taking a trip- you know where you're ending up, but you don't know what's happening on the way there. And he's got decent skills in the ring, too. I mark out for the People's Elbow and the Rock Bottom like few other moves. Why? Because of the drama. There's that second of anticipation that only the Rock knows how to manipulate. And then, on top of all of that, he goes out of his way to put ove Bad Acting Billy Gunn, even going so far as to put his face on BABG's ass. That, comrades, shows company loyalty like few things. Rocky lives, and doesn't suck, for many long, fruitful years. 3. Triple H. This is tough. Hunter's only got a few moves, and his finisher kind of sucks (sorry). But on the other hand, he's been getting better. His interviews the last few weeks have been better than any I've ever seen him do; he plays the killer badass better than most people right about now; put him with another good->great performer and he's something special (hackcoughladdermatchcough); and he's pretty much the best example I can come up with right now for a BAD, BAD, BAD guy. Not the Chris Jericho type where you can't wait for him to come out; no, more the ruthless badass (there's that word again!), who scares you a leeetle bit (god, that sledgehammer bit. I marked out big time when he beat the shit out of that casket with Rock in it, not to mention Mick Foley's knee). And while this shouldn't really factor into this situation, I am SUCH a DX mark. I can't forget the time when someone was bitching at him, leading him to respond with "Gee, I'm at a loss for words. Does anyone have two words for this guy?". And possibly my favorite match I've ever seen on free TV was the HHH/Rock I Quit with Chyna turning. God, what a cool match. I'd love to get that Raw on tape. And the final proverbial apple in his proverbial basket is that awesome music. Say what you will; it rocks, especially without any words (well, he can keep "Is this on?"). I say let him live, and give him some time off to learn some new moves. If he can increase his repetoire just a bit, he'll probably be able to shake that "not-yet-ready-for-prime-time" image that's been haunting him. So he lives. 4.Undertaker. EASY; possibly the easiest choice in the whole WWF. [Please note that I am an atheist and, as such, have no religious problem with Mark. It's ALL secular, bay-bee.] I hate the Undertaker so much it gives me a rash. His in-ring skills are HUGELY overrated. Oooh, he's walking on a rope. Cree-py. And meanwhile, he comes out and works his "mike skills". Grrr. In theater one (one!) the FIRST THING WE LEARNED was to STAY IN CHARACTER ALL THE TIME. Mark, for the love of haysoos, you cannot be both a shitkicker drug-free Hunter Thompson reject AND a "fearsome" "evil" lord of dorkness. Pick one and RUN WITH IT. It just sickens me to see you come out on Heat and blab about stealing souls and yada yada yada, and then come on Raw and talk about getting a stick from the ass-beating tree. And speaking of the lord of darkness character, this is, without a doubt, THE STUPIDEST GIMMICK I HAVE EVER, and I mean EEEEVER SEEN. Vince McMahon, how can you, in all good conscience, talk about making a product that won't insult the viewer's intelligence and then allow this burlap sack of liquified cow shit to stink up my TV? I can suspend disbelief as well as anyone (need proof? Terminator [one and two] kicked ass.), but am I really supposed to believe that this guy actually intends to take over the world...THROUGH DOMINATION OF THE WWF? I can see it now: The United Nations, convened to discuss important issues is in session, when all of a sudden the lights go out and...BONG...
(The delegates of all the world are struck dumb, and then begin to laugh uproariously.) DELEGATE OF YEMEN: My God, this guy is the living end. What's your number? My kid's having a birthday party at the end of the month and I need to hire you. 'TAKER: SILENCE! (Hooting and laughing continues) FEAR MY WRATH! (rolls his eyes back in his head, provoking a rash of 'ooh'-ing and fake fear from the delegates. 'Taker holds his eyes like that until the laughter begins to die down.) DELEGATE FROM BOLIVIA: Did he say "Feel my ass"? (another huge round of laughter erupts. 'Taker stalks out in a huff, with precisely zero countries under his thumb.) 5. Big Show. Less easy, but not by much. I was really digging TBS as a face (and as a side note, wouldn't it be cool if for WM16 TBS was the face and Stone Cold was the heel? The answer is yes, yes it would have), and he was on the verge of becoming one of my favorites by beating the Undertaker with a figurative board-with-a-nail-through-it, but then he goes and fucks it up by going bad. Big Show lives; there's no question about it. He's shown his potential with his interviews, and I won't forget the cigarette thing for a while. He's even got really good skill for a big guy. Plus his music's cool, PLUS he's the big-guy future of the WWF. My only beef with him right now is that he's in a tired, worn-out angle (coughhackkaneandtakerhorkcough). But hey, he's young yet; as far as I'm concerned, he's the next Andre. Live, big man; live. 6. Kane. I'm unsure as to Kane's future. He kicked ass as a heel (the first time I ever saw RAW in any facility, he challenged Austin to a first blood match at KOTR 98; the second time, he came out and chokeslammed three people), but he's all right as a face. He's with X-Pac in DX- that's good. But at any moment, he could go back w/ Taker- BADBADBAD. He's pretty much got the same moves as Taker- bad. But he keeps getting better- good. The sad fact is, even though I'm a DX mark, he doesn't do anything for me. Plus he's just a walking reminder of how they can stretch out the Undertaker's life expectancy. Sorry Glenn, unless you get really interesting REALLY QUICK, you've got to go. I'll make it painless, though. (Aside: I remember watching Wrestlemania this year with my friends and making a joke about Kane joining DX and doing the "suck it" thing with that voice. And then, only six short months later, on The Best Raw Ever, he had two words for us. Funky.) 7. No Talent Billy Gunn. Anyone else sick of this P.O.S.? He's had one good line since he decided to "further his career" (on last Raw, something about a herbal ass treatment struck me as funny). What's he done to make himself known? He won the Kingship at King of the Ring/"Let's Push The Heels and Shit on the Good Guys" '99, he's had unimpressive matches just about every time he walks down the aisle, and (although this is pure conjecture) every time he walks around in public, even if it's with his ailing 90-year-old grandmother, he's got to put up with people yelling "Hey! Ass Man!". He has no mike skills, no in ring skills, his finisher is stupid with a capitol dumb, his music mentions anal sex ("I love to stick 'em"- huh?), and his entire gimmick involves telling redneck mark men that his ass is great. This man grates on me like some sort of tool or utensil constructed to grate. The sentence is death, and since he likes to stick asses so much, let's kill him by having him butt-raped to death. 8. Litt'l Kenny Shamrock. Speaking of stupid finishers. Has anyone ever bothered to try the Ankle Lock? It doesn't hurt all that much. But put it in the hands of this "technical master" and it's worse than The Boats. I'm not sure what his gimmick is, but I am sure that that "snapping" thing is stupid. And I'm also DAMN sure that smacking your head with your hands does not equal charisma- it didn't work for Gooooooooldbeeeerg, and it didn't work for you. The man has the charisma of a spare tire. And his music sucks. And to top it all off, I've read (one of the old nWWWo posts) something saying that he's a REAL KING-KONG DONKEY DICK offscreen. So he dies. We'll kill him by putting him in the figure four (a REALLY PAINFUL MOVE) until he starves. 9. Chyna. I'll get "sexist pig"-calling letters for a long time, but I call 'em as I see em. I'll be blunt and short (just like a- oh, ahem, sorry): She has no charisma. Her in-ring skills consist of a nutshot. I don't like her interviews. It's not a girl thing at all; I have no problem with women wrestling; hell, I'd like to see her get a title shot just to see if the WWF would have the balls to let her do it, or even to let her win. But in the tradition of femenism, I'm holding her up to the same standards as the men, and she fails. No life for you. 10. DX. On the other hand, DX rocks. I came in after the heel DX, but DX has always somehow figured in to the major moments of my early wrestling stage (X-Pac's title shot, NAO go corporate, HHH's I Quit match against the Rock, etc.) To be short and sweet, Road Dogg's charisma and awesome mike work (anyone else know that the "rollin' on that X" statement a while back was a reference to the drug Ecstasy? Yeah, I didn't think so) more than make up for his rather disappointing in-ring work right now. If he could come up with a cool finisher, he's a main-eventer for sure. And now that Chris Benoit's got his title, and with the impending de-title-ization of X-Pac & Kane (just you wait), Sean Waltman will soon be the best wrestler without a title. I say give Jarret the Euro champ and have him and 'Pac trade it back and forth a few times. Throw Gangrel, Edge, Test, and a few others in the mix and boom- instant legitimacy for the Euro title. As for the group itself- Kane is NOT DX, no matter what anyone says. Jericho would be the best choice right now if he weren't a heel. But right now, I say they really need a leader. My personal choice would be the Rock, even though it'll never happen ("If ya smelllllll what DX is cookin'!") due to history and a ton of money being made off of Rock's stuff, or HBK in a managerial position, especially if he can come back to actually do the HBK vs. HHH match for Wrestlemania 16 I've been hearing about. Dogg and 'Pac are on the verge of superstardom. With a leader, they'll get there. A long, long life filled with money and merchandise for both. 11. Shawn Michaels. Plain and sad fact: I've never seen Shawn Michaels wrestle, except on the Playstation. He's damn good on the stick, and I even like the Sweet Chin Music (the one time I saw it), but I've never seen him actually wrestle. That is why I bestow life on him to as high a degree as possible. He's still relatively young (unlike, oh, I don't know, Hogan), so there's time, especially with the amount I'm NOT going to kill him. 12. Mick Foley. Hardest worker in the WWF? Yes. Really, really good on the stick? Yes. Defines and personifies all that is hardcore about wrestling? Yes. I actually pity One-Ear more than any other guy on the roster; he keeps pulling these incredible stunts out of his ass time after time after time. (Yeah, boo hoo). It's getting to the point where he's going to have to kill himself in the ring in order to cause anything to happen. The thing that a lot of people forget about Foley is how good he is with his personae. It's not easy to make that many distinct characters. Lots of people are lucky to get one; he's got three (and I know you don't care, but my favorite is, by far, the Dudester. Funny as hell, not to even mention that ridiculous music...). He should be up nearer to the top, but in all my bitching about 'Taker, I just plain forgot about the other guy involved in probably the most important match of the '90s. Not only do I not kill any of the Three Faces of Foley, but I kill anyone who tries to kill him. Lucky 13. Chris Jericho. This man kicks so much ass it should be illegal. Years from now, when people start talking about how they remember when Hall declared that they were "taking over", or Mankind pinned Rock with a forklift, or when Austin won the title back the day after King of the Ring, I'll say "Yeah, those were cool. But none of those will ever, EEEVER come close to Chris Jericho's debut". 8/9 will not be a day that any of the Big Three (ECW! ECW! ECW!) will be able to top for a long, long time. It's definitely the best debut of all time (beating even the Gobbledygooker), it's almost definitely the best non-match ever offered on regular TV, and it might even be the best event of all regular TV (it's gotta deal with Michaels-Jannetty, Steamboat-Flair, and Flair-Funk I Quit). It's pretty fucking hard to make every smart/smark watching the WWF mark out at once, but damn it- that's exactly what they did. Am I blowing it out of proportion? Might I be going just a leeeeetle too fast? Am I forgetting that he has yet to perform move one, let alone wrestle match one? No. He's got it all. Style, skill, charisma, perspicacity, good psychology. This man is the future of professional wrestling, and if you don't believe me you are in denial. It is that simple. The timeline of the Great Wrestling Boom will probably read like this: Outsiders debut on Nitro, Hogan turns heel, The Bret Hart Fiasco, SCSA/Iron Mike beat Shawn at WM14, Mankind jumps off the cage at KOTR98, Austin/Rock at WM15 (it's more significant than you think), and finally, Chris Jericho's debut. This man gets nothing but life, nothing even closely resembling a kill, from me, because he's going to make me laugh for a long time a'coming. I think I'm about to find out what it's like to cheer for the heel when he comes out and then mark out really, really hard when he finally wins. Go Jericho Go. AND THE REST: 14. Edge. So much skill, he gets to live, and, once he gets mike skills, feud w/ Jericho. 15. Jeff Jarrett. Call me crazy ("YOU'RE CRAZY"), but I like him as a heel. He gets to live, although he is starting to wear. 16. Gangrel. Stupid finisher, stupid gimmick, but I don't hate him. He lives until the feud w/ Edge is over, at which point I'll re-evaluate. 17. Mideon/Viscera/Big Bossman. How shall I put it? If they died tomorrow, there would be the kegger to end all keggers at my house. 18. Al Snow. I like him, although fewer and fewer people seem to. Life, and a big push. 19. Hardy Boyz. The future of tag team wrestling. Like two Kidmans on the same team. Lifelifelife. 20. The Rest of the rest: I don't know. It's almost time for NewsRadio, so I'm going to stop. III. THE END. You like? I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE! I kid. Drop me a line sometime at trdn89@hotmail.com; who knows? if I like/hate what you write enough, you may be able to (dare I crack the joke? dare! dare!) get all up in "My Area" AHAhAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! God, that's a sorry-ass joke. I need to go eat some doritos and not think about wrestling for a while. I'm James Cobo, and I still will be in a while. James Cobo freelance Mail the Author |
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