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FROM THE DARK SIDE
All I Want for Christmas is Some Quality Wrestling
Dear Santa,
Although I haven't been a very good boy this year, I have been
better than in some years past, so let's hope you take the positive
shift as a positive trend.
One of the reasons I haven't been good is because watching wrestling
every week very often leads me to say bad things against my fellow
man, especially using words that would be bleeped out by the USA
censor during Raw.
In a display of modest altruism, I'm not going to ask anything for
myself this year for the holidays. Instead, I'd like to submit to you
my list of what to get for all the wrestling personalities.
For Ric Flair - A ticket out of WCW, preferably on a bullet train or
Concord supersonic plane. Say what you want about Vince McMahon, but
when Flair wanted out of the WWF years ago, Vinnie Mac let his go.
Hey Copernicus, Be Fair to Flair.
For Steve Austin - A clean bill of health. If that's out of your
powers, then a successful pilot For "Jake Cage."
For Mick Foley - The continued to get over without having to fall off
things and/or land on thumbtacks. And hopes that you got a good
royalty deal on the book.
For The Rock - Well, he's got fame, money, looks and tons of
charisma. The only thing to give him is a kick ass feud with Ric
Flair, once he gets to the WWF. (knock wood)
For HHH - Some more wrestling moves. Oh, and a feud with Ric Flair in
the WWF over Helmsley's use of the Flair Flop and the Flair Flip.
For Al Snow - A gimmick that finally shows off your in-ring abilities
and not one that makes you just a comedy player.
For Matt and Jeff Hardy - A long run with the WWF tag team titles.
For Jerry Lawler - A lifetime supply of Viagra.
For Jim Ross - A lifetime job at the mike and the freedom to call
matches without instructions in the headset.
For Vince Russo - Humble Pie. And tolerance lessons to curb your
xenophobia and dislike of Southerners.
For Ed Ferrera - Hopes that, like our mothers used to say, making
mean faces would have it freeze that way.
For Bret Hart - Karma.
For the WCW Luchadors - A run to the border, to people who appreciate
your skills and promoters who can think outside of the stereotype
box.
For Paul Wight - Self-control at the dinner table, enabling you to
perform in the ring the way you did when you broke into the business.
For Chris Jericho - The main event at Wrestlemania sometime in the
next three years.
For Paul Heyman - Good ratings on TNN.
For Sting - A map to help recapture what you used to have. It may be
hidden in a bottle of peroxide and red, white and blue face paint.
For the Indy workers - Large crowds that come out to see a quality
in-ring product and not just copies of what's on TV Monday nights.
For Eric Bischoff - Pepto-Bismol to help with all the crow you must
still be eating. And a one-way ticket back to Minnesota.
For the Blue Meanie - a regular spot on weekly TV.
For Scott Hall - Videotape copies of every "E! True Hollywood
Stories" episode, so you can prevent the future you seem to be
heading toward.
For Booker T - A quality push and a chance to be a marquee player.
For Chris Benoit - A steel-plated spine, so that you don't end up
like the Dynamite Kid. And to get to wrestle one more match in
America where the arena is filled with fans that understand how great
you are.
For wrestling fans - A product that is a healthy mix between soap
opera and athletic contest. There must be a happy medium between
Crash TV and All-Japan. And a year without any drug-related deaths
and crippling accidents.
Thanks for listening, Santa. I hope I didn't keep you away too long
from greasing up the sled and feeding the reindeer. And let's finally
get some snow around here. It is December after all.
Your Pal,
Mark Coale
O-Goshi Studios - Popular Culture Journalism For the Next Millennium
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