Greetings, people!

Can you believe it? THREE Jones pieces hitting the [slash] in one week! You know what THAT means!

Yep, go grab the Pepto. You're gonna need it.

As I'm sure you'll all aware, we're a few days removed from the big 1-year anniversary of [slash]... but we're also just a day or so shy of my anniversary ON [slash]. So with that in mind, I present this special Year In Jones retrospective... a look back at all the fun and memories we've shared these past 12 months.

You might now be thinking "HEY, Jones! Who are YOU to think anyone would care about this?" Well, you're probably right. But in all honesty, the idea wasn't mine. A regular reader of mine suggested it and, when I ran it past several other readers that I speak with semi-regularly, they all liked the idea and offered suggestions on what to include. So, with their assistance, I ran with it and we have the finished product you see below. If you want to read it, great. If you don't... screw you, buddy! Suck it! Bite me! F you! *crotch chop*

Uh... sorry. Anyway, what you'll find below is a link back to everything I've EVER done on [slash], and some humorous quotes pulled out of the PPV recaps. If you read over a quote and don't think it's funny, just imagine how many were originally included that I cut because they really, truly weren't at all amusing. But also keep in mind that a few unfunny quotes, such as the very first one, are included only to set you up for the punchline(s) that appear later.

And with that in mind... if you can stomach it, let's take a look back at where it all started: 1999's Bash at the Beach!

BASH AT THE BEACH 1999

This is WCW! Where we SHUT UP and WRESTLE! Why? ‘Cause we're OUT THERE!
BASH AT THE BEACH

"THE PROFESSOR" "IRON" MIKE "IXNAY" "SCOOP" TENAY has made his way to the junkyard, thanks to the tireless efforts of his location-ratting spies. Good thing Mike's so well connected or he'd have had to stoop to asking the camera crew the location... or he could have asked Hak. Or Jimmy Hart. Or... well, you get the picture.
BASH AT THE BEACH

Apparently he and Disco will have yet another dance contest to start the match. Why? Because this is WCW! Where we SHUT UP and WRESTLE!
BATB - DISCO INFERNO vs. THE CAT

Miller puts on his ruby red slippers and proceeds to have a rhythm-based seizure.
BATB - DISCO INFERNO vs. THE CAT

Tony calls Van Hammer one of the hottest young stars in our sport. Yeah, who needs Jericho when you've got Van Hammer! What's Tony's been sniffing?
BATB - RICK STEINER vs. VAN HAMMER

Steiner makes a COVER on the outside. He's hardcore! He's hardcore! Well, it's that or he's a moron. Take your pick.
BATB - RICK STEINER vs. VAN HAMMER

Why, that's TORRIE WILSON on David's arm! Tony speculates that her 72 hours with Nash are up, though Nash never really WON that match. And that doesn't explain why Torrie was still with Nash the following week. But Torrie's showing too much cleavage for me to complain about it.
BATB - DAVID FLAIR vs. DEAN MALENKO

Tony and Bobby display the wit and chemistry that has made them the third best PPV broadcast team in wrestling, just behind Ross/Lawler and Styles/nobody.
BASH AT THE BEACH

A FORKLIFT appears and grabs the car. The trunk opens again and Finley is out before the forklift even moves, but it takes the car to the car crusher and smashes it anyway. Someone tried to KILL Fit Finley! WHO DROVE THE FORKLIFT?! What? Not important? Okay.
BATB - *UNSANCTIONED* HARDCORE BATTLE ROYAL

Page climbs the top rope to celebrate and then seemingly fakes a fall to the floor. He either planned that or saved himself at the last second. He struts around with the Pee Wee Herman "I meant to do that" glow afterwards.
BATB - TRIAD vs. BENOIT/SATURN

Up next, it's our boxing match! Because this is WCW! Where we SHUT UP and... ahh, it's not worth it.
BASH AT THE BEACH

"Let's bring her own down. Judge Judy Bagwell!" Just when I thought this match had reached it's FULL suck potential they pull THIS? Ah yes, because if anyone can offset Ric Flair, it's JUDY BAGWELL!
BATB - BUFF BAGWELL vs. RODDY PIPER

A video package shows ample amounts of Gorgeous George's cleavage, Madusa's massive rack, shots of George's ass... oh, and some of the events that led up to the main event.
BASH AT THE BEACH

The 40 people that ordered this can get a free Bash at the Beach cooler if they send in their cable bill! And all it costs is sitting through this crap! Is it worth it? YOU decide!
BASH AT THE BEACH

That has to be one of the WORST pay-per-views in recent memory. I was more entertained by the In Your House where the power went out for over half the card.
BATB - FINAL THOUGHT

WHY NICOLE BASS SHOULD SIGN WITH WCW

My one and only strictly comedy piece; a parody of Bob Ryder's shameless shilling of why Chris Jericho should have chosen to remain with WCW last summer. Assuming I wasn't the victim of a cruel and hurtful hoax, the staff at WWF.com rather liked this one. Go see why!

"COME GET SOME" TAPE REVIEW

As you read this review, bear in mind that my choice was based solely on my desire to offer assistance to the masses. Well... that and I wanted to see some HOOTERS, baby! Melons, jugs, boobies, puppies, headlights, the dairy farm, nature's pillows! Woo Hoo!
COME GET SOME

Any potentially offensive comments I may make are meant strictly as jokes, not an attempt to use this as an outlet to express my hatred of women or my views that they should be looked upon only as sex objects. Well... as far as YOU know! Bwahahahaha!
COME GET SOME

Cole talks about Sable's career over various suggestive poses, including Sable in a wet t-shirt, Sable wearing nothing but a net over her breasts, Sable in a see-through top on the beach, and Sable naked except for some suds. Hey, I hope there's no KIDS seeing this video! Sable will surely be outraged!
COME GET SOME - SABLE

>From Sable's own mouth, it's the fans who made her a sex symbol. But if all those fans are kids, why pose naked when they can't see it? Jeez, do her lawyers know about this tape?
COME GET SOME - SABLE

The infamous footage from the bikini contest is shown! Woo Hoo! NIPPLES!
COME GET SOME - JACKIE

Road Dogg says he's friends with Chyna, they talk and spend time together... but none of the other women give Road Dogg the time of day. That's not how HE said it, of course, but it's the general idea.
COME GET SOME - CHYNA

She says she "broke her jaw" and dropped 30 pounds because she was unable to eat. See girls, there's no need to diet! Reconstructive jaw surgery is where it's at!
COME GET SOME - CHYNA

She tastes wine with the Frenchman and talks about how a cleansing breath after each sip is good. She actually says "lift your chest with me" to the man, nearly giving him a heart attack as he continues to avoid looking directly at her cleavage.
COME GET SOME - TERRI

Now Terri's stirring a bowl in the restaurant kitchen, where a French chef tells her to stir more forcefully as he blatantly watches her breasts shake. The poor guy probably doesn't see much play, so Terri does as requested even though she has to know what he's up to. She DOES have a good heart!
COME GET SOME - TERRI

She's wearing a thin white t-shirt with no bra, and anyone NOT staring directly at her protruding nipples has to be blind, because even women and gay men can't help but notice ‘em.
COME GET SOME - TORI

Tori says... something. I don't know. Her nipples have me hypnotized.
COME GET SOME - TORI

Join me next time when we'll take a look at "Girls of Hawaiian Tropic" or maybe a review of the soon-to-air Nitro Girls PPV special. Or... I suppose I could do something about WRESTLING next time. Suck all the fun out, why don'tcha. Jeez!
COME GET SOME - FINAL THOUGHT

RANDOM BULLSHIT

The title says it all. Witness the debut of my random topics closer, which has since found it's way into every column I've ever done.

NITRO GIRLS SWIMSUIT CALENDAR SPECIAL

An ad just before the event shows multiple cleavage shots with the announcer claiming "the Nitro Girls fulfill your wildest fantasies...". Let's get one thing straight... nowhere in my fantasies do girls take off their bikini tops or take their hands off their breasts as they turn away from the camera, just as it fades out. So if that's all this is, I'm going to be very disappointed.... So there had better be some bare breasts, exposed asses, or vibrator action for it to live up to the billing it's gotten. And if it falls short, rather than blame the girls for being teases, I'll put the blame squarely on Bischoff and WCW for hyping it like they did. Cool? Cool.
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

FYRE - the token redhead. In my personal opinion, her breasts are far too fake looking. Not too big... just so obviously fake that it ruins the image. They're not supposed to stick out at 90 degree angles. Damn!
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

"I'm Fyre. I have red hair. And I have a pretty hot temper." WOW! Only 10 bucks for this in-depth look into their lives?
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Kimberly doesn't think we know about all the work that goes into being a Nitro Girl. It's a good thing they're going to show us what it takes with this special about... oh yeah, about their breast implants and tight asses.
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

An ass comes into view... why, it's AC Jazz coming into the pool. And we're supposed to think she's TOPLESS! Because girls hang around each other naked all the time... where have you been?
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Chae's in front of a sunrise or a sunset. She's got on a mesh top... I see NIPPLES! YES! Maybe this won't be a total waste of my time.
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Then they talk about the nipple slip. But no FOOTAGE! SCREW YOU, WCW!
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Back at the pool, Kim's lying topless on her stomach while Fyre rubs lotion on her. I couldn't possibly be making this up... it's like a really bad porno movie. No plot, shitty dialogue, and NO SEX!
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Storm complains about the others having fun aboard the cruise ship while she and Fyre had to work out. Not fair! But surely, the workout turned into an "exploration" of each others bodies! Right? Right?!
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Oh yeah! IN THE SHOWER WITH CHAE! God bless you, Eric Bischoff!
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Chae removes all the seaweed, never once letting her hands stray from her breasts. It must be tough to get clean like that.
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Fyre holds a plastic ball that reminds me of her breasts.
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Chae and Fyre ride horses along the beach. You know how when you're riding a horse, there's usually a bouncing motion? Well, if you didn't, you wouldn't know by watching Fyre's breasts.
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Tygress suggests a game of truth or dare. I dare her to pull down Kimberly's trunks and give her a good... wait, we're off...
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

In the pool, (Kim's) still covering herself. She walks off, pulling her hands down, but not facing us. Bitch! No, wait... Bischoff SUCKS!
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Dolphins jump around the dock Fyre sits on, but Fyre is forced to remain in the same position. It's hard for her... but her breasts manage easily.
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Kim wants her to take advantage of the viewing audience and says Tygress should do her "booty shake". Tygress stands with her SIDE to the camera and shakes it. Wow! I certainly didn't want to see her backside as she did that! For that would have been pleasing!
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

"When two people come together, if the chemistry is there, it doesn't matter what gender you are... anything goes. There's nothing two people can do that's wrong." Hey Chae, how about MURDER? Rape? Robbery? Oh well. At least we know Chae's bi. That's almost worth ten bucks!
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Back to the two goofy white guys, who bitch about the weather during the shoot. They didn't know what to do while it rained. How about getting the girls in white t-shirts and rounding up a game of volleyball? Noooo! That would have required THINKING on your part! You sorry bastards!
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Kim says it's not WHO turns her on, but WHAT turns her on. So she's easy? Cool! It's music and candlelight if you ever want into Kim's panties. Getting some tattoos and not showering probably wouldn't hurt either.
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

We fade into "the most romantic place on Earth", according to Kimberly... NASSAU... Apparently Kim has never seen Paris. But she's married to DDP, what can you expect?
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Chae says the question they get asked most often is "who's your favorite wrestler?" Well, that's actually third just behind "how much for two of you?" and "can I play with your boobies?", which Mike Tenay never seems to quit asking.
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

The Nitro Girls apparently put on some sort of modern dance performance somewhere. If you're not hip to it, modern is slang for "crap".
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Fyre: "Everyone knows that I'm a wise ass... so it's only natural that Buff Bagwell is my favorite." What the HELL does that mean?
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Spice is lying topless in the sand, face down, with a little lace thing covering her ass. She raises up JUST enough to get a nipple peek as the camera pans away. God damn it! Work with me here!
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

Back at the pool, the girls are lined up in the pool with their backs to the camera and no straps across their backs. Kim tells us to keep watching for them... and they toss their tops towards the camera. Bah! Screw the whole lot of ya! Cock teases! Uh... I mean, WCW sucks ass! They BLOW! The sons of bitches!
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL

But for the pool crap, they had to be following a script... a script written by 6th graders... in the LD classes... who've suffered serious head trauma.
NITRO GIRLS SPECIAL - FINAL THOUGHT

ROAD WILD 1999

I am your hero, your role model, your paragon of virtue... "Kittenheart" Chris Jones-ico...
ROAD WILD

Tony hypes up the return of Hulk Hogan while I picture Tony going into a biker bar and getting the shit kicked out of him for wearing that outfit.
ROAD WILD

Clips of Booker T ruining his promising career for his family are shown. Saying "the reunion of Harlem Heat" would have also worked here.
ROAD WILD

Tenay discusses the possibility of "team rust" on Harlem Heat. Sure, blame both of them for Stevie sucking.
ROAD WILD - TRIAD VS. HARLEM HEAT

The Revolution enters to Saturn's music, because images of Marilyn Manson is exactly what you want to put in the head of several thousand drunken, violent bikers.
ROAD WILD - REVOLUTION VS. THE WEST TEXAS REDNECKS

Sonny's wearing a leather vest and no shirt, which would rock if it were Tammy Sytch. Unfortunately, it's a scrawny Japanese guy.
ROAD WILD - THE CAT VS. BUFF BAGWELL

Video clips show DDP learning that you don't talk about Benoit's mama. No, I'm serious.
ROAD WILD

Again discussing Hogan, Tony says "I think (the fans) always loved him. I don't think it ever left." I suppose the last few years have just been a bad dream to Tony, only he's gotten fatter while he slept.
ROAD WILD - DDP VS. CHRIS BENOIT

Bobby Heenan looks like a Dusty Rhodes Mini-Me in his outfit. Tony and Tenay just look gay.
ROAD WILD

A good close up of Steiner saying "Fuck you!" and flipping off the fans. He then grabs his balls and shakes them. I really needed to see that, thanks Rick.
ROAD WILD - GOLDBERG VS. RICK STEINER

Replays make me think Rick might have had a chance. Okay, you caught me, they didn't.
ROAD WILD - GOLDBERG VS. RICK STEINER

Video clips of Dennis Rodman embarrassing WCW are shown. And when you consider how much WCW embarrasses themselves, Rodman's accomplishments mean something!
ROAD WILD

Arli$$ claims that Rodman vs. Savage will break every PPV record. Bet he wishes he could take THAT back!
ROAD WILD

"Macho Man! You brought my ass all the way here to Sturgis, you wanna kick my ass, right? All I want to know is where's my bitch? Where's she at?" Macho responds. "Tonight, you're MY bitch! And everybody out here, I invite you to fight for sloppy seconds!" Something tells me it wouldn't be the first time a group of bikers fought over who got first crack at Rodman.
ROAD WILD - RANDY SAVAGE VS. DENNIS RODMAN

Savage pulls a guy out of the port-a-potty and puts Rodman inside. Savage tips it over and something's leaking out of it... oh, shit! Literally! What is it with Macho Man angles and the involvement of human feces? All he needs now is Sable as his valet.
ROAD WILD - RANDY SAVAGE VS. DENNIS RODMAN

I was a big Hogan fan as a kid, don't get me wrong, but you know what else I liked as a kid? Riding my bike. Eating peanut butter and jelly at every meal. Having my mom bring me water at night when I was thirsty. I grew out of all of that... well, my mom still gets me water...
ROAD WILD - HULK HOGAN VS. KEVIN NASH

The first big move of the match and it's a REST HOLD. What does that tell you?
ROAD WILD - HULK HOGAN VS. KEVIN NASH

Tony's voice cracks as he proclaims Hogan is the greatest athlete ever. Blow me, Tony.
ROAD WILD - HULK HOGAN VS. KEVIN NASH

TERRI RUNNELS' NIPPLE

The column that revolutionized professional wrestling as we know it! The column that brought peace to Middle East countries and an end to famine and starvation everywhere!

Well, not really. But there's a picture of Terri's nipple! What more can you ask for?

I'd be remiss to not mention that this was the [slash] wrestling 1999 COLUMN OF THE YEAR, by the way. And would you believe that I still get e-mail about this one? It's true, it's true!

FALL BRAWL 1999

My name is Chris Jones and I've got a question for you. Do you feel goose bumps all over your arms? Do you feel a tingling going up and down your spine? Is your heart pounding so loud in your chest that you can hear it? If you said yes then you've either partaken in some bad clams in the past 24 hours... or you're psyched for another World Championship Wrestling pay-per-view!!

For your sake, I hope it's the clams.
FALL BRAWL

And hey, despite the fact that Eric's only been gone for a few days, perhaps this event will be a sign that WCW's moving on to bigger and better things! Finally, the young stars will get their due while the company looks forward into the coming years. Tonight starts WCW's return to glory! Well... it's that or the harsh realization that this is going to be the same old crap. And I choose to think positive!
FALL BRAWL

We fade in to the... ahem... "jam packed" Lawrence Joel Coliseum in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Didn't they have under 3000 tickets sold around Thursday? But by using only half the arena and darkening out the upper decks... it feels like it's SOLD OUT!
FALL BRAWL

Rey removes the cap... he's BLONDE now?! Oh MAN, does he look gay.
FALL BRAWL - VAMPIRO/ICP VS. REY/EDDIE/KIDMAN

Kaz is sporting the evil Japanese goatee that's all the rage these days. Well, if you're evil and Japanese, I suppose.
FALL BRAWL - LENNY VS. KAZ HAYASHI

Even with the glitter and pink frills, Lenny and Lodi don't look as gay as Rey Mysterio did.
FALL BRAWL - LENNY VS. KAZ HAYASHI

Lodi's signs include "West Hollywood Blondes" and Lenny is actually announced as being from West Hollywood. Tenay confirms that and says that it's fine with him if they want to call themselves the West Hollywood Blondes. That whirring sound you hear is Brian Pillman spinning in his grave.
FALL BRAWL - LENNY VS. KAZ HAYASHI

He lifts Kaz up and drops him on all fours, still holding the waistlock... and now GRINDING it. Not a minute in and we're mimicking sodomy. THIS is WCW!
FALL BRAWL - LENNY VS. KAZ HAYASHI

Video clips show us the problems between Rick Steiner and Saturn, as both men fight for the title "ugliest mofo in wrestling".
FALL BRAWL

Another wrestler has stepped up to face Berlyn, but nobody knows who it is. PLEASE let it be Barry Horowitz! Imagine the multi-leveled irony!
FALL BRAWL - RICK STEINER VS. SATURN

Man, this sucks. Hacksaw fought back from cancer for THIS?
FALL BRAWL - BERLYN VS. HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN

They shake hands and then bump fists, cause they're cool guys and that's what cool guys do. Well, that and sitting in the back eatin' fruit.
FALL BRAWL - HULK HOGAN VS. STING

Hey, if you ordered Fall Brawl, send in your cable bill for an EXCLUSIVE Fall Brawl stadium seat cushion! Because when there's such a low turnout at a pay-per-view, we ALL benefit!
FALL BRAWL

The ad for Halloween Havoc features the line "watch the horror unfold". So fitting for a WCW event... it's scary!
FALL BRAWL

HALLOWEEN HAVOC 1999

And for your information, I was working on a piece about how Jeff Jarrett was quickly becoming my favorite wrestler alive... up until that fateful day I saw "Jarrett Set To Jump" at 1wrestling.com. But I'll sum the article up for you... EVERY man, at some point in his life, has wanted to say "get in the kitchen and make me some supper" to a woman. And if you deny it, you're LYING!
HALLOWEEN HAVOC

His entire outfit looks like it came from something that was once alive. Fur is murder, Disco!
HALLOWEEN HAVOC - DISCO INFERNO VS. LASH LEROUX

My goodness, I haven't seen Kimberly in an angle with this sort of drama and intrigue since the Evad Sullivan dinner date.
HALLOWEEN HAVOC

Tony says this has all the makings of a great match. Yeah, if Benoit goes to get a wheelbarrow so he can CARRY Steiner's worthless ass.
HALLOWEEN HAVOC - CHRIS BENOIT VS. RICK STEINER

Lex is out in his tear-away sweat gear and Liz has the same dress on she did when she unmasked after the funeral sketch. Has she run through her "post-implant" wardrobe already?
HALLOWEEN HAVOC - LEX LUGER VS. BRET HART

They trade hiptoss attempts until they BOTH fall over the top rope to the floor. WHO WON? WHO'S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA?! Jeez, I gotta stop doing that.
HALLOWEEN HAVOC - LEX LUGER VS. BRET HART

Again, I need some clarification. WCW has Kimberly, Torrie, Gorgeous George, Elizabeth, and numerous Nitro Girls... ALL who are attractive and who have large breasts... but Vince and Ed want the aging, cottage cheese thighed Madusa to flaunt her stuff on every show? These are the same guys who had Mae Young stripped down to her underwear, by the way. If I didn't know better, I'd say this bizarre obsession with old women and incest angles points to something troubling in one of their pasts.
HALLOWEEN HAVOC

The commentators are putting Sid over huge for his guts, despite the fact that he JUST started bleeding. If you're trying to make a turn for Sid, at least wait to hype his bravery until he DOES SOMETHING BRAVE.
HALLOWEEN HAVOC - GOLDBERG VS. SID VICIOUS

Well, Bob Ryder was either drunk or stoned as he wrote up his hype for the show. A grand total of NO things he said would happen actually did, right down to the internet reaction to the show and the non-appearance of a "controversial personality". Although he did say some people would hate the show... I'm willing to be THAT one came true!
HALLOWEEN HAVOC - FINAL THOUGHT

WAL-MART, MARKS, AND BOOBS! OH MY!"

The article where I brought attention to the decline in wrestling discussion on the internet, prompting the Senate investigation that's currently ongoing. Actually, I just made fun of some stupid people at MarkMadden.com.

This column might rival the Nipple as the one I've gotten the most mail about, mainly due to my Kevin Smith related question. You'll be happy to know that I've since broadened my horizons and seen several more of his movies.

WCW MAYHEM 1999

Bobby comments on how Jarrett is the superior wrestler, pretty much calling him the greatest wrestler alive in the process. I shall not argue!
MAYHEM - JEFF JARRETT VS. CHRIS BENOIT

Hold on... if Jarrett's in with these new writers, who once made Buff Bagwell lose to La Parka, why didn't they write it so Jarrett won the match? I'm so confused!
MAYHEM - JEFF JARRETT VS. CHRIS BENOIT

They zoom in on a "What Canadians Watch" sign... Canada doesn't equal many ratings points, eh?
MAYHEM - DISCO INFERNO VS. EVAN KARAGIAS

Evan throws Disco inside as Tony joins the broadcast table, doing an Italian impression that makes Tommy Rich look like Marlon Brando.
MAYHEM - DISCO INFERNO VS. EVAN KARAGIAS

Skinny Italian Tony (as opposed to Fat American Tony) says his father sent him to collect Disco's debts. If Tommy Rich IS the dad, this will be the GREATEST ANGLE EVER!
MAYHEM - DISCO INFERNO VS. EVAN KARAGIAS

Mean Gene's standing by with Nor-man Smi-lay, who's on-screen appearance draws a crowd pop. See, he's from England and there was one guy in the Hart Foundation from England, so logic dictates that Canada likes Norman. It's either that or Norman is just plain over... but everything is geographical with these people. (And don't write me letters... I can say "these people" because I once met a Canadian and as such, I'm now able to comment on them as a whole. They're really not that different from you and I. I'm kidding, of course. Canadians are so sensitive!)
MAYHEM

Tony claims this match is "hard to watch" because of all the brutality. Well, he's partly right.
MAYHEM - NORMAN SMILEY VS. BRIAN KNOBS

Kidman claims Torrie will rip off the Revolution's units and use them as toothpicks if she has to. So she likes having units in her mouth? That's good to know.
MAYHEM

Douglas leaps onto the apron and distracts the ref and Saturn hits a low blow! Torrie crumples to the mat and Saturn covers! 1, 2, 3! My God, Torrie has TESTICLES! Ugh! Puke! Blech!
MAYHEM - THE REVOLUTION VS. THE FILTHY ANIMALS

Wait, here comes THE TOTAL NARCISSIST & LIZBET to the ring! Elizabeth is jogging and bouncing but the camera pans to Luger?! Come ON!
MAYHEM - BRET HART VS. STING

Bret's a hero who fights dirty, kicks people in the nuts, and calls guys "pussies", so you can bet he doesn't want to win like this.
MAYHEM - BRET HART VS. STING

Lex can't wrestle tonight but to avoid letting his fans down, he's going to cut them all a check so they get their money's worth. Hey, I'm a HUGE Total Package fan! Make it out to Chris Jones, care of... bah, forget it.
MAYHEM

Liz doesn't sound happy. I'm not happy either... Elizabeth was never shown from the front ONCE during this interview!
MAYHEM

Due to his injuries after being powerbomed through a cardboard stage, Steiner has been forced to forfeit the TV title to Scott Hall. Yeah! Hall's old, has hardly wrestled this year, and has little effect on ratings. Let's give him TWO titles! Of course, this is worlds better than STEINER getting two belts.
MAYHEM

Scott (Hall) tries cutting a promo but he's sober and thus doesn't make any sense.
MAYHEM

David Flair is somewhere backstage... ahem... polishing his crowbar. No, really. What did you think I meant? But it's funny, if I was about to wrestle Kimberly, I'd polish my crowbar AFTER the match.
MAYHEM

Then the lights go out! BONG! MY GOD, THE UNDERTAKER IS IN WCW! No wait, it's that black chick again. That always fools me!
MAYHEM - SCOTT HALL VS. BOOKER T

Kim tries playing coy with Dave and reaches for his fly. Suggesting oral sex on a wrestling show? SOMEBODY GET BOB RYDER ON THE PHONE! Wait, he's probably there... and he's probably polishing his crowbar.
MAYHEM - KIMBERLY VS. DAVID FLAIR

Video clips show us the history between Sid and Goldberg. So they did the "Sid bleeds but keeps fighting" bit last month... is tonight the "Sid passes out rather than quit" portion of the "let's pitifully re-create the Steve Austin face turn" plan?
MAYHEM

Mike Tenay talks with Sid. Sid doesn't plan on saying "I Quit". C'mon, NEVER say "I Quit" in your pre-match interview just before an I Quit match!
MAYHEM

WCW COMES TO KANSAS

My experience at a WCW house show in December 1999, including my meeting Jeff Jarrett and my sexual encounter with Kimberly and Torrie Wilson!

(One of the above isn't true, but you'll have to read to find out which one!)

STARRCADE 1999

Can you believe it... it's the 6th WCW event you and I have shared together. It all started back at the legendary Bash at the Beach and we've taken part of every pay-per-view since... not to mention various T&A specials and the like. I don't know about you, but I'll never forget the memories and all the friends I've made. (*Sniff*) And hey, maybe next year you can start chipping in on the cost every now and then! I'm not made of money, you greedy bastards!
STARRCADE

But do you know what could really put this show over the top? BREASTS! That's right! Why let the WWF have all the fun? Let's see some boobies tonight! And I ain't talking Ed Ferrara's. Good God, man, keep your shirt on!
STARRCADE

But enough of this petty banter! We didn't come to talk... we came to ROCK! Right? Right?! No? Okay.
STARRCADE

How much do you want to bet that Ed Ferrara wanted this angle to end up with either Madusa being Evan's mother or Evan realizing how bad he wanted his actual mother?
STARRCADE - EVAN KARAGIAS VS. MADUSA

Madusa gets knocked to the floor and Evan climbs to the top... cross body! Evan is BRILLIANT... he can land on her chest and not be injured at all!
STARRCADE - EVAN KARAGIAS VS. MADUSA

Vampiro and the Misfits stand victorious, because it takes FIVE FUCKING PEOPLE to subdue one of the writers. I can't wait until we see Russo wrestle... and you KNOW that's coming.
STARRCADE - VAMPIRO VS. OKLAHOMA

I guess Nash is going over here, since we know he doesn't show up at Starrcade unless he's winning.
STARRCADE - KEVIN NASH VS. SID VICIOUS

TERRI'S OTHER NIPPLE

This follow-up to the Nipple came shortly after the original was named the [slash] wrestling 1999 COLUMN OF THE YEAR. It also contains my horrifying tale of dental procedures gone wrong, which has prevented me from reading this one again as I don't wish to bring those unfortunate memories back to the surface.

I'm such a weenie.

SOULED OUT 2000

The Vampiro attack from the pre-game show is shown again. Vampiro wanted both guys in the ring, so they made it a 3-way match... as calling it a "handicap match" might offend somebody.
SOULED OUT

Dave hits a back suplex on his partner and then kisses Daffney with the sort of passion that makes Triple H and Stephanie look like they're filming porn scenes on Raw.
SOULED OUT - DAVID FLAIR VS. VAMPIRO VS. CROWBAR

Backstage we find Madusa, her massive rack, and Spice talking about how sick they are of Oklahoma. I think it's jealousy because Ed's breasts are bigger than Madusa's.
SOULED OUT

Madusa knocks Oklahoma outside and pours the sauce on him as Spice and Asya hold him still. I guess sistas are doin' it for themselves. Or something. Who cares?
SOULED OUT - MADUSA VS. OKLAHOMA

Just to sum up, the only two singles champions in WCW right now are Brian Knobs and Ed Ferrara. Viva WCW!
SOULED OUT

Booker enters wearing the GAYEST OUTFIT EVER! Seriously, it looks like a giant condom.
SOULED OUT - BOOKER T VS. STEVIE RAY

I guess the underlying angle in this one would be... who GOT the hummer? (Rim shot!) Thanks, folks, I'll be here all week.
SOULED OUT - DDP VS. BUFF BAGWELL

Page hammers Buff a little more as Kimberly watches with a vacant stare and no emotion... or, in other words, how she normally looks.
SOULED OUT - DDP VS. BUFF BAGWELL

Tenay: "The locker room has emptied! That's the respect they have for these two men!" Needless to say, there's only about 8 people standing there as Tenay says that.
SID VICIOUS VS. CHRIS BENOIT

SUPERBRAWL 2000

A big fat congrats to my sister Pamela and my main homey Mikey on the birth of my niece Lauren. This didn't relate to this recap in the least until I mentioned that I was off to watch WCW and the baby, barely a few weeks old, looked at me and said "you WATCH that crap?" Straight out of the mouth of babes, my friends.
SUPERBRAWL

Jarrett leads the crew off as the nWo girls continue a proud tradition by flirting with Gene. Anyone want to give me odds on Woman's baby really being Okerlund's?
SUPERBRAWL

It boggles the mind to think of the balls it must have taken to actually put into writing that the Demon would be wrestling in main events. You can switch "balls" with "mind-numbing stupidity", if you wish.
SUPERBRAWL

Knobs rolls outside and covers! 1, 2, 3!! THE CROWD GOES APESHIT!!! Okay, you caught me, they didn't.
SUPERBRAWL - BRIAN KNOBS VS. BAM BAM BIGELOW

Shane reaches his feet and bends over as Norman walks up behind him to smack him up and do him in the butt. The San Francisco crowd, as you might imagine, pops HUGE for the implied sodomy!
SUPERBRAWL - NORMAN SMILEY VS. 3 COUNT

Demon does the Gene Simmons blood drooling and Madden wonders what exactly the substance is. Tony suggests that Mark isn't up on his "KISS-tory". Shoot me now. Please.
SUPERBRAWL - THE DEMON VS. THE WALL

Tank crouches next to Al, holding a knife to his throat and saying "I could fucking KILL you!". WHAT... THE... FUCK?! Is this really happening? They quickly pan away and Tony claims it was scissors (wrong) and that Tank wanted to cut off Al's beard (what beard?).
SUPERBRAWL - TANK ABBOTT VS. BIG AL

Biggs grabs the stick and tells us we're looking at the NEW New Harlem Heat Incorporated. Everybody's all hugs as they exit. What does it say when Stevie Ray is the most talented wrestler in a group?
SUPERBRAWL - BOOKER T VS. BIG T

Madden says something about Daffney's breasts. He probably didn't mention that his are bigger than hers, but it's the truth.
SUPERBRAWL - THE MAMALUKES VS. DAVID/CROWBAR

Flair makes his way down with the determination of a man who's only at this show because he can't get out of his contract.
SUPERBRAWL - RIC FLAIR VS. TERRY FUNK

Madden says something about a chop and Terri's nipple... now he's ripping ME off!! Wait, he probably meant "Terry's nipple", not "Terri's". Never mind.
SUPERBRAWL - RIC FLAIR VS. TERRY FUNK

Hulk promises to make Luger's arm go snap, crackle, pop... and if Liz gets involved, he'll break HER in half and feed her to Lex! Hey, if anybody's gonna eat Liz around here, it's gonna be ME, pal.
SUPERBRAWL

They didn't mention it... but don't forget about next month's event! Because when you think things can't get any worse, there's always Uncensored!
SUPERBRAWL

UNCENSORED 2000

As the Prince enters we see some clips that try to fool us into thinking there's an interesting angle behind this match.
UNCENSORED - THE ARTIST VS. PSYCHOSIS

Psycho enters as we get a good look at the horribly ugly shirt the Artist plans to wrestle in. Hey Artist, my dad called, he wants his pajama top back.
UNCENSORED - THE ARTIST VS. PSYCHOSIS

The announcers try in vain to find something Candido's done worth mentioning (I guess Tammy doesn't count)...
UNCENSORED - THE ARTIST VS. PSYCHOSIS

Tenay actually starts to introduce Norman and the Demon as (Miss Hancock) enters, because the Nitro Girl theme sounds SO much like "God of Thunder".
UNCENSORED - XS VS. NORMAN/DEMON

Norman's music starts up and Norman bends over so Miss Hancock can smack him up and do him in the butt. So, what... she doesn't take it that way? Tease.
UNCENSORED - XS VS. NORMAN/ DEMON

Mean Gene talks with Brian Knobs. Knobs dedicates his match to Crowbar and Bam Bam. WOW! A Brian Knobs match! The gift that keeps on giving!
UNCENSORED

Tenay: "And all of a sudden, respectability just came back to the WCW hardcore division in the form of the new champ Brian Knobs". When putting a title on Brian Knobs means it gains credibility, I think it's time to rethink things.
UNCENSORED - BRIAN KNOBS VS. 3 COUNT

See, if Booker added two E's to the T, then it'd still sound like "Booker T" and he wouldn't have to worry about lawsuits over the use of just the T. The legal advice is free... this time.
UNCENSORED - BOOKER/KIDMAN VS. NEW HARLEM HEAT

See, in a nutshell, Kidman be messin' wit' his bitch and not watchin' Booka's back, so Booka ain't pleased and Kidman's all "calm down" and Torrie's all "what-EVER".
UNCENSORED - BOOKER/KIDMAN VS. NEW HARLEM HEAT

Tony: "Booker is a 1 man assault team!" Tag to Kidman. Tony: "This is real teamwork!" Only Tony can contradict himself in consecutive statements.
UNCENSORED - BOOKER/KIDMAN VS. NEW HARLEM HEAT

The fans swarm the cameras and Vamp opts to celebrate in the crowd since trying to get away would be impossible. They pull to a wide shot... LOOK AT THE EMPTY SEATS!
UNCENSORED - VAMPIRO VS. FIT FINLEY

"Keep it burning. Ya earned my respect tonight, I beat it into you and I got it from ya. That's all I've got to say. They're always stealin' me Lucky Charms!" Okay, he didn't say that last part... but I was hoping he would. That or maybe the always classic "cause I'm bizarre".
UNCENSORED - FIT FINLEY INTERVIEW

Flair starts off his interview by putting Luger over. Odd that Ric will do that now, but he wouldn't 10 years ago.
UNCENSORED

If Steiner was the "insurance policy", why didn't he HELP JARRETT WIN THE MATCH? Steiner is a waste of perfectly good chemicals!
UNCENSORED - SID VICIOUS VS. JEFF JARRETT

WRESTLEMANIA 2000

Snickers brings you WrestleMania! And, if you eat too many, a fat ass!
WRESTLEMANIA

Moolah tries covering Terri's ass with her jacket as they escape. That's IT? GO STRAIGHT TO HELL, WWF!
WRESTLEMANIA - KAT VS. TERRI

JR: "Tori has a terminal case of ass breath, thanks to Rikishi!" Eh, I'd still do her.
WRESTLEMANIA - ROAD DOGG/X-PAC VS. KANE/RIKISHI

Stephanie taking a Rock Bottom while wearing that top was pretty dangerous. "Dangerous" meaning "too bad her boobs didn't pop out".
WRESTLEMANIA - TRIPLE H VS. ROCK VS. BIG SHOW VS. MICK FOLEY

SPRING STAMPEDE 2000

But on the other hand, Jeff Jarrett IS still in the main event... and we know Russo likes the ladies, and that's sure to mean plenty of cleavage shots from Kimberly, Torrie, and the like... so things can't be ALL bad. If Double J's packing the gold and girls like Kimberly's are packing their funbags into a tight top, I could give a shit about everything else, baby!
SPRING STAMPEDE

Also tonight, the referees have been told to relax the DQ rules. You know what that means! BRING ON THE SCREWJOBS!
SPRING STAMPEDE

Up next... Jimmy Hart vs. Mancow! BREAK OUT THE VCR!!!
SPRING STAMPEDE

So it only takes two moves to beat Ernest Miller? Man, the Cat is a pussy. (Haha! Get it? The Cat is a... bah, leave me alone.)
SPRING STAMPEDE - MIKE AWESOME VS. THE CAT

The only way Shane Douglas qualifies as "new blood" is if he happens to be on the same transfusion plan as Keith Richards.
SPRING STAMPEDE

That was a nice little match, that was. But a clean finish? Who booked this crap?
SPRING STAMPEDE - BOOKER T VS. STING

Eric picks up a chair as Hulk chokes him up against a vanity mirror. OH MY GOD!!! THE WARRIOR IS IN THE MIRROR!!! Okay, not really.
SPRING STAMPEDE

For the second straight year, Scott Steiner wins the finals of a US title tourney at Spring Stampede. Hey, Scott! You've done NOTHING for an entire year! Way to go, man!
SPRING STAMPEDE - SCOTT STEINER VS. STING

They brawl up into the crowd. Thanks to the crack WCW production crew, watching them is like playing Where's Waldo.
SPRING STAMPEDE - JEFF JARRETT VS. DDP

Russo hugs Kimberly. That's right, who cares if her turn doesn't make sense... RUSSO GETS TO TOUCH HER!
SPRING STAMPEDE - JEFF JARRETT VS. DDP

SLAMBOREE 2000

Paisley pulls Tammy's dress off... that ace bandage thing was her underwear? And she's got the panties to match?! Good LORD, has she been trading undies with my grandmother?
SLAMBOREE - CHRIS CANDIDO VS. THE ARTIST

"Deja Vu, just a different crapper." And with that one line, Terry Funk sums up an entire show!
SLAMBOREE - TERRY FUNK VS. NORMAN/RALPHUS

The Royals jersey gets removed... AHHHH!!! RALPHUS ASS CRACK!!! RALPHUS ASS CRACK!!! I'M BLIND!!!
SLAMBOREE - TERRY FUNK VS. NORMAN/RALPHUS

And if Raphus was Norman's "perfect" partner, are we to believe that Norman Smiley is retarded? SLAMBOREE - TERRY FUNK VS. NORMAN/RALPHUS

Man, I have NEVER liked Shawn Stasiak. C'mon, the guy couldn't get over when his gimmick was SCREWING TERRI RUNNELS.
SLAMBOREE - SHAWN STASIAK VS. CURT HENNIG

"From now on you address me by my real name. Hugh... G.... Rection. Captain Rection, for short." Holy lord. Will they rename the other MIA members, too? Imagine "Phil Atio" and "Dick Goesinya" being in Hugh's corner.
SLAMBOREE - SCOTT STEINER VS. CAPTAIN RECTION

Hugh gets locked in a bear hug. Arm drops once! Twice! But not three! No, sir! THIS HUGH G RECTION WON'T STAY DOWN!
SLAMBOREE - SCOTT STEINER VS. CAPTAIN RECTION

The announcers tell us that it's not about wins or losses. So why have matches?
SLAMBOREE

Chuck has on the same tights and kneepads as Luger. Gee, a WCW wrestler who's gimmick is a rip-off of somebody else's? What will Shawn Stasiak, Buzzkill, Juvi, and Oklahoma have to say?
SLAMBOREE - LEX LUGER VS. BUFF BAGWELL

If you're wondering, Eric comes in just behind Steve Austin and just ahead of Tammy Sytch on the "large gut after a return to TV" scale. But, of course, Big T has them ALL beat.
SLAMBOREE

Kimberly follows Bischoff down because it's extremely important to the storyline that she be there, just in case you thought Bischoff was stroking his own ego by giving himself a hot valet.
SLAMBOREE - HULK HOGAN VS. KIDMAN

GREAT AMERICAN BASH 2000

The Filthy Animals get their curtain dropping entrance, which is really... what's the word... oh yeah... GAY.
GAB - LT. LOCO VS. DISCO INFERNO

If YOU bought the Great American Bash... you can get a FREE Hulkster inflatable raft! WOW! I find this gift choice odd since the way the ship of WCW is sailing right now, I wouldn't be handing out the rafts too quickly.
GREAT AMERICAN BASH

Kanyon stares straight ahead from the ramp. Somebody get that man a drool cup!
GAB - MIKE AWESOME VS. DDP

Kanyon takes off his t-shirt... he's got a New Blood shirt on! SOMEBODY TURNED ON DDP AT A PPV!! WE'VE NEVER SEEN THAT! WHAT A SWERVE!!!
GAB - MIKE AWESOME VS. DDP

Anyway, Kanyon's positive he took Page out because he's "Positively Kanyon". Ha ha. Oh, my sides. Whoa. Ha ha. Let me catch my breath.
GREAT AMERICAN BASH

Nash is entering levels of courage in (the figure four) only seen before by Vince Russo!
GAB - KEVIN NASH VS. JEFF JARRETT

Madden and Tony talk about how nobody saw this coming just as we zoom in on a sign reading "Goldberg -IS- New Blood". Seems SOMEBODY saw it coming.
GAB - KEVIN NASH VS. JEFF JARRETT

Well... that's it! A whole year's worth of crap squished down to that. If you're not sick of me by now, be sure to check out my two latest features... Bash at the Beach 2000 and my anniversary column The Jones Zone... which were both too late to include in this.

I'll see you back here for New Blood Rising, the upcoming WWF Divas tape (which I'm getting a FREE COPY OF! Go me!), and we'll probably be back year in a year to run down the wacky hijinks from 2000.

Thanks for reading! And at the risk of sounding gay, lame, and/or both... it's really been fun this past year, interacting and discussing things with everyone who corresponds. So if you haven't already, drop me a line and say hi. If nothing else stems from you letter, I've been known to give out FREE PORN!

Adios!