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Chris Jones

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Greetings, people!

First off, despite the title, this column doesn't actually include any nippleage... so if that's what you're looking for, you'll want to look elsewhere. A good place to look, for example, would be the [slash] wrestling COLUMN OF THE YEAR entitled "Terri Runnels' Nipple", the work that preceded what you're currently reading.

While I'm on the subject, thanks to everyone who helped make that particular piece such a phenomenal and unmatched success. It just goes to show you... there's a LOT more perverts reading things here than I would have thought! And in the grand tradition of the late Owen Hart, until this time next year I refer to myself as the "Column of the Year Award Winning Chris Jones", so you'd better get used to it. And hey, does writing the column of the year make me the "columnist of the year"? Well, I don't know... but rest assured that I'll pretend like it does!

About now you should be thinking "if there's no nipples in this... what IS in it?" Good question! This time around I'm going to share with you a non-wrestling related story of my personal torture and suffering, we'll take a look at a new and fantastic website that appears to be having some legal troubles, and since I've again started receiving mail about the nipple column we'll follow up on some things from that.

So grab yourself a can of Surge and a bag of Fritos, 'cause we're ready to get going!

Chris' Tale of Woe

As promised, we'll first take a look at my personal story of suffering and trauma... which I think many of you may be able to relate to. It all began about a year ago when, during a routine visit, my dentist said I should get all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed. He gave me information and a number to call and that sort of thing, but I've been putting it off ever since then... mainly because 1) I didn't want to do it, and 2) I really had no free time for the 4-5 days of recovery they said it might take. I'm a busy man, you understand.

You should also know that in my 20+ years on the planet, I've never had any sort of oral work done on me. Wait... that doesn't sound right. Okay, I've never had someone perform an oral procedure on... that doesn't sound right, either. Um... I've never had a cavity or a tooth removed or anything like that. There, that's what I meant.

But I finally figured that I needed to get it done, so I cleared some time and made the appointment for January 3rd, this past Monday, just after the new year celebration. In the weeks before the procedure, I had to choose the painkilling method I wanted to use... either an I.V. to totally knock me out, or laughing gas which would keep me awake but stoned enough that I wouldn't care. I'm no wimp by any means, but if it's between getting a needle in your arm or painless gas... I'm going with the gas.

Shortly after I made that decision, I received some brochures about the removal process in the mail. While reading it I noticed that the laughing gas description included "a local anesthetic", which they hadn't mentioned to me. I say to my girlfriend...

Me: Local anesthetic? What's that?

Her: It means you get a shot in your mouth to numb it. But if you're under the gas, you don't even feel it.

Me: Oh. Okay.

So the day finally arrives. I arrive 9 a.m. sharp with my man Mikey, who you met during my house show recap, because I needed someone to drive me home afterwards. They strap me down to the table and apply the gas.

Nurse: Now breathe this slowly and we'll be in to start in about 5 minutes.

Me: Okay.

So I breathe... only I'm not really feeling any different. 5 minutes goes by and the dentist walks in, but I'm still at about 97% alertness. I pinched my arm just to test... I felt it. I pinched my cheek... I felt it. I see them putting the instruments on my chest and I begin to think that I may have picked the wrong painkiller method. Just as I'm about to say something, the dentist speaks up.

Dentist: Now we're going to numb the areas. You might feel a little sting.

Ahh, the local! I'd be okay after all. The dude reaches in with his needle and pokes my upper-left cheek. I feel it but I'm tough. Then I feel it again... and again... and again. FOUR needles! Then he pulls the needle out and moves to my upper-RIGHT cheek. Sting... sting... sting... sting. EIGHT needles! By now, I'm slightly pissed. I mean... if they'd told me about this, I'd have taken the damn I.V.!

The dentist again says I might feel a sting... and he gives me two needles in the ROOF of my mouth! What the hell is THAT all about? By now, I'm almost passed out due to sheer disbelief. They go on to give me eight MORE injections in the lower part of my mouth for a grand total of EIGHTEEN FUCKING SHOTS! I think I tried saying "you lying cocksuckers", but it came out as "mmmpppbllaaaa."

The entire thing only took about a half hour. After I was done a nurse started giving me instructions on how to replace the gauze they'd stuffed into my mouth, but I was still so blown away by the situation that I was hardly paying attention. She told me to take some Advil when I got home, gave me a little toothbrush and a sheet of instructions, then pushed me out into the waiting room. It had been empty when I got there, but now it was almost full. I saw at least 2 or 3 kids looking at me dazed and with gauze sticking out of my mouth, an image which probably scared them for life when it comes to visiting the dentist.

Mike hopped up and, seeing the kids gawking, said to me "What did I tell you about eating all that candy?" I swear one of the kids let out an audible gasp. If I'd been able to, I would have laughed pretty good at that one. We headed off to my place.

The instructions they gave me said to change the gauze every 30-45 minutes, but it had been nearly 15 and the ends were already soaked red. They shortly began dripping blood, so I went ahead and changed them. My sister Christina (Zeta-Jones) arrived with these pills that the dentist prescribed for the pain. I tried taking an Advil as they'd said, but with my mouth completely numb I couldn't even hold water in my mouth... forget about getting a pill in there, drinking, and swallowing the water. My mouth stayed that way for about 5 hours, at least 2 hours past whatever the dentist had given me for pain wore off... so I was hurting pretty bad for a while. But finally I was able to keep enough water in there to get a pain pill down.

Now about these pills... I forget what they're called, but they're some sort of narcotic mixed with advil. They get rid of the pain, sure enough, but they also make me dizzy and wanting to puke... that is, when they don't knock me completely out. I was barely awake enough to catch the Monday night shows that night. The pills also have certain other side-effects that I won't get into... but as a hint, I was watching the Playboy Channel and actually got bored.

Most of the week was spent eating Jell-o and mashed potatoes, when I was actually awake. I had a follow-up visit coming up on Friday and I wasn't really feeling any better from day to day. I had to get a refill on the pain pills, which the dentist's office had the nerve to question. The follow-up visit arrived and I was again back on the chair of death. The nurse stuck some plastic thing into the hole in my gums on the lower right side, squirting warm water in to "clear things out". She tried again on the left side but seemed to be having trouble, so she called in the dentist.

They said nothing to me the entire time, but I heard the dentist say "when it closes up like that, you've got to make a hole". He proceeded to open up the closed hole in my gum, squirt it with water, and then stuff BOTH lower holes with something I can only describe as shoelaces soaked in iodine. It was gauze the width of a shoelace and about 7 inches in length... and they CRAMMED IT into the holes!

They sat me up and said they'd need to see me again on Monday to remove and replace the gauze they'd stuck into the holes... but they still hadn't told me what the hell the deal was! Why were they sticking this stuff in my mouth? "Oh," she said. "You have two dry sockets, so we'll need to keep that gauze changed regularly." They then pushed me out the door, not bothering to tell me what a dry socket IS. I've since looked it up on the internet and it seems a dry socket is when the blood doesn't clot around the hole and the bone is exposed. Usually it's caused by something such as eating the wrong foods during recovery, which I most definitely did not do. But the best part is that, according to what I read, the act of putting the gauze into the hole is usually painful enough to require a shot to numb the area first! They didn't even ASK me if I wanted a shot!

My question... if they had to poke a friggin' HOLE into my gums, how and where was it exposed in the first place? The lousy bastards!

So I've got to head back Monday for more of the "treatment". I'm royally pissed with the entire operation. If there's any dentists reading this, e-mail me and give me specific examples of malpractice out of what I mentioned so that I can sue. Moving on...

(I had this done back in the day - Jones, you REALLY missed out on the Demerol. Trust me on this one, babe. You sleep for 23 HOURS after you get home - it's bitchin'. The Fiorinal's pretty cool, too. Oh wait, this isn't MY column. Sorry. - CRZ)

WCW Sucks

A website recently came to my attention as sort of a joke, where someone said "Hey! Check out this official site!" and it's actually anything but. I'm not sure how long it's been out there, and for all I know another columnist on the [slash] has already discussed it, but I first came across VinceRusso.com about a month ago. At the time the site was a basic design that basically took past quotes of Russo's, such as his feelings on Mexican and Japanese wrestlers, and used them to make Vince look like an idiot. I got a laugh from it.

Now it seems the site has taken the design of WCW.com and has continued with the same Anti-Russo policy. For example, a link to a Nitro review states "Nitro: Yes... it was that bad!". Aside from things like that, the site features original banners such as one for the non-existent SeanStasiak.com, complete with a picture of a tape recorder and microphone, and ads for "Moolah Naked" and Taz foot lifts. It also features a doctored video cover for the Nitro Girls swimsuit calender special that features two chicks making out, and it has replaced WCW.com links to the Nitro Girls section, live event calendar, and the like to sites such as Penthouse and Hustler.

I, for one, get a kick out of this site... so you can imagine my rage and anger when I learned that WCW sent a letter to the webmaster, demanding that the site be closed and the domain actually turned over to the real Vince Russo! I won't reprint the letter here, as you can find it at the page, but one section is worth mentioning. The letter makes mention of the site's linking to "pornographic web sites", then says that Vince Russo "expressly disagrees" with such content. Bwahahahahahahaha!!! Vince "T&A is my thing" Russo is offended by a link to Penthouse? Come ON!

I'd call for a call to action against the evil WCW for their bulling tactics against this site, but it seems the owner of the site isn't worried. While WCW's lawyers are claiming he violated certain US laws, the webmaster is Canadian and claims the laws don't apply to him. Is he right? Who knows? But it's a good enough excuse for me!

Do yourselves a favor and visit VinceRusso.com today. You'll be glad you did!

The Nipple Revisited

As I said earlier, since the [slash] wrestling COLUMN OF THE YEAR has become fresh again, I thought we'd take a look back and follow-up on some things said during the column. We'll start with a quick update on things mentioned during the e-mail portion...

  • Hogan still sucks, the nWWWo still hasn't responded to my application, I still neither have nor deserve my own [slash] archive, I still prefer Ashlyn Gere, and Tiffany DID eventually flame me... but I had to swear to never reprint it.

  • Getting into the meat of things, there's nothing new to report on the "Chae's a dyke" story. Most reports say she's dating Kevin Nash now, so that should put that rumor to rest once and for all.

  • Despite discussions I had with many readers, I still stand by my theory that the Rock had a stick of Secret in his bag. I've compared a stick of Secret to the picture and the colors match exactly. Until someone else can say what that item is, it's Secret and the Rock's a big pussy!

  • I STILL don't get UPN in my area, but a local FOX channel repeats Smackdown! around 1 a.m. on Sundays. So as long as I set the VCR I get to see the show eventually.

  • Office Space still rules. In correction news, it was a printer they smashed in the field, and it seems only one Saturday Night Live cartoon was actually called "Office Space". The rest had "Milton" in the title somewhere.

  • I guess I can now forgive those "women of wrestling" pages that include Trish Stratus. But as a side note, you might remember me plugging an upcoming wrestling girl page some time ago. The page still hasn't opened, but I'm told it'll be ready soon... and the site DOES have pictures of Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy from their time in the WWF, so it should be worth a visit once it opens.

    That pretty much wraps it up, I'd say... but I hate to leave you without a picture to think about. It was a tough decision, but I found one almost as unique as Terri's nipple!

    Who's that, you ask? Why, it's writing wonder and WCW co-savior Ed Ferrara! This was apparently the persona of "Beautiful" Bruce Beaudine, which Ed assumed during his time at the "SLAM U" wrestling school.

    Look at that picture and ask yourself... by comparison, is Oklahoma really THAT bad?

    Adios, mi amigos!

    Chris Jones
    [slash] wrestling

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    Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission