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Chris Jones

Main BLAH	RANDOM BULLSHIT Greetings, mi amigos! Because YOU, the loyal and faithful readers of [slash] wrestling have asked for it, I have returned to enlighten the masses with my... well, my random bullshit, as the title suggests. A somewhat disturbing amount of you have asked when I'd be writing something else, and since there's still a few weeks before Road Wild I figured I'd better get something out there. So this one's for ALL of my fans! But if it sucks, I'm holding them all responsible... BOTH of 'em! Yes, if you caught it above, I will be recapping Road Wild, thanks for asking. Too bad it's gonna SUCK. (I mean the event, not the recap. Although it quite easily could be both.) Actually, I hope Road Wild is a top notch event. I have to sit through it, after all. But on the topic of recapping, we come to my first mailbag installment! My mail has been quite interesting since I began writing for the site. Aside from shooting the breeze with fellow fans, I've gotten words of praise from a certain person from one of the big three websites who was told about my Nicole Bass piece and rather enjoyed it (I haven't seen a LINK to it, though!)... I've semi-debated a major online wrestling figure... and I've gotten PORN SPAM! Yeah, baby! It don't get any better! Since CRZ (and others) have adopted "I Get Letters" to share their e-mail, which I believe is from David Letterman, I shall steal from Jay Leno and present... ASK CHRIS ANYTHING! Well... anything within reason. If you'd like your letters published in a future column, mention that catchy title somewhere in the subject or the body and I'll do my best to get 'em in. In the meantime, though, I'll feature some letters I just haven't gotten around to answering yet. Our first EVER question comes from Debra (no, not THE Debra... or is it?), who says: Good job with the Bash at the Beach results. You seem a lot less bitter than most people that do them. But I couldn't tell by reading, are you a WCW fan or a WWF fan? What's odd is that I got this just a day or so ago, despite the BATB recap being almost a month old. But better late than never! As for the bitterness, or lack thereof, I'd suggest judging again once I've got a few more recaps under my belt. More events like Bash at the Beach and I'll be starting off Halloween Havoc with "Shit... here we go again." As for the answer to Debra's question... I present the age-old copout: I like WRESTLING! I used to get home after school as quickly as possible so I could catch the GWF on ESPN, if that tells you anything. Scott Anthony... the Lightning Kid... Chaz... Mike Davis on a bungee cord. THAT was action! Moving forward... not surprisingly, the bulk of the mail I've received since I began writing had to do with my review of "Come Get Some". Let me tell you... when you're writing about half-naked women, the freaks come out of the woodwork. About 10% of the people who wrote thanked me for helping them decide whether or not to buy the video. Around 25% wanted to respectfully offer their opinions on who THEY think is the hottest chick (with Torrie Wilson getting more than 1 vote, despite not being in the video OR in the WWF... but hey, she's a hottie). And the remaining 65% were in the same genre as the following, sent in by "ClamBake": d00d, your fucked up! tori's not bad but terri is the hottest on there. imagine tongue kissing her as u slide your... Thanks for the feedback, ClamBake! But I'll stop you from going further. And you're right, Terri IS quite the sex kitten. As a matter of fact, should I one day get the choice, I'd probably take Terri over Tori. Terri just gives off this vibe of being full of energy. A regular dynamo, if you will. I just have a thing for tiny blondes, I think. Nitro Girl Spice makes me want to dance. And despite the ridicule it got me, I used to think the girl that played Helen on Wings was hot. Yet my longtime girlfriend is a tall brunette. Go figure! What? Too much information? Then keep that in mind when you want to send me play-by-play of your fantasies! DAMN! I include the following letter just because it made me laugh. Offering another take on the women of wrestling, Chad says: You know that guy RichInKC who writes for scoops, I'll call myself ChadInTori'sTight... And again, I'll cut him off. You all have imaginations. What made me laugh was Chad actually explaining WHY RichInKC uses the name he does, and then how it fits Chad using the name HE wanted. You have to respect detail. I will now move on to the "random bullshit" portion of this column, assuming what's above hasn't already gotten you to run screaming in the opposite direction. I'll mark the switch in random thoughts with a '-' mark, though by the time you see this it might be a bullet. The joys of post-production! I read over the review of SummerSlam '90 that's here on this site and I was honestly disturbed at the amount of people on that card who have suffered less than fortunate fates. Let's run 'em down: We have Kerry Von Erich, Sapphire, Jake the Snake's python Damien, Dino Bravo, and Rick Rude all having died since the PPV. Power and Glory, the Warlord, Sean Mooney, Bad News Brown, and the Orient Express all disappeared into obscurity. Marty Jannetty, Sensational Sherri, Tito Santana, Demolition, Jake the Snake, Brother Love, Nikolai Volkoff, Dusty Rhodes, and Earthquake either never amounted to anything after this or just became bigger losers. (Jake's arguable.) Jim Duggan got cancer... the Ultimate Warrior first found "destrucity", then lost his career... Bret Hart got divorced, lost his brother, and more importantly was SCREWED by Vince McMahon... Jim Neidhart has to listen to Bret talk about having been screwed by Vince McMahon... Shawn Michaels lost his smile and had a career ending back injury. I'd say the only people on the entire card who weren't effected by the "curse" are Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage. And they both SUCK now! There was really no point to me bringing this up, except the off chance that either Bob Ryder or Bret Hart might see it, get an idea from it, then write an article called "Vince McMahon is the DEVIL!" for their respective columns. That title is coming from one of them... just you wait. On the subject of Misters McMahon, Hart, and Ryder, I saw a transcript of a recent WCW Live! broadcast (which you can hear every weeknight at WCW.COM) that inspired me to listen to the show. Towards the beginning, Bob and Jeremy Borash both claimed to be offended by what Vince had to say on Off The Record about Bret Hart. Not offended by Bret's alleged actions at Owen's funeral, but by the fact that Vince would say it at all while the family is still grieving. But I say... offended? Joel Gertner making "glub-glub" noises while discussing JFK Jr is offensive. Vince McMahon saying Bret Hart spent more time talking about himself than he did Owen is either a sorry example of what Bret has become if it's true, or a sorry example of what Vince has become if it's not. But unless Bret was wearing a wire like he was in his last one-on-one talk with Vince, we'll never know what was actually said. So what's to get offended over? The fact that Vince said it when he did? They'd blast him for saying something about Bret if Vince had waited a year to do it. I kinda wish they'd give these guys a regular spot on Nitro. Watching them turn EVERY move Vince McMahon makes into another reason to bash him is really quite entertaining. It's like watching one of the "special" kids try to climb the rope in gym class... it's obvious to everyone that he has no chance, but he doesn't care how stupid he looks as long as he tries. Bob Ryder is the internet's "special kid". Some early thoughts about Road Wild: apparently, Harlem Heat will be reuniting at this show as they go for the Triad's tag titles. That's good to see... but is Sturgis really the best place to do this? Several thousand bikers don't strike me as the ideal crowd to reunite brothers from Harlem in front of. And I stress "brothers". I recall Booker and Stevie getting a less than favorable reaction there a few years ago... and they were the faces at the time! What is WCW thinking? What's really scary is that the Triad's "your mama" bit will probably go over HUGE at the show. "Hahaha! Yeah! Their mamma's probably fat AND poor! She's got food stamps, too! Haha!" "Good one, Chainsaw!" It's also a damn shame that Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra are no longer an item. Just picture the catfight Carmen and Gorgeous George could have at ringside. Speaking of women fighting, Madusa and the former Miss Madness will get it on. Does Madusa still use the German Suplex or does she just smother people with her breasts? What a way to go that would be! Why haven't the new Sable Playboy pictures hit the net yet? And if they have, why the hell haven't I seen 'em? Throw me a frickin' bone, people! And speaking of ladies and the like, I had a chance to check out an almost-completed women of wrestling site that's about to debut. This site rocks. Loads of pictures (nudes and non-nudes... but nothing fake), and information on the various women. And before you ask, no, I have nothing to do with the site. It's just good. Once I hear it's done I'll put the address in an upcoming column. No sense checking it out while there's nothing there. I'd like to see that "Bob Ryder is the internet's special kid" line catch on. It would be like my own personal "Austin 3:16". Maybe CRZ can use it in place of Bob's "I'm a shill" comment in the occasional quote of the week. Or maybe I'll print up some t-shirts... Bob's face on the front, then the quote on the back. Or maybe if someone calls up WCW Live! and says "Bob, you're the net's special kid!", then tells me where to listen, I'll dedicate an upcoming work to them. Note that example was a hypothetical and I didn't actually SAY to do it. If Bob snaps and has you prosecuted, you're on your own. Besides, if you want to be mentioned that bad, just tell me and I'll mention you. Hi Charity! (see?) Everybody has been blasting WCW for having Jason Hervey on Nitro. But think about it... the Wonder Years was a popular show and that's one cast member down. Fred Savage isn't exactly getting work thrown his way, and look at the name... Savage! They can ink Fred to a deal and bill him as Macho Man's kid, throwing him in an instant feud with David Flair. Then they can bring in Winnie Cooper as Fred's valet and Paul as his bodyguard (they can actually call them "Winnie" and "Paul", using the Arli$$ precedent). Then, just when it looks like Fred has David beaten, Hervey interferes and helps Flair win. Then we get the match the world has been waiting for... Kevin Arnold vs. his brother! In a CAGE! Arli$$ can put it together! It's golden! It's brilliant! Or, at the very least, it's no worse than seeing Jay Leno wrestle. Back to WCW Live! for a moment. Another comment I found funny was Jeremy Borash saying he saw a link to the story about no criminal charges being filed in Owen's death at 1wrestling.com. But then after reading it, he thought how about minor it really is and that the WWF's still in trouble with the Hart lawsuit. Yeah, 1wrestling.com has a habit of using minor news items as the top headline on their page. What the hell? A friend of mine recently said to me "Chris, you HAVE to get Fire Pro Wrestling G for the Playstation". That's a Japanese import wrestling game, if you haven't heard of it. Since it's an import you need your Playstation modified, through a chip or the use of an enhancer that plugs into the back of the console, so you can play it. I ordered both the game and the enhancer a few days ago on overnight delivery, so I could play it even sooner. I got the game today... but the enhancer is fucking DELAYED! Yeah, I could borrow my friend's, but that kills the irony of the entire story. The Dudley Boys in the WWF? That could be interesting. I just hope the WWF doesn't make the same mistake they did with Al Snow, and that WCW is currently making with Shane Douglas. You can't assume the fans will know who the ECW wrestlers are, because as history shows... they don't. But regardless, without Joel Gertner I can't see the Dudleys being nearly as interesting. The WWF should make Michael Cole their new Gertner. Imagine Cole coming out in a sports jacket, his hair greased, and a deep voice in full effect. And look at the words he could use that rhyme with his name... "hole", "pole", etc. Once he gets creative there would be no stopping him! I heard about an ongoing contest being run to fool wrestling reporters into posting fake news. If you send in phony news and it gets reported, you get points on a webpage. What a great idea! I visit a few shitty newsboards at least once a day, just to see what the "fanboys with keyboards" (TM Mark Madden) are up to. Maybe now that they're being scammed they'll actually try to check things and be responsible, instead of posting anything they get in their e-mail or making up crap from non-existent "sources". What's odd is that despite this contest, I haven't seen any change in the news on these sites in terms of it's believability. The news they're "reporting" on their own and the news people are scamming them with are nearly the same thing. But I did see a post warning all reporters to beware of the contest and the fake news it could bring. Yeah, cause the people behind the contest are the bad guys! The 13-year olds who make up news are the victims. Remember that. And finally, I really think Rena Mero's acting career is about to take off. She's apparently been offered spots on Pam Anderson's VIP show, Walker Texas Ranger, and a few others. What, no Baywatch? But imagine the irony... Rena could go from being one of the highest rated segments on cable's highest rated show (Raw), to having a bit part on the low rated show that comes on BEFORE Raw. But that aside, I don't think her infomercial appearances are over. Her unique blend of acting skill and enthusiasm is just the thing Ron Popeil looks for when he casts the blonde chick that plays opposite him in every spot he's ever done. I think he's got a new vacuum cleaner ad coming out. I hope Rena can get used hearing "for just under $5 dollars per use you get powerful sucking action, hardly any noise, and it finishes in minutes!" Hmm. You know... I think she's probably quite familiar with that line already. That'll do it for this here article, kids. Questions and comments are welcome at the e-mail link below or on my 1-900 number. I'll see you back here for Road Wild. Or maybe I'll have something before that. I did say a while back that I'd recap that Nitro Girls PPV, didn't I? Well... if I catch it, I'll write something up. But they better be NAKED! Chris Jones [slash] wrestling Mail the Author	BLAH
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