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/wrestling /guests /Chumly |
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/wrestling /guests /Chumly |
| Guest Columns | Mark Q. Chumly |
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I LIVE UNDER THE BRIDGE I have repeatedly heard tidings that the new World Championship Wrestling logo is too controversial, that it resembles either a popular religious symbol or a woman's squishy parts. Well, this kind of talk just makes me sick! The new logo is fantastic. It does not resemble anything controversial or lewd. My opinion probably doesn't matter much to you, so I urge the reader to take a simple test I have concocted in order to determine the validity of any negative claims: Question 1: What country's flag is this? Do you notice anything suspicious or different about the flag?  Question 2: Does Jenni need to pull her dress down while the camera is on!? Or is she perfectly okay as-is?  It's simple! I think I know your answers, too. The WCW logo is hereby vindicated! On WCW: Bret "The Hitman" Hart impressed me on Monday, with his surprise win over Perry Saturn. Still, Hart's shirt during the first Nitro segment disillusioned me greatly. What are the "Calgary Hitmen"? For years I had thought that Bret was "The Hitman," but it is now apparent that he is only "a Hitman". What the heck? Is the plan to build a stable of hitmen? Where are the others? I don't understand. One thing I DO understand now is why everyone and their pet seal have been complaining about Vince Russo's booking! Why would they put something that cryptic on Bret, then not explain it? Anyway, this was a great week for the luchadors! I noticed that a lot of them got mic time for the first time ever this week: Kaz Hashi (who is not a luchador but does not usually get to speak), La Parka, Silver King, Rey Mysterio, Jr., Eddie Guerrero and Konnan. Some of them were pretty good. I wonder whatever happened to La Cucaracha? He wasn't a very good wrestler, but his funny little dance on his way to the ring made him a favorite of mine. He should have gotten mic time this week. I was pleased to see that WCW has been reading my column and implementing my suggestions. Madusa doing a hurry-can-rana is the first step towards hurry-can-rana equality. I loved it! It's too bad that she lost to that idiot, Chris Benoit. I don't know about you, but to me it seems like a team of Madusa, Mr. Outrageous and Jeff Jarrett should have been able to stop Benoit and a referee. Benoit is a very short individual, and is therefore very likely to be fragile and ill-equipped to take real punishment from the other wrestlers. I am not really sure why Vince McMahon allows these kind of people to wrestle in WCW. It was great to see that the Grand Wizard was back in action this week. I thought that his death was a career-ending injury, but the endurance and perserverance of professional wrestlers continue to amaze me. Welcome back, Wiz! What a hoot that Seven character was on Monday! Trying to convince us that he was Goldust AND the son of Dusty Rhodes. We aren't *that* stupid, Seven! We saw you float to the ring! Your skin doesn't look like Goldust's! And as for being the son of Dusty, that's almost an insult. Dusty Rhodes was a formidable wrestler and an ingenious, well-read, well-spoken knight of a human being, but he is mortal and does not posess the ability to hover, float, fly, issue smoke from beneath himself, or change his skin color to a pale white hue. His eyes, Seven, are also normal-colored, not deep red. Genetically, any immediate relationship is impossible. I am a scientist by trade and can easily assess these things upon sight. Wrestling fans aren't all morons, Seven! Booker T hitting that woman with a guitar was a disgrace. I hope that WCW, or at least his brother Stevie, will reprimand him in some way. I wonder what he was thinking?? Overall, the WCW shows this week were a mixed bag. Most of the good segments were amusing for all the wrong reasons (like that Seven thing!). WCW needs to give its fans a little more credit! On the WWF: Either I was mistaken last week, or Vince McMahon has jumped ship and gone back to the WWF already. Those guys definitely move around a lot, so I think the latter is true. Good for the WWF, this move proves that they are still attractive to talent. I do not understand why Al Snow is being allowed on television after the grisly Wal-Mart murders that he allegedly committed. Is he out on bail, or am I being worked? I bet I'm being worked - the Al Snow that appeared this week looked a lot like the mysteriously absent Stevie Richards! I am as sharp as a tack, World Wrestling Federation! You cannot fool me again! The Big Boss Man has been especially active this week, committing many crimes while in the guise of an officer of the peace. If his actions are not crimes, I don't know what actions are! Why has no one alerted the police? Surely *someone* at the WWF knows the location of the next arena show and can warn the police that the Big Boss Man might be there. The Civil War Bandit should be tapped as a resource to help nail him... he probably wants revenge, anyway. I hear that Rocky Maivia has been voted Sexiest Wrestler Ever by some people at a magazine. These people are obviously not very acquainted with the sport of wrestling! Otherwise, how would they pass over such people like Sid, Mideon, Torrie Wilson and Chris Benoit? Next time, maybe they should do a little more research. In closing, the WWF did very well this week. Not only did they get a fantastic new guy in their league (bodybuilder and former Mr. Universe Arnold Strong, star of the feature film _Hercules in New York_), but they also featured a performance by the king of Rock n' Roll, Elvis Presley. How many wrestling federations can boast those kinds of names? Mark Q. Chumly freelance Mail the Author |
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