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/wrestling /guests /Christ |
| Guest Columns | Scott Christ |
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Scott originally sent this to me back on 16 July, and I promptly lost it.
I'm VERY sorry and apologise! Fortunately, this still holds up even almost three weeks later. ;-) - CRZ
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE Welcome! This is the official Internet Pro Wrestling for Dummies guide. We will cover a variety of things pertaining to Internet Pro Wrestling, such as:
Thats not all we'll go over, but its a start. First, lets start with a few unique terms that are often used in the Internet Pro Wrestling world, shall we?
Unique Internet Terms
"Mark": A mark is a casual fan, the one that companies actually market to. They cheer the good guys, boo the bad guys, think Vince McMahon is a no-good, low-down piece of shit, and generally just have fun watching the shows. "Smark": Tricky one here. A "smark" is, more or less, a smart attempting to rebel and return to being a mark. They want the smart fans to stop raving about workrate and return to liking the orange man in the yellow underwear. Smarks are generally about as realistic in form as someone who honestly likes The Cure. "Workrate": How good a wrestler is at his craft. Chris Benoit, for instance, is generally regarded as having a very high workrate. The Big Boss Man, conversely, is not. "Work": 99.1% of everything you will ever see on wrestling television in your entire life. Something that is scripted, planned out ahead of time, and part of the show. "Shoot": The other 0.1% of what you will see in your lifetime of wrestling television. These are things that are not part of the script in any way, shape, or form. "Swerve": When the company runs an angle with the intent of shocking you, and with the intent of making you watch their next television show. "Worked Shoot": When something is said, or done, that is in all reality true, but remains scripted and part of the storyline. For instance, when Vince Russo insulted Hulk Hogan at WCW Bash at the Beach 2000, the things he said were, indeed, true, but it was all bullshit to make your dumb ass watch Nitro. "Push": When a wrestler receives a healthy amount of television time and an angle in which to attempt to get over and/or move up in status. "Mis-Use": When someone that is generally liked on the internet [see: Brown, D'Lo] isn't the recipient of a push, or is the recipient of an atrociously bad character. "Underserved Push": When a heatless bastard receives a push for God-knows-what reason. [see: Boss Man, Big]
Universally Accepted Opinions
Great Pay-Per-View Shows There are many here, but the ones that are considered for "Best Show Ever" are the focus. Here is a short list of some of the internet's favorites:
There are several more very good-great shows out there, but, for now, those don't matter. Go out and find a copy of every single one of those shows, and watch; make yourself like them, no matter what. Because its just the way it is. Terrible Pay-Per-View Shows Like before, there are several, but here is a short list of the most God-awful, shit-reeking, putrid attempts at pay-per-view on record:
If you'd like to torture yourself, watch some of those shows. The first four ARE required viewing by the 'net, so that you can call yourself a true wrestling warrior for being able to sit through each of them. Great Matches For this guide, we will stick to American wrestling, because things from Japan are often evil and spew green shit in your face if you don't watch it. Here's a short list of matches that must be given ***** on your scale:
These are all required viewing. Don't argue. Terrible Matches The sub-title says it all. You HAVE to hate these matches. They're just...not very good. At all.
Ther are more, of course, but thats just a quick listing. For humor, it is recommended that one view the Hogan-Warrior match from Halloween Havoc 1998, simply to chuckle as Hogan fumbles with some sort of wick and lighter, attempting to produce a fireball. Wrestlers Okay, now we get specific. Again, we stick to simply American wrestling, because of the aforementioned problem with the Japanese, and lucha libre is purely ridiculous, anyway. We'll also stick to just those athletes who are active in either the World Wrestling Federation, World Championship Wrestling, or Extreme Championship Wrestling. Lets see how wrestlers stack up. Excellent Workers Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, Eddy Guerrero, Lance Storm, Billy Kidman, Tajiri [even though he is Japanese, and will spew green shit in your unsuspecting eyes], Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Edge, Christian, Kurt Angle, D'Lo Brown, Super Crazy, Jerry Lynn, Rob Van Dam, Chris Jericho, Booker T, Chris Kanyon, Vampiro, Taka Michinoku Very Good Workers Juventud Guerrera, Lieutenant Loco, Perry Saturn, Al Snow, Essa Rios, Disco Inferno, Scotty 2 Hotty, Grandmaster Sexay, Little Guido, Kid Kash, Nova, Kaz Hayashi, Shannon Moore, Shane Helms, Crowbar, Triple H, Crash Holly, Hardcore Holly, Mike Awesome, Jeff Jarrett, Steve Corino, La Parka, Shoichi Funaki Competent Workers The Rock, X-Pac, Rey Misterio Jr., Ric Flair, Shane Douglas, General Rection, Corporal Cajun, Buh Buh Ray Dudley, D-Von Dudley, Justin Credible, Rhino, Rikishi, Gangrel, Chazz, Steve Blackman, Kane, Diamond Dallas Page, Bill Goldberg, Buff Bagwell, Curt Hennig, Sting, Danny Doring, Roadkill, Chris Chetti, Mikey Whipwreck, Test, Albert, Val Venis, Billy Gunn, Yun Yang, Jamie-san Bad Workers Chuck Palumbo, Shawn Stasiak, Demon, Lex Luger, Scott Steiner, The Big Show, Scotty Anton, Bryan Clarke, Brian Adams, Konnan, Angel, Balls Mahoney, The Artist, Buff Bagwell, The Godfather, Evan Karagias Bad Workers, but Entertaining Enough to Get Away with It Bradshaw, Faarooq, The Undertaker, Terry Funk, Tank Abbott, Ernest "The Cat" Miller Horrible Workers with No Business in the Industry Rick Steiner, Road Dogg, New Jack, The Wall, Big Boss Man, Bull Buchanan, Viscera, Mideon, Sid Vicious, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Hulk Hogan, Davey Boy Smith, Stevie Ray, Big T, Major Stash The Excellent Workers will generally give you at least a watchable match, and are all capable of ***** in a good situation. Very Good Workers can work together or work with an Excellent or sometimes even a Competent Worker to a possible ***** match, and generally will provide you with a good match. Competent Workers need the right mix and chemistry with their opponent. Bad Workers will rarely give you anything above "not terrible." Bad Workers, but Entertaining Enough to Get Away with It can sometimes produce a pretty decent match on a good night, but generally just do things away from the ring that they're better off with. And the Horrible Workers with No Business in the Industry are just what it says. These men are barely above a point where the Internet Pro Wrestling contingent would wish for their deaths. Non-Wrestler Wrestling Personalities This section deals with promoters, bookers, announcers, and others who are readily visible personalities in the pro wrestling world, just not wrestlers. Promoters/Bookers We're going to stay with active guys here, again, and go over some of the names that are currently involved with booking and promoting. Vince McMahon - The head of the WWF, and a true genius, even if he is a rotten human being. He basically created "sports-entertainment." Eric Bischoff - An idiot who used to bring Verne Gagne his coffee, sat around in WCW bringing other guys coffee long enough, then stumbled upon the job of head booker. The only thing he's ever done right is give us long matches with cruiserweights. Other than that, you hate him. Vince Russo - Sometimes he has some good ideas. But, thats about 1/23000, and he is generally regarded to as the most useless and idiotic bastard in the front office since the likes of Dusty Rhodes. "The WCW Booking Team" - This is the group of men that help write WCW's TV shows with Russo, and help Bischoff book the events. This group consists of Terry Taylor, Ed Ferrarra, Johnny Ace, and Disco Inferno, with Chris Kanyon being a rumored contributor. The opinion on these guys is that while they aren't perfect, WCW is certainly better off when their ideas are in the forefront. Announcers Jim Ross [WWF] - Whereas he was better back in the late 80s and early 90s, he is still the best announcer in the business. Tony Schiavone [WCW] - An absolute moron. Mark Madden [WCW] - Lee Marshall 2000, with more stolen material and possibly lamer jokes. Jerry Lawler [WWF] - Occasionally funny, and sometimes even knowledgable. He's well liked overall. Bobby Heenan [WCW] - Washed-up, but a sentimental favorite because you enjoyed his work when you were younger. Michael Cole [WWF] - He's green, he knows nothing about wrestling, and you hate him as much as you do such former WWF luminaries as Todd Pettengill, Craig DeGeorge, Stephanie Wiand, and Sean Mooney. Kevin Kelly [WWF] - He's improving, but still not well liked. Joey Styles [ECW] - Pretty knowledgable, very entertaining, and just a generally damn good announcer. Cyrus [ECW] - The best color man to ever live. Joel Gertner [ECW] - A fat tub that makes penis jokes frequently. Not much to note, but when he's on his game, he's not bad at all. Okay, that pretty much covers the non-wrestler wrestling personalities and how you should feel about them to be part of the Internet Pro Wrestling community. Lets move on.
How to Accept Bias
How to Get Started in the Internet Pro Wrestling World
Starting Your Own Website This is a tough route to getting your name noticed, because you first have to get people to actually come and see your site. If you do this, free websites can be registered at Tripod, Angelfire, Xoom, 8m, Geocities, Spaceports, and Fortune City, among other places. You must learn HTML, or your site will look like complete shit using some "easy builder." Again, this is a rather tough route to take. Not recommended. Submitting Work to Major Sites that Post Things The two that come to mind immediately are Rantsylvania.com with the Rant Crew, and CRZ's [slash] wrestling. These sites get pretty good hit totals, and will allow your work to be seen by fans of major internet names. This is the recommended path to go down on your way to superstardom. Bugging Internet Wrestling Personalities The Internet Wrestling Personalities [IWPs] will be covered right here, for those of you wondering. You can get a quick rise to the top, possibly, if you bug enough IWPs and they actually bother to look at your work and think its any good. Here is a short list of IWPs, and the websites you can find their work at.
Scott Keith, Rantsylvania and WrestleLine
This is a short list, of course, but visiting any of the sites they work for will also introduce you to other, lesser-known IWPs that you can e-mail frequently and annoy.
The Internet's General Feelings About Certain Wrestlers
The Rock [WWF] - While he is unquestionably the biggest name in the game these days, he is generally frowned upon. When his first heel turn came in 1997, he was loved by all. When it picked up momentum in 1998, the smarts got even MORE into him. As a heel, he's received pretty well. As a babyface, however, he is nothing more than a catchphrase-spewing, lazy, four-move brawler that does nothing but take up time that Taka Michinoku could be having. Triple H [WWF] - The top heel in the business, without question. He's also stepped up his workrate, not relying so heavily on knee-based offense anymore. His stock on the internet has risen all year. Steve Austin [WWF] - A cripple that no one wants back, because he's popular, and as such, he is a useless piece of shit taking up Taka Michinoku's TV time. The Undertaker [WWF] - Fat and old, he needs to retire before he hurts someone. Although people do generally admit to being a fan of his on some level, they still think its time to hang 'em up. Hulk Hogan [WCW] - The biggest bastard to ever live, but, according to the so-called "smarks", we all loved him when we were five and should continue to love him today, no matter what. Still, you hate him if you want acceptance. Kane [WWF] - There is...pretty much no feeling toward Kane. No one really cares. He's a very agile big man, good for his size, but he's just...there. X-Pac [WWF] - Lazy, arrogant, and should be fired. A 180-pound Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash [WCW] - Lazy, arrogant, and should be black listed from everything involving pro wrestling. Scott Hall [WCW] - A lazy, arrogant alcoholic with no more purpose to serve. The general feelings for Hall have gone from "great character player and credible worker" to "I hope he gets his personal problems worked out" to "Fuck him, I don't want to hear about his sorry ass ever again" in the span of about two years. Shawn Michaels [WWF] - One of the greatest wrestlers to ever live, but, still, he was a member of The Clique with Nash, Hall, HHH, and Sean "X-Pac" Waltman, so he's still a smarmy, arrogant, lazy bastard that probably deserved the horrible back injury which ended his career. Bret Hart [WWF] - While a great worker in his prime and pretty well-loved in his prime, he is now just a whining, pathetic shell of his former self. Bill Goldberg [WCW] - Two moves, undeserved push. D'Lo Brown [WWF] - Several amazing moves, undeserved burial. Big Boss Man [WWF] - Probably the most hated man not named "Hulk Hogan." The Big Show [WWF] - One-year wonder. Sting [WCW] - Arrogant, uncooperative, and should retire. Vampiro [WCW] - Great wrestler, good [if not stolen] character. He'd go a long way if they'd just quit jobbing him. Billy Kidman [WCW] - A future superstar that nearly had his career ruined by Hulk Hogan. Ric Flair [WCW] - The true icon of modern pro wrestling, but he should probably retire. Chris Benoit [WWF] - The greatest worker to walk the face of the Earth, and should be WWF world champion soon. Dean Malenko [WWF] - An excellent worker that is better at 40 than most guys at 25. Eddy Guerrero [WWF] - An underrated charisma-machine, with a tremendous workrate to boot. Scott Steiner [WCW] - A roided freak that strikes fear and shriveled penis jokes in the hearts of all. Rob Van Dam [ECW] - ECW's last great star. Justin Credible [ECW] - Likely to be ECW's last world champion. You do NOT like this guy, because he had involvement with The Clique. Road Dogg [WWF] - The third most hated wrestler on the internet, and climbing rapidly. The Hardy Boyz [WWF] - Amazing tag team that will be crippled in three years. Edge and Christian [WWF] - Funny guys that you just have to love, because they can work really well, too. Kurt Angle [WWF] - The new Next Flair. Chris Jericho [WWF] - The old Next Flair. Mick Foley [WWF] - "Mick's a great guy." Tajiri, Taka Michinoku, Shoichi Funaki, Kaz Hayashi [ECW, WWF, WWF, WCW] - Japanese guys, three of whom sport/have sported goatees, and one of whom spews evil green shit in your eyes. They're all good workers, but just don't ask for an autograph at a house show. Super Crazy, Rey Misterio Jr., Juventud Guerrera [ECW, WCW, WCW] - Luchadores. You like them, but they're not THAT great. Well, besides Super Crazy. There are, of course, more, but these are some main ones, and some good starters on your journey through the Internet Pro Wrestling World.
The Internet Pro Wrestling Community
© 2000 Scott Christ |
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